Alejom's journey to power & social success
I'll use this journal to share, in a practical & concise way, my progress on PU and more importantly, how does it apply to my daily basis.
Expect to be full of daily examples on social situations, dating & business, as well as reflexions from the lessons I'm progressing with.
Here it goes the first.
# 1 - Social exchanges on trips
I find the social exchange topic very interesting. Honestly, I’ll revisit the whole High-Value Socialization module and create a mind-map to internalize it better, but for now I’m sticking with this idea:
”Think what you can offer, and calibrate your requests”
This is gold. I’m in a new city where I know nobody, which makes me think I better optimize how I engage in chats and groups to do it high-value and people finds me interesting.
It’s making me think about “what do I have to offer” and, even though we all have many things, sometimes is not easy for me to identify. Now, putting some effort into it, it can be simple things.
Example 1 - A guy I met at a party:
❌ Me: Hey Daniel, I want to practice some Portuguese, want to meet?
✅ Me: Hey Daniel, it’ll help me a lot practicing some Portuguese, want to meet? Coffee is on me
Example 2 - A girl I approached on a WhatsApp group
❌ Me: Hey, I’m new to the city and I know nobody yet. Want to meet for a coffee or sightseeing?
✅ Me: Hey, I’m new to the city and excited to meet new people. I’d love it if you help me with a thing or two + I can share with you my Spanish tortilla recipe (seems like people find this interesting)
Note - if anyone has better suggestions, happy to hear other points of view.
Excited for the next steps!
Hey man,
great attitude. You understood that most people in the World are focussed on what they can get for themselves. You identified this in yourself and are now moving now in a more win-win direction (WIIFT approach). Huge steps I think. So props to you for that.
I would like to propose you another additional approach. My current attitude is to be interested in the person themselves (genuinely what I feel).
I think it's the easiest, most natural approach. Some examples:
Me: Hey Daniel, it was great to meet you, thanks for the conversation! (or without exclamation point). Let's have a coffee next week to exchange some more/so I can get to know you better (whatever you prefer), what do you think? (empower them, makes it win-win/reciprocal interest or anything that communicates that you truly have interest in them: "so we can talk more about this topic" or "so we can get to have a good chat/coffee", you got the idea).
Or if you go one step beyond in a value giving way:
Me: Hey Daniel, it was great to meet you. I'm organising a party/board game/event X next week on this date. Would you like to join? It would be great to exchange/see you again (acknowledges the other person's value and empower them to make a choice/make it reciprocal).
Same for the girl. I hope this makes sense for you. If not, please let me know.
Great to see you on this side of the forum Alejom, and great start!
Your proposed approaches are already a ton better.
Some ideas:
❌ Me: Hey Daniel, I want to practice some Portuguese, want to meet?
✅ Me: Hey Daniel, it’ll help me a lot practicing some Portuguese, want to meet? Coffee is on me
In this case, I'd say it may be too much about the language exchange and still too much what's in it for you.
I'd go for something like this:
You: Nice meeting you mate. I'd love to improve my Portuguese, would you be up to start a meetup of expats Portuguese speakers?
See the difference?
It's much higher value to be an organizer and include him, rather than requesting a meeting with him -which makes him the "prize" and self-frames you as lower value-.
And "organizing" in this case is super simple.
All you gotta do then is meet just another Portuguese speaker. Or you can simply post in any group "any Portuguese speakers around? I'm starting a Portuguese speakers meetup and would love to meet you
Then, optional:
You: And also up to meet you and I first. My Portuguese still sucks but I'll partially make it up picking up the tab lol
About this one:
❌ Me: Hey, I’m new to the city and I know nobody yet. Want to meet for a coffee or sightseeing?
✅ Me: Hey, I’m new to the city and excited to meet new people. I’d love it if you help me with a thing or two + I can share with you my Spanish tortilla recipe (seems like people find this interesting)
Nice man!
Look at that reframe from "not knowing anybody" to "excited to meet new people": golden!
Keep in mind these tend to be always be low odds because your demand is bigger and because of the male-female dynamics that can feel like dating -much better to go for something like that in person-.
Still, to improve it:
Vut out this request: "I’d love it if you help me with a thing or two" because it sounds too high effort.
Plus, you don't say what you need help with, and people get worried when they receive that.
