Bel's thoughts
Thank you, Lucio!
I'll also implement your suggestion as to limiting editing.
Abraham Lincoln’s letter meant to be read by his dying father
Context: Abraham Lincoln had been mistreated brutally by his father, who essentially treated him as if he were a servant.
Lincoln managed to become a lawyer anyway, and a great lawyer, honest and competent.
One of his trials, the “almanac trial”, has become legendary (but maybe the topic for another post).
Now Lincoln’s father was dying. The family sent him letters to which Lincoln did not respond.
Then another letter came, and Lincoln responded.
The letter, with some parts bolded by me:
To John D. Johnston
Dear Brother: Springfield, Jany. 12. 1851---On the day before yesterday I received a letter from Harriett, written at Greenup. She says she has just returned from your house; and that Father [is very] low, and will hardly recover. She also s[ays] you have written me two letters; and that [although] you do not expect me to come now, yo[u wonder] that I do not write. I received both your [letters, and] although I have not answered them, it is no[t because] I have forgotten them, or been uninterested about them---but because it appeared to me I could write nothing which could do any good. You already know I desire that neither Father or Mother shall be in want of any comfort either in health or sickness while they live; and I feel sure you have not failed to use my name, if necessary, to procure a doctor, or any thing else for Father in his present sickness. My business is such that I could hardly leave home now, if it were not, as it is, that my own wife is sick-abed. (It is a case of baby-sickness, and I suppose is not dangerous.) I sincerely hope Father may yet recover his health; but at all events tell him to remember to call upon, and confide in, our great, and good, and merciful Maker; who will not turn away from him in any extremity. He notes the fall of a sparrow, and numbers the hairs of our heads; and He will not forget the dying man, who puts his trust in Him. Say to him that if we could meet now, it is doubtful whether it would not be more painful than pleasant; but that if it be his lot to go now, he will soon have a joyous [meeting] with many loved ones gone before; and where [the rest] of us, through the help of God, hope ere-long [to join] them.
Write me again when you receive this. Affectionately
A. LINCOLN
Lincoln did not attend the funeral, and the letter is in essence a big “middle finger”.
But the tone is perfect. He essentially remains polite, affectionate, distant, objective.
Unfazed. Not in the slightest concerned by his family’s judge moves.
And his politeness and excuses makes it so difficult to attack him. Totally brilliant.
Street hustlers choose who to target based (among other things) on how one is dressed
I have found that the most obnoxious and angry street hustlers observe people’s clothing to decide whether to engage.
Yesterday I was jogging and choose to put on some old jogging clothing I should throw out, and for the first time in months I was engaged by three hustlers.
The first bumped lightly into me physically from a side. In the past I would have distanced myself, but this time I chose to deliberately bump back.
While saying “no thanks”.
He then said
First hustler: Woo, you ignore us southerners!
Which I ignored and continued walking.
The third was the most obnoxious:
Him: (hard slaps my shoulder from a side while I was looking at my phone) And buy yourself a bag of mine, eh?!
Me: (looking at him but continuing to walk) Don’t touch me.
Him: Get a bag…
Me: (continuing to walk, not turning back and louder) Don’t touch me!
On legal (and other) “threats”
Legal “threats” are part of the work of a lawyer. And sometimes the legal threat must be explicit, as in:
I have received instructions to act in court in case of your non-compliance.
But I now realize there are degrees one can use, and - unless there are legal reasons to speak openly - in informal communication it does not always have to be so explicit.
0. Threat is communicated by telling a story about another
This is how dark triads usually do it.
As in
My colleague asked to be paid by some clients and these clients disappeared: he destroyed the relationship.
Said by someone who owes money to a professional.
Solutions: remain unfazed and reframe by attacking the party with which the threatener is identifying:
They don’t seem good clients. Better that way.
And then, of course, get distance from the dark triad.
1. Threat is implied in a request
As in:
Please do X by Y time.
Adding the timeframe, by itself, clearly implies the threat.
2. Threat is denied and referred to what another person would or could have done
As in:
Another person (in my place) would have done X by now.
3. Threat is denied but referred to oneself
I don’t want to do X.
4. Threat is affirmed but unwillingness to act on it is expressed
Don’t compel me to do X.
What all of them have in common:
- they destroy trust. I think using any one of these seriously damages a personal relationship;
- they force the speaker to act and thus remove implied leverage (in various degrees).
