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Understanding High power.

#1 · July 19, 2023, 12:02 am

Quote from Power Duck on July 19, 2023, 12:02 am
Hello guys,
Last week my power awareness and power skills have been increasing substantially, as well as my "feel" for power moves and "internal power accountancy".
However I've stumbled with some problems. And I thought you all could lend me a hand with this:
I don't understand why certain comments are high power.
I have some doubts about the definition of power.
Till now I've figured that:
As stated in the dictionary of power, power is the measure of an individual to influence or dictate decisions, influence or dictate other people’s behavior and, ultimately, to achieve goals and get the outcome, things, or results that he desires.
From this we can tell that high power behaviour influences/ dictates decisions/others behaviour, and helps achieve goals and get desired outcomes. And possibly gives hints that an individual might possess traits that could make him more suitable to achieve his goals. (E.g: open body language, which subcomunicates confidence, and confident people are more likely to go for what they want)
So: Stating ones wants/needs/thoughts openly is usually the fastest and most direct way to get what a desired outcome. Hence the reason for it being high power.

So for the 1st problem. For example how a comment like this is high power?
Boss: by the way, I will be taking a few days off later this week and early next week. Now that ~~....~~ is back, I can take some vacation right, ..... ? Hahaha
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/power-tech/topic/power-moves-retorts-best-of/#Boss_colleagues_8220joke8221_about_your_long_vacation
Is it high power because it frames you as an individual with the power to negatively frame your boss, because the lack of power protecting? I'm not sure.
Another example would be a judge comment,
You: you're a piece of trash.
It's said that's high power behaviour, and it does feel that way. However is it because it gives power to you because if not checked subcomunicates you can treat the other person as if you were better? Or is it because it's direct?
For the 2nd problem I'll explain myself a bit more: If high power behaviour makes influencing others easier, how come being sneaky and using manipulation which usually doesn't mean to state thoughts directly isn't necessarily high power behaviour, e.g: guilt tripping, passive aggressive behaviour.
So that would be my two major gaps in understanding high power behaviour which I think are making me become high power a bit harder.
I appreciate the help given, and of course feel free to disagree.
Cheers.
P.S:
I've got another question that I included here in the end because it's something a bit more complicated. But for me it's one of the more interesting concepts about power dynamics and that would be:
How and why does high power behaviour make others respect you more and make influence easier?
The idea behind this question is:
Just as power protecting works because it prevents people from feeling critizised, labeled as evil or less worthy, controlled, etc. How does high power behaviour work?

Hello guys,

Last week my power awareness and power skills have been increasing substantially, as well as my "feel" for power moves and "internal power accountancy".

However I've stumbled with some problems. And I thought you all could lend me a hand with this:

I don't understand why certain comments are high power.
I have some doubts about the definition of power.

Till now I've figured that:

As stated in the dictionary of power, power is the measure of an individual to influence or dictate decisions, influence or dictate other people’s behavior and, ultimately, to achieve goals and get the outcome, things, or results that he desires.
From this we can tell that high power behaviour influences/ dictates decisions/others behaviour, and helps achieve goals and get desired outcomes. And possibly gives hints that an individual might possess traits that could make him more suitable to achieve his goals. (E.g: open body language, which subcomunicates confidence, and confident people are more likely to go for what they want)
So: Stating ones wants/needs/thoughts openly is usually the fastest and most direct way to get what a desired outcome. Hence the reason for it being high power.

So for the 1st problem. For example how a comment like this is high power?

Boss: by the way, I will be taking a few days off later this week and early next week. Now that ~~....~~ is back, I can take some vacation right, ..... ? Hahaha
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/power-tech/topic/power-moves-retorts-best-of/#Boss_colleagues_8220joke8221_about_your_long_vacation

Is it high power because it frames you as an individual with the power to negatively frame your boss, because the lack of power protecting? I'm not sure.

Another example would be a judge comment,

You: you're a piece of trash.

It's said that's high power behaviour, and it does feel that way. However is it because it gives power to you because if not checked subcomunicates you can treat the other person as if you were better? Or is it because it's direct?

For the 2nd problem I'll explain myself a bit more: If high power behaviour makes influencing others easier, how come being sneaky and using manipulation which usually doesn't mean to state thoughts directly isn't necessarily high power behaviour, e.g: guilt tripping, passive aggressive behaviour.

So that would be my two major gaps in understanding high power behaviour which I think are making me become high power a bit harder.

I appreciate the help given, and of course feel free to disagree.

Cheers.

