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Vague Compliments With A Judge Role
The other discussion inspired me to write this post.
Some people tend to give imprecise, vague compliments like
- I like you (That's why I like you like in Wolf of Wall Street)
- Good job
- You are doing great
I feel that intentionally hiding your hand of why you view a person's actions as positive is manipulative.
Positive could mean "it helps you to further your own interest".
It is a way of rewarding the other person without letting the person know your intentions.
A weapon of control.
Also not explaining the rationale behind the judgement suggests that a person is entitled to his/her opinion without considering the other's inputs.
On judgements where joint decisions should be made, this is particularly risky in my opinion to the party not having the input.
It's like the wife of a husband who keeps telling him "this is good", "this is bad" or vice versa.
This is fair if there is a power imbalance.
For example, an executive is a decision-maker.
He has many employees and does not have the time to explain his decisions to everyone.
In this case, this is fair.
Or, in personal life decisions, you are the captain of your own ship.
It is healthy and empowering for you to be able to make absolute decisions on how you spend your time and resources.
On another note, vague compliments can sometimes be haughty as well.
As what Lucio pointed out in the case of Trump's remarks towards Comey.
I think Trump's interactions provide great cases studies on back-handed compliments and power compliments.
As Lucio says, the body language and tone are important.
So this is more difficult to discern over text or emails or any written medium.
Sometimes people want to express a particular emotion without the underlying logic involved.
As such, "I like you", "great choice" & "this is awesome" are all value-giving compliments.
Personal Note
I believe that my experiences with "shine up, praise down" individuals have made me highly sceptical of compliments.
Sometimes my view of compliments skews too highly in the negative direction.
I'm not sure how to re-wire this intuition because I have to step back and consciously evaluate the compliment.
My intuition does not match up to my logical conclusion of the power dynamics of the compliment.
This post tells us that a good way to make sure you don't come across as pulling a power move on someone is to be:
- Be more specific about what you liked or what was good
- Give them the credit: how the actions or behavior help you, you two, or the team
- Add gratitude: which serves to reframe the exchange as collaborative. gratitude is a form of saying you will (seek to) give back
Example:
Great job man, that website looks really nice (not too specific, but it's enough not to make "great job" stand on its own), this will definitely help us get that grant. Thanks man, you've really helped us a lot with this (credit giving and gratitude)
I agree with the post above. I'll give another example:
Some supervisors out of a good intention say: "Thank you for the day"
I think they mean well. However, I don't like it. Why? Because it sounds like I'm working FOR them. I am not. They're just another employee like me. I am working for the patient and my employer is the hospital I'm working for. That is subjective and could be me being oversensitive. However, I think I would prefer a "great job" in this case.
Of course, in this case, I would say: "Thank YOU!" to bring us back (more) on the same level.
What do you think?
I see where you are coming from.
"Thank you for the day" could be interpreted as "Thank you for doing this for me".
Which has an implicit frame that you are obeying his instructions rather than focusing on the patient.
To be safe nowadays, I do what you do as well.
I meet a compliment with a compliment as it works whether the person has kind intentions or was out to get some power.
As Lucio advises, I try to frame the compliment in the context of giving credibility back to the larger team as well.
Him: Thank you for the day.
Me: Our team performed well today! Thanks
Or
Him: Great job!
Me: Our team delivered outstanding results indeed!
All good options from Matthew.
Something important to keep in mind in these cases are the pre-existing power dynamics.
Such as:
- How much power does the person who says have? If he's very powerful, then you can let him get away with it
- How much power does he have over you? Can he promote/demote/fire/assign pay rises? If yes, see above. If not, he might be going too far with that frame
- How much can you learn / get from this person? If you stand a lot to gain and he's a touchy person, you might let him get away with the power move just to be 100% sure you're not souring the relationship (Machiavellian approach)
Also, similar and simpler:
Him: Thank you for the day
You: Thank youo too, we did a good job (reframes from "you did good", a top-down compliment, to "we did good, as a team", an inclusive frame)
Quote from Matthew Whitewood on February 5, 2021, 7:43 amI see where you are coming from.
"Thank you for the day" could be interpreted as "Thank you for doing this for me".
Yes
Which has an implicit frame that you are obeying his instructions rather than focusing on the patient.
Not exactly. As I said, the frame is more: "you're working for me". But no I'm not working for him or her.
To be safe nowadays, I do what you do as well.
I meet a compliment with a compliment as it works whether the person has kind intentions or was out to get some power.
As Lucio advises, I try to frame the compliment in the context of giving credibility back to the larger team as well.Him: Thank you for the day.
Me: Our team performed well today! Thanks
Or
Him: Great job!
Me: Our team delivered outstanding results indeed!
Yes. And now you know my catchphrase: Teamwork! You inspired me to use it for these situations, though, thanks. Teamwork! ;)
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 5, 2021, 12:57 pm
- How much power does the person who says have? If he's very powerful, then you can let him get away with it
As I said in Switzerland, the culture is very hierarchical. So even if they are just a little above me, this is a big power differential. In this case, my supervisor has quite some power.
- How much power does he have over you? Can he promote/demote/fire/assign pay rises? If yes, see above. If not, he might be going too far with that frame
No, but they evaluate my work.