Because: (with the exception of lawyers’ work, where the opposite may be at play), the fact that a person is threatening, shows that he doesn’t really want to act. Otherwise the action would have already been implemented.
As such, they should be reserved to professional (lawyer) settings.
And probably just never used in personal settings.
You didn't wnat a bag, Bel? 🙂
Yes, great observation (and great power moves on your side!).
And they also observe body language and location.
Some can be really smart with social and power dynamics.
I remember our sociology professor explaining that panhandlers waited on purpose outside old porn cinemas because people would be in a hurry to move forward.
However, I disagree as to the reason: it would be easier to keep on walking than to stop and give money. Panhandlers were getting more money there (probably) because of shame/social capital and porn viewers were giving money to regain social points and status after feeling somewhat shameful for their porn viewing habits.
Quote from Bel on January 13, 2023, 2:36 pmOn legal (and other) “threats”
Legal “threats” are part of the work of a lawyer. And sometimes the legal threat must be explicit, as in:
I have received instructions to act in court in case of your non-compliance.
But I now realize there are degrees one can use, and - unless there are legal reasons to speak openly - in informal communication it does not always have to be so explicit.
0. Threat is communicated by telling a story about another
This is how dark triads usually do it.
As inMy colleague asked to be paid by some clients and these clients disappeared: he destroyed the relationship.
Said by someone who owes money to a professional.
Solutions: remain unfazed and reframe by attacking the party with which the threatener is identifying:
They don’t seem good clients. Better that way.
1. Threat is implied in a request
As in:
Please do X by Y time.
Adding the timeframe, by itself, clearly implies the threat.
2. Threat is denied and referred to what another person would or could have done
As in:
Another person (in my place) would have done X by now.
3. Threat is denied but referred to oneself
I don’t want to do X.
4. Threat is affirmed but unwillingness to act on it is expressed
Don’t compel me to do X.
What all of them have in common:
- they destroy trust. I think using any one of these seriously damages a personal relationship;
- they force the speaker to act and thus remove implied leverage (in various degrees).
As such, they should be reserved to professional (lawyer) settings and/or for very, very serious violations.
Yes!
The in-between steps are what differentiates the true strategist from the guys who escalates way too much and way too often (and doesn't
Some more ways:
- I don't want to be forced into X, sub-communicates they can still stop you and appease you from your escalation
- I really prefer to solve this amicably, sub-communicates you can and may escalate
- I think it's much better for you, and also good for me to save time, if we solve this amicably, sub-communicates an escalation is lose-lose, but that they will lose more
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Thank you Lucio,
these are golden:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 13, 2023, 3:05 pmThe in-between steps are what differentiates the true strategist from the guys who escalates way too much and way too often (and doesn't
Some more ways:
-
I don't want to be forced into X, sub-communicates they can still stop you and appease you from your escalation
-
I really prefer to solve this amicably, sub-communicates you can and may escalate
-
I think it's much better for you, and also good for me to save time, if we solve this amicably, sub-communicates an escalation is lose-lose, but that they will lose more
I think that people who come from families with one or two dark triads may also have the "threat mechanism" ingrained from personal childhood experience, as dark triad parents threaten their children (overtly) so often. These parents tend to limit themselves to "implied threats" outside the family, but the children bear the full brunt of their true nature.
And these things tend to come out at the most taxing times, so ridding oneself of any tendency to use "threats" (as threats to break up) in close relationships is paramount. And these "threats to break up" are not always communicated by verbalizing it. It may also be passive-aggressiveness, not answering, not maintaining rapport, and so on.
Taking more ownership: I need to get rid of this unfortunate tendency of mine, to not keep rapport and disconnect after I feel "slighted". But I think now that I can see it, it means it may already be going away.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 13, 2023, 3:05 pmYou didn't wnat a bag, Bel? 🙂
Yes, great observation (and great power moves on your side!).
And they also observe body language and location.
Some can be really smart with social and power dynamics.
I remember our sociology professor explaining that panhandlers waited on purpose outside old porn cinemas because people would be in a hurry to move forward.
However, I disagree as to the reason: it would be easier to keep on walking than to stop and give money. Panhandlers were getting more money there (probably) because of shame/social capital and porn viewers were giving money to regain social points and status after feeling somewhat shameful for their porn viewing habits.
Yeah, I was thinking about the bag until he slapped me… 😁
Today I changed clothes and jogged on the same route. One of three hustlers was still there and he didn’t even notice me!
