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The growth mindset's forgotten caveat

#1 · October 24, 2023, 10:51 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 24, 2023, 10:51 am
Taken from Bel's journal (so credits to him):
Quote from Bel on October 23, 2023, 5:09 pm
Especially because, I believe, the higher level "frame" of the relationship between a man and a woman, while initially resistant to repeated mistakes, can still be destroyed by "indefinitely repeated" small mistakes, including constantly falling for other's "dividing" power moves or getting angry.
Small mistakes irritate and distance people, and need to be effectively addressed to prevent breakups and before that unconscious conflict.
The higher level "relationship" can hold people together for a while, but only if the small mistakes are reflected upon, addressed and eventually not repeated.
The phenomenon works similarly in parent-child relationships, friendships, acquaintances, etc.
Each of these may have a different "breaking point", but the breaking point always comes if one doesn't mend his mistakes and eventually stops repeating them.
Absolutely, 100%.
And I'd go even further:
Some mistakes will distance people and ruin relationships even if addressed.
And the bigger they are, the bigger the "crack".
Some early articles here on relationships dealt with that -break-up threats, meanness in relationships, etc.-.
Some things you say or do, you can't take back.
And they just create cracks.
You may improve, but there'll always be cracks.
That is true across all relationships, and also in many different fields:
A boss who steals credit may lose his employees' respect for good
A parent who beats a child even just once will leave a mark long after the bruise goes away -for ever-
A friend who betrays a friend is not a friend anymore... For ever.
Some mistakes may not be that big, of course.
But they may be more repeated.
And many smaller mistakes will still create a web of cracks ("death by thousand cracks").
The "growth mindset" as espoused by some -Tom Bylieu for example- seems to forge that.
It seems postulate that "mistakes are never a problem since it's all about learning".
Well, yes and no.
Some mistakes will leave a mark -for ever-.
This is why the good old advice of having a few relationships before your "final one" is a good idea.
Or to have some work experience before you join your dream business (or before you start your own).
And this is why attempting and learning to do some things far away from your main circles is also a good idea (SU for example says to go do your first cold approaches farther away from your place/house/city).
Etc. etc.

Taken from Bel's journal (so credits to him):

Quote from Bel on October 23, 2023, 5:09 pm
Especially because, I believe, the higher level "frame" of the relationship between a man and a woman, while initially resistant to repeated mistakes, can still be destroyed by "indefinitely repeated" small mistakes, including constantly falling for other's "dividing" power moves or getting angry.
Small mistakes irritate and distance people, and need to be effectively addressed to prevent breakups and before that unconscious conflict.
The higher level "relationship" can hold people together for a while, but only if the small mistakes are reflected upon, addressed and eventually not repeated.
The phenomenon works similarly in parent-child relationships, friendships, acquaintances, etc.
Each of these may have a different "breaking point", but the breaking point always comes if one doesn't mend his mistakes and eventually stops repeating them.

Absolutely, 100%.

And I'd go even further:

Some mistakes will distance people and ruin relationships even if addressed.

And the bigger they are, the bigger the "crack".

Some early articles here on relationships dealt with that -break-up threats, meanness in relationships, etc.-.

Some things you say or do, you can't take back.

And they just create cracks.

You may improve, but there'll always be cracks.

That is true across all relationships, and also in many different fields:

A boss who steals credit may lose his employees' respect for good
A parent who beats a child even just once will leave a mark long after the bruise goes away -for ever-
A friend who betrays a friend is not a friend anymore... For ever.

Some mistakes may not be that big, of course.

But they may be more repeated.
And many smaller mistakes will still create a web of cracks ("death by thousand cracks").

The "growth mindset" as espoused by some -Tom Bylieu for example- seems to forge that.
It seems postulate that "mistakes are never a problem since it's all about learning".

Well, yes and no.

Some mistakes will leave a mark -for ever-.

This is why the good old advice of having a few relationships before your "final one" is a good idea.

Or to have some work experience before you join your dream business (or before you start your own).

And this is why attempting and learning to do some things far away from your main circles is also a good idea (SU for example says to go do your first cold approaches farther away from your place/house/city).

Etc. etc.

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#2 · October 24, 2023, 11:05 am

I think it’s an important message. I was not aware of it but it sounds very true in my experience.

The resident who disrespected me several times no matter what I will never be close to her.

A friend of mine whom I saw at the hospital but had my social mask on (at work) and I was curt with still brought it up a year after.

The girlfriend I was not honest with 10 years ago we can never be lovers again (on my side because trust has been broken on my side and I’ve been hurt by things she did/said, she would like us to be together again).

My sister who was mean and distant with me for years I will never be so close to her.

The university hospital where I was disrespected I don’t think they could give me any amount of money to make me work there (only if no other solution of course or major change there).

So yes I agree some social mistakes you cannot undo. They leave scars in people’s minds and hearts.

If there would be a sincere apology and a change of behaviour that is a different.

I agree with your parallel with work and other aspects. In one hospital a resident missed an important diagnosis that will likely have consequences for all the child’s life. Now she’s branded as the bad resident forever by the people who know her.

Hospitals where a child died are still traumatized more than 10 years after that and have changed their practice to another extreme: lumbar punctions for all children with certain symptoms. Yes they are better for it but the history is marked by their mistakes and is now part of the organization’s identity.

I think this limitation also applies to how we think about mistakes. Mistakes are not good but they’re inevitable. So it’s an opportunity to improve but not a good thing in itself as Bel said in the past.

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