Abundance mentality: Do men need lots of sexual partners to reach it?
Abundance mentality is the mindset and feeling that there is "plenty" of anything you want out there.
When it comes to women, abundance mentality is the mindset and feeling that there is plenty of women whom you find attractive and that you could be dating.
The consequence is that you feel more confident, less afraid of losing anyone and, generally, more content and happy about yourself.
A common belief is that, to reach an abundance mentality, you first need to have had enough sex, with enough attractive women.
But personally, I'm not so sure there is such a strong link between quantity and abundance mentality.
This story is an example.
Abundance mentality without scads of random sex
Some days ago I was talking to a guy who has now become a good friend.
This friend of mine is against hitting on women with a boyfriend.
His rationale, as he explained it:
B.: from the moment we have been talking here 8 women you would find attractive have walked by. 4 of them are single, and 2 of them would probably be glad to see you again
What wowed me most of all was the way he said it.
Spoken as a man supremely confident in the opportunities around him, and like a man who has no need to put any specific woman above anything else in his life.
B. doesn't have a high lay count by most standards. Yet, he also speaks -and behaves- like a guy with one of the most entrenched abundance mentalities I've ever met.
It's also worth noticing that B. is more of a relationship type of guy.
I believe the link between numbers and abundance mentality is tenuous since most guys are chasing women for personal validation -validation players-.
And there is no amount of women who can ever fill the validation hole, because validation is a permanent need that needs refills.
No matter what came before, it's only the next girl that matters.
If the next girl validates them, they're good. And they reach abundance mentality... For a few hours only. Or only until they see another woman they like. Then, the chase begins again.
And every single woman who doesn't like them, has the power to make them feel unworthy.
I agree with you Lucio, there may be a correlation between sexual success and abundance mentality (but the direction of causality is not clear).
maybe in some cases for some individuals sexual succes may be necessary to develop and abundance mindset.
I have a problem with the word abundance because most economic goods by definition are scarce, I would preffer to call it: "sufficient mentality" , but well, abundance sounds cooler, and it is actually a psycologic state more than an affirmation about the world.
yet for most people there may be other ways to get there directly and the pursue of promiscuity may be even counterproductive.
very interesting what you said about validation needing constant refill. I will ponder on that.
Yes, I agree with you. There is probably some correlation between number of partners and "enough mentality" -how does that sound? :)-, but it's not a linear thing, and in some cases it's actually counterproductive.
On that validation refill, yeah, it's definitely a thing for some.
It can push some people to achieve some great things, but often without ever achieving personal gratification and happiness -and of course, some never even achieve much, but still live under the yoke of that "validation need"-.
When it comes to game/women/seduction, some men aren't even seeking the validation of sex, but the validation of good reactions or "getting contacts".
This is why I didn't have the highest regard for the PUA crowd. There were quite some people in those circles running up and down the streets seeking the validation of a phone number.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 28, 2020, 8:17 am
"On that validation refill, yeah, it's definitely a thing for some.
It can push some people to achieve some great things, but often without ever achieving personal gratification and happiness -and of course, some never even achieve much, but still live under the yoke of that "validation need"-.When it comes to game/women/seduction, some men aren't even seeking the validation of sex, but the validation of good reactions or "getting contacts".
This is why I didn't have the highest regard for the PUA crowd. There were quite some people in those circles running up and down the streets seeking the validation of a phone number."
I think this is so common, it might be considered a phase in PUA, it certainly was for me:
Overcoming the approach-anxiety
After you overcame your approach-anxiety the first few times and realize the amount of opportunities you somewhat already had all the time, you feel truly empowered.
An abundence of opportunities to approach attractive girls everywhere, and yet 99,7% of guys aren’t doing anything - what could be more exciting.
Little do you know that quick numbers (especially without significant skills) are close to nothing, and your ego isn’t particularly excited to realize that either. This somewhat fuels your general escalation-anxiety.
Because you can ramp up literally hundreds of approaches in a few weeks, you get more accustomed to it – and better at it as well.
But of course being good at approaching girls is not the same as being good at escalating to sex at all, especially if you are inexperienced in that aspect, and even more so if you are inexperienced but appeared to be a rock-solid-confident guy at approach-time that now has to live up to that (and simply can’t).
And it doesn’t help that it isn’t particular easy to train that specific aspect as well in the beginning.
Unconscious fighting
A very difficult situation to be in, you uncounsciously don’t really want to escalate out of fear to destroy your fantasies/delusions of empowerment and opportunity, and aren’t good at escalation, and also don’t really want to get reminded of that, so you somewhat have further reason to not do it.
But not escalating will obviously throw you out fast, especially if it totally conflicts with the image the girl had of you.
And because of the inexperience your chances are indeed somewhat slim in the beginning and you get thrown out, which then further increases the escalation anxiety, because of these memorable failures.
So at the beginning, -anxious- escalation and slow/no escalation both throw you out (though the former not necessarily) - a very hard situation.
And these are very painfull rejections, because they didn’t happen right at the beginning, but after you opened up and exposed yourself – which makes them a lot more personal.
Especially if you aren't really aware of every aspect of this dynamic yourself.
And they happen after you feel very excited and empowered, the drop height is quite brutal.
The short term solution
The short term solution to these failures is ramping up numbers and fantasizing about it, without being too aware of it all. You might as well delude yourself into thinking you now have high standards and reject many of them, that aren’t totally, completely safe to go further (and these types aren’t too common as well for most).
But in reality it might be deluded self-rejection out of fear.
And with collecting numbers you can also brag about your new abilities to open-minded friends (the close-minded will shame you and be totally envious, as you are surely aware).
Because most people think getting a number from a random, attractive girl in a few minutes is some type of superpower, you look like a hero, when the reality isn’t particular close to that appearance, especially without some serious skills.
Though with these skills, there really is an abundance of opportunities, but the (quickest) way to them is very hard and painfull for most guys (non-models), and full of rejections and many will simply remain stuck in the number-collection-phase, at least for quite some time.
Quote from Anon on August 28, 2020, 10:30 pm(....)
Quote from Anon on August 28, 2020, 10:30 pmI think this is so common, it might be considered a phase in PUA, it certainly was for me:
Little do you know that quick numbers (especially without significant skills) are close to nothing, and your ego isn’t particularly excited to realize that either. This somewhat fuels your general escalation-anxiety.
Great observation.
Indeed, it might be considered a phase for many -most?-.
And some never make it past it, still seeking the validation of the number -ie.: "I've been accepted as good enough"- instead of the final goal.
The second "validation phase" could be the validation I was initially mentioning, the validation from sex/lay as the main validation of one's life and persona -ie.: "I've gotten sex with X ladies and from this last lady, hence I'm good"-.
A bit of that validation is natural, and I don't think one should necessarily "fight it".
If you can put it in perspective, and avoid feeling depressed when you don't get it, then feel free to enjoy that high.
It's when the validation becomes one's life goal and the main driver of one's general self-esteem that it detracts from the overall individual's quality.
People who chase number and sexual validation all their life usually struggle to reach higher stations in societies -and, we might argue, in life-.