- How much can you learn / get from this person? If you stand a lot to gain and he's a touchy person, you might let him get away with the power move just to be 100% sure you're not souring the relationship (Machiavellian approach)
Definitely, my current approach.
Also, similar and simpler:
Him: Thank you for the day
You: Thank you too, we did a good job (reframes from "you did good", a top-down compliment, to "we did good, as a team", an inclusive frame)
This is great, from both of you guys. Thanks!
I realize to have a solid power dynamics game, it happens in all these little interactions. How we treat others and how we are treated by others. This is how we climb up or fall down the social pyramid. Little by little. And I believe, we are designed to keep track of those events. So we can see/feel who's rising and who's falling down. There are showdowns, but they happen only after many little interactions like this. So we are preparing everyday who's going to win and who's going to lose by being better in these moments. So that when the showdown happens, there is only a small nudge to win it. Long game mindset.
I recently made a video and showed it to my partner:
Me: (Shows Videos and Highlights What It's About)
Him: Amazing job with the video. It highlights all the relevant points.
I'm not sure if this is a power move or this gives me credit.
I still find compliments quite confusing.
Maybe because compliments have a lot of dynamics within a single sentence.
In this case, there is
- Giving social credit - he says the video will benefit due to highlighting the relevant points
- Judge power - he judges the value of my video
- Self-frame - he frames himself as the one who knows what the relevant points are
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 5, 2021, 3:35 amThis post tells us that a good way to make sure you don't come across as pulling a power move on someone is to be:
- Be more specific about what you liked or what was good
- Give them the credit: how the actions or behavior help you, you two, or the team
- Add gratitude: which serves to reframe the exchange as collaborative. gratitude is a form of saying you will (seek to) give back
Example:
Great job man, that website looks really nice (not too specific, but it's enough not to make "great job" stand on its own), this will definitely help us get that grant. Thanks man, you've really helped us a lot with this (credit giving and gratitude)
I guess, in this case, we match point number 1. The point is not too specific, but it gives some details about how what I did give value.
I think some credit was given because he implied I touched upon some relevant points.
Maybe what was a bit lacking was gratitude and a sense of intending to give back.
Should You Take Into Account the Character of the Person Giving Compliments?
I feel that some people give generic compliments not because they want to throw a power move but because
- they want to throw in something quick
- they actually have good intentions but couldn't phrase things in the optimal manner
- people who are critical thinkers and evaluative but don't really think much about the best way to show gratitude and give credit
- they are not very good with giving compliments
Hey Matthew,
to answer your question: absolutely one should take into account people's character, as well as:
- Track record of behavior
- Their status within the group
- Their status and power in relation to yours
Thanks a lot for the advice Lucio.
I think that I find handling the power dynamics of the judge role quite challenging sometimes.
Because falling too much within the judge frame or rebelling against too strongly are ineffective.
As such, I have to find the balance on how to provide my own perspective.
I find covert power moves challenging to understand.
For example, I'm still unsure when
- An apology is sincere or a covert power move
- Even if it is sincere, when does it still disempower you in the eyes of others?
- Compliments
- Submissive - I think it can be submissive if it sounds like you want to ingratiate someone
- Value-adding - You raise the other person's status by showing sincere appreciation for their skills & efforts
- Covert power move - You frame yourself as the judge and being kind when push the person down
Since this thread is about compliments, I think I should stick to examples of compliments.
Let's talk about the case where a person compliments a chef on the food.
Submissive
I have never experienced such great food before.
You self-frame as someone not so experienced in good food, and the chef is more experienced.
It may not be the best because compliments need to come from someone with status to be value-adding.
Value-Adding
A compliment of the following would be better
I have been to many high-end restaurants.
But there's something about your food that really hits the spot.
The combination of flavours is unique.
This raises your own value by showing that you are a discerning diner.
Then, you raise the chef's value by giving him credit for how he prepares the dish uniquely.
As Lucio advised, it's a good compliment because you focus on the task rather than the person.
So it comes across as appreciation rather than as a judgement of the other person.
Also, since you are tasting the food, there's already an implicit frame that the chef is giving you value when you compliment the food.
It's giving the chef credit for sharing his dish with you.
To go even further, one could even thank the chef as Lucio says gratitude could be another value-adding layer to the dynamic.
Covert Power Move
Well done, I like the way you prepared the food.
This has a vibe that you are a food critic, and the chef has made food that satisfies your taste.
So you place yourself above him.
In this case, you focus more on the person (the chef) rather than the food.
In fact, you didn't really mention anything about the food.
It comes across as judgemental.
Is It About Self-Framing & How You Frame the Other Person?
As Lucio advised, it's not a black or white dynamic.
There tends to be a mixture of the superior judge role, appreciation and possibly even submissive dynamic.
Compliments, where the individual focuses on being the superior judge role, are more towards the covert power move.
It tends to be vaguer and focused on taking the superior role.
Submissive compliments are when you place the other person above you.
Value-adding compliments tend to be more specific, give credit, and show gratitude as Lucio advised.
You show that you can discern good value and acknowledge the value that the other party has brought you.
It's also more collaborative.
