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When women nudge you to tip: it's an "invest & provide" power game
Women like to see their dates being pro-social because it means that they are more likely to invest in them as well.
And sometimes they will try to force his pro-sociality.
How do they do it?
Imagine you’re at a restaurant, and it goes like this:
Waiter: (brings the change back)
Him: (takes the money and leaves the coins in the trail)
She: Shouldn't you leave a tip?
It's always easy tipping more with someone else's money, isn't it? :)
That can be seen as the first test for "spending compliance", such as: can I lead and direct his spending habits, so that I can get him to spend on me?
Generally, you want the answer to that question to be "no".
But of course, you need to be strategic about it.
Forcing Pro-Social Donation: An Example
Once I was with a woman, paying for a ticket entry to a temple.
I already didn’t like the idea that one has to pay to visit a temple, which should be about inclusion and not money.
And right beside the counter, there was a container for donations, too.
Well, here comes her power move.
She took it, moved it closer to me and said “donations”, as if to tell me “do make a donation now”.
What are the power dynamics here?
- She is taking a leadership role to drive your behavior
If you do as she says, you relinquish leadership and become a follower.
That is also a mild form of tasking.
- She is indirectly taking a judge position by judging what is "good" to do and what one "should not do"
If you accept, you buy into her frame of reference and admit that she is right and that, yes, she is the moral authority and that one should always make donations.
You might not want that.
Plus, of course, if I do, I look more of a provider and less of a lover.
That might be OK depending on the strategy you're going for, but it's never good if she is forcing you into that role. You always want to pick your actions and strategies, not be forced into them.
What Should You Do?
This "invest in him" type of power move puts you in a bind.
Refuse to, and you might look like a cheapo.
Agree, and you follow her lead and dance on her tune.
Here is how to handle it:
- If you agree, do it, then tell her never to tell you again what to do or not do
In the tip example, you could leave one bill and say as as soon the water takes off:
You: You're right, in this case.
(look at her in the eyes, with a serious expression).
But don't ever again tell me what I should or should not do. I don't like that.
(pause for a second. Stern, but not angry)
Got it?
You must deliver this sternly, but without anger.
You want to communicate "I'm an emotionally balanced person and don't get angry over little stuff, but I do have boundaries that you must respect them".
95% of the time she will nod and go submissive. After that, it's crucial that you immediately go back to neutral to show that you're unfazed about this whole thing.
- If you disagree, ignore what she says, provide a rationale later, and tell her never to do it again
If you disagree, ignore her move.
You don't want to start an argument with people around.
Than later explain why you didn't -ie.: the service was not that good, or that you don't believe in tips, whatever-. This serves to avoid the "cheapo" label which is bad for seduction (and you don't want to be a cheapo in general).
And then, tell her to please never tell you again what you should, or should not do.
If you're already having sex with her, you can even add to "not to tell you what to do with your money". If you're not having sex yet, avoid it.
This is great thank you for sharing.
It happened to me once and I left more tip like a bitch lol. don't you think it makes you sound bitter to tell her never to tell you again what to do?
Not if you do it with enough emotional detachment.
You want to be serious, but not overreactive.
Think a bit like The Godfather, when he tells the senator not to badmouth his family.
Or when he tells Fredo not to take sides against the family:
In any case, it's a "risk" you must run.
Think about the chain of events:
- You are paying
- She is not grateful about it, doesn't even say "thanks"
- Instead, she tasks you, telling you what to do
- Not a neutral tasking, but she tells you what to do with your own money
- She heaps social pressure on you, making you come across like a cheapo in front of the waiter (you might not care, but still that's not the behavior you want to see)
Man, from a power dynamics point of view, that's very aggressive.
You can't let that shit fly.
Thank you!
