Quote from John Freeman on July 19, 2023, 8:36 pm

Hello,

last week-end I organized for my friend JB a birthday over the week-end with another friend: day 1 hiking, then overnight camping, day 2 floating on inflatable boats on a river. We actually organized it together as he knew about a cool camping grounds, lent us boats and tents. We get along together, he's from France but he's more of a leftist than me.

I already organized a dinner with all of our other friends at the restaurant the previous week (they could not be there this week-end) and offered him the meal of course. I also went to another dinner with his housemates where I was invited. They had the idea for the gift but I was the one to buy it and put the money (and after that I had to ask people but even though I had to chase them a bit, everyone paid me). It's been now 3 years that I organize birthdays and gifts for him. That is to say that to me he's a good friend and I treat him as such.

Last year we did the same river descent as I wrote here.

"Are you soon here?"

The power moves started as soon as I arrived. We had an appointment at 9:00 at his place. At 9:01 am I receive a message: "Are you soon here?". I actually arrived at 9:02 am.

It's a power move because it starts the frame of him organizing it. In the WA group he wanted to lead from the start as the river descent is kind of "his thing". It's not but he made it that way as he was the first of us to go there.

Also it's a power move because in our Swiss context, punctuality is a norm and a value. Him and my French friends have always a thing to prove around this as they are known to be late. So him and another French friend stress that they are on time, somehow to say that they can be "better than the Swiss" or "as good as the Swiss". They left France for Switzerland so it also implies that Switzerland is somehow "better". So there is like a need to prove they can be "as good" as the locals and French people have also more negative stereotypes than the Swiss. So him implying that I'm late after 1 min shows that he wants to stress that I'm late and he's not. I don't make remarks 95% of the time when my friends are late. As long as it's not 30 min late when I'm preparing a meal, I don't care.

I said: "9:02 is not late" and held my frame. But feeling I had to defend against such a small thing left me feeling it was unfair as a remark from a friend I did not call out many times for being late. Next time I'll just arrive on time.

Coffee

We were drinking a coffee and he said: here people are "drinking coffee with cream and sugar" implying that to drink it black or in France it's somehow better. It's a little thing but I feel like him not being able to succeed here professionally despite him loving the mountains, hiking and general lifestyle makes him a little bit bitter.

The 2nd World war

We were in the car driving. I said: "It's really fascinating the destiny of this small country in the center of Europe". My intention was to open a conversation about the good things that we can find here as I made peace with my country. He said: "Thanks to the 2nd World War hahahaha". This was a bit painful as it was implying a lot of negative things about Swiss people and I took it a bit personally. I did not reply anything. Also I felt it was not fair since France has also bad things in his History. Also he's benefiting from Switzerland being how it is so I feel it's hypocrytical.

Next time I will say: "Yeah bad things happened during 2nd World War everywhere but many other things contributed to Switzerland like it is today". Acknowledging that Switzerland's prosperity is partly due to WWII but also to the hard work and determination of its people.

Using firestones/coal instead of wood

I had the responsibility of the fire: to bring all the stuff. At some point he asked me: "you don't have coal?". I grew up making fire with deadwood from the forest so we never use coal and it works just fine. I said that we never did that. I said to my third friend as he was buying some: "if my friends would know" as it is a tradition where I come from to make firewoods/BBQ in nature. He said: "well don't tell them". It's true that I tried to shame them unconsciously and it was not straight behaviour. He also told me: "It's his birthday let him do it like he wants to". So I let it go since they were not interested in doing it my way. So I changed my attitude and asked JB later on why he was using the coal: "to make the fire last longer so we can cook". Actually we did not need the fire longer after we cooked so we did not actually need the coal. Since fire was my responsibility I also felt this was a power move and frame imposing. They were framing me as the "guy who does not know what he's talking about" whereas I feel like making a fire is a skill I master and is part of our identity where I come from. At least that's how I feel.

Next time: I will propose we do it without the coal because to me bringing coal to the forest is non-sense. But this is how they do it so either I let them do it their way or I find other people.

NB: what is sad is that when we did the dinner, JB actually did not want to invite this third friend to the dinner (was a previous housemate, I think there was maybe a money issue I'm not sure). So my friend is defending him whereas he does not know this and I do.

This is how to build a tent

I did camping many times and I know how to use a tent. But still he was giving me instructions like I never did it. So I said "it's not the first time I do it" but he did not listen. So it framed me as being clueless whereas it was not the case. Another power move. He told me not to buy a tent since he had one and I thought "why not?" but in the end he social climbed on me so next time I'll buy a tent to not depend on him.

