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What to do if boss doesn't trust me, but I still have my job?

#1 · December 8, 2021, 3:05 am

Quote from dj_ak96 on December 8, 2021, 3:05 am
How do you rebuild relationships at work after major mistakes and major rapport drop off?
Is it ever a good idea to be more vulnerable than required?
…
I have around 4 years of experience in my field with some great reviews from clients and industry people. It’s a project-oriented field.
This past spring, I started at a new company I’d wanted to be at for a while. It’s a smaller business with a good reputation that pays much better than my previous job.
My experience, hard skills, and soft skills put me on a fast track of sorts. I took on a lot of projects for my first year. I became somewhat close with my boss (the owner) to the point where she would have lunch or wine with me and get my input on some important decisions.
In the fall, I started to have some mental health issues. Now I’ve always had to do things to cope with anxiety and mood issues, and I see that pretty commonly. But some more concerning and potentially dangerous symptoms manifested. I was lacking awareness, and in some denial around it at the time, I didn’t take care of it, and it became an emergency.
I had to leave my job temporarily, and it was very bad timing for the clients. It caused a lot of stress on the business. My boss figured out that my performance as of recently was slipping, and was under the assumption that cases of this were hidden maliciously. While getting the help I needed my boss would not speak with me or answer a call, instead opting to have the H.R consultant handle it as a medical leave.
I finally got to chat with them again via Zoom recently. What I did was try to not seem unconcerned or entitled. I communicated a cooperative attitude with however they wanted me back on board and whatever their perspective is. I communicated that I failed my own standards and feel genuinely bad about it. The H.R consultant thought it went well enough. My boss grilled me with a ton of questions and was confused as to how I wasn’t aware of my performance dropping and still seemed to think I was hiding things from her. She repeated a lot of the specific things that fucked up multiple times and that was painful.
They decided I could stay if I went through training again like I was brand new. It would be a while before I’d get back into the swing of things with a pipeline of work.
…
Is there any way to build trust back with my boss? I’m having another chat this week and it might be a chance to start working toward that.
Would it be a good idea to open up a little bit more and be vulnerable about how severe what I was going through was? I think my boss might assume it was just some stress and anxiety I could have prevented with a massage and a nap.

How do you rebuild relationships at work after major mistakes and major rapport drop off?
Is it ever a good idea to be more vulnerable than required?
…

I have around 4 years of experience in my field with some great reviews from clients and industry people. It’s a project-oriented field.

This past spring, I started at a new company I’d wanted to be at for a while. It’s a smaller business with a good reputation that pays much better than my previous job.

My experience, hard skills, and soft skills put me on a fast track of sorts. I took on a lot of projects for my first year. I became somewhat close with my boss (the owner) to the point where she would have lunch or wine with me and get my input on some important decisions.

In the fall, I started to have some mental health issues. Now I’ve always had to do things to cope with anxiety and mood issues, and I see that pretty commonly. But some more concerning and potentially dangerous symptoms manifested. I was lacking awareness, and in some denial around it at the time, I didn’t take care of it, and it became an emergency.

I had to leave my job temporarily, and it was very bad timing for the clients. It caused a lot of stress on the business. My boss figured out that my performance as of recently was slipping, and was under the assumption that cases of this were hidden maliciously. While getting the help I needed my boss would not speak with me or answer a call, instead opting to have the H.R consultant handle it as a medical leave.

I finally got to chat with them again via Zoom recently. What I did was try to not seem unconcerned or entitled. I communicated a cooperative attitude with however they wanted me back on board and whatever their perspective is. I communicated that I failed my own standards and feel genuinely bad about it. The H.R consultant thought it went well enough. My boss grilled me with a ton of questions and was confused as to how I wasn’t aware of my performance dropping and still seemed to think I was hiding things from her. She repeated a lot of the specific things that fucked up multiple times and that was painful.