P.S:

I've got another question that I included here in the end because it's something a bit more complicated. But for me it's one of the more interesting concepts about power dynamics and that would be:

How and why does high power behaviour make others respect you more and make influence easier?

The idea behind this question is:

Just as power protecting works because it prevents people from feeling critizised, labeled as evil or less worthy, controlled, etc. How does high power behaviour work?

#2 · July 19, 2023, 12:27 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 19, 2023, 12:27 pm
Hello Power duck,
I struggle to answer these questions because:
We address specific situations on the forum because that's where we can help the most. We can't fix a foundational question such as "I don't understand why certain comments are high power" or "how to understand high power". You simply will grow that with time.
So, as usual: pick one single question, and stick to that :)
I don't care much about definitions and purposefully avoided adding them to PU any so far.
I may add a topic with better definitions going forward, but mark it as "optional" right away. Definitions aren't important. Acquiring the awareness and skills is. And definition only offer marginal help in that, while taking valuable time away.
Quote from Power duck on July 19, 2023, 12:02 am
For example how a comment like this is high power?
Boss: by the way, I will be taking a few days off later this week and early next week. Now that ~~....~~ is back, I can take some vacation right, ..... ? Hahaha
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/power-tech/topic/power-moves-retorts-best-of/#Boss_colleagues_8220joke8221_about_your_long_vacation
Is it high power because it frames you as an individual with the power to negatively frame your boss, because the lack of power protecting? I'm not sure.
In part, yes.
But the goal is not so much being high power.
The goal is to avoid submitting to the guilt-trip of you having being on holiday and to frame you as taking too much time off.
It's about resetting the frame that you're not slacking, and that it's not OK for the boss to imply that.
You have legally-mandated holidays, so you don't even enter the frame of "taking (long) holidays or not".
You completely sidestep that topic because he shouldn't even allow himself to joke about that.
Then, yes, it also happens to be high power because you're not submitting to your boss, accepting his frame, and laughing along.
But that's only a consequence.

Hello Power duck,

I struggle to answer these questions because:

We address specific situations on the forum because that's where we can help the most. We can't fix a foundational question such as "I don't understand why certain comments are high power" or "how to understand high power". You simply will grow that with time.
So, as usual: pick one single question, and stick to that :)
I don't care much about definitions and purposefully avoided adding them to PU any so far.
I may add a topic with better definitions going forward, but mark it as "optional" right away. Definitions aren't important. Acquiring the awareness and skills is. And definition only offer marginal help in that, while taking valuable time away.

Quote from Power duck on July 19, 2023, 12:02 am
For example how a comment like this is high power?
Boss: by the way, I will be taking a few days off later this week and early next week. Now that ~~....~~ is back, I can take some vacation right, ..... ? Hahaha
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much
https://thepowermoves.com/courses/power-university/lessons/power-tech/topic/power-moves-retorts-best-of/#Boss_colleagues_8220joke8221_about_your_long_vacation
Is it high power because it frames you as an individual with the power to negatively frame your boss, because the lack of power protecting? I'm not sure.

In part, yes.

But the goal is not so much being high power.

The goal is to avoid submitting to the guilt-trip of you having being on holiday and to frame you as taking too much time off.

It's about resetting the frame that you're not slacking, and that it's not OK for the boss to imply that.
You have legally-mandated holidays, so you don't even enter the frame of "taking (long) holidays or not".

You completely sidestep that topic because he shouldn't even allow himself to joke about that.

Then, yes, it also happens to be high power because you're not submitting to your boss, accepting his frame, and laughing along.

But that's only a consequence.

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#3 · July 19, 2023, 12:46 pm

Edit:

So I guess you know what I meant here, right?
The foundational question there is "how can I make the jump to the next level of power awareness".
And the answer to that is: keep going through PU, observing and putting into practice in real life, and ideally also use the forum.

As for the dynamic of that situation, it's a very interesting one, may open a topic about it now.

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#4 · July 19, 2023, 2:56 pm

Thanks for the response Lucio.

That note of yours definetely helped me to understand more what high power behaviour is, how it works and how to better identify it.

I usually search for definitions because I'm really curious about power dynamics and like to internalize certain dynamics as much as possible.

To be honest I think that some definitions can be really useful, however its use resides in helping to develop awareness, As you point out that's the desired results of studying power dynamics: developing the awareness and making certain behaviours/attitudes 2nd nature, and that can be developed without the need for definitions.

Cheers.

