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When a friend/group member overreacts aggressively
It is link-worthy. It is a value-bomb. When I read it I went: "Wow!"
Thanks a lot!
Thank you, and thank you for the feedback, John.
Added it to PU now as an example of "failing to properly handle the bad apple and step up to the leadership".
That was super great! For sure would know how to deal with this now, knowing this makes you more confident in this sort of situation. Even if it ever doesn't go there, you know what to do in this scenario, one of "worst case", which I think is a great confidence booster.
Thanks a lot!
I can only repeat what I wrote on another thread about what comes to mind when I read your posts Lucio (and this in particular):
"Damn, that's so right! It would have taken me 10 years to reach that on my own!".
Thank you for the feedback / kind words Bel & SP.
You can see the dynamics here as an extension of the basic belief of self-empowerment:
I am worthy of proper and respectful treatment, and nobody has the right to treat me poorly
Then you extend that to the whole team:
This team is worthy of proper and respectful communication, and nobody has the right to act in an incivil manner towards the group, or any single individual in this group
That's a strong, value-adding and eagle-type leader mindset.
How exactly you go about applying that mindset then varies with the different situations and then we go down to the techniques.
But as long as the mindset is in the proper place, even the most basic execution of that frame of mind is fine.
For example, in this case, the most basic way of going from "frame of mind" to "social frame" would be to simply keep on repeating "hey man, it's not cool to act that way" until he'd backtracked, apologized, or started behaving properly.
Anger As First Step to Leadership Mindset
We talked sometimes here about the value of anger for self-empowerment and for starting to stand up for oneself.
Well, that same principle applies to leadership -and to similar situations on handling bad apples-.
It's fair, and sometimes even good for a leader (or someone with leadership potential), to first internally react in anger.
For example, in this situation, to think:
How dare you pull that shit in my team, nobody pulls that shit in MY team.
You think you can come in here and sidetrack our goals and spoil this great team with your childish tantrums? Not on MY watch, mothafucker
That's the initial reaction, of course.
Then you want to temper it in the way you channel it.
But it can be a good first approach to start acquiring a leadership mindset and attitude of responsibility towards the team and goals.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 12, 2022, 1:19 pmThank you for the feedback / kind words Bel & SP.
You can see the dynamics here as an extension of the basic belief of self-empowerment:
I am worthy of proper and respectful treatment, and nobody has the right to treat me poorly
Then you extend that to the whole team:
This team is worthy of proper and respectful communication, and nobody has the right to act in an incivil manner towards the group, or any single individual in this group
That's a strong, value-adding and eagle-type leader mindset.
How exactly you go about applying that mindset then varies with the different situations and then we go down to the techniques.
But as long as the mindset is in the proper place, even the most basic execution of that frame of mind is fine.For example, in this case, the most basic way of going from "frame of mind" to "social frame" would be to simply keep on repeating "hey man, it's not cool to act that way" until he'd backtracked, apologized, or started behaving properly.
Anger As First Step to Leadership Mindset
We talked sometimes here about the value of anger for self-empowerment and for starting to stand up for oneself.
Well, that same principle applies to leadership -and to similar situations on handling bad apples-.
It's fair, and sometimes even good for a leader (or someone with leadership potential), to first internally react in anger.
For example, in this situation, to think:
How dare you pull that shit in my team, nobody pulls that shit in MY team.
You think you can come in here and sidetrack our goals and spoil this great team with your childish tantrums? Not on MY watch, mothafuckerThat's the initial reaction, of course.
Then you want to temper it in the way you channel it.
But it can be a good first approach to start acquiring a leadership mindset and attitude of responsibility towards the team and goals.
Awesome, this cleared it more! The beliefs are great to internalize, and I hadn't thought of adding it to a group level, I will definitely be using that. The "internal anger" mindset also clicked.
I would have last question relating to this topic - as these guys were friends, you think they could go on and settle it? Or, in general, is this sort of impulsivity automatically out of your close circle?
I'm thinking more generally, but for example in this case, it seems the other person hasn't really apologized for it and thinks it was ok to throw stuff around, actually even blaming my friend for his "verbal aggressivity" (mainly telling to calm down/maybe few barbs (from both)there and there) as a worse behavior than his.
Personally, I would distance myself from a person who throws things around. I would interpret it as an implicit threat of physical violence, and certainly a form of psychological abuse.
But it also depends on the prior relationship one has with the person. It is one thing to have known a person for 10 years, and see him or her do this once, and an entirely different thing to have known someone for 2 days and then see him do so.
It's best to keep away as a general rule from someone who damages things out of impulse, threatens or acts with aggression first, has a habit of giving ultimatums in everything.
As far as the situation between Socialpower's friend and mug-thrower is considered if you were a team member, best to watch out over both.
1) The mug thrower because of his aggression.
2) Socialpower's friend because based on his response where he tried to domineer his way as a leader with his response. ("...... This meeting is done).
I have highlighted how his response was a one-up to the entire group in my previous post on this thread .
Quote from SocialPower on April 12, 2022, 4:10 pmAwesome, this cleared it more! The beliefs are great to internalize, and I hadn't thought of adding it to a group level, I will definitely be using that. The "internal anger" mindset also clicked.I would have last question relating to this topic - as these guys were friends, you think they could go on and settle it? Or, in general, is this sort of impulsivity automatically out of your close circle?
I'm thinking more generally, but for example in this case, it seems the other person hasn't really apologized for it and thinks it was ok to throw stuff around, actually even blaming my friend for his "verbal aggressivity" (mainly telling to calm down/maybe few barbs (from both)there and there) as a worse behavior than his.
That same mindset can be applied across all socialization -and life-:
- It's my girl, don't disrespect her in front of me
- It's my friend, don't undermine him behind his back when I'm here
And to go even higher:
- It's our species, stop with the BS talk of how bad humans are
- It's our nature, our world, stop disrespecting it by throwing your trash in the street
Of course, this only applies to unfair or harmful behavior.
If one is bringing up a fair concern or criticism, or if he's taking no value, then that mindset is unduly defensive, parochial, and over-reactive.
But if you're close to someone and you think they're great people, then the mindset of "nobody has the right to treat me unfairly" also extends to them.
Growfast had a great note: allowing mug-thrower to sidetrack and end the meeting was lack of leadership, but it was also disempowering to the others.
Finally, I don't have any strong opinion on what will happen between the two going forward since I don't have enough information about them outside of this one-off episode.
I came upon a video that illustrates the whole debate getting emotional thing.
Here the girl Torshaa was on one side and all the others were on the other side.
She did start the debate with a power move though but as time passed the whole debate got to point where they were talking through each other and it was an emotional mess.
Everyone was going supposedly "meta" and throwing insults.
The whole debate was a "meta debate"