They decided I could stay if I went through training again like I was brand new. It would be a while before I’d get back into the swing of things with a pipeline of work.
…

Is there any way to build trust back with my boss? I’m having another chat this week and it might be a chance to start working toward that.
Would it be a good idea to open up a little bit more and be vulnerable about how severe what I was going through was? I think my boss might assume it was just some stress and anxiety I could have prevented with a massage and a nap.

#2 · December 8, 2021, 3:38 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 8, 2021, 3:38 am
Quote from dj_ak96 on December 8, 2021, 3:05 am
I communicated that I failed my own standards and feel genuinely bad about it. The H.R consultant thought it went well enough. My boss grilled me with a ton of questions and was confused as to how I wasn’t aware of my performance dropping and still seemed to think I was hiding things from her. She repeated a lot of the specific things that fucked up multiple times and that was painful.
A different approach might have been:
Own the mistake, bridge into the positive:
You: "things didn't go as I and we wanted, I'm not happy about it because I hold myself at a high standard and because I want to bring as much value to the business as I can.
The good news is that now I'm good to be back".
Skip the "failed my own standards":
I might have skipped the "failed my own standards and feel genuinely bad about it" unless you bridge it back to a positive and frame it as you want to add value and being ready to do so now.
Hide unawareness:
When your boss grilled you, it could have been a good idea to say nothing about your unawareness of your performance slipping. Just say "thanks for the update".
Generally speaking, people prefer performance slipping of people who are aware of it, rather than performance slipping from someone who's unaware (because the former can correct course).
Push hardest against hiding and sneaky behavior for quickest trust regaining (if you truly were not hiding anything):
What you had to powerfully push against was you hiding things.
That's what probably mattered the most to regain trust.
Deny powerfully, frame impose if necessary, repeat "that's not me, not what I do".
If you were hiding it, own it saying that you so much wanted to bring value that your own standards couldn't allow to admit it to yourself.
You can still probably do this.
Take a risk to regain power quickly:
When she repeated the mistakes over and over, you might have taken a risk and said "I got it. That was a fuck up, I know". If they say it one more, take the risk "I got it, once is enough".
This might have pissed off the boss, but unless it pushed him over the edge, it might have been one of those "pissing people off that ultimately results in more respect".
How to Go From Here
What are your plans and ideas?
You know the situation and environment better than us.

Quote from dj_ak96 on December 8, 2021, 3:05 am
I communicated that I failed my own standards and feel genuinely bad about it. The H.R consultant thought it went well enough. My boss grilled me with a ton of questions and was confused as to how I wasn’t aware of my performance dropping and still seemed to think I was hiding things from her. She repeated a lot of the specific things that fucked up multiple times and that was painful.

A different approach might have been:

Own the mistake, bridge into the positive:

You: "things didn't go as I and we wanted, I'm not happy about it because I hold myself at a high standard and because I want to bring as much value to the business as I can.
The good news is that now I'm good to be back".

Skip the "failed my own standards":

I might have skipped the "failed my own standards and feel genuinely bad about it" unless you bridge it back to a positive and frame it as you want to add value and being ready to do so now.

Hide unawareness:

When your boss grilled you, it could have been a good idea to say nothing about your unawareness of your performance slipping. Just say "thanks for the update".

Generally speaking, people prefer performance slipping of people who are aware of it, rather than performance slipping from someone who's unaware (because the former can correct course).

Push hardest against hiding and sneaky behavior for quickest trust regaining (if you truly were not hiding anything):

What you had to powerfully push against was you hiding things.

That's what probably mattered the most to regain trust.

Deny powerfully, frame impose if necessary, repeat "that's not me, not what I do".

If you were hiding it, own it saying that you so much wanted to bring value that your own standards couldn't allow to admit it to yourself.

You can still probably do this.

Take a risk to regain power quickly:

When she repeated the mistakes over and over, you might have taken a risk and said "I got it. That was a fuck up, I know". If they say it one more, take the risk "I got it, once is enough".

This might have pissed off the boss, but unless it pushed him over the edge, it might have been one of those "pissing people off that ultimately results in more respect".

