Quote from Emily on January 6, 2024, 8:17 pm

namely that I am much more clear about when and what to invest in a relationship. Let me explain.

I've always been a bit of a people-pleaser and I know something was off, but before coming to PU I wasn't very clear about what to do with it. This tendency lead to a lot of resentment in the past with people not reciprocating. I made several posts before about what I did to friends/acquaintances/colleagues and it backfired with people taking too much from me, or being outright aggressive. I feel in the past few months I'm just getting better at this practice of knowing what and when to invest. I think my existing relationships have started to improve, and I am much better at finding new people or business providers who are respectful and provide social value/services of great value. Below are a couple examples of how I consciously choose to act:

Scenario 1: Recently I reached out to a musical group for their membership, they responded and asked me to sit in for practice. I did, and expressed interest that I'd like to audition. They said they would contact me in the new year.

Analysis: In the past I would be following up with them again eager to know what they have in mind for next steps. But this time I didn't feel the need to, I think they should pick up the contact because they promised so. Plus I have options. If they don't follow up within the month as they promised, I just let them go and find another group (Eagle mindset: you ALWAYS have options and there is NO need to beg anyone).

Scenario 2: I am in a process to fix my health again and to get back into fitness. In the past, I've paid for packaged coach services and expensive gym memberships that would cost me hundreds of bucks a month. I couldn't sustain the process after the initial success each time and it was frustrating.

Analysis: This time I decide to do it within my boundaries - spend minimum for good services (ideally a couple hundred bucks a year) of gym and nutrition advice. I know I have to find the service that would work for me, so I carefully researched and am very happy so far. Also I keep in mind that I will not have everything handed to me - I know best about myself. I set a few ground rules and feel confident that this time I can carry this on.

I think the point is that we figure out what's the amount of investment we are willing to make. It is important to ask fundamental questions like this:

If we don't get the outcome we want from this social relationship (e.g., being acknoledged, reciprocated etc.) would we be OK with that? If not, don't invest, period. This has helped me tremendously.

It is also important to remain honest to our own truths (i.e., don't take words at the surface level) - so we wouldn't be as vulnerable to manipulation.

The other rule I found for myself is that - if we have a good caliber in general, we should give more leeway to existing relationships. So if my old friends or connections slip once or twice, I need to let it go and forgive them. Because they've demonstrated their respect and value-providing by remaining in relationships with me. This has helped alleviate my anxiety sometimes of reaching out, since I should also be actively investing in existing relationships - it's just good practice. This of course doesn't apply to those who are manipulative/dark triads etc. that you can't get rid of.  With strangers we should be skeptical, and let their characters show over time - or cut off when red flags show.