P.S:

Also, I believe that if I know what high power is at its core I can better identify high power behaviour and develop the awareness by consciously identifying said behaviours.

I'll try to make some definitions about power and social dynamics myself though, more than anything because I like doing it :).

#5 · July 19, 2023, 3:31 pm

Yeah, fair enough, I may have been too quick in dismissing definition since I'm thinking these days how to make PU faster to absorb and for that wanted to avoid anything that may be too theoretical.

But yeah, otherwise I agree with you: can be useful.

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#6 · July 19, 2023, 10:37 pm

Quote from John Freeman on July 19, 2023, 10:37 pm
Hello Power Duck,
I do agree that it's not an easy concept to understand. I also agree with Lucio's approach on how to learn it. Personnally I struggled with this idea and still do sometimes.
Indeed, there are several aspects to high power. To me, power is the ability to create what you have in your mind. To make true what you desire. To get what you want.
In order to do that, one must have the ability to do it, that is the ability to choose what he wants. So a man with options has more power than a man with less options. So everything that gives you more choices gives you more power.
For instance: money gives you more choices of what you can buy. Being attractive to females gives you more choice about whom to date. Having great skills and great experiences gives you more choices about where and with whom to work. Having great social skills gives you more choices about who you want to have as friends.
So basically, to have more power is to have more choices so you can get what you want.
And in human societies, the commodities that let you have what you want are the same we all know: character (self-development), money, skills, looks, physical strength and size, any thing that other people want basically.
Being low power then means that you have little to no choices and that you get the scrap of what other people don't want: the shitty job, the ugly girlfriend, the asshole friends, etc.
Then the way one talks and expresses oneself (something we learn here) subcommunicates that we do have the commodities that people want. And then people give us these commodities in a self-reinforcing cycle. If you look like a cool guy, cool people want to be your friends and then you get to meet more cool people. If you seem great for a job you get a better job that gives you access to better jobs. And so on and so forth.
So the part we can control in becoming higher power is how to increase our choices. Since we are social animals, social skills are foundational: to make people feel good for associating with us. However if one feels like shit, one must first address introspection or self-healing.
In summary, for me being high power is being somebody who can get what he wants in life. And how to get there is an organic process as Lucio said. There is no straight line.
So for instance a high-power person is someone like Leonardo Di Caprio: he can get pretty much what he wants in life. A low-power person is a beggar: he cannot get anything he wants and has to beg.
Another example is being emotionally independent (as much as possible): if you don't need other people as much as they need you you can choose to be or not to be with them. If you are emotionally dependent your choice is reduced as you feel like you have to be with them.
Also being high-value, high-quality, high-status overlap with this concept. Someone who is either high-value, high-quality or high-status will have more choices, therefore will be higher power.
That's my perspective on it.

Hello Power Duck,

I do agree that it's not an easy concept to understand. I also agree with Lucio's approach on how to learn it. Personnally I struggled with this idea and still do sometimes.

Indeed, there are several aspects to high power. To me, power is the ability to create what you have in your mind. To make true what you desire. To get what you want.

In order to do that, one must have the ability to do it, that is the ability to choose what he wants. So a man with options has more power than a man with less options. So everything that gives you more choices gives you more power.

For instance: money gives you more choices of what you can buy. Being attractive to females gives you more choice about whom to date. Having great skills and great experiences gives you more choices about where and with whom to work. Having great social skills gives you more choices about who you want to have as friends.

So basically, to have more power is to have more choices so you can get what you want.

And in human societies, the commodities that let you have what you want are the same we all know: character (self-development), money, skills, looks, physical strength and size, any thing that other people want basically.

Being low power then means that you have little to no choices and that you get the scrap of what other people don't want: the shitty job, the ugly girlfriend, the asshole friends, etc.

Then the way one talks and expresses oneself (something we learn here) subcommunicates that we do have the commodities that people want. And then people give us these commodities in a self-reinforcing cycle. If you look like a cool guy, cool people want to be your friends and then you get to meet more cool people. If you seem great for a job you get a better job that gives you access to better jobs. And so on and so forth.

So the part we can control in becoming higher power is how to increase our choices. Since we are social animals, social skills are foundational: to make people feel good for associating with us. However if one feels like shit, one must first address introspection or self-healing.

In summary, for me being high power is being somebody who can get what he wants in life. And how to get there is an organic process as Lucio said. There is no straight line.

So for instance a high-power person is someone like Leonardo Di Caprio: he can get pretty much what he wants in life. A low-power person is a beggar: he cannot get anything he wants and has to beg.

