Alejom's journey to power & social success

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 5, 2023, 1:37 pm

Yes, +1 to both Jack and Transitioned:

Great power awareness (and fast growing skills, too), and a very, how to say it... Not the most pleasant lady for a long-term thing :).

This one here:

Quote from Alejom on May 4, 2023, 10:00 am

She: Oh, I didn't thought you'd perceive it that way, might be a culture difference. Sure, thanks for telling me.

With that response, she's subtly avoiding her responsability (it's you who were overreactive, I didn't do anything wrong) which might make you double think if you are actually wrong.

Yes, you said: avoiding owning it and responsibility.

Not the worst possible sign ever, but also far from positive.

After that I'd say that I like clear and honest communication, and if after 2 or 3 times one can't develop to match your expectation and keep manipulating and gaslighting, then I'd make my own plans without ever talking straight to her again (ie.: "this lady is for short term only", "I'm gonnna do the most while traveling and then never contact her again", "I'll keep in touch in case it may be useful", etc. etc.)

Quote from Alejom on May 5, 2023, 4:44 pm

Very cool to see the topic brought discussion and entertainment.

@Transitioned - You said it perfect. A never ending dissatisfaction route I've seen a few to take.

@Jack @lucio - Thanks! I see progress on identifying and categorizing power moves, understanding the underlying principles and strategies. Mostly because how practical and well structured PU is, and the action we take analysing our daily cases on this forum 😉 Won't lie, still long way to go to be able to not only identify, but respond and act the best way, and the mindset and behaviours needed to internalize. We're on it!

@lucio - I actually attempted to set that "Honest frame" on the 3rd day as I was already exhausted. It didn't solve the thing, but at least improved it a bit for the rest of the journey. Frankly, I could've been a bit more solid when "not accepting this behaviour" and be more willing to walk away. Good to know for next time.

Thanks everyone for such great responses

 

Quote from Alejom on May 7, 2023, 11:32 am

Leading conversations and holding attention effortless

As I'm learning about power on PU, I realize I can identify more and more other people power moves.

I'm back for a few days in my homeland, Spain. I'm staying at my best friend's and we're spending nice time together and with other friends.

On these interactions, I'm struggling with 2 points.

1. Dealing with the leader

My friend is very social and extroverted. Everyone knows him and tends to be surrended by people. He's also very good at leading conversations and making them fun.

In the other side, I'm more ambiverted. I enjoy spending time with people as well as by myself, in a balanced way. Smaller groups better. I'm also far less talkative than him and more rational.

Thing is, when I'm with him and other friends I feel a bit as his shade. I might want to change the topic of the conversation, get to know things of my friends, etc. But as he naturally tends to become the social leader in every group, I find it quite difficult to take the lead and when I try it feels like lots of effort with little result.

2. The interruption power move

On top of that, I've identified a specific power move: interruption.

He's better talker than listener, and he unconsciously interrupts people and tends to step on them. Plus, he's quite good at capturing attention.

An example could go like this:

(4 friends of us having a conversation)…
Me: (wanting to share something) Btw, the other day I went to the park and…
Him: (interrupts) Whoa my car broke! I was going to blablabla…
(he got the lead back to him)

As you can imagine, this difficult even more trying to lead a conversation back to the topics you want talk about.

The consequences

I feel not dealing with these 2 situations is unfortunate, because:

• I don't end up talking about things I like to with my friends/people (not even having the space to think about it)
• I feel ignored, and over the time the group tends to ignore me
• If there are girls, is hard to get their attention
• …

What to do

So far, here my two strategies I try to apply without much success:

• If I'm with energy, try to get back that leadership and attention. A bit exhausting.
• If not, I just give up and flow with it.

So, dropping some questions:

• How do you deal with social leaders effortlessly and successfully?
• How to prevent or handle that interruption power move? (In a calm way, I 100% know my friend doesn't do it with any bad intentions)
• How do you usually get to have a 1-1 conversation in such cases, when one person (the social leader) is capturing the whole groups attention?
• How do you manage to handle 1-1 flirting conversations with a girl on this situation?

I'm afraid today I'm more a “taker” as I don't have much science and success on this to share.

However, I'm happy to field-test any suggestions I find useful, report back and share the experience. I'd appreciate and carefully read if you want to share similar experiences.

I'm also excited to get to further PU lessons, like leadership, which I feel have a lot to learn from for this.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 7, 2023, 12:04 pm

Very good case study, Alejom!

And it may even turn out into a spin-off own article.

It seems to me that right now you're thinking about:

1. "How to wrestle the attention away" -which is overlapping but NOT the same as "how to win the leadership" of the group" or "how to achieve my goal of... connecting/sharing/seducing"
2. Giving up on your goals nad let him do his thing

I think there is a much better option.

My personal take is different, and it's also why I put a lot of caveats on products such as Charisma University.

