Quote from Zenobiyl on October 20, 2022, 4:35 pm

Was recently out with the usual friend group. I’d proposed and we then organized a recreational trip, and along the way stopped for food. We’d already agreed to go to Arby’s, but as we are walking there one person points out a Wendy’s and says we should go there instead. I was the closest to the Arby’s and we’d already planned to go there, so I disagreed. I could see that a majority of the group was favoring Wendy’s though, so I had two choices

(1) Join the bandwagon, which would look like I’m following and indecisive because I’m the closest to the Arby’s, and disagreed with the Wendy’s at first.

(2) Insist on Arby’s, and either force the group to follow my lead or split the group.

Option (1) would be very power down, but I didn't like Option (2) because it would break rapport. I decided on a middle path. I said something like this to the group:

"Look, we're all adults here. Let's vote on which place we'd rather go to, and we'll go there together."

I liked this compromise because it lightly tasked the group and took a kind of initiative, while changing the frame from "Following one guy" to "following the group".

Sure enough the group sided in favor of Wendy's, as I thought they would, and we all went there as one group. I still felt power-down from this interaction, and I'm insterested to know how you think I could have handled this situation better. In hindsight I think I made two big mistakes:

(1) Putting myself in a situation where it's an all-or-nothing power showdown. I didn't have a strong opinion on either food place, so instead of disagreeing I could have responded by leading the group in a vote right away, and avoided the risk of power loss.

(2) Instead of focusing on the fact that we agreed on Arby's, I gave a reason it would be better than Wendy's. Something like, "Arby's has better allergy-sensitive options." This was easy to debate, and set the frame of one location against another. The better move would be to say "We already agreed to go to Arby's", and keep repeating that to any counter points. That would set the frame of one guy against the group.

 

Anyways, we seat and eat and things are going fairly well. All of the sudden, a different person from the original guy blindsides me with this comment:

"This was a good meal, thanks [name] for letting us walk all over you."

In that moment I decided the best move was to instantly dispute that statement, since it was extremely disempowering. I said something like this:

"That's not what happened. I said we'd make a decision together, and we did."

However, the group didn't seem on my side in that argument (could that be because the comment set a [Me Vs. Group] frame?), and while I held my ground I wasn't persuading them. After a little back and forth I changed the subject, and we moved on to another topic. Still, this comment was a big red flag for me. I had a gut feeling the restaurant situation was a power loss for me, and now I'd basically confirmed that it was. I also think I could have responded to this power move differently. Instead of denying the point, which was bad for me, I could've come at it with a different frame. Something like this:

"What? / Excuse me? / What's that supposed to mean?"

[Replies]

"That was a very disrespectful/uncalled for/rude comment."

[If he apologized, then I'd leave it at that. If he justified, I'd follow up]

"I know you think [justification], but it was still disrespectful. Were you trying to be disrespectful, yes or no?"

[If yes, then he's lost the group. If no, then we move on.]

Instead of the frame [you let people walk all over you Vs. No I didn't] I could've used the frame of [that was an insulting comment Vs. No it wasn't]. The first frame is one I held, but the group wasn't on my side with it, and justifying that frame more and more would only expand on a thread that was ultimately power-down for me. Not to mention, saying you're assertive isn't nearly as good as just being plain assertive. The root of the attack was that I was a doormat, so instantly standing up for myself in a way the group would agree with would've, in my opinion, perfectly countered that attack.

The rest of the day out went uneventfully, although I won in some group activities later that I felt helped balance out the bad start. My big takeaway from this interaction is that I should to be more assertive in the day-to-day interactions with my friend group (and in general). However, I'm curious if there's another way I could have avoided/resolved/handled this situation.

Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!