How to Go From Here

What are your plans and ideas?

You know the situation and environment better than us.

dj_ak96 has reacted to this post.

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#3 · December 8, 2021, 4:14 am

Edit: thanks for the response!

The lack of awareness was such an emphasized point last time, that I may have to do some course correction on it. During my time away I've worked hard and gotten help to develop awareness so that this doesn't repeat, and I can quickly correct any bumps in the road down the line. I want to communicate that in some way.

The accusations of hiding was mainly about one major mistake. Even though her accusations of deception calmed a bit by the end of the convo, I think it's still a major factor in the awkwardness and lack of trust here. During our next chat, I want to bring them up to deny them with a stronger frame like you suggested.

I view the retraining as a discipline and an excuse to keep me from working longer rather than something I need. There are definitely ways my performance needs to improve, but it would fall outside of the scope of the standard newbie training. I don't want to argue against the standard retraining because I think it's a loyalty test, but maybe proposing the additional things too could show initiative and that I care about bringing value.

What do you think of those 3 things to do during our next chat?

#4 · December 8, 2021, 6:36 am

Yes, all of them are great.

Great intuition on seeing the retaining as a loyalty test -and possibly as a form of punishment-.

And the best way to approach is to show both loyalty with trust-winning skills and high-power attitude.

For example:

You: Personally, I feel ready to hit the ground running. I'm eager and motivated to add real value at the deep end, if you know what I mean. But if before that you're adamant for me to the retraining, I'll do it

If she sticks to it, which she probably will, you then say "cool, let's do it then. And please if you've anything on your plate you need help with, I'm here".

The retraining is going back to the training wheels.
You can that do, but you want to avoid the frame of who needs the training wheels frame (the baby).

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#5 · December 8, 2021, 3:54 pm

Thanks for the strategies and suggestions 🍻

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#6 · December 9, 2021, 6:08 am

Cheers DJ, rock it and let us know how it goes.

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#7 · December 10, 2021, 12:25 am

Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
Was nervous on the Zoom call, I’m decent at hiding it but it might have shown some.
Both my boss and the H.R person were there - she doesn’t trust me. I get where she’s coming from though, because she did have deal with a truly bogus lawsuit in the last year, so she might be paranoid.
Assertively saying that I didn’t mislead or hide things was met with a semi-confused demeanor. They both thought previous discussions had reached the conclusion I wasn’t hiding anything, and that I was just saying it more directly now. My boss downplayed it.
This response from them sets off some bullshit and power move detectors in my head. In a previous communication, my denials were either ignored, met with repetitive questions. The idea of hiding things was called “egregious". But as soon as I assert myself and more directly deny it, it’s, “I thought we were on the same page”. I said thanks for clearing things up for me and I wasn’t sure exactly where our last talks concluded.
Framing myself as not needing the retraining, but willing to do it wasn’t met with an immediate answer. They’ll get back eventually and I know the reasons for delay are legitimate here, lot going on. It was casually pointed out that I was flipping stances on it. In response, I reiterated that if they think it’s best, I still will.
A few times during the call, the h.r person or my boss offered sympathy that was power draining. “you’ve been through a lot…” type of stuff, despite the frame of everything I said ‘I’m good to go.’ This really shows me I’ve got a LONG way to go to reclaim power in the eyes of this job. More than I thought going into the call. I used to be a confident go-getting manager but now I’m “we understand…”. fuck.
This reminds me so much of the article on liberal sympathizing for black people being a power move. That article *totally* applies to anyone you disclose a mental health issue to as well.
I asked why things were with H.R and not 1 on 1. I said I’m not looking to be manipulative or sue anyone… shouldn’t have said it like that. However, I got some very valuable data from doing so. My boss had a “I have to do what I have to do” response. That means there is even less trust there than I thought, and the questioning of my character isn’t actually solved. My boss and I used to say vulgar things and joke about H.R while doing it. Now she’s got him there while talking to me. That contrast sums it up, no trust.
I forgot to say the olive branch statement of “if you have anything you need help with…”. Honestly not sure how it would have fit with the flow of the convo.
Going forward, when they say the retraining still needs to happen, I think having the right attitude there is my only way to win trust back. It’s gonna be a long-term thing.
So I made some mistakes… but this isn’t completely devastating is because while this is my biggest check, I’ve got a couple of sources of income. Why? Because I read lessons on power in P.U. and concluded a lot of power is about independence. So I decided to not depend on one person for money. So.. this sucks but, thanks to finding this site, it’s not devastating. Cheers!

