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A friend says "I could beat you physically"
Yesterday we played a board game.
At some point a friend said "jokingly": "I don't know if I can beat you (in the game) but I could beat you physically". Also when I made reference to my tactic at Blitzkried he said "What a reference!". So basically social climbing. I do have some responsibility as I did name Hitler so I self-framed myself negatively.
I thought about it today and thought it was out of line of him to say "I could beat you physically".
He's someone I see with the group but never seen 1-on-1 despite knowing him for 2 years for the reason of social climbing in the past. Someone I could not get close to. He's also been good friends with nasty social climber A.
I'm thinking about sending him a text along those lines:
"Hello X, when you said "I could beat you physically" I think it was quite out of line. I would like you to abstain of such remarks in the future.
However I know I've been thin-skinned in the past so I don't want to over-react and at the same time I felt attacked (like a threat and it's definitely a power move). I know I will learn from this anyway.
I'm happy to read if you think I should answer or not. Or just take it as intel and move on. I did feel hurt by his remark.
Reply straight from my mind:
Him: I don't know if I can beat you (in the game) but I could beat you physically
Me: Good that civilization keeps you in place, then.
Framing him as a caveman who prefers to use force instead of smarts. You don't want to have relationship with him so there's no reason to power protect.
Feel free to give feedback.
I personally would not send the text now.
The dynamic would come out a bit like the Sex and the City episode where Charlotte calls Miranda the day after to address some passive aggressive comments, ie like a sign of weakness.
But I think you could branch into self-defense the next time you interact with the guy in person:
You: Hey! Here is the guy who "Will beat the shit out of us in a physical fight!". Nice to see you haven't died in a street fight... yet.
EDIT: The line here above also uses quite a bit of "manipulative ganging up" as well (painting him as against the group).
I think here a good answer could have been the self-defense stock comment for insults masked as jokes:
Him: I don't know if I can beat you (in the game) but I could beat you physically.
You: You're a funny guy. (optional if you want to twist the knife in the wound:) But you're still losing.
Yeah, definitely not a cool move from him -and from what you says seems a good call not wanting to get closer-.
I agree intervening would have been good -it was definitely a power move-.
Many of the many techniques would have worked.
Personally, depending on the situation and my power/confidence in it, I may have gone with a stronger/dominant one-up back, such as:
Him: don't know if I can beat you (in the game) but I could beat you physically"
You: physically like what, the masturbation contest? (<--- the intonation is not full question, but in-between question and statement)
Such as, you demean the contest in which he wins to one where the prize for winning is a sucker's prize.
Thank you very much guys!
Very helpful for me indeed and I’ll use this frame/refer back to it like you suggested « I hope you won’t get physical you know it’s just a game right?” Kind of frame.
I also agree with a late answer in order to set boundaries seems weak as I’ve also done the mistake here. In these cases where we did not have an answer right away it’s better to take the punch, think about it (with your help here) and come back stronger the next time face-to-face.
Thank you very much Lucio!
Indeed changing the frame from winning to winning a stupid contest is powerful.
These 2 changing of frames:
1. He’s a savage
2. He’s right he’ll be winning but a stupid prize
are powerful reframes, thank you very much!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 1, 2023, 8:11 pmPersonally, depending on the situation and my power/confidence in it, I may have gone with a stronger/dominant one-up back, such as:
Him: don't know if I can beat you (in the game) but I could beat you physically"
You: physically like what, the masturbation contest? (<--- the intonation is not full question, but in-between question and statement)
This is just so awesome, it's going into my stock responses for any demeaning power moves containing the word "physical"!
Yeah, it's funny as hell on top of it!
It might be too long see what you think guys. For fun you could say:
Oh no I need a bodyguard now.
Then look at the smallest girl in the group and say:
'Hey Stacey can you protect me. I can't pay much but its only a small job'
Quote from Transitioned on June 3, 2023, 6:06 amIt might be too long see what you think guys. For fun you could say:
Oh no I need a bodyguard now.
Then look at the smallest girl in the group and say:
'Hey Stacey can you protect me. I can't pay much but its only a small job'
This is interesting, and I have seen it happen often.
To me all responses that involve a third party who was not present to the original interaction (with "present" meaning "already included by the power mover in the dialogue") have an undertone of "pawning" the third party.
In other words, I suspect such a response might unconsciously antagonize Stacey. You would be, after all, suggesting she is "unable to protect/defend herself".
