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"You talk too much": insecurity vs feed-back vs judge

Hello guys,

as I said on this forum, I have an insecurity around talking too much. I'm highly extroverted. I've taken twice the Myers-Briggs test a few years ago at a few months of distance. I got twice around 90% extrovert. So it's how my mind is built, I'm a highly social person and love to talk and laugh.

A few months ago, I had a conflict with a friend who owns a bar, bar owner N. He used a (babying) nickname with me that I didn't like. It was a friendly nickname, though. I put boundaries with him badly: I was too firm and inflexible. I should have add more warmth, humor and lightness when telling him I don't like this nickname. During the conflict, he was pissed off and also said that I "talk too much" in conversations and that's why he's not joining conversations anymore when I'm part of it. I respected his opinion but it hurt me and we were not as close for a few weeks. I was not as aware of power dynamics as I am now, though.

Last night, I invited him for the first time at my place for a board game (remember: I'm building my social life). A bluffing/social deduction game like Coup. You can do whatever you want in the game as long as you follow the rules. I love to talk nonsense and comment on what people are doing. That's how I get my fun: by sharing my observations with a twist and by talking shit. Having fun, basically. Also, I was drunk and so were they.

Another friend's girlfriend J. present at the evening said: "he talks too much". And bar owner N. agreed.

So I think there is a cultural thing going on: both are locals and in the local culture: you are humble, obedient and patient. Very protestant culture. However, I also do think that bar owner N. talks a lot. But I would never consider telling him that he "talks too much".

So for me, this is a judge frame.

I don't know what to do with it since I do have this insecurity. I've been judged and rejected for that in the past. For me, listening is something that I had to learn.

However, it is a feed-back. So I'm a bit confused what to do with this and I would like to have your opinion on this matter, guys.

I think what I should have done is to ask them why they're saying that.

What do you think?

ZenDancer and selffriend have reacted to this post.

Hmm, not easy to advise not having been there.

I think there are two elements here to take into account:

  1. Validity of feedback: whether true or not, whether it harms your social life or not, and whether to act upon it or not
  2. Power dynamics / strategies


Yeah, that probably was delivered from a judge role.
More in J's case that in the bar owner case, since in the bar owner case it was more as a sort of "hitting back" during the argument.


In my opinion, it wasn't a good time to ask for their opinion, since there was an audience.
Plus, drunk you might not have been best equipped to handle it at your (emotional) best, and continue to be socially effective.

Better instead to ask her, or him, or both, later on, on 1:1.


I can't say from here whether one could gain from talking less or not.

But I do think that's very much contextual and depending on the people around you as well.
When most people talk little or nothing, the bit talker saves the night.

But when the big talker never gives the stage to anyone else, then he's acting egoist, and that also harms his ability to bond, connect, socialize, and make friends/allies.

I'd take the feedback seriously, but not necessarily as 100% valid.
When people are talkers themselves, it's possible that they don't like other talkers because that removes "air time" from them.

Matthew Whitewood, John Freeman and 4 other users have reacted to this post.
Matthew WhitewoodJohn FreemanTransitionedZenDancerselffriendBryan Johnson
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Hey John,

In my opinion, that comment may not be pointing to the actual act of talking too much but rather a way of getting back at you for offending them. Since you mentioned about talking nonsense and shit during the game. Do you think that some of the comments and jokes you made were too polar and ended up offending them in subtle ways?

I would not think that someone would simply write you a label of "talked too much" unless it is either what Lucio has described, did not gave them enough room to speak or offended by your remarks. In general, people want to feel good about themselves in social interaction, when such things are robbed away from them, rebellion can manifest in many subtle social cues such as this.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Hey John

It's actually a great ability and all us introverts are jealous

Sound like the first time was just a bit of hit back.

From what you re describing at your games night as Lucio noted maybe you overdid it.  It might be your commentary style ofh humour  A few funny comments are great.  I can see how having a voiceover for the night might be annoying.

Because your so mentally quick maybe other slower people wanted to make their own comments and couldn't find a gap.  It might seem to them like your the comedian in the spotlight and they re there to give you straight lines to play off.

As Bryan said sometimes if your always going for the joke you can overreach and make unfunny or borderline offensive remarks.

Easy experiment to try.

Much love




Lucio Buffalmano and selffriend have reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmanoselffriend