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Thank You for Listening Dynamics - Reminds Me of a Story & Another Variation of this Remark
Edit*: removed picture
I met a player with hearing difficulties who told me
When I'm talking, I switch on the hearing aid.
When the girl talks, I switch off the hearing aid.
He feels high-value enough that he doesn't need to listen to a girl ramble.
But he was probably exaggerating and bragging quite a bit in this instance.
On a separate note, I received a different type of comment before but relating to listening:
I like talking to you.
I find it therapeutic.
I think it frames me as her liking me because I provide therapy.
A bit of "that's why I like you" power move.
But I'm not entirely sure if this has the same dynamics as
Thanks for listening to my endless story
Feel free to share your thoughts.
I think it's usually a value adding. I used to hear the same line when you deep dive someone in conversation and you create an emotional connection with the person.
It's a good way to know about the girl, to make love and the relationship more passionate (adding it to the desire of course). The guy who brags about not giving a damn about her ramble, he may makes love to the girl, however it won't be as passionate as if you emotionally connected to the girl in question.
Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 5, 2021, 11:06 pm
I met a player with hearing difficulties who told me
When I'm talking, I switch on the hearing aid.
When the girl talks, I switch off the hearing aid.He feels high-value enough that he doesn't need to listen to a girl ramble.
But he was probably exaggerating and bragging quite a bit in this instance.
It's a common dynamic:
There is always an element of "look at me, I'm better" when pushing others down.
That's one of the reasons why some people get stuck in hypercritical mode: it makes them feel better -and they think that others around will respect them more-.
And it's not always wrong actually, so well-delivered criticism can work to increase one's perceived status/skills.
I agree it's good to know about a girl and it's great that she opens up with you.
But you can still end up disempowered by providing all that listening time -and her attraction can tank unless you combine that listening with leadership / high-value-.
And "thank you for listening" thread-expands and strengthens that dynamic of you providing and her taking.
The dynamics / reasons / ways to handle it are in the quiz.
If the quiz is not clear, or if you have any thoughts on feedback on it, do let me know.
P.S.: I removed the picture from the original post because of privacy reasons.
The image was still big enough to recognize features.
Plus the non-blurred name, as visitors wouldn't know it was a nickname.
Oh I see, the image was in the private section of the forum so it has greater privacy.
Gives me an idea.
There should be a mobile app that automatically detects & blurs faces on photographs.
Maybe there already is such an app.
I did go through that quiz, and the following remark popped up in my head from a previous experience:
On a separate note, I received a different type of comment before but relating to listening:
I like talking to you.
I find it therapeutic.I think it frames me as her liking me because I provide therapy.
A bit of "that's why I like you" power move.
I think that this is a covert power move, but I'm unsure.
Because it frames her as having the power to like me based on whether I listen well to her.
As such, it has a similar dynamic to
Thank you for listening to my endless stories.
because it thread-expands on me expanding effort and value to provide for her.
What do you or the community think?
Feel free to advise if convenient.
Yes, they're similar.
Both of them have a component of "I like you for what you're doing for me" and "thank you for giving to me", which can be disempowering, especially in dating, because the giving can sometimes serve to make up for a value differential.
Not too dissimilar to chasing, in that sense.
Chasing makes up for a lack of value with an extra of commitment and effort.
I see Lucio point of view, assuming that the girl has a higher value than the man, and he is providing to make up for the lack of value.
However if it was quite the opposite. The guy is higher value; he is selective of what he provides and to who, isn't it a value adding to the girl?
The : "Thanks for listening to my endless stories" can be seen as empowering the girl, which is different to disempowering the man
Quote from ELKOUHLANI on August 6, 2021, 1:24 pmI see Lucio point of view, assuming that the girl has a higher value than the man, and he is providing to make up for the lack of value.
However if it was quite the opposite. The guy is higher value; he is selective of what he provides and to who, isn't it a value adding to the girl?
The : "Thanks for listening to my endless stories" can be seen as empowering the girl, which is different to disempowering the man
Absolutely, you're right.
Have you gone through the quiz?
That's exactly what it says: in that case, there was no need to take corrective action.
But you still gotta be careful with WIN-(not-win), Because the win for her must be accompanied by the win for you. At least in the beginning.
If not, your higher value gets called into question.
Why would a higher value person keep on plowing time and effort into someone who's lower value -and self-framing as a taker, too?-.
Also, keep in mind that:
- On average, in dating women are higher value than men
- There's no "real" reality, only what appears: the frames and power dynamics you allow become the reality
As an example:
Imagine you're rich and buy 5 stars meals to all the girls you meet because you love food and money is nothing to you.
Nothing wrong with that, right?
You're still a high-value cool guy, after all.
But you still lose value if the girl thinks and/or frames it as you spending for her, with little in it for you.
So it's up to you to make sure that what you give isn't framed or understood in the wrong way
Same here for bonding and listening.
It's up to you to make sure that you both know it comes from a place of genuine interest and it's for win-win.
That's one of the reasons why the foundational lesson in PU says to "frame and reframe for win-win".
So that your giving doesn't get misrepresented as neediness.
Makes sense?
I see, that's what is social exchange is about.
You must invest in a way that you also get a return. The higher the investment the higher the return should be also.
A good return in my point of view (in the situation of listening) would be creating emotional contagion, and some emotional spikes while I'am at it.
But more importantly it's knowing the person needs, which it would be so much important in the futur.
