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We can choose what we care about: Mark Manson

#1 · December 9, 2023, 9:50 am

Quote from John Freeman on December 9, 2023, 9:50 am
Hello TPM community,
I learned this idea from Mark Manson on his YouTube channel. It was actually clearer than in his book, which I found a bit cynical at the time. However, I have changed and maybe I would have a different perspective on it now.
We can choose what we care about
It's simple but powerful.
In terms of:
Power dynamics: it is similar to ignoring. If towards a person.
Power: it is very high power. We can choose what we give our attention and energy to. We are in control.
Life efficacy: it allows us to focus on our goals.
Interpersonal dynamics: it allows us to choose what affects us emotionally. If we choose someone is not worth our mental and emotional energy, we can choose not to spend any on this person.
The beauty of it is that instead of going when hurt: "this person is bad... I'm better, etc.". We can just go consciously and willingly instead of an emotional protection reflex: "I do not care about this person".
It's a general principle. It goes back to when to react to a power move. Sometimes it's good to care even if the power dynamics is petty from the other side. So a principle to apply on a case-by-case based on the context of course.
Example:
Today I'm going to visit my 4 year old niece kindergarten for their annual party. I had to ask a few times to know the time and place even though my sister invited me. So they made me chase. I could have not gone because of that but it would have been petty. And the goal is to see my niece. She's not responsible for her mom's pettiness.
On WA:
Her: sends me the map
Her: you went last year with her if I'm not mistaken
Me: that's right but I don't know the name nor the place it's all good.
Her: (big thumbs up emoji)
Analysis
Her: sends me the map
Her: you went last year with her if I'm not mistaken
Here, one outside the situation could think that she's power protecting with the "if I'm not mistaken". It's not power protection. It's a power move. The sub-communication is: "you've been there so why do you ask me the map?". Well I'm sure that if we can all agree that if someone went once to a place in a different city a year ago and don't know the name nor the address it would be difficult to find the place again a year later.
Me: that's right but I don't know the name nor the place it's all good.
Here, I stay within her frame on purpose not to break rapport if not necessary. I agree and redirect -> tells the facts. The final "it's all good" is kind of both keeping the peace and also taking back some power through a low-intensity judge power move since she made me chase to know the place and the time.
Her: (big thumbs up emoji)
Petty power move. Makes no sense in terms of meaning. But it does in termes of power with a low investment judge power move to stay on top. My sister is a low-intensity manipulator so she has to win.
At this point I'm thinking about countering with an "very good see you later". I choose not to care and avoid a turkey spiral. So I keep my power. I act only because I want to not out of a reaction she would get out of me.

Hello TPM community,

I learned this idea from Mark Manson on his YouTube channel. It was actually clearer than in his book, which I found a bit cynical at the time. However, I have changed and maybe I would have a different perspective on it now.

We can choose what we care about

It's simple but powerful.

In terms of:

Power dynamics: it is similar to ignoring. If towards a person.
Power: it is very high power. We can choose what we give our attention and energy to. We are in control.
Life efficacy: it allows us to focus on our goals.
Interpersonal dynamics: it allows us to choose what affects us emotionally. If we choose someone is not worth our mental and emotional energy, we can choose not to spend any on this person.

The beauty of it is that instead of going when hurt: "this person is bad... I'm better, etc.". We can just go consciously and willingly instead of an emotional protection reflex: "I do not care about this person".

It's a general principle. It goes back to when to react to a power move. Sometimes it's good to care even if the power dynamics is petty from the other side. So a principle to apply on a case-by-case based on the context of course.

Example:

Today I'm going to visit my 4 year old niece kindergarten for their annual party. I had to ask a few times to know the time and place even though my sister invited me. So they made me chase. I could have not gone because of that but it would have been petty. And the goal is to see my niece. She's not responsible for her mom's pettiness.

On WA:

Her: sends me the map
Her: you went last year with her if I'm not mistaken
Me: that's right but I don't know the name nor the place it's all good.
Her: (big thumbs up emoji)

Analysis

Her: sends me the map
Her: you went last year with her if I'm not mistaken

Here, one outside the situation could think that she's power protecting with the "if I'm not mistaken". It's not power protection. It's a power move. The sub-communication is: "you've been there so why do you ask me the map?". Well I'm sure that if we can all agree that if someone went once to a place in a different city a year ago and don't know the name nor the address it would be difficult to find the place again a year later.

Me: that's right but I don't know the name nor the place it's all good.

Here, I stay within her frame on purpose not to break rapport if not necessary. I agree and redirect -> tells the facts. The final "it's all good" is kind of both keeping the peace and also taking back some power through a low-intensity judge power move since she made me chase to know the place and the time.

Her: (big thumbs up emoji)

Petty power move. Makes no sense in terms of meaning. But it does in termes of power with a low investment judge power move to stay on top. My sister is a low-intensity manipulator so she has to win.

At this point I'm thinking about countering with an "very good see you later". I choose not to care and avoid a turkey spiral. So I keep my power. I act only because I want to not out of a reaction she would get out of me.

Jack, Kavalier and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#2 · December 9, 2023, 1:05 pm

At this point I'm thinking about countering with an "very good see you later". I choose not to care and avoid a turkey spiral. So I keep my power. I act only because I want to not out of a reaction she would get out of me.

To be more clear: I did not answer anything as I let it go emotionally.

Kavalier has reacted to this post.