Another example is being emotionally independent (as much as possible): if you don't need other people as much as they need you you can choose to be or not to be with them. If you are emotionally dependent your choice is reduced as you feel like you have to be with them.

Also being high-value, high-quality, high-status overlap with this concept. Someone who is either high-value, high-quality or high-status will have more choices, therefore will be higher power.

That's my perspective on it.

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#7 · July 20, 2023, 6:12 pm

To the great answers so far, I'd add that the precise answer to the comment by the boss was not this one here:

Quote from Power duck on July 19, 2023, 12:02 am
Boss: by the way, I will be taking a few days off later this week and early next week. Now that ~~....~~ is back, I can take some vacation right, ..... ? Hahaha
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much

The answer Power Duck quoted was meant to address a colleague saying that.

To the boss, you want to be less openly confrontational.

The comment about the boss "being able to take his vacations independently of you" does just that:

it consists of an "encouragement" that - since not needed, and jokingly framing the boss as "disorganized"- slightly lowers the power of the boss after his power move - which was intended to frame the employee as a slacker.

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#8 · July 21, 2023, 11:22 am

Quote from Power Duck on July 21, 2023, 11:22 am
Thanks to both John and Bel :)
Quote from John Freeman on July 19, 2023, 10:37 pm
Hello Power Duck,
I do agree that it's not an easy concept to understand. I also agree with Lucio's approach on how to learn it. Personnally I struggled with this idea and still do sometimes.
Indeed, there are several aspects to high power. To me, power is the ability to create what you have in your mind. To make true what you desire. To get what you want.
In order to do that, one must have the ability to do it, that is the ability to choose what he wants. So a man with options has more power than a man with less options. So everything that gives you more choices gives you more power.
For instance: money gives you more choices of what you can buy. Being attractive to females gives you more choice about whom to date. Having great skills and great experiences gives you more choices about where and with whom to work. Having great social skills gives you more choices about who you want to have as friends.
So basically, to have more power is to have more choices so you can get what you want.
And in human societies, the commodities that let you have what you want are the same we all know: character (self-development), money, skills, looks, physical strength and size, any thing that other people want basically.
Being low power then means that you have little to no choices and that you get the scrap of what other people don't want: the shitty job, the ugly girlfriend, the asshole friends, etc.
Then the way one talks and expresses oneself (something we learn here) subcommunicates that we do have the commodities that people want. And then people give us these commodities in a self-reinforcing cycle. If you look like a cool guy, cool people want to be your friends and then you get to meet more cool people. If you seem great for a job you get a better job that gives you access to better jobs. And so on and so forth.
So the part we can control in becoming higher power is how to increase our choices. Since we are social animals, social skills are foundational: to make people feel good for associating with us. However if one feels like shit, one must first address introspection or self-healing.
In summary, for me being high power is being somebody who can get what he wants in life. And how to get there is an organic process as Lucio said. There is no straight line.
So for instance a high-power person is someone like Leonardo Di Caprio: he can get pretty much what he wants in life. A low-power person is a beggar: he cannot get anything he wants and has to beg.
Another example is being emotionally independent (as much as possible): if you don't need other people as much as they need you you can choose to be or not to be with them. If you are emotionally dependent your choice is reduced as you feel like you have to be with them.
Also being high-value, high-quality, high-status overlap with this concept. Someone who is either high-value, high-quality or high-status will have more choices, therefore will be higher power.
That's my perspective on it.
Wow, apart from leaving me speechless this response made me remember the movie Catch Me If you Can not exactly because of the Leonardo Di Caprio example, but because as you point out knowing how to subcommunicate (deceive in this case) that we have the commodities others want may make them want to stablish win-win relationships in most ocassions with us.
Your response overall changed a lot how I see high power as a concept. Thanks.

Quote from Bel on July 20, 2023, 6:12 pm
To the great answers so far, I'd add that the precise answer to the comment by the boss was not this one here:
Quote from Power duck on July 19, 2023, 12:02 am
Boss: by the way, I will be taking a few days off later this week and early next week. Now that ~~....~~ is back, I can take some vacation right, ..... ? Hahaha
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much
The answer Power Duck quoted was meant to address a colleague saying that.
To the boss, you want to be less openly confrontational.
The comment about the boss "being able to take his vacations independently of you" does just that:
it consists of an "encouragement" that - since not needed, and jokingly framing the boss as "disorganized"- slightly lowers the power of the boss after his power move - which was intended to frame the employee as a slacker.
Yeah, I think this is the one you're referring to If I'm not wrong:
You: of course, feel free to take vacations independently of mine
I didn't conciously realise that it framed the boss as disorganized but I got the feeling. Thanks for pointing it out.
About this being confrontational:
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much
I think it depends both on the tone you use and on your relationship with the boss. However I agree that even if the boss disempowered you its better to avoid making obvious power moves like this one. I pulled this on my Muay thai teacher yesterday when he told me that I "had abandoned him for a week" in a joking tone though :p. I think it wasn't cool from my part or that I could've answered with something less disempowering, although one could say he was the one who started it.

