To ease tension, draw attention to it and release it with humor ("forced vulnerability")
From Sammy Gravano's stories:
Sammy: I was sitting with the old bosses, and I had just gotten made. They saw that I was nervous. The first guy who talked to me was fat tony. And he said:
Fat Tony: Sammy, why are you here. You're a young, good looking guy. You wanna sit here with old timers and bullshit about money? You should be out with broads (starts laughing)
Sammy: he relieved the pressure from me.
Great technique.
Fat Tony doesn't directly say that Sammy is nervous, but points out the "awkwardness" of him being there among far higher status folks. By surfacing the awkwardness, rather than pretending it's not there, he allows Sammy and everyone else to acknowledge it with a laugh, and move on.
The way it worked:
- Surfaces the awkwardness: "why are you here"
- Builds up Sammy: "You're a young, good looking guy", which serves to counteract the fact that he's actually lower status, saving Sammy's face
- Jokingly brings himself and the others down: "what are you doing here with old-timers"
- Jokingly frames the discussion as meaningless: "bullshitting about money", and that serves to put Sammy at ease
Call it, in a way, "forced vulnerability".
If Sammy had been vulnerable himself, for example by saying "I'm nervous" or "I'm too low in the paygrade to be here", that would have been too self-deprecating.
But since someone else did, and put a positive spin to it, it worked great.
Very good leader-move.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 21, 2021, 7:20 pmFrom Sammy Gravano's stories:
Sammy: I was sitting with the old bosses, and I had just gotten made. They saw that I was nervous. The first guy who talked to me was fat tony. And he said:
Fat Tony: Sammy, why are you here. You're a young, good looking guy. You wanna sit here with old timers and bullshit about money? You should be out with broads (starts laughing)
Sammy: he relieved the pressure from me.
Great technique.
Fat Tony doesn't directly say that Sammy is nervous, but points out the "awkwardness" of him being there among far higher status folks. By surfacing the awkwardness, rather than pretending it's not there, he allows Sammy and everyone else to acknowledge it with a laugh, and move on.The way it worked:
- Surfaces the awkwardness: "why are you here"
- Builds up Sammy: "You're a young, good looking guy", which serves to counteract the fact that he's actually lower status, saving Sammy's face
- Jokingly brings himself and the others down: "what are you doing here with old-timers"
- Jokingly frames the discussion as meaningless: "bullshitting about money", and that serves to put Sammy at ease
Call it, in a way, "forced vulnerability".
If Sammy had been vulnerable himself, for example by saying "I'm nervous" or "I'm too low in the paygrade to be here", that would have been too self-deprecating.
But since someone else did, and put a positive spin to it, it worked great.Very good leader-move.
Wow, such a covert power move, just like "I am sorry" and "you are too good for me"?
Quote from selfriend on March 30, 2021, 2:40Wow, such a covert power move, just like "I am sorry" and "you are too good for me"?
Selfriend, is this a question?
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on March 30, 2021, 5:28 pmQuote from selfriend on March 30, 2021, 2:40Wow, such a covert power move, just like "I am sorry" and "you are too good for me"?
Selfriend, is this a question?
Yes, it is a quick, informal question:
Is this a covert power move, just like "I am sorry"?
I am asking because both power moves share some similarities. On surface both of them are yielding power, but in fact it is a demonstration of high power.