I'd frame it more like:
You: Going for some sightseeing soon, if you wanna join me and share some "insider tips" snacks and coffees are on me 🙂
See the difference?
YOU are going, you don't depend on her.
She can join and, yes, add some value. And you repay that value with an exchange that feels fair and small enough that it's not really about the exchange, but more about the company / friendship / who knows what can blossom...
P.S.:
Going to add a module on socializing and making friends / social groups soon so this is super helpful to me as well.
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2 - Return to the land of PU
First of all, I apologize for disappearing for so long. Long story short: my computer broke for a week when I was in Porto, and then I got caught up in other things and left PU aside. But now I'm back to change that.
I read your replies on my mobile back then and found them very useful and practical. I'm impressed by how a few tweaks can make a big difference in how your communication is perceived. Thanks a lot Lucio and John!
I'm now in Krakow, Poland, and as my nomad journey continues, I've come to realize how important it is to reflect on my experiences through writing and interacting on the PU forum. It’s the only way to learn - let me explain myself.
I have been reading the content of "Fundamental Strategies," but when it comes to being in a social interaction, in the field, I tend to forget all the theory at that very moment. Likewise, if I don't analyze social interactions that have occurred using the theory from PU to reflect on it, I cannot grow, as I am not conscious of everything that happened.
That is why I made a promise to myself to commit to posting at least twice a week in the PU forum, ideally three times. I will relate my posts to the theory and progress I am making on the content in PU.
No excuses.
- What if I don’t have anything to talk about? There is always something, even on a simple work or friends interaction
- What if I couldn’t progress on PU? Then I’ll analyze the situations by intuition
- What if I’m too tired or don’t find the time? I’ll do a short post, much better than nothing
Here it goes the first of the week, and definitely, it goes mostly by intuition 😉
Arranging a trip to the Polish mountains - potential ego battle.
There is a girl I met a few months ago. It was a real crush - we met, slept a couple of times, and she went back to her country.
Now I’m in her country (not close though) and we arranged an escape plan to the polish mountains.
In the middle of the Instagram conversation, as she is an artist, I sent her a video of my sister as she’s starting an Instagram account about home crafting. It went like this:
(Me): [Send video] (Me): What do you think?
(She): Nothing interesting
(Me): Ok, it’s my sister
She didn’t know it was my sister, obviously. From that point, seems like she felt sorry or guilty and started being very nice, I guess to make up for it:
(She): hahahah 🙂
(She): Are we cancelling the trip? ≤== (her with humor recognizing wasn’t a nice comment)
(She): It’s great she likes home crafting design
(She): Btw here’s where we’ll go ≤== (she sends picture of a nice landscape in the mountains we planned)
Wasn’t 100% sure how to act here. I didn’t want to fall on the nice side like “all good, it wasn’t important that comment” (yes it was, you made a negative comment on my sister’s video) but at the same time didn’t want to go to the other extreme as it wasn’t a big deal even, and was kind of trap question haha.
Ended up responding:
(Me): such a critic girl…
(Me): btw did you check the dates?
Wanted to add some humor + change topic. Seems like she took the first comment a bit seriously:
(She): you’re confusing criticism with having an opinion, likings, and tastes
(Me): like our taste for red wines 😉 let’s confirm dates so we can start arrangements
I believe that changing the topic and avoiding an unnecessary ego battle, especially over text, was the best approach in this situation. Of course, I am happy to hear any feedback you have on the conversation, including any errors or areas for improvement.
Saludos! See you around
Good to see you again Alejom, so you're going to Tatra? 🙂
I did Erasmus in Krakow, such a little semi-forgotten jewel.
Just some random thoughts:
- Saw a couple power moves, from "nothing interesting" to "are we canceling", a common female power move to have the man confirm and thus chase a little bit.
To avoid anyone may say something bad about someone close to you, which end up being lose-lose, I'd usually preface it with "this is my... " - I'd put a smiley face to the "such a critical girl", to avoid that may be taken seriously, but...
- Great move on moving on with a new thread right away!
