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The cork-effect of next-level self-development
I realized this today:
The main hurdle to a whole new stage of self-development may be one single mindset shift or pattern of power moves.
Call this the "cork phenomenon".
Outside of Self-Development
"Cork" because if you can only remove that one single block, then it could be smooth sailing to a whole new level after that.
This phenomenon is well-known and talked about in other areas, such as entrepreneurship.
Entrepreneurs often talk about "new realization or skills" that allowed their business to go from a certain revenue range, to a whole bigger level (ie.: they learned advertising, they met a billionaire and changed mindset about "what's possible", they switched to a different model, targeted different demographics, moved to another industry, etc. etc.)
People also talk about in specific domains, such as dating -ie. "I started approaching more indirect, and it worked great"-
In Self-Development
However, I've never seen it before when it comes to general self-development and character-development.
And I think it may apply there as well.
Example: Get Rid Of Covert Power Moves
For example, the guy in the "nasty jokes" article:
Sounds pretty nasty, right?
All the more surprising that I consider him to be an otherwise OK guy.
I can't consider him more than "OK".
BUT...
If he'd only get rid of those shitty power moves -and of labeling people by nationalities-, he'd be a great guy.
It makes a huge difference.
Him with those "jokes", I could never be close to him.
Him without power moves, I'd consider him a high-quality guy that I'd be happy to be friends with.
More Examples
I've noticed some similar cases among a few people I know.
For example:
- Inability to admit ignorance or owning mistakes (stemming from a fragile ego/self-esteem. That often leads to him gaslighting to avoid owning up and reeks of sneakiness and low-power. This is my father, a person I otherwise consider an upstanding and honorable man)
- Enjoying and joining turkeys laughing at other friend's expenses (that makes him come across as one-uppy and frenemy-like, even though he isn't. It also makes him grow close to actual frenemies and envious people that you cannot remotely consider as "friends". This is a good friend of mine, a guy that I otherwise consider a truly great guy and that I want to see succeed)
- Too comfortable with lies (that makes him come across as untrustworthy. Another friend of mine I consider a great guy and that I also wanna see doing great)
- Too "power sensitive", taking things too personally, overreacting to what shouldn't have even been an offense (something I've noticed on this forum from an otherwise potentially good guy with lots of potential)
The Cork Is A MAJOR Hurdle
The old adage "nobody is perfect" may come to mind here.
However, this is different.
This is NOT about "demanding perfection".
These are all BIG red flags on their own that stand in the way of gaining next-level status, respect, admiration, or even "love".
Oftentimes, they can stand in the way of gaining stauts, respect, admiration or love completely -ie.: you just can't respect or befriend that person even if it's just one thing-.
For example, I wished my father could grow an antifragile ego and own up, or simply just truly ponder when he engages in some BS behavior.
Then I could truly be 100% proud of him.
Going to reflect on my own corks now :).
Important anti-naive note:
Do NOT over-apply this concept.
Often, big red flags are the sign of many more issues .
To go over the example above:
Guys who relish laughing at others often do NOT make for good friends.
People too comfortable with lies ARE untrustworthy.
And gaslighting in one area often means someone IS a gaslighting manipulator (in all other areas).
However, in a few more limited cases, I belive it may be the case of one single, isolated issue (that one may also be able to address).
Thank you Lucio, this mindset is very helpful form my point of view.
I agree with you, there are bottlenecks in our self-development and often we're not totally aware of it. Or at least we're not aware how much it hurts us.
If you're ok with it I would like to ask you for a clarification.
Hi Lucio,
I think it’s a wonderful analogy and terminology.
I personally find that removing the cork basically depends on the ability to withstand the suffering that comes from accepting reality more and more.
Often, the behavioral changes we so much would like to see only derive from us being finally able to see how we are really behaving, even if not flattering.
And that capability to see our blind spot often comes, in turn, from a painful realization about how things are, or about how a close person is, and then about how unwittingly similar we are (were) to that person, or how different we assumed things were.
And when we finally see it, the change has started. The cork has been removed from the bottle. Because it’s impossible to change until we see, but it’s also impossible to not change once we see how we are betraying ourselves.
A painful process for sure. One that requires grieving. Admitting our lost opportunities, how we were sabotaged and how we sabotaged ourselves, and how much we lost due to our non-capability to see.
When one finally sees reality, it’s like all the situations where one was not his best are suddenly presented in front of him. Each single one of them. It’s painful.
But it’s also the only thing that for sure beats the alternative of remaining stuck.
Thank you for sharing, Bel, great message.
Yes, in many cases it's exactly as you say.
I also believe there may be many "simpler" cases though.
For example, the person who's too comfortable with lying and lies about inconsequential stuff or on things he shouldn't be lying to a friend, may have no deep unflattering self-discovery to make, and no major "painful awakening" or grieving to go through -or he may have some, but not "so painful"-.
In some cases, it may be just realizing that "it's not cool" and that it's also costing him.
In some other cases, it's just "natural" human tendency to do or speak a certain way, but some do it too much.
Finally, in some other cases, it's related to a specific pattern learned from family, environment, or particularly influential and high-status people in our (old) social circles.
Then, it can be rather simple -and even welcome- to realize it's not cool and cut it out. Sometimes, it may be just exposure to people that do not behave that way.
For example, it was like that for me when getting rid from a culture of one-up type of joking.
It's good to know how to play that game because many men engage in it and you may want to defend and counter-attack. But it's poor to have it as your default behavior.
I think you are both spot on.
I had a lot of those “simpler” realisation while reading TPM.
But it was also painful to admit, and also felt ashamed that I was not behaving properly.
sometimes awareness is just what is needed to make good progress.
I think it’s a beautiful message Bel, thanks for sharing. I agree with all of you.
One small comment: I agree that we cannot unsee it once we’ve seen it. However I think we do have a choice if we’re going to act on it or not. I might be wrong but I think that’s where the merit comes from: to have the courage to push through the change.
Otherwise I fully agree that it’s quite painful to see us as « worse » than what we thought we were. That’s where the motivation to change comes from. From the newfound insatisfaction of the behaviour we discovered we engage in.
Also yes I also think that there are cases when we realize a behavior is just not cool and there not as much pain involved in this realization.
Quote from John Freeman on September 10, 2023, 10:54 amI think it’s a beautiful message Bel, thanks for sharing. I agree with all of you.
I'm glad you found it helpful John.
