What could I do if I were the host in order not to lose power?
Host: Let’s go back inside and finish our business talk. (invites to go through the door first) After you
You: Yeah man, I’m freezing here, let’s go inside
This is an example from the site, but the guest seems that he needlesly makes the host lose power when the host was just doing what he had to in his role.
Hello Ambrose,
Actually, I'm curious about what makes you think that the guest "needlessly" makes the host lose power.
I mean, it COULD be the case indeed depending on the situation.
But if it's a dialogue between two equals, it's not a clear-cut attack or anything.
The guest replies that way because the host didn't power protect enough, for example saying "shall we go back inside" instead of ordering the guest around.
Just because you're a guest, doesn't mean you should be tasked and be expected to follow orders.
If you're there for business, you can't have a guy task you around because it's a terrible precedent for business and negotiation.
You set a precedent of being ordered around, they lose respect, they think they can dominate you, you lose confidence, you self-signal that they tell you what to do and you listen, etc. etc.-.
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That being said, in some cases, the guest may be out of line.
And then... What would you do if you were the host and needed to re-empower yourself (check the forum guidelines, each poster is supposed to at least try to come up with a solution, including for their own good)?
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You: Yeah man, I’m freezing here, let’s go inside
Since Ambrose obviously got busy I'll add my 2 cents.
To me this doesn't diminish the host's power - its more like a one cross because you've added on. You've given a reason why you should both go inside. So now it just sounds conversational.
If you just said 'Let's go inside' that sounds to me like a power move.
And the reason could be anything:
You: Yea man it's too busy/noisy here - let's go inside.
Nice little example of the PU principles in action. Thank You Ambrose and Lucio for sharing.
I am still here 🙂
Lucio, I haven't seen your second reply, sorry.
Transitioned, I was talking from the host's point of view. It would seem like trying to hard to add this. So, the lines are like this:
H: Follow me, please, inside my house.
G: Yeah, let's go!
H: Yeah, man, it's freezing outside.
So, doesn't seem natural, somehow, at least to me.
I don't know what I'd say, but it makes me want to be passive-aggresive, like "Of course, right after you, it's your house after all" (to the guest). But this shows I was affected by his reply.
I'd rather say "Would you rather stay outside in the cold?". Is this fine, Lucio?
Ah Ok now that you've given the whole dialogue it changes. I'll kick in a few extra options for us to work with.
TBH, personally, I wouldn't bother saying anything. Host led. Guest powered back up. Its at neutral now I wouldn't go again over such a small thing.
If you did choose to say something I'd stop arm wrestling over who's leading and bridge back by bringing 'we' into it or making it into a compliment e.g.
Totally we'll be better in there and to be honest I could murder a coffee.
OR
I've got to say its such a warm house - very homey. Have you had it long?
So basically you're expanding the conversation and closing off this tiny power struggle before it gets weird and kills the vibe.
Or you could move away from his leadership timewise - ask a question before you go in.
Hey just while we're here I did want to ask you about this crazy plant. Where did you get it?
It's funny that being able to make small talk about your surroundings is a twofer - works well in dating too.
You could also pull out your phone pretend to check and then follow him in.
I have no idea which of these is best so I hope Lucio drops by again.
Quote from Transitioned on June 3, 2023, 6:30 amTBH, personally, I wouldn't bother saying anything. Host led. Guest powered back up. Its at neutral now I wouldn't go again over such a small thing.
If you did choose to say something I'd stop arm wrestling over who's leading and bridge back by bringing 'we' into it or making it into a compliment e.g.
Totally we'll be better in there and to be honest I could murder a coffee.
Yep, agreed.
I go back to the original take that the guest didn't do anything wrong.
The best thing the host can do is to:
- Realize he himself was overly bossy
- The guest only defended himself
- The guest is power-aware and high power, so if the hosts' goal was trying to arm-wrestle him, he better change tack
- Focus on rebuilding rapport / social capital (that he depleted with his overly dominant approach)
@Ambrose
If you want to focus on a case study where the guest disempowered the host, come up with a new example (and feel free to open a new thread for that).
In this case, the host was simply overpowering the guest.
If they're equals, he can guide the guest through the premises and time schedule, but he should be doing so while showing some consideration for the guest.
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Sorry Guys was full of flu yesterday. Messed up all my posts. That's the trap - when you are sick you have time to post but really shouldn't. Lesson learnt.
Now I am specifically talking about the guests level up response here nothing to do with the host.
There's a couple of stock phrases I was trying to remember yesterday but had no brain cells.
"Why not"
And the very Aussie "I reckon"
You could do that with famous Brad Pitt smile and upwards nod.
Minimal effort, agreeing, but high warmth with high power