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What to do when someone forces second handshake?

#1 · March 26, 2023, 7:47 pm

I actually had this situation two times, here's one of the situations:

( School, we are sitting before computers, it's Computer Science lessons, a guy just came from behind us to greet us, I sit on the left of the classmate next to me and the guy put his hand on his left side )
Me: ( Handshakes him but the guy gives no feedback, showing that he gave this hand to the classmate )
Classmate: ( Because it was on his left, he had to turn around and give him his right hand, and it's not like there was a wall on his right )
The Guy: ( Offers me a handshake )
Me: We already greeted ( with back turned to him )
The Guy: Are you for real?
Me: ( Slowly turned showing indifference and shaking his hand )

And I wonder if I made a right decision, I didn't want to refuse him because I was truthfully afraid of looking unfriendly but I also didn't want to look too responsive.
He is a dominant person and it may have made me look submissive, but it's only a handshake after all.

Should one still stand one's ground or accept it to not disempower another person too much?
Perhaps one could still not refuse while empowering yourself, for example turning slowly shaking strongly and saying "Happy now?"

#2 · March 27, 2023, 11:24 am

This is fun. I enjoy these micro power move. I m a long long after college but I will have a go.

I learnt the nod up from PU. Might fit here.

Maybe say sup? Wazup? With a nod up and earning the eyebrows for warmth. Smile -if you choose. Or whatever wording works for you. Instead of the Handshake.

My thinking is more natural if he is on left

And you are making least effort so preserving your power.

if already happened. Dismiss him with one word. 'Meh' withe most bored voice you can manage and a slight shrug of the shoulders.

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#3 · March 27, 2023, 3:29 pm

TYPO stupid auto correct. Should read.

"With a nod up and raising the eyebrows for warmth."

#4 · March 27, 2023, 7:20 pm

Quote from Transitioned on March 27, 2023, 11:24 am

Maybe say sup? Wazup? With a nod up and earning the eyebrows for warmth. Smile -if you choose. Or whatever wording works for you. Instead of the Handshake.

Some ( the guy I talked about included ) will pressure you, they won't let you choose another option, so I doubt you could make it go away without being direct.

#5 · March 28, 2023, 5:32 am

OK so what do you think you should do?

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#6 · March 28, 2023, 7:59 pm

Quote from DGX37 on March 28, 2023, 7:59 pm

Quote from Transitioned on March 28, 2023, 5:32 am

OK so what do you think you should do?

Thanks for reminding me, I did badly criticizing and not even giving value back, so, I see two options, either refuse him or submit to him.

Let's look at submitting first...
It has an obvious advantage of making conflict disappear, and no conflict is good right? Well, no, if it makes you look like it's easy to pressure you to do what one wants. But this situation is so weird... There's not much at stake, only a handshake, if you fight for something like that, won't it make you seem like an asshole?
But why would that make me look like asshole? Because he asks for a simple thing, a show of respect, and I would deny... but I already gave it to him, so what does he want from me?

To do it on his terms. That would make sense, and it's not like it's the first time. Maybe it would be still better to not escalate, but it's not like his is giving me some value, there's no exchange in this relationship, there's nothing. And even if one wants win-win, the other person still has to respect you to make it work.
So actually I give up power because I submit, and for literally nothing in exchange, that's example of someone who can be taken from without consequnces, not someone people respect.

But maybe the risks are too high, I could even get bullied in the worst case, so let's look at refusing. Let's say I refuse, stand my ground and say, "no, there's no need to greet second time", what possibly could he do? Probably he would say something like "Fuck you then" while saying I'm an idiot while going away. Now crucially one cannot act reactive, getting frustered, even when you feel your heart beating loudly, but you cannot let it be, he would then just talk to others and tell them his version of the story, while you hope it will die off. It will show that you don't know what is your place, that you really are an asshole, then they will come in group and dominate you.
So when you stand up, you need to keep standing until the very end.
That's why when he starts to insult you, you need to say stuff like " No need to get so angry at a handshake ", if he goes angry, you need to resist calmly, it will give you the advantage, as long as you won't surrender, then this is your word against his, it's equal, maybe even an advantage to you. And finally the situation would calm down, with you even if not winning, being seen as someone who will defend himself no matter what.

Probably less skilled power takers won't try to attack you ever after, while the more skilled will join in the attack with higher status person, and I may lose, but I will gain experience, and maybe in situation more important than this one, I would be able to use this experience and get what I wouldn't be able to get.

Quote from Transitioned on March 28, 2023, 5:32 am

OK so what do you think you should do?

Thanks for reminding me, I did badly criticizing and not even giving value back, so, I see two options, either refuse him or submit to him.

Let's look at submitting first...
It has an obvious advantage of making conflict disappear, and no conflict is good right? Well, no, if it makes you look like it's easy to pressure you to do what one wants. But this situation is so weird... There's not much at stake, only a handshake, if you fight for something like that, won't it make you seem like an asshole?
But why would that make me look like asshole? Because he asks for a simple thing, a show of respect, and I would deny... but I already gave it to him, so what does he want from me?