I find that bullies and predators (including criminals) also choose marks on the street based on these cues.
Throwing out ill-fitting clothes is imperative!
Miscellaneous stuff:
- Handshake opening gambit guy reveals his motive
Referring to this guy here below (whom we'll call, to use a euphemism, Obnoxious Guy, but who's obviously much worse than that), who months ago faked "not seeing me" to salute my partner first, in my face:
Quote from Bel on August 9, 2022, 9:05 pm
My relatives invited a couple of friends (that I did not know) from the same area for the cake.
The wife arrives first, and says her husband would come in a bit, as he needed to sleep because he was tired.
Ten minutes later (!) the husband arrives, and I am the first person he encounters coming in. I am sitting with my back at the door, and I stand up to say hi.
He looks at me, I go to shake hands and, as we are about to…
… he extends his hand to my partner (who is standing beside and behind me) and shakes her hand, ignoring me altogether.
Then he turns at me and this dialogue ensues that everybody hears:
Him: Hey! Sorry I didn’t really see you! (shakes my hand)
Me: Take it easy, I also wear glasses. (sly smile)
Me: (I turn around and sit down again with my back at him)
His wife: (to him) I don’t understand, Bel even got up to say hi and you do this?
His wife: (to me) Please excuse him Bel. He’s really like this unfortunately.
So, I recently was at these same relatives house for lunch.
Obnoxious Guy wasn't present.
But, during lunch, one of my relatives receives a phone call from Obnoxious Guy (who lives nearby).
They speak for some time, then my relative says:
Relative: (to the phone) Ok, I'll put you on speakerphone. (puts him on speakerphone for us to hear)
Obnoxious guy: Yes, please come to our house after lunch for my wife's birthday. Including Bel and Bella.
I immediately think: "NO WAY I'M FOLLOWING THIS ASS****'S ORDERS".
After lunch, relatives get up to go exactly there. I say:
Me: Please tell him I got sleepy, because I was tired.
As shown in the above quote, when he made his move months ago, he initially had told his wife he wouldn't have come to my relatives' house, as he "was sleepy because he was tired". So I knew he would understand my message (which was: "F*** ***!") as soon as he heard the same about me from my relatives. 😀
But Bella decided to go there. I told her I thought it wouldn't be a nice experience.
She later came back, and told me I was right:
- Obnoxious Guy had poured her a glass of sparkling wine first, before pouring it to his wife;
- Obnoxious Guy had joked with her in a flirting way:
- Obnoxious Guy had hinted at meeting her again, in front of his wife (!)
So now we know why Obnoxious Guy made his handshake gambit on me.
And Obnoxious Guy also knows I may sometimes be sleepy as he is.
- Another relative greeting me kindly
I got to his house, and he immediately went:
Him: Hi, old hag! (in the sense of "ugly witch")
Me: To you!
Him: But I was joking affectionately!
Me: So am I!
Him: Don't push it!
Me: You too!
- click on quote to expand
No place like (some) relatives' home to be greeted kindly 🙂
Wow Bel you have amazing tolerance. If I had relatives like this I d emigrate. Or is it just like stupid 'macho' culture in your area?
Bel, you rocking man!
Those were some masterful high-power moves and frame controls.
I'd have also guessed that the initial asshole was trying to make a pass on Bella when he ignored you and tried to power move you.
This one here:
Quote from Bel on January 13, 2023, 7:41 pmHim: Hi, old hag! (in the sense of "ugly witch")
Me: To you!
Him: But I was joking affectionately!
Me: So am I!
Him: Don't push it!
Me: You too!
- click on quote to expand
No place like (some) relatives' home to be greeted kindly 🙂
Absolutely love it!
You drew your line quickly and easily and forced him to move away from "sarcastic one-up" to direct aggression.
Already a smaller-step win.
And even when he went higher aggression, you still held your line.
Fantastic, really.
Just to maintain warmth, I'd have maybe rephrased a bit as in:
Him: Hi, old hag! (in the sense of "ugly witch")
Me: (hugs him and slaps him in the back) Ehehe, to you!
Him: But I was joking affectionately!
Me: I know, I know, same here (of course)
Him: Don't push it!
Me: Hey, you started it and I'm playing along
Also a good option when you're the guest:
Him: Hi, old hag! (in the sense of "ugly witch")
You: Thank you, you're always so kind eh
Just other options, great stuff!
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