Cheers to both of you.

Thanks to both John and Bel :)

Quote from John Freeman on July 19, 2023, 10:37 pm
Hello Power Duck,
I do agree that it's not an easy concept to understand. I also agree with Lucio's approach on how to learn it. Personnally I struggled with this idea and still do sometimes.
Indeed, there are several aspects to high power. To me, power is the ability to create what you have in your mind. To make true what you desire. To get what you want.
In order to do that, one must have the ability to do it, that is the ability to choose what he wants. So a man with options has more power than a man with less options. So everything that gives you more choices gives you more power.
For instance: money gives you more choices of what you can buy. Being attractive to females gives you more choice about whom to date. Having great skills and great experiences gives you more choices about where and with whom to work. Having great social skills gives you more choices about who you want to have as friends.
So basically, to have more power is to have more choices so you can get what you want.
And in human societies, the commodities that let you have what you want are the same we all know: character (self-development), money, skills, looks, physical strength and size, any thing that other people want basically.
Being low power then means that you have little to no choices and that you get the scrap of what other people don't want: the shitty job, the ugly girlfriend, the asshole friends, etc.
Then the way one talks and expresses oneself (something we learn here) subcommunicates that we do have the commodities that people want. And then people give us these commodities in a self-reinforcing cycle. If you look like a cool guy, cool people want to be your friends and then you get to meet more cool people. If you seem great for a job you get a better job that gives you access to better jobs. And so on and so forth.
So the part we can control in becoming higher power is how to increase our choices. Since we are social animals, social skills are foundational: to make people feel good for associating with us. However if one feels like shit, one must first address introspection or self-healing.
In summary, for me being high power is being somebody who can get what he wants in life. And how to get there is an organic process as Lucio said. There is no straight line.
So for instance a high-power person is someone like Leonardo Di Caprio: he can get pretty much what he wants in life. A low-power person is a beggar: he cannot get anything he wants and has to beg.
Another example is being emotionally independent (as much as possible): if you don't need other people as much as they need you you can choose to be or not to be with them. If you are emotionally dependent your choice is reduced as you feel like you have to be with them.
Also being high-value, high-quality, high-status overlap with this concept. Someone who is either high-value, high-quality or high-status will have more choices, therefore will be higher power.
That's my perspective on it.

Wow, apart from leaving me speechless this response made me remember the movie Catch Me If you Can not exactly because of the Leonardo Di Caprio example, but because as you point out knowing how to subcommunicate (deceive in this case) that we have the commodities others want may make them want to stablish win-win relationships in most ocassions with us.

Your response overall changed a lot how I see high power as a concept. Thanks.

Quote from Bel on July 20, 2023, 6:12 pm
To the great answers so far, I'd add that the precise answer to the comment by the boss was not this one here:
Quote from Power duck on July 19, 2023, 12:02 am
Boss: by the way, I will be taking a few days off later this week and early next week. Now that ~~....~~ is back, I can take some vacation right, ..... ? Hahaha
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much
The answer Power Duck quoted was meant to address a colleague saying that.
To the boss, you want to be less openly confrontational.
The comment about the boss "being able to take his vacations independently of you" does just that:
it consists of an "encouragement" that - since not needed, and jokingly framing the boss as "disorganized"- slightly lowers the power of the boss after his power move - which was intended to frame the employee as a slacker.

Yeah, I think this is the one you're referring to If I'm not wrong:

You: of course, feel free to take vacations independently of mine

I didn't conciously realise that it framed the boss as disorganized but I got the feeling. Thanks for pointing it out.

About this being confrontational:

You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn’t miss me much

I think it depends both on the tone you use and on your relationship with the boss. However I agree that even if the boss disempowered you its better to avoid making obvious power moves like this one. I pulled this on my Muay thai teacher yesterday when he told me that I "had abandoned him for a week" in a joking tone though :p. I think it wasn't cool from my part or that I could've answered with something less disempowering, although one could say he was the one who started it.