Charisma University wants you to become (or compete) with that guy.

And of course there is some utility in that, and there is a time and place for that.
It's a also great skill to have and a challenging goal to learn from, so I encourage you to try it.

However, the end result of such a competition would be a race to who's louder and captures more attention.
And that culminates in a "headless chicken" type of clown where attention does not bring benefits -and often even harms you-.

Plus, it does not lead to many life-relevant (social) goals, such as "connecting", "sharing", "making friends", and even "picking up and seducing women".

Because, here's the key: the 1:1 interaction beats the loud charisma both in making friends and influencing people, and in seducing.

I remember once in a large group where I was the "almost official" leader and there was a cute girl.
A guy who seemingly knew what he was doing started a 1:1 on the side with her and then they left together.
And I've also been that guy in other situations, with inverted roles.

How do you do that?
The mental block here is that many consider the "life of the party" broadcast as taking precedence over anyone else.
Instead, the good mental shift is: the life of the party is like the broadcasting song in the background. He makes some pleasant noise, and I do my thing while it stays in the background.

One simple way is to start side conversations with those you find interesting, and not be shy of letting the "life of the party" be the "song in the background".
He does his thing, you do yours.
Then, from time to time, you stop to re-engage with the group, and then go back to 1:1 if you feel like -just as if it were a song-.

So a good strategy here is this:

1. Use his "life of the party" skills: Value him and "use him" for his skills in a way that adds value to all. Enjoy his "over the top charisma" and noise, while
2. Take care of your own needs and goals,
3. Potentially, lead "when it matters", not when it comes to "empty attention", but when it comes to more relevant decisions such as where to go, when, who to reward and punish with status/approval, etc. etc.-

And that's where power comes in: let him be the life of the party, even support him in that...

But always step in when it comes to making decisions you care about.

Part of that is to always defend your speaking time, of course, because you can't be the leader if you're lower power.

From your example:

You: (wanting to share something) Btw, the other day I went to the park and…
Him: (interrupts) Whoa my car broke! I was going to blablabla…
You: Yo bro, wait a second. I wanna hear all about your car, but I was saying something (it's not cool to interrupt)

Finish what you were saying, then back to him with a smile:

You: Yeah, now you were saying about your car...

---

Does that sound like something that could work for you?

Quote from Alejom on May 9, 2023, 10:49 am

@lucio your message its enlightening for me and made me reflect.

I'm more a man of fewer words, small groups, low pitch and not high energy. More an intellectual and adventurer rather than the king of the party. However, I'm from south of Spain and society here are super high-energy, extroverted and loud type.

This caused confusion all my life, as I've got the belief that being charismatic, magnetic, the more interesting one in the room and the one with more options making friends, connections or hook ups... means being exactly the high-energy charisma type. Of course, most people tend to that and this chicken battles happen all the time (just go to any south-Spain bar, it's all loud). To me, it's just exhausting as it's not my nature.

Nowadays, I know there are other charisma types. I just don't know much yet about other charisma types and, of course, how to play them and find my own charisma. Interesting, as sometimes people tagged me as charismatic, and that triggered an internal thought of "really?". They're probably seeing the charisma in me I haven't found yet, due to my confusion I described above 🙂 (btw, funny you mentioned Charisma on Command as I bought their course a quite a while ago, and while I found the practical lessons and exercises quite valuable they just didn't work for me)

However, you made me think of an old friend of mine who actually plays really well his 1:1 on group settings, often seducing girls. Really a master of "playing in the shadows"

All in all, Lucio, your message pointed me on that direction. I'm really excited on learning about other charisma types, find mine and learn how to play it in different settings, including high-energy ones. For now I take these key points:

• "Use" the high-energy charismatic - I have to make a shift here, as instead of competing (what I've done so far) I'll find my way on encourage and using them for my own goals. No more fighting anymore!
• Defend my talking - I'll try your suggestion 😉 I'll try my best on doing it calmly and not resentful. I find it quite doable in Poland, but challenging in Spain as people interrupt each other constantly and talk louder. It's really into the culture.
• Work on my 1:1 in group settings - I still find it a bit difficult to hold my attention on 1:1 when there is an "attention stealer" in the group, reason why I'll put effort on learning how to hold my attention there, and re-engage on the 1:1 after shifting my attention to the group.

One question left: what would be the suggestion to learn and work on other charisma types (a.k.a. develop yours)? Is there content on PU?

Thanks a bunch!

P.D.: feel free to use any content from this journal, anytime. I'm more than happy if it helps your project in any way.

Quote from Jack on May 9, 2023, 11:59 am

Check out the last chapter of the high power behaviour module in power university “archetypes of dominant men”

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 11, 2023, 11:38 am

Yep, late to the party, but Jack's could be a good lesson/resource for that.

Let us know how it goes, curious to read updates.