Warm tasking and interruptions in a store

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 19, 2023, 10:33 pm

Great stuff, Bel.

Sounds to me like you did real well.

I think the link to the journal was missing or I'd have gladly taken a look for context/comparison.

Also good to be kinder and helpful to the clerk, which is a great move to show that you're only curt with those who are too bossy/dominant/asshole (a parallel could be drawn to the girl of your recent journal entry).

Was it a woman?
I've seen this behavior more frequently from women than from men.

Overall, these type of people can be very annoying and, from what I've seen, also acquire some power in life if they have some other skills or drive. But they rarely make it very far since they piss off too many people.

Some ideas:

• IF it's easy to avoid don't put the box down first thing, so that you don't start with a compliance
• If it would be weird not to, repeat "I'm gonna put it here", so you self-task instead of executing his task (little self-defense power move, I think it should be in PU's lesson as well)
• Rapport-breaking joke: "oh it's five, nothing was good"? You: "they were so good I decided it was best not go get addicted". Just a silly joke to avoid answering and following the lead and displaying some "convention breaking social power"
• Make a meta-comment on the behavior. For example: "spread the items here", "eheh you like telling people every little thing they were going to do anyway eh"

But all small things/ideas.
Overall, you did great.

Quote from Bel on May 20, 2023, 2:39 pm

Thank you so much, Lucio.

Your suggestions are golden and I'll try to implement them next time if this happens again.

They were two men.

I tried to find the past journal entry but couldn't.

The previous time, one year ago, it had gone basically like this:

• he had tasked me in exactly the same way, and I had complied to everything without realizing it;
• he had told me "Here, I'll do you a favor" and then handed me a leaflet of his store - and I thanked him.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 20, 2023, 4:09 pm

Tschhh, look at that, just one year, turned into a beast.

Two poor guys there must have been thinking it was Clark Kent in chill version the year before, then came back to give them a taste of superman.
They'll be gone next year in shameful self-destruction rather than meet you again 🙂

Quote from Bel on July 9, 2023, 2:16 am

I was reflecting on the dynamic that took place in this store again (as per the first post in this thread).

My original (wrong) unconscious thought on these "warm tasking moves"

I originally titled this thread "Warm tasking".

Part of the reason why I was unsure whether to address these "tasking" power moves, initially, was that they were framed as acts of kindness on the part of the store owner.

I think my original transcript of the dialogue (in the first post of this thread) was missing the gestures and attitude and tone that the store owner adopted. In other words, my post was not clear on this point.

They all framed "him telling me what to do" as an act of kindness on his part, as if he was letting me "do things in his store".

Here is a better transcript:

Owner: Ok, no worries, put the package down on the floor. (with gestures as if he was making me a favor)

Owner: No problem, spread the items out here on this table. (same as above)

Owner: Put the cell phone here on the table, no need to keep it in hand. (same as above)

So, now, I believe a more correct description of what took place would be the following:

"Favor tasking"

Where the "favor" is on the part of the tasker.

This "category" of tasking seems to be composed of two overlapping dynamics:

1. tasking

2. (fake) favor/kindness on the part of the tasker (debt creating/inflating)

1. Tasking is meant to frame the tasker (in this case, the store owner) as being higher power than the customer (in this case, me), with all consequent effects on the social dynamics.

2. Then there is the (fake) favor by the tasker, combined with the tasking, which results in the creation of a "fake debt" on the customer's side.

It's a form of "debt creating/inflating" (social scalping) composed of a combination of "providing imaginary help" and "being overly kind".

Actually, it's the combination of extreme kindness in tone and gestures that is sufficient, in itself, to frame the tasking as a "favor" on the part of the store owner:

Owner: Ok, no worries, put the package down on the floor. (subcommunication: you can use my floor, see how kind I am)

Owner: No problem, spread the items out here on this table. (subcommunication: I'm letting you use my table, see how kind I am)

Owner: Put the cell phone here on the table, no need to keep it in hand. (subcommunication: you can continue to use my table, and I'm being sooo kind to let you not tire your hand with your cellphone while you show me the barcode)

It's meant to wrap the tasking under a cover of "I am making you a favor, not ordering you around".

But make no mistake: the tasking component definitely was there, and was also very pronounced.

I remember now another significant detail: he told me to put the box containing the items I had to return on the floor. Then he told me to open the box and put the items on the table.

But: the floor zone where he told me to put the box was not near the table, and the table in any case was big enough to hold both the box and the items.

In other words, he created a situation where I deliberately had to expend effort.

Not to say that he should have just done it himself.

Effects

The covert frame (of fake kindness/favor) is fake, and insidious.

It's insidious because it's hard to recognize and defend from the tasking if the tasker frames his tasking as an act of kindness.

It's fake, because the true frame here was that I was returning items bought online, and the store owner would be paid for the return (by the online shop).

In other words, the store owner wasn't making me a favor: he was doing a service to me in exchange for money (the fact that the money would be paid by a third party is irrelevant, but no doubt amplified the cover for the tasking).

The power mover was very good at this, and also very experienced

I now note another detail: he broke the "fake favor tasking" in steps.

In other words, he didn't start with a big tasking, nor did he stop after the first tasking.

Instead, he created momentum by progressively escalating micro-tasking power moves which, in themselves, were difficult to recognize.

This way, even if someone checked his moves, he would lose little power and also have a good cover.

He was very good, and deliberate in what he was doing.

Motive

The motive behind the "loan sharking/debt creating tasking" power move was thus:

1. to make me more pliable to his frame by framing me as lower status/executing his orders;
2. to gain a fake credit against me, thus raising the possibility that I, feeling indebted, would use his other store services, or leave a positive review of his store (which I later saw many people did online).

Again on the effects

Each component amplified and compounded the effect of the other:

• the tasking made it more likely that I would feel subservient and thus "in debt", and that I would "repay the fake debt";
• the fake favor made it less likely that I would resist the tasking, and made any resistance attempts on my side easier to frame (if needed) as me "being ungrateful".

By the way: in other situations the favor can also be real, but still be mixed with the tasking.

Eg: "Please sit here".

A double punch power move that is useful to recognize not only for defending, but also possibly as an aggressive move against the really bad people:

(fake) favor-tasking them.

Side note: another way to defend

There is another way to defend against this move.

It's this:

Power mover: Put the box here, no worries.

Me: Oh, thank you! (said while smiling, with a tone of "thanks for nothing")

Granted, this move breaks more rapport, and thus it's more useful in formal hierarchies: for example, as a higher-up to defend against "fake kindness tasking" on the part of a subordinate at work.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 9, 2023, 12:15 pm

Great analysis, Bel, thank you for sharing this.

I've seen this same dynamics more often from very high-power women, especially older ones.

The frame for them is the "helpful and kind grandmother who tells you what to do for your own good".

Of course the "own good" is all to be seen and far from certain.

May deserve its own name and definition, actually.

Something like:

• Mother hen dominance, to command, task, and direct others with (potentially false) kindness as well as potentially within the frame of doing so for your own good