Was nervous on the Zoom call, I’m decent at hiding it but it might have shown some.
Both my boss and the H.R person were there - she doesn’t trust me. I get where she’s coming from though, because she did have deal with a truly bogus lawsuit in the last year, so she might be paranoid.
Assertively saying that I didn’t mislead or hide things was met with a semi-confused demeanor. They both thought previous discussions had reached the conclusion I wasn’t hiding anything, and that I was just saying it more directly now. My boss downplayed it.
- This response from them sets off some bullshit and power move detectors in my head. In a previous communication, my denials were either ignored, met with repetitive questions. The idea of hiding things was called “egregious". But as soon as I assert myself and more directly deny it, it’s, “I thought we were on the same page”. I said thanks for clearing things up for me and I wasn’t sure exactly where our last talks concluded.
Framing myself as not needing the retraining, but willing to do it wasn’t met with an immediate answer. They’ll get back eventually and I know the reasons for delay are legitimate here, lot going on. It was casually pointed out that I was flipping stances on it. In response, I reiterated that if they think it’s best, I still will.
A few times during the call, the h.r person or my boss offered sympathy that was power draining. “you’ve been through a lot…” type of stuff, despite the frame of everything I said ‘I’m good to go.’ This really shows me I’ve got a LONG way to go to reclaim power in the eyes of this job. More than I thought going into the call. I used to be a confident go-getting manager but now I’m “we understand…”. fuck.
- This reminds me so much of the article on liberal sympathizing for black people being a power move. That article *totally* applies to anyone you disclose a mental health issue to as well.
I asked why things were with H.R and not 1 on 1. I said I’m not looking to be manipulative or sue anyone… shouldn’t have said it like that. However, I got some very valuable data from doing so. My boss had a “I have to do what I have to do” response. That means there is even less trust there than I thought, and the questioning of my character isn’t actually solved. My boss and I used to say vulgar things and joke about H.R while doing it. Now she’s got him there while talking to me. That contrast sums it up, no trust.
I forgot to say the olive branch statement of “if you have anything you need help with…”. Honestly not sure how it would have fit with the flow of the convo.
Going forward, when they say the retraining still needs to happen, I think having the right attitude there is my only way to win trust back. It’s gonna be a long-term thing.
So I made some mistakes… but this isn’t completely devastating is because while this is my biggest check, I’ve got a couple of sources of income. Why? Because I read lessons on power in P.U. and concluded a lot of power is about independence. So I decided to not depend on one person for money. So.. this sucks but, thanks to finding this site, it’s not devastating. Cheers!

