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The toast Power Move
Hello TPM Community
I recently went through the handshake section in PU and the dynamics associated with it.
During a dinner I noticed something interesting. In my opinion, some people use toasting before drinking as a power move.
I observed a man who had already attracted my attention with his dominant behavior. The dominant man was the first to raise his glass, indicating to the others that it was time to toast. This is a clear form of "leading" for me.
After that, however, came the actual power move. He raised his glass not very far from himself and looked the first person in the eye. The other person would then have to move his glass across most of the table (come to me, expand effort) and additionally look down to locate his glass to toast (looking down is more submissive).
It is relatively difficult for me to find a suitable reaction to something like this.
If I needed the person to achieve my goals, or otherwise didn't want to upset them, I probably wouldn't have done anything.
However, if they were below me in status (for example, boss/employee), I would have just raised my glass only a bit, like he did, and looked them deeply in the eye to imply that they should come to me, not the other way around.
How would you handle something like that? Have you also noticed this, or do you assess it differently?
Have a nice day
Hello Roberto.
Personally I think one can surface the odd behaviour from his part:
- Man if you want a toast you have to move your arm a bit, you know.
This comment of course has to be done " in jest" while smirking or laughing.
Of course that is in case you are the guy he makes eye contact with in order to signal to have a toast.
Otherwise I would say: one either surfaces it, or says nothing depending on his status in the group. As he probably runs the risk of being ignored.
Personally I haven't witnessed this, but I do think it's really nasty.
That's how I see it. Of course feel free to disagree and/or comment about it.
Cheers.
In case he were higher status than me I would put my glass up and wait for him to reach it. Thus he would be the odd one and you don't come across as mean/daring to disrespect a higher status guy.
P.S:
This can be done in case he's same/lower status than the receiver of the power move. I would say this is the most "socially effective way". Lower effort, more subtle and as/more effective than the other way.
Hi Roberto,
very interesting.
My take to handle this would be to interpret the move as an invitation (not to toast by having the glasses clink, but) to toast “symbolically” and without contact.
In other words, I would mirror his move (look him in the eyes, bring my glass up but not near him) and say “cheers!”.
Yes, agree on the power move.
And as you say, the toasting situation generally lends itself really well to a leadership power move with the person who calls the toast and everyone else following.
So even without any added power move, there is still a status-boosting component that the toaster gets.
(I'd ignore if out with good friends of course, but many other situations you may want to take note).
Plus, if you add some power move like the one you say, then I'd definitely enter into "self-defense mode".
What you propose is great: if he doesn't push his glas far off enough, then you match the distance -and never cling the glasses-.
That already says a lot.
And I'd also do the same with same-status folks actually, not just with those below me.
(SLIGHTLY) OFF-TOPIC
This topic made me think of this famous scene in Goodfellas.
One of the ways of using toasts as a power move is to first disempower/offend someone, then kiiiinda cover it somehow, and then "toast" to pretend all is well and have them follow your lead (an effective submission, if they do):
Billy: (offends Tommy calling him a shoeshine)
Billy: (...) he was terrific, he was the best! Made a lot of money too
Billy: (toasts) salute Tommy!
But notice how a toast can also be used to mend a relationship.
After he explains himself and (kind of) apologize, he toasts again.
Tommy doesn't reply since the offense was big and the apology was still too dominant -but this time drinks with him at least, meeting halfway-.
(SLIGHTLY) OFF-TOPIC
Hello Roberto,
Thanks for sharing. To me what you did is flawless social finesse.
A possibility: at another point later you could do it yourself again but this time more inclusive.
Toaster: (raises glass to get attention) guys I want to say (looks everyone in the yes): I'm glad that we're all together tonight (smile and look at everyone). Cheers! (cheerfully)