To do it on his terms. That would make sense, and it's not like it's the first time. Maybe it would be still better to not escalate, but it's not like his is giving me some value, there's no exchange in this relationship, there's nothing. And even if one wants win-win, the other person still has to respect you to make it work.
So actually I give up power because I submit, and for literally nothing in exchange, that's example of someone who can be taken from without consequnces, not someone people respect.

But maybe the risks are too high, I could even get bullied in the worst case, so let's look at refusing. Let's say I refuse, stand my ground and say, "no, there's no need to greet second time", what possibly could he do? Probably he would say something like "Fuck you then" while saying I'm an idiot while going away. Now crucially one cannot act reactive, getting frustered, even when you feel your heart beating loudly, but you cannot let it be, he would then just talk to others and tell them his version of the story, while you hope it will die off. It will show that you don't know what is your place, that you really are an asshole, then they will come in group and dominate you.
So when you stand up, you need to keep standing until the very end.
That's why when he starts to insult you, you need to say stuff like " No need to get so angry at a handshake ", if he goes angry, you need to resist calmly, it will give you the advantage, as long as you won't surrender, then this is your word against his, it's equal, maybe even an advantage to you. And finally the situation would calm down, with you even if not winning, being seen as someone who will defend himself no matter what.

Probably less skilled power takers won't try to attack you ever after, while the more skilled will join in the attack with higher status person, and I may lose, but I will gain experience, and maybe in situation more important than this one, I would be able to use this experience and get what I wouldn't be able to get.

#7 · March 29, 2023, 2:21 pm

I didn't really understand your description.

So this guy forced a second Handshake?

Which is odd. So easy to call that oddness out if you want to jab a little.

"Hello AGAIN"

"2 handshakes you trying to sell me something "

"Wow you re like the Handshake king"

TBH I would have let that go by. No skin off yours if he likes shaking. Like you said no loss of power for you.

I didn't get the "Are you for real?" comment which was off. What did you do or not do that he didn't like? Did you refuse his 2nd Handshake at that point?

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#8 · March 29, 2023, 6:08 pm

Quote from Transitioned on March 29, 2023, 2:21 pm

I didn't get the "Are you for real?" comment which was off. What did you do or not do that he didn't like? Did you refuse his 2nd Handshake at that point?

To put it simply, he wanted another handshake and I showed resistance to it, the story went just like in my first post:

Quote from DGX37 on March 26, 2023, 7:47 pm

Me: ( Slowly turned showing indifference and shaking his hand )

It's my spin so it may not be how it really played out, but that's how I remember it.

On the other hand about this:

Quote from Transitioned on March 29, 2023, 2:21 pm

"Hello AGAIN"

"2 handshakes you trying to sell me something "

"Wow you re like the Handshake king"

This looks like a good way to still show resistance while not giving the situation much momentum, very nice.

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#9 · March 29, 2023, 9:35 pm

Yea if you went with my first suggestion he s now trapped himself.

You ve done a friendly greeting.

He s pushed the Handshake thing again making the sitch a bit weird.

Now you can look a litle perplexed and call out the weirdness IF YOU WANT TO.

And you can add some warmth with body language to deescalate, smile, up eyebrow flash, tiny touch on the arm, slight shrug of the shoulders

And I guess your play depends on how generally annoying this guy is being.

If he is a general back slapping, Fist bumping, Legend in his own lunchbox kind of guy maybe you just let it slide.

If he s doing it just with you then slap down to show you have boundaries.

Another option is just take the hand but look up and away in disapproval.

You don't want to waste energy on this small crap if avoidableyou will see in PU Lucio often just neutralises with body language.

The general principle is for onlookers you wanna look like a happy social guy But with boundaries.

Are you at college or high school? TBH In my day it was pretty red of tooth and claw in other words a lot of these things ended in a punch up. I m assuming that s not socially acceptable now thankfully.

If there is any physical threat be smart deescalate. Too risky fronting some psycho kid.

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#10 · March 30, 2023, 5:27 pm

Quote from Transitioned on March 29, 2023, 9:35 pm

Are you at college or high school? TBH In my day it was pretty red of tooth and claw in other words a lot of these things ended in a punch up. I m assuming that s not socially acceptable now thankfully.

High school, and no, thankfully not.

I see now, you avoid conflict if there is a lot to lose and not much to win ( not letting someone handshake you second time is ambiguous win at best and it threatens you to look like an asshole ), so you just deescalate but with self-respect.
In situations when there is more to win ( it's an obvious situation like someone stealing something from you ), you can escalate because your right is far more visible and you get a lot more respect to win from this conflict.
You don't need winning every time, that's too taxing and unfriendly, you need to win when in matters and if something is happening constantly and it was neither of those things.

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