Former Community – We Moved

🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.

ForumPublic Forum: Power DynamicsAsking questions and expecting a …

Please or Register to create posts and topics.

Asking questions and expecting a reply: is dominant, or insensitive?

#1 · July 30, 2020, 12:27 am

In the article about verbal dominance 2.2 it says that it is more dominant to expect a reply.

I don't fully agree with that.

I've read elsewhere that repeatedly asking the same question projects neediness and low value. This makes a lot of sense to me: You have a question. They have the answer. They don't want to give you the answer. Doesn't it look needy to keep asking?

I will do my best to answer my own question: I think like so much of social/power dynamics, it depends on the context of a situation.

If a boss asks a subordinate if the subordinate has written the report that the boss asked for and the subordinate doesn't answer, then the boss should of course keep asking the question until it is properly answered.

But if a guy is talking to a woman at a party and asks her what she's doing this weekend and she doesn't answer, that guy should NOT repeatedly ask the question.

In the film clip from Jackie Brown, the male character asking Jackie if she has a gun doesn't seem very dominant to me at all. However, he is asking if she has a gun because she is safer having a gun. So he is showing concern for her safety. To me, that's what makes his follow up questions ok in that example.

Comments?

#2 · July 30, 2020, 2:50 am

Asking a question and not getting a reply takes your power down.

You asked something, and they failed to comply.

That's why people with power and with a general high level of dominance expect their questions to be taken seriously.

The moment someone does not reply and you ask again, you initiate a small power showdown.

Since you might not have enough power to force a reply, then it can be smart not to ask again, as in this example:

Quote from EdnBr on July 30, 2020, 12:27 am
But if a guy is talking to a woman at a party and asks her what she's doing this weekend and she doesn't answer, that guy should NOT repeatedly ask the question.

But do not confuse a risk-strategy with power.

She's avoiding your question, spurning your request. You do lose power. And you have to make it up later, because if you keep being ignored, then you're not higher power than her, and you're not leading the interaction. Bad news for both social power/social status, and attraction.

In most situations, I would probably ask the same question again a bit later. And even point out that they deflected the answer.
Why should anyone avoid answering if the question you ask is a socially acceptable question?
Conversations are back and forth.
If they truly don't want to answer, then they can share why.

Stef has reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#3 · August 22, 2020, 11:13 am

small bit: sometimes all what it takes (to get an answer) is to reformulate the question or "dressing it in new words"

if you are good at this, it may not even sound like you are asking the same, yet you are!