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Who is Judging Who? "I'm happy that you ..."
I spent quite a bit of time reflecting on the other thread.
Could it be English?
I'm still confused about who is taking the judge role when someone says
I'm happy that you ...
Maybe we could use concrete statements for analysis:
A Friend Says He's Happy That His Friend Paid Attention to Him
I'm happy that you paid attention to me.
Let's say "you" refers to Sam.
And "I" and "me" refers to Peter.
In this case, Peter is giving Sam the judge role.
Because Sam has the power to make Peter happy by paying attention to him.
A Boss is Happy for the Delivery of a Project
I'm happy that you delivered on this project.
If a boss says this to a subordinate, then the dynamics are different.
Now the boss is being the judge.
The boss is saying that he will be happy when the subordinate delivers results.
So the subordinate may feel a positive judge role in this example.
My Thoughts on this Example
It all depends on what comes after the "I'm happy that you ...".
If the action that comes after is within the latter's control, the latter has the judge power.
However, if like in the boss case, the subordinate is expected to perform the action.
As such, the boss has the judge power in this case.
I think it's a matter of context and analysing the whole situation.
Getting the English right is probably important as well.
Here is my honest thought: to understand what is going on, you need to take some perspective.
I think you will better understand why it bothering you so much by asking you: "why is it bothering me so much?". "What is my interpretation of the situation?".
For me, "I'm happy that you..." means that I'm expressing my pleasure. Like when you asked me what am I sad about: you did not say that I was trying to control you or whatever. I was expressing my emotions, that is self-disclosure.
I say it all the times to my friends, patients, etc. The people I love. I'm happy for their success and happiness and I want them to know it. I want them to know that I love them and I'm on their side. I don't say it because "I'm the judge". I'm expressing my emotions. This is assertiveness. I express myself and let them deal with this new information. I'm being honest with my emotions.
That is an aspect of emotional intelligence: expressing emotions.
"I'm happy to see you" does not mean: "I'm the judge of this interaction and of you and you better please me", it means: "Seeing you makes me happy" or "I like seeing you" or "Seeing you brings me pleasure".
I think you will better understand why it bothering you so much by asking you: "why is it bothering me so much?". "What is my interpretation of the situation?".
It is bothering me in the sense that I don't really understand the dynamics.
So I wanted to write down a few possible sentences and share my thoughts on the dynamics to understand whether I am interpreting them correctly.
Thanks a lot for helping me and coming out the time & effort.
I have learnt a lot from your feedback.
Expressing Emotions From the First-Person Vs Second-Person
For me, "I'm happy that you..." means that I'm expressing my pleasure. Like when you asked me what am I sad about: you did not say that I was trying to control you or whatever. I was expressing my emotions, that is self-disclosure.
I would like to share my thoughts.
Your statement was phrased from the first-person perspective.
I'm sad because the way I gave you feed-back was not optimal.
As such, I felt that it was assertive.
I would reply in the first person as well.
It could be my English that stands in the way of interpreting your feedback.
Thanks John! I do appreciate your time & effort to convey this over.
For expressing happiness, I feel that there can be an analogous portrayal of the difference between first-person and second-person
John: I'm happy to see you. = I'm happy that I get to see you. (First Person)
Another Person: I'm happy that you turned up. (Second Person)
I feel that a friend would say the former.
While a boss would say the latter.
I say it all the times to my friends, patients, etc. The people I love. I'm happy for their success and happiness and I want them to know it. I want them to know that I love them and I'm on their side. I don't say it because "I'm the judge". I'm expressing my emotions. This is assertiveness. I express myself and let them deal with this new information. I'm being honest with my emotions.
I'm on the same page here as well.
I like to express my happiness for seeing my friend succeed with these statements.
Here is the statement that I would say and the statement that I would not say:
What I Would Say: I am happy for your success! = I am happy that I get to witness your success!
What I Would Not Say: I am happy that you became successful.
I also like to express my happiness for their efforts coming to fruition
Me: That was a lot of dedication man. I am happy that I get to see all your efforts come to fruition.
My Thoughts
I'm not sure in this case whether I'm overthinking the wording.
It could be the case that most people don't really care so much about the exact wordings.
And they have good intentions to express their emotions.
Only, when it comes to manipulative individuals, then it would be wise to be more sceptical of their intentions.
Otherwise, in 90% of the cases, the intentions are good, and the person wants to express their positive emotions.
In your previous message it was not so clear to me. Now it’s clearer.
Making distinction between first and second person: yes. In the second case it’s an expression of an approval. And it is a judge frame. However: “I’m happy that you guys came to the party” expresses appreciation not approval in my opinion. So it’s not 100%.
From that previous thread, the differences between:
I'm glad that you have been following my work.
= you are a follower of mine, and me saying "I'm glad" is a figure of speech, so I probably don't really care and don't derive personal pleasure from that.
"Following my work" also implies is a high status man producing and publishing high-quality quality work that other people follow.
I was happy living with the illusion you were paying attention to my joining
= you are not a follower of mine, but I was illuding myself you were, and if you paid attention to me, that made me happy.
There is no hint that he is a high-status man. As a matter of fact, he comes across low-ish status.
Thanks for explaining this in such detail.
Now I really understand the meaning behind these 2 sentences.
I have to discern the meaning behind the text further.
I need to think in terms of how the person saying the statement frames his status.
Framing someone to follow your work suggests high status.
Framing someone that makes you happy because he paid you attention suggests that you are attention-seeking, hence lower status.
John and Lucio, huge thanks for explaining this to me.
Yeah, I later realized that the self-frame in terms of power was a key aspect that we (I) hadn't described in that previous thread.
One frames himself above you, the other frames himself below you (or, even more accurate: pushes you above him).
Crucial difference.