- She's quite high power, notice how she defends, corrects you, and re-states a better (and win-lose) frame. Good for you, a crush with something to learn with is even better than "just a crush" 🙂
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Hey Lucio, thanks for the reply! It's motivating to see you that responsive and helps a lot. Btw not sure how was Krakow back then, but it's super active these days (although they say it became more expensive last 2-3 years). Let me know if you come around 😉
Didn't catch those power moves (consciously)... but somehow you feel you're being tested. Actually she seems high power, but I can say it comes from an internal low self-esteem. Nonetheless, she plays really well power game externally.
Lots to learn here 😉 I'll keep you posted
#3 - Responding to qualification
Committing to my min 2 post/week, the most useful scenario I can put on the table today is qualification.
As I’m still new around, I’m not aware if there is some specific content for qualification, but I bet the topic has a lot to do with power.
Context - I’m flirting with a girl over text. All signals are good, there is interest and we’re meeting in the evening at her apartment (and made explicit to have a shower together). During the conversation, she gives me a suggestion for something to visit in Katowice (the city I was visiting that day). To reward her, I flirtatiously text her:
(Me): Earning some points for the shower, uh?
She responds:
(Her): The question is if you’re really earning points 😉
Caught me a bit off guard and wasn’t sure how to respond. From the seduction literature, I know the principles of being unreactive, don’t qualify, and taking it unseriously when you receive such tests.
Possible answers that came to my mind:
1. “Well from X, Y, Z I guess more than you ;)” - discarded as it’d be qualifying myself.
2. “I don’t know… Am I?” - Not sure. Not qualifying but the outcome would be too open for a frame battle
3. “Nah, I don’t need points” - Not qualifying, but I feel it arrogant
4. “Maybe I’m not… Btw will you cook tonight? :)” - My preferred and the one I went with
Can’t explain 100% why the 4th felt better for me, I guess a combo of auto-disqualification + changing the topic + takes the frame back. But in the end, I moved on and ignored that test, and the night went perfectly.
Have you experienced similar situations? How would you have responded? Any extra feedback and examples are really welcome 😉
Nice case study!
Your move was good:
You tried to set up a joking "you're chasing me frame", but she sniffed it out, and rejected it.
Seduction University's take on it is that you don't want to overdo the sexual via text because the downsides far outweigh the upsides.
There are plenty of examples around of "successful sexting" that are very showy for the people who read it -even an early artcile on TPM on text flirting was one of the most popular-, but the good examples of when it works don't change the foundational poor risk/reward, which are:
You can never get intimate via text, but you can very easily f*ck up the whole interaction.
Sure, if all goes well you "prepare the ground", but that's a typical male bias and many women are different.
The ground is never 100% ready before you meet in person, which is always the main differentiator. But you can 100% overdo it / pick the wrong time / make her feel slutty / turn it confrontational / come across creepy / etc. etc.
Even when I'm already intimate with a woman, I often skirt the overly sexual via phone.
The 4th option is good indeed because it moves away from that highly risky confrontational frame.
So props to that: you had the right feel!
Still not ideal because you're assuming the meet at a very low point.
You're risking derailing the date when you do that -ie.: she thinks "do I really wanna meet this guy who's trying to one-up me and make me feel a bit slutty assuming we'll jump naked into the shower? Not really... I'm no dumb slut"-.
Much better to move on / crack a joke / send a pic /e xchange a couple texts, and then confirm the meet.
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Couldn't agree more, Lucio! Thanks. Actually, not a fan of sexting but I definitely, by "sex education", used to (sometimes still do) fall into the trap of "preparing the ground". I'll take these key points as a good reminder:
- Goal is closing the date - all flirting, sexual tension and so should happen in person 1-1 and body language play a big role here
- When getting into a potential risky/drama situation - downplay it (i.e. by cracking a joke) + move on can work wonders
Re "you're assuming the meet at a very low point" - Didn't 100% get this part. Mind elaborating a bit more, Lucio? I'd really appreciate it as I feel I'm missing a good point here 😉
The very low point is that she just checked your power move, it's slightly confrontational at that point, and you're assuming you're meeting later when you say "you will be cooking tonight".
I also wanted to add: I never have a lot of time, so I focused on the area of most improvement in my initial message to give value.
However, when you only write about "what can be improved", it can come across as overly picky/negative and not giving enough credit.
So, just to be sure: overall, it's all great in your situation and it seems like you're rocking man.
And happy to know you're having a good time 🙂
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