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When she says "What do you have in mind"

#1 · August 8, 2020, 3:14 am

Quote from Social_Strategist#1 on August 8, 2020, 3:14 am
Perhaps because I live in one of the gold digger capitals of the world, I get this a lot:
I make plans with a woman and then AFTER THE PLANS HAVE ALREADY BEEN MADE, she says "What did you have in mind."
Trust me, in my world this is not an innocent question casually tossed off out of curiosity. She is seeing if it's a good enough offer and/or comparing it to the other offers she has for that day.
If the offer isn't good enough for her, she will cancel the date. If she's sort of nice, she will make up an excuse about a family issue a day or three later. If she's not so nice, she will just say she doesn't want to do that. And you're out.
When I can get that question, I'm immediately in a hole with seemingly no way to dig my way out:
If I say let's go for a walk in the park and then get a cup of coffee at Starbucks she will say -- or think -- that I am a broke loser and find an excuse to cancel ASAP.
If I come up with a lavishly expensive plan that she likes, I am a weak man who lets women take advantage of me even if she has sex with me.
If I "fire back" at her or cancel the date, then I am a crank who completely over reacted to what at some level can at least be "spun" as a fair and reasonable question.
The closest thing I can think of to a "power move" response is saying something like: "Don't worry about that darling. I've got this. I will lead the way for us."
Three problems with this:
First: If she's the kind of woman who is asking that question, she wants a specific answer to her question. So that won't fly. If she was the kind of woman who would be satisfied with that response, she wouldn't ask that question to begin with. She would just show up, be happy to see me, and not care that much about what we do. The woman asking the question is more like an employee who isn't go to show up and do a job if the answer to "How much does this job pay?" is "I'll tell you later."
Second: Between the "me too" movement and Covid Social Distancing (both of which are fully embraced where I live), if you say something like "Listen little lady, I'm the man here. Your job is to show up. And when you show up you get more information . . ." that ain't gonna fly. I grant that my wording of the example in this paragraph is a bit extreme, but no matter how artfully you phrase that concept, you are still walking through a minefield.
Three: One way or another, she's going to find out what you have planned eventually. If you postpone "the reveal" under the pretext of it being some sort of secret special surprise, then you'd better be providing a secret special surprise, not "Netflix and Chill."
Is there any way to turn the tables on this woman? In other words, is there any way to get this woman to go out on a date and like you without selling your soul?
I've had some success injecting humor by saying something like: "I was going to take you to dinner at McDonald's and let you supersize it . . ." It gets an lol. But then I'm still in the hole with no dignified way out. A little joke doesn't fix the problem.
What's the best Power Move here?

Perhaps because I live in one of the gold digger capitals of the world, I get this a lot:

I make plans with a woman and then AFTER THE PLANS HAVE ALREADY BEEN MADE, she says "What did you have in mind."

Trust me, in my world this is not an innocent question casually tossed off out of curiosity. She is seeing if it's a good enough offer and/or comparing it to the other offers she has for that day.

If the offer isn't good enough for her, she will cancel the date. If she's sort of nice, she will make up an excuse about a family issue a day or three later. If she's not so nice, she will just say she doesn't want to do that. And you're out.

When I can get that question, I'm immediately in a hole with seemingly no way to dig my way out:

If I say let's go for a walk in the park and then get a cup of coffee at Starbucks she will say -- or think -- that I am a broke loser and find an excuse to cancel ASAP.

If I come up with a lavishly expensive plan that she likes, I am a weak man who lets women take advantage of me even if she has sex with me.

If I "fire back" at her or cancel the date, then I am a crank who completely over reacted to what at some level can at least be "spun" as a fair and reasonable question.

The closest thing I can think of to a "power move" response is saying something like: "Don't worry about that darling. I've got this. I will lead the way for us."

Three problems with this:

First: If she's the kind of woman who is asking that question, she wants a specific answer to her question. So that won't fly. If she was the kind of woman who would be satisfied with that response, she wouldn't ask that question to begin with. She would just show up, be happy to see me, and not care that much about what we do. The woman asking the question is more like an employee who isn't go to show up and do a job if the answer to "How much does this job pay?" is "I'll tell you later."

Second: Between the "me too" movement and Covid Social Distancing (both of which are fully embraced where I live), if you say something like "Listen little lady, I'm the man here. Your job is to show up. And when you show up you get more information . . ." that ain't gonna fly. I grant that my wording of the example in this paragraph is a bit extreme, but no matter how artfully you phrase that concept, you are still walking through a minefield.

Three: One way or another, she's going to find out what you have planned eventually. If you postpone "the reveal" under the pretext of it being some sort of secret special surprise, then you'd better be providing a secret special surprise, not "Netflix and Chill."

Is there any way to turn the tables on this woman? In other words, is there any way to get this woman to go out on a date and like you without selling your soul?

I've had some success injecting humor by saying something like: "I was going to take you to dinner at McDonald's and let you supersize it . . ." It gets an lol. But then I'm still in the hole with no dignified way out. A little joke doesn't fix the problem.

What's the best Power Move here?

Trader007 has reacted to this post.