Cheers to both of you.

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#9 · July 21, 2023, 8:19 pm

Hello Power Duck,

thank you. I’m glad it was helpful.

Regarding your teacher I haven’t heard the tone. With this in mind, I think that it’s actually a way to communicate to you that he likes you and that you’re important to him. I don’t know your relationship though. Sometimes it’s a way for a higher up to communicate how much you’re bringing value to them/the team without losing status themselves. So it can feel or sound awkward. It can be an affectionate way to say: « I like you and I need you but I cannot say it overly ». And if it’s just a component of it with guilt tripping included I would focus on the positive and address that (selective hearing): high power reframe. So a way to answer this could be:

« I missed you and the team both too. I’m glad to be back (in the team/so we can do great stuff together) » (without a « yes » which I think would confirm a negative frame on you abandoning them). So you answer as what he expressed was « I/we missed you ». Even if that’s not what he meant now you’re setting this frame which is a collaborative/team-building one. So either he means it positively and you get closer or he did not mean it in a positive way and you build a collaborative frame.

As Lucio says: I was not there, you know better. I would consider this a possibility though.

I’m happy to know if it makes sense for you or not.

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#10 · July 21, 2023, 8:49 pm

Quote from Power Duck on July 21, 2023, 8:49 pm
Quote from John Freeman on July 21, 2023, 8:19 pm
Hello Power Duck,
thank you. I’m glad it was helpful.
Regarding your teacher I haven’t heard the tone. With this in mind, I think that it’s actually a way to communicate to you that he likes you and that you’re important to him. I don’t know your relationship though. Sometimes it’s a way for a higher up to communicate how much you’re bringing value to them/the team without losing status themselves. So it can feel or sound awkward. It can be an affectionate way to say: « I like you and I need you but I cannot say it overly ». And if it’s just a component of it with guilt tripping included I would focus on the positive and address that (selective hearing): high power reframe. So a way to answer this could be:
« I missed you and the team both too. I’m glad to be back (in the team/so we can do great stuff together) » (without a « yes » which I think would confirm a negative frame on you abandoning them). So you answer as what he expressed was « I/we missed you ». Even if that’s not what he meant now you’re setting this frame which is a collaborative/team-building one. So either he means it positively and you get closer or he did not mean it in a positive way and you build a collaborative frame.
As Lucio says: I was not there, you know better. I would consider this a possibility though.
I’m happy to know if it makes sense for you or not.
Hello John,
Now that you mention it he actually replied with: "Yes to be honest", at the time I thought he was just defending with something to not look bad. But now that I think about it he also encourages me and congratulates me (as well as other guys) when I do things well. He could be a really cool guy.
About your reframing, I do like it. I think with some people it could come as "too intense", but changing a word or two with some people would do the trick.
Thanks for pointing out that possibility John, you made me think about certain mistakes I could be making as well as me developing some kind of trust issues too.
Cheers.

Quote from John Freeman on July 21, 2023, 8:19 pm
Hello Power Duck,
thank you. I’m glad it was helpful.
Regarding your teacher I haven’t heard the tone. With this in mind, I think that it’s actually a way to communicate to you that he likes you and that you’re important to him. I don’t know your relationship though. Sometimes it’s a way for a higher up to communicate how much you’re bringing value to them/the team without losing status themselves. So it can feel or sound awkward. It can be an affectionate way to say: « I like you and I need you but I cannot say it overly ». And if it’s just a component of it with guilt tripping included I would focus on the positive and address that (selective hearing): high power reframe. So a way to answer this could be:
« I missed you and the team both too. I’m glad to be back (in the team/so we can do great stuff together) » (without a « yes » which I think would confirm a negative frame on you abandoning them). So you answer as what he expressed was « I/we missed you ». Even if that’s not what he meant now you’re setting this frame which is a collaborative/team-building one. So either he means it positively and you get closer or he did not mean it in a positive way and you build a collaborative frame.
As Lucio says: I was not there, you know better. I would consider this a possibility though.
I’m happy to know if it makes sense for you or not.

Hello John,

Now that you mention it he actually replied with: "Yes to be honest", at the time I thought he was just defending with something to not look bad. But now that I think about it he also encourages me and congratulates me (as well as other guys) when I do things well. He could be a really cool guy.

About your reframing, I do like it. I think with some people it could come as "too intense", but changing a word or two with some people would do the trick.

Thanks for pointing out that possibility John, you made me think about certain mistakes I could be making as well as me developing some kind of trust issues too.

Cheers.

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