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Ask questions without "?" & question intonation
I realized that most of my questions tend to be without the question typical intonation.
And now that I asked an obvious question in John's journal, I still preferred not to put a "?".
So far it's still an early thought, but my feeling is that avoiding the "?" format is often better because:
- It's higher power, because of the flat tonality. And because the question inherently frames you as "needing something from someone else" (ie.: an answer)
- It's more power protecting as well, since it's less demanding of someone else
- It's more strategic, since if you don't get a reply, you didn't go the full distance to ask a question, but framed it more like a comment.
For example, in my post in John's journal, my question can also be framed as me "not fully agreeing" or "having some doubts" about the quoted part. Hence, it's in part also a statement, not just a question. So if John doesn't reply, I didn't get fully ignored since I also happened to share an opinion that doesn't require an answer
Hi Lucio,
it's something I've often reflected upon after studying PU.
I also stopped as much as possible, in my work, to use question marks in email.
However, I also feel that asking a plain question without a question mark may be too blunt in my line of work as an attorney.
So, I've noticed I have started engineering my emails to use statements instead of questions, even when asking for something.
The last example I have is an email where I wrote:
Hello Mr. X,
I'd like to please speak with you on the phone.
In fact [provided some justification].
I think those are all great points, Lucio and Bel.
That said, I personally get annoyed when someone doesn't use a question mark and it's clear they actually need an answer because then it comes across as a social exchange manipulation to me. As if to say, "This question is important to me, but I don't want to make it seem like I need an answer even though I do."
Rather than being fully honest about needing an answer, they focus too much on being dominant and make it less likely I'll want to answer them.
But that may only be the exception to this general rule/practice and/or maybe it's just my personal feeling.
I agree with you, Ali.
I think it ties in with the principle of "who needs what from whom more".
As an attorney, the client needs something from me, so rephrasing questions as statements with clients may be justified.
If on the other hand I'm asking for a favor, it may be a covert manipulation.
Yeah, we discussed that phenomenon of "asking without asking" to avoid giving credit, and put a name on it: covert question.
It's a good reminder, but there is space for also a high-power, non-manipulative.
Bel's example is a great one: in my opinion, it's just superior (for all) than a "can you please call me?".
Thank you Lucio, that is definitely something I've also thought about.
Regarding what you wrote, I agree 100% about the effect of it. Regarding the covert question, that's also how I felt about it before reading your post right above this one. That is, I think there's a subtle distinction between both. And it's not always easy for the reader to distinguish it as the three of us felt it as a covert question in the first place. So with your comment I understood better the technique.
So I think as a bread-and-butter technique, I personally use it when using a "?" would make 2 questions in a row. For instance on dating apps or on WA with my friends:
Me: what did you do this WE? What's the dog name.
Alright, now seeing it there's still 2 questions in a row but I think it lessens the investment anyway. So it works still.
My favourite way of doing it is the one talked about by Bel:
Hello Mr. X,
I'd like to please speak with you on the phone.
In fact [provided some justification].
I started using it, thanks Bel.
So in this specific case on a forum, it feels a bit like someone is trying to lessen the investment. It feels to me as the person is interested in knowing something but tries to hide their interest in getting to know the answer while not losing too much status. So it feels a bit defensive to me. Regarding the "not fully agreeing" or "having some doubts", I think it comes across in this formulation. The risk is that the person reading it could take it as an attack, as a bid for investment from the other person.
So I'm on the fence on this one. I prefer the formulation from Bel. I think: "I'd like to know why you think it's a trap" would have accomplished the 3 points you mentioned and would have felt more natural to me. I think it would have still been high power and low investment while being more assertive.
I still think the "why you think it's a trap." is a great technique, what I think is that maybe it has possible unwanted side-effects based on how the receiver takes it. So yes but the context when to use it is tricky. That is the person must trust that the person using it has good intentions.
Edit: Saying it out loud I think it works quite well. Will have to test it. So maybe in spoken form it's different.
I'm happy to know what you guys think about this.
Correction: "It feels to me as the person is interested in knowing something but tries to hide their interest in getting to know the answer while not investing too much."
Hello,
I thought about it. It’s now clear to me there is a difference between:
A covert question: a covert request which is credit scalping:
“I’m really tired.”
Instead of
“Could you drive me home please?”
An indirect question: a question not syntaxically written as a question, as in Lucio’s example. High power since it’s about keeping one’s own ability to make choices and not depend entirely on the other person’s answer.
“If you want to come this week-end please let me know”
instead of
“Do you want to come this week-end?”.
This would make us depend on the other person both for waiting on the answer and for making choices (“shall I invite someone, wait or go on my own?”).
Yeah, great point John.
Also, to me:
- Do you NEED an answer? If yes, then it's scalping because you're hiding your need. If not, or if it's just a "nice to have, but not needed", then it's probably not
- Is it obvious you're asking/taking for something? If so, then the question or question tonality doesn't matter much since it's obvious anyway (as in Bel's example)
- HOW you avoid the question format. For example, if one uses statements in the hope of starting a dialogue and get into when instead he is clueless, that's total scalping (and very annoying)
Hello Lucio,
thanks for your answer. This one definitely has subtleties and ramifications I was not expecting. One thing I did not totally understood is:
For example, if one uses statements in the hope of starting a dialogue and get into when instead he is clueless, that's total scalping (and very annoying)
I understand you mean that one uses statement to start a conversation about a topic he does not know about. I'm not 100% sure about the meaning of this sentence.