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#8 · December 10, 2021, 2:19 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 10, 2021, 2:19 am
Sounds like you've done a good job DJ.
Some feedback on it for learning's sake:
Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
Framing myself as not needing the retraining, but willing to do it wasn’t met with an immediate answer. They’ll get back eventually and I know the reasons for delay are legitimate here, lot going on. It was casually pointed out that I was flipping stances on it. In response, I reiterated that if they think it’s best, I still will.
It sure seems like they like playing power moves.
In this case, I'd reframe "it's not flipping stances, it's thinking things over (to reach the best solutions)".
It's really a bad frame to tell someone "you're flipping stances" and quite manipulative.
There is no value, no honor, and nothing good or rational in keeping one's original stance if one finds out there is now a better approach.
Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
A few times during the call, the h.r person or my boss offered sympathy that was power draining. “you’ve been through a lot…” type of stuff, despite the frame of everything I said ‘I’m good to go.’ This really shows me I’ve got a LONG way to go to reclaim power in the eyes of this job.
Actually, I think that was good.
It provides a good rationale for the drop in performance.
I'd have thread-expanded on that: "thank you. Yes indeed, I've been through a lot and I appreciate you saying that. The good news is that now I'm back".
Basically, you want to let them know it was a serious thing -only a serious thing can stop you, not some minor stuff-, and then re-bridge on you now being good.
Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
I asked why things were with H.R and not 1 on 1. I said I’m not looking to be manipulative or sue anyone… shouldn’t have said it like that. However, I got some very valuable data from doing so. My boss had a “I have to do what I have to do” response. That means there is even less trust there than I thought, and the questioning of my character isn’t actually solved. My boss and I used to say vulgar things and joke about H.R while doing it. Now she’s got him there while talking to me. That contrast sums it up, no trust.
Yep, you said it, not even mention those loaded words.
When she says "I do what I gotta do", you just say "I totally understand, it's all good". That power-aligns with her decision and shows you're on the same page -and that you'd have done the same in her shoes-.
Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
So I made some mistakes… but this isn’t completely devastating is because while this is my biggest check, I’ve got a couple of sources of income. Why? Because I read lessons on power in P.U. and concluded a lot of power is about independence. So I decided to not depend on one person for money. So.. this sucks but, thanks to finding this site, it’s not devastating. Cheers!
Rock on!
Plus, there is always the option of a new job.
In the meanwhile, this is a great learning experience.

Sounds like you've done a good job DJ.

Some feedback on it for learning's sake:

Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
Framing myself as not needing the retraining, but willing to do it wasn’t met with an immediate answer. They’ll get back eventually and I know the reasons for delay are legitimate here, lot going on. It was casually pointed out that I was flipping stances on it. In response, I reiterated that if they think it’s best, I still will.

It sure seems like they like playing power moves.

In this case, I'd reframe "it's not flipping stances, it's thinking things over (to reach the best solutions)".

It's really a bad frame to tell someone "you're flipping stances" and quite manipulative.
There is no value, no honor, and nothing good or rational in keeping one's original stance if one finds out there is now a better approach.

Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
A few times during the call, the h.r person or my boss offered sympathy that was power draining. “you’ve been through a lot…” type of stuff, despite the frame of everything I said ‘I’m good to go.’ This really shows me I’ve got a LONG way to go to reclaim power in the eyes of this job.

Actually, I think that was good.

It provides a good rationale for the drop in performance.

I'd have thread-expanded on that: "thank you. Yes indeed, I've been through a lot and I appreciate you saying that. The good news is that now I'm back".

Basically, you want to let them know it was a serious thing -only a serious thing can stop you, not some minor stuff-, and then re-bridge on you now being good.

Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
I asked why things were with H.R and not 1 on 1. I said I’m not looking to be manipulative or sue anyone… shouldn’t have said it like that. However, I got some very valuable data from doing so. My boss had a “I have to do what I have to do” response. That means there is even less trust there than I thought, and the questioning of my character isn’t actually solved. My boss and I used to say vulgar things and joke about H.R while doing it. Now she’s got him there while talking to me. That contrast sums it up, no trust.

Yep, you said it, not even mention those loaded words.

When she says "I do what I gotta do", you just say "I totally understand, it's all good". That power-aligns with her decision and shows you're on the same page -and that you'd have done the same in her shoes-.

Quote from dj_ak96 on December 10, 2021, 12:25 am
So I made some mistakes… but this isn’t completely devastating is because while this is my biggest check, I’ve got a couple of sources of income. Why? Because I read lessons on power in P.U. and concluded a lot of power is about independence. So I decided to not depend on one person for money. So.. this sucks but, thanks to finding this site, it’s not devastating. Cheers!

Rock on!

Plus, there is always the option of a new job.

In the meanwhile, this is a great learning experience.

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