Being joked about at my expense

Quote from John Freeman on March 23, 2023, 12:34 pm

Hello Maya,

Congrats! Huge step in self-respect, putting boundaries and social power. Impressive change.

Anyone who experience this after this type of "death by a thousand cuts"? How to get rid of it?

Yes, like in the situation with my supervisor. He hurt me real bad with his tone and attitude during the performance review. What I do in this situations is to forgive them. I do it inside myself. I do it both on the self-talk, emotionnally and spiritually. I think about the person (closed or open eyes, it depends) and I say in my head or out loud: "I forgive you". That's how I let go of resentment. I do it for me which removes the limiting idea that you're doing it for them. Everybody do shit things some time. So did I. It's in that regard that I forgive them: they're people and imperfect. So am I. We all deserve forgiveness or at least it makes me feel better. Strategically speaking it improves the relationship as people can feel the resentment somehow.

I agree with you Bel, when trust is lost it's difficult to rebuild, sometimes not worth giving your trust to someone. How I view it is that now there is more distance in the relationship. The previous closeness was not adequate since they took advantage of your trust and good nature. So the relationship can still exist but differently, with a further distance for instance or not the same vulnerability or not the same warmth. Anyway, as said above I think it's helpful for us to forgive.

What I enjoy is to simply interact with them today as the new higher power you.

You'll keep a slight smile, and you smile inside as you think "you THOUGHT it was the same cr@p as before a**hole. Well, look who you dealing wiht now instead and what you got yourself into".

I also agree with you Lucio, I also do this. I don't take revenge on the the bully when I'm in a position to do so (and there was no need to put strong boundaries). And that impresses them even more. Because it's a behaviour they're not able to have. If they were in my position they would get their revenge. So this impresses them and scare them a little bit. And then I found out that they become more submissive than in the past. Because at their core they are weak or feel weak or behave weak. So behaving high power, putting strong boundaries without hurting them in the process.

Last time I saw a neighbor and he pulled another "fun" joke about baldness and I didn't buy his "fun frame" but just stood there and said with a very serious tone "no, not really, this is the latest cool style" and he just folded and exited, I just wished he hadn't been so stupid, so I wouldn't have been forced to do what I did.

Hahaha, I love the joke! Well, this is fair. It's not an attack on his character or an insult it's just fair game.

Not only this specific situation, but the new level you achieved in skills, self-confidence, and self-development.

And I'd focus a lot more on that.

Golden advice. 100%. Jocko Willink has something along those lines.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKcpxmtTDyU

Quote from Maya88 on March 23, 2023, 11:23 pm

Thank you a lot for your feedback and sharing your own experiences 🙏 and strategies, and for cheering me on, Bel, Lucio and John Freeman. I feel heard. A big part of this change for me has actually been this forum and being able to talk with you. I needed your clear eyes for seeing it for what it was , and to start to take action. I am very grateful for that ❤️

I see that both of you, Bel and John mention that they can feel the resentment.

"That is, they would always bear some consequence of what they did, even if unconscious." Bel

"Strategically speaking it improves the relationship as people can feel the resentment somehow". John

I find this very interesting. I think it is true, and I think that is why they have stopped. I don't feel that I am doing anything different in how I speak with them (at least what I consciously can think of), but I guess it's my energy. I think it is fascinating how much one can communicate without the words! That is why I find it so important to get rid of the resentment, and truly feel ok about them when interacting with them. Because it affects me as well. I feel tense, even though outwardly, I am still positive and collaborative.

Your advice to forgive John makes a lot of sense. I was thinking, "Yes! That's the answer!" And also: "Shit! That is hard work" I will try my best to forgive. I am still recovering as a nice-person, and in my mind, I can still jump back into "they should have known🤬". I remember from the PU that it is passive aggressive thinking🙈 It helps that I have also started more consciously to share my opinions on different topics in day-to-day conversations - when I have a different point of view, even on the small things. I find it a good practice to speak my truth in other areas as well, to build muscle. Before I have found it hard to know exactly what to say when I disagree to something, but as I have changed my mindset, I notice that the words comes more naturally now.

When being in a mindset of
- honouring myself, my needs and beliefs
- thinking "I do not need these people in my life to feel worthy"
- "I am a great person to be with, and they are lucky to have me on their team"
- not care too much about how what I say will be received on the other end
that helps a lot.

And I just try to be in the uncomfortable, thinking: "It is just a feeling and a part of the human experience. I am strong and I can handle all feelings that come to me. This is also a part of life". Yes, I have to go that far out 😂

Love the youtube-clip! Just be awesome and bring value, then you're untouchable!🚀 I have high expectations to myself to deliver value in what I do at work, and I think that is maybe why, when I changed gears, they could not dismiss my non-approval.

Quote from John Freeman on March 24, 2023, 7:52 pm

100%. When you'll be 80 years old you will have forgotten everything about these people.

"It does not matter where you are now. All that matters is where you want to go and the price you're willing to pay to get there" - Tom Bilyeu