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When Men Behave Badly The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault by David Buss, PhD

#1 · December 2, 2021, 2:30 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on December 2, 2021, 2:30 pm
I read David Buss new book released this year 2021 a while ago but found the content challenging to understand.
This was why I didn't want to share until I read the book a second time to understand the concepts better.
When Men Behave Badly The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault
That being said, I read the section Intersexual Power Dynamics in Seduction University
4. Female Power of Networks: Enter, The “Friend Zone”
5. The 4 Roles of Men
and found one concept relevant to share.
David Buss mentions a role played by men called the backup mate in his new book.
(women can play this role too.)
There was one interesting or rather unfortunate case where the wife cheated on the husband.
The wife was planning a separation/divorce to go for the affair partner.
Since the relationship was pretty much over, the husband started to see another woman.
Upon revealing this, the wife got very angry with the husband.
David Buss talked about the concept of the backup mate.
Women have a primary mate and backup mates in case the relationship with the primary mate doesn't work out.
From Chapter 1, “The Levers of Power: What Determines Who Wins?”
The Fourth Lever of Power, Mating Choice
Our research discovered that most women cultivate backup mates, ranging in number from one to five, who function as “mate insurance.”
From Chapter 3, “Struggles Within Mateships”
Not only do people in committed relationships have backup mates; even people who seem quite happy with their relationships actively cultivate them.
Backup mates, in short, provide a bounty of benefits. People actively cultivate them, sometimes consciously, but often subconsciously. They usually conceal them from their regular mates. These backup mates create couple conflict if discovered. Both sexes experience depression and psychological angst if a backup forms a serious romantic attachment with someone else. The idea that even happily commited couples form backups "just in case" may put a large dent in our fantasies of the purity of love and romantic visions of lifelong romantic harmony.
In the above incident, the affair partner became the primary mate.
And the husband became the backup mate.
Both men and women get negative emotions about losing backup mates.
When the husband found a romantic partner in anticipation of a divorce, the wife became angry because she lost her backup mate.
Another interesting paragraph on why women cultivate opposite-sex friendships:
The mate-switching hypothesis explains an array of findings that otherwise remain mysterious. It explains why people cultivate backup mates and why desired qualities in opposite-sex friends closely mirror the desired qualities in a long-term mate. It explains why women become dissatisfied with their existing relationships when there are available alternatives in the mating pool who surpass their regular partners in mate value. It provides a cogent explanation for why women are willing to risk so much to have affairs, an enduring evolutionary puzzle because women gain no direct benefits in the currency of reproductive success. It comes as no surprise that some women are especially likely to take these risks—women who score high on the Dark Triad traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.
Recognizing that humans have evolved a psychology dedicated to mate switching undoubtedly will be disturbing to many. It might be disconcerting to a man to realize that his wife is carrying a mate-insurance policy, harbors sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has “just a friend” who is more his rival than he realizes. It might be depressing to know that you are more replaceable than you knew. It could be disturbing when it dawns on you that your partner’s unhappiness might not be transient and instead portends a hidden plan for exiting the relationship.
I have yet to understand the whole book well but wanted to share the concept of backup mate that I recalled.

I read David Buss new book released this year 2021 a while ago but found the content challenging to understand.
This was why I didn't want to share until I read the book a second time to understand the concepts better.
When Men Behave Badly The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault

That being said, I read the section Intersexual Power Dynamics in Seduction University
4. Female Power of Networks: Enter, The “Friend Zone”
5. The 4 Roles of Men
and found one concept relevant to share.

David Buss mentions a role played by men called the backup mate in his new book.
(women can play this role too.)

There was one interesting or rather unfortunate case where the wife cheated on the husband.
The wife was planning a separation/divorce to go for the affair partner.

Since the relationship was pretty much over, the husband started to see another woman.
Upon revealing this, the wife got very angry with the husband.

David Buss talked about the concept of the backup mate.
Women have a primary mate and backup mates in case the relationship with the primary mate doesn't work out.

From Chapter 1, “The Levers of Power: What Determines Who Wins?”
The Fourth Lever of Power, Mating Choice
Our research discovered that most women cultivate backup mates, ranging in number from one to five, who function as “mate insurance.”
From Chapter 3, “Struggles Within Mateships”
Not only do people in committed relationships have backup mates; even people who seem quite happy with their relationships actively cultivate them.
Backup mates, in short, provide a bounty of benefits. People actively cultivate them, sometimes consciously, but often subconsciously. They usually conceal them from their regular mates. These backup mates create couple conflict if discovered. Both sexes experience depression and psychological angst if a backup forms a serious romantic attachment with someone else. The idea that even happily commited couples form backups "just in case" may put a large dent in our fantasies of the purity of love and romantic visions of lifelong romantic harmony.

In the above incident, the affair partner became the primary mate.
And the husband became the backup mate.

Both men and women get negative emotions about losing backup mates.
When the husband found a romantic partner in anticipation of a divorce, the wife became angry because she lost her backup mate.

Another interesting paragraph on why women cultivate opposite-sex friendships:

The mate-switching hypothesis explains an array of findings that otherwise remain mysterious. It explains why people cultivate backup mates and why desired qualities in opposite-sex friends closely mirror the desired qualities in a long-term mate. It explains why women become dissatisfied with their existing relationships when there are available alternatives in the mating pool who surpass their regular partners in mate value. It provides a cogent explanation for why women are willing to risk so much to have affairs, an enduring evolutionary puzzle because women gain no direct benefits in the currency of reproductive success. It comes as no surprise that some women are especially likely to take these risks—women who score high on the Dark Triad traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.
Recognizing that humans have evolved a psychology dedicated to mate switching undoubtedly will be disturbing to many. It might be disconcerting to a man to realize that his wife is carrying a mate-insurance policy, harbors sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has “just a friend” who is more his rival than he realizes. It might be depressing to know that you are more replaceable than you knew. It could be disturbing when it dawns on you that your partner’s unhappiness might not be transient and instead portends a hidden plan for exiting the relationship.

I have yet to understand the whole book well but wanted to share the concept of backup mate that I recalled.