Judging my tastes in women: virtue signaling

As we were on the river we talked about women. They know I have a goal to have a blonde GF/wife. They said that for them I was too "stuck" about it. He social climbed and virtue-signaled by saying that for him he's only looking for a pretty girl. I asked him what he preferred (he prefers the latina type) and said he like the Salma Hayek type but still would not admit that he has a "type". So it's hypocritical and frames him as open-minded and me as "close-minded". I was not aware it was a frame confrontation I thought it was a friendly discussion. I surfaced it as I tried to understand: "to you because looking for a blonde woman is close-minded?" he said "yes". This was bad because I thread-expanded on me being "close-minded" (a frame that just appeared out of nowhere).

Also, I justified by saying that I had to "brainwash myself" with that goal in order to reach it. That it was out of my comfort zone. Also when I said that "previously I did not believe I deserved beautiful women" they were kind of suprised as in "Oh you did not?" as if I was a dumbass. I also told them that another friend of mine actually supported me in that goal as it was "what I wanted and we must purse what we want". So I felt they were not being good friends there in judging me for this goal/desire.

Next time: I understand I talked too much about it. Like in my journal when I talk about the same issues over and over again. It irritates people as they've heard it many times and it sounds like complaining and repetitive. I'm not going to share about this goal of mine with them anymore. I'm going to talk about this only with the close friends and talk less about it.

Reframe: 3 captains

As we were going down the river on the boats, our third friend said: "Hey Captain JB". So I reframed right away: "we are 3 captains". I was actually happy I did this as this was not an empowering frame for both of us.

"Humans are cancer"

We were talking with an open heart around the fire. He said that to him "humans are like cancer". I asked our third friend and he agreed. For me it was quite a shock as I did not know they had such a negative view on humans (that is on themselves as well). So I felt like we were not so kindred spirit. I have a positive view on people despite all the negative things we have in us and we do.

On women's bodies

We arrived with the boat and there's a pool down there. There was a woman in thong and I told him that it's a different perspective than mine to imagine that I'm going to go to the pool and "show my ass cheeks". My intention was to talk about how women's relationship to their bodies and the difference I have with mine specifically (not trying to generalize it to other men). That is that there is probably a desire to attract attention and/or to tan.

I wanted to talk about how for women it's important to be physically attractive to the point that wearing a thong makes sense. I don't have a strong opinion on it and that's why I wanted to have this conversation: to explore the topic. Maybe I'm off and I want to learn. I asked him what he thought and he said that women's bodies is sexualized while men bodies aren't. That's definitely a possibility. What threw me off is that it was again framed as women being victims whereas I see this as different preferences (priorities in what is attractive to each sex). I did not comment more as he seemed very sure of him and not really interested in juggling ideas around this topic. So frame imposing here.

Women are not cute

This comes from another time but I remember it now. I said that "women are cute" I find the way they move. He said: "women are not cute". I found later on is that he got hurt by a GF who cheated on him whereas they were both unhappy and he dropped the ball on the relationship. So instead of owning it he blamed her. I told him that when some women are unhappy in a relationship they will cheat in order to passively aggressively end it. He seemed receptive to this idea.

They do not change the "climbing holds" often enough

On Monday, we went rock-climbing with our third friend. As he failed he said: "They do not change the "climbing holds" often enough" implying that he slipped because they do not change them often enough. But our third friend did this climb and another friend did.

In Summary

To me he's using several techniques

• Jester power moves: joking as a way to assert social dominance
• Frame imposing: we do it my way
• Virtue-signaling: I'm more open-minded than you

I do think he has an inferiority complex that he's fighting and it comes out as power moves/social climbing to have a sense of self-esteem.

I think I was more power aware than last year (reframing 3 captains instead of 1) and even though I did not check every power move I was able to better see them. The thing is that when I'm with my friends I tend to let my guard down and I'm sometimes caught off guard.

For me these moments are often a bit painful as in Friendship I make myself vulnerable. Friendship is a very important value for me and I try to be the best friend I can be knowing I have flaws of course. For me one must be able to open up to friends without feeling that one must be careful with sharing. Alright, lesson learned. I've probably been too naive on this.

Also I feel like I did many things for my friend for his birthday and instead of feeling grateful he played power moves on me. I feel a bit disappointed and sad.

So this friendship is full of lesson for me as I learn a lot from him but he's not going to be a close friend as I thought he could be.

I'm happy to know if you have any thoughts on this.