Quote from Ali Scarlett on November 25, 2023, 11:02 pm

In The Business of Friendship, author Shasta Nelson makes the case that all good friendships have three factors (which she refers to as "relationship requirements"):

• Positivity: refers to positive feelings—feeling good from such things as pride, awe, empathy, kindness, acts of service, gratitude, laughter, and affirmation. (Friendship entails both people raising the emotional happiness of each other.)
• Consistency: refers to consistent interaction. Time spent together is how a shared history and memories are established; it’s the repetition or regularity that develops patterns, rituals, and expectations in our relationship. (It's through this consistent time with one another that one comes to determine whether or not the other is dependable in the relationship.)
• Vulnerability: refers to meaningful sharing and the revealing of who we are. (Vulnerability is what leads to us ultimately feeling seen and known by the other, which is required for feeling loved or respected.)

Simplified, a good friendship entails them being someone you can talk to, someone you can depend on, and someone you enjoy.

See here a visual:

Nelson also references psychologists Debra Oswald and Eddie Clarke who were studying friendship maintenance behaviors and identified four main behaviors.

But, she says that their reports still agree with her definitions:

• Positivity
• Interaction and time spent together: "consistency"
• Supportiveness: according to Nelson, this is the result of consistency
• Openness/self-disclosure: which Nelson refers to as "vulnerability"

Assessing People

Nelson also makes the argument that when you're assessing people who seem distant (maybe you have to do all the following up or initiating in the relationship), sometimes it's not that this person is being a bad friend, but that they're at a level where they need to receive more of one (or more) of the three requirements in order to become a better friend. (In other words, you need to do more work on the relationship.)

So, sometimes you need to "move people up the friendship ladder" (toward becoming a closer friend) by giving more (positivity, consistency, and/or vulnerability).

Other times you need to simply lower your expectations and readjust what kind of friend you view them as.

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I think that this can be a good general model for handling most friendships, however, I wouldn't apply it to certain exceptions (such as frenemy relationships).

Happy to read any thoughts and feedback.