#2 · August 8, 2020, 6:07 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 8, 2020, 6:07 am
Hello Ed,
Interesting situation.
Gold-digging and the role of money in dating strategies
First off, consider that you might be giving off "wealthy" vibes, which in turn attract a certain type of woman and/or encourages also more average gold-digging women to move slightly more towards their gold-digging side.
Note that there is nothing inherently wrong with it.
Dating with money in the mix can be a good strategy to get higher quality women, but one must be careful with it and make sure that the money does not crowd out your other qualities but instead complement them and add to the mix (see, just as an example, the situation I describe in the money power move in this article where money complemented and empowered the already existing chemistry).
Answering "what did you have in mind"
Let's start with general mindsets first.
1. Throw it back on them
Here is a different perspective for you:
Could it be you are putting too much pressure on yourself on answering that question?
If someone fields you a weird question and you jump through their hoops to answer it "well", the power is all on their side.
Instead, how about this: if they make a weird question, you draw attention to their weirdness.
For example:
Ed: ?
(What do you mean) we've just made plans
The first question mark draws attention to the weirdness of the question, while the second part throws the ball back at them.
Let them explain what exactly they mean, don't infer meaning for them. They need to communicate more clearly.
And this is also a good rule of thumb for socialization in general: don't try to answer to something you're not sure of. It's too much effort, and it's also too easy to fall into traps, too.
If they wanna gold-dig, good, but let them be forthcoming about it. Let them put their cards on the table.
If not, good, but let them clarify that, too.
2. The collaborative answer (VS the "alpha male" answer)
When I get asked that question, is usually because we have made no plans yet except "let's meet there".
In these cases, some guys recommend to tell her exactly what you will do, or to say something along the lines of what you proposed, like "I got this baby, you just follow me".
Personally, I'm never been a fan of that style.
It always felt like overcompensating. And it adds little value, really. If you're the kind of person they want to be lead by, playing the alpha via text only makes you look a bit too controlling (some women will dig that, but more women won't, and for good reasons).
As a rule of thumb, value-adding leadership with buy-in (pull) always beats controlling leadership (push).
So, in that case, I'd for something like this:
You (short version): I know many great places to choose from around there, we'll see what we feel like on the day
Or:
You (long version): There are a few great options. Maybe we'll do A, or maybe B. We'll decide together on the day
Basically, instead of saying "your job is just to show up and I lead, you follow", these answer set up that value-adding, "collaborative leadership" I was describing.
It's more like, "I got this, but you will also chip in" (ie.: "we decide together under my leadership").
P.S.: If you wanna copy-paste some exact text exchanges, I'd be curious to take a look

Hello Ed,

Interesting situation.

Gold-digging and the role of money in dating strategies

First off, consider that you might be giving off "wealthy" vibes, which in turn attract a certain type of woman and/or encourages also more average gold-digging women to move slightly more towards their gold-digging side.

Note that there is nothing inherently wrong with it.
Dating with money in the mix can be a good strategy to get higher quality women, but one must be careful with it and make sure that the money does not crowd out your other qualities but instead complement them and add to the mix (see, just as an example, the situation I describe in the money power move in this article where money complemented and empowered the already existing chemistry).

Answering "what did you have in mind"

Let's start with general mindsets first.

1. Throw it back on them

Here is a different perspective for you:

Could it be you are putting too much pressure on yourself on answering that question?

If someone fields you a weird question and you jump through their hoops to answer it "well", the power is all on their side.
Instead, how about this: if they make a weird question, you draw attention to their weirdness.

For example:

Ed: ?
(What do you mean) we've just made plans

The first question mark draws attention to the weirdness of the question, while the second part throws the ball back at them.

Let them explain what exactly they mean, don't infer meaning for them. They need to communicate more clearly.
And this is also a good rule of thumb for socialization in general: don't try to answer to something you're not sure of. It's too much effort, and it's also too easy to fall into traps, too.

If they wanna gold-dig, good, but let them be forthcoming about it. Let them put their cards on the table.
If not, good, but let them clarify that, too.

2. The collaborative answer (VS the "alpha male" answer)

When I get asked that question, is usually because we have made no plans yet except "let's meet there".

In these cases, some guys recommend to tell her exactly what you will do, or to say something along the lines of what you proposed, like "I got this baby, you just follow me".

Personally, I'm never been a fan of that style.
It always felt like overcompensating. And it adds little value, really. If you're the kind of person they want to be lead by, playing the alpha via text only makes you look a bit too controlling (some women will dig that, but more women won't, and for good reasons).

As a rule of thumb, value-adding leadership with buy-in (pull) always beats controlling leadership (push).

So, in that case, I'd for something like this:

You (short version): I know many great places to choose from around there, we'll see what we feel like on the day

Or:

You (long version): There are a few great options. Maybe we'll do A, or maybe B. We'll decide together on the day

Basically, instead of saying "your job is just to show up and I lead, you follow", these answer set up that value-adding, "collaborative leadership" I was describing.
It's more like, "I got this, but you will also chip in" (ie.: "we decide together under my leadership").

P.S.: If you wanna copy-paste some exact text exchanges, I'd be curious to take a look

Trader007 has reacted to this post.

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