Former Community – We Moved
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Bel's thoughts
Today I went to hike on a mountain in the countryside, and got lost in the woods on my way back.
I got to the top, and while coming back I suddenly lost the trail.
After five or 10 minutes, I started to feel anxiety.
I felt my heartbeat raise.
At a point I was in pure woods. Branches everywhere, no path.
I tried to first recover the trail, but couldn’t.
Then I decided to follow cow’s trails, and did not (could not) care whether the branches from the trees scratched me or not.
I started to run, as I was afraid the dark would come before I got my bearings. I was acutely aware of animal noises in the woods.
I had 5% battery on my cellphone. I tried to save it as much as possible to be able to at least keep the direction right, but ultimately it went off.
Finally (I don’t know how much time had passed, as I lost cognition of time; but it was probably more than 45 minutes) I got to the end of the woods and I could see my car.
I slowly walked to my car, got in, cleaned myself as much as possible, and started driving.
While I was driving, suddenly I felt the pain of the scratches from the tree branches I hit on my way back.
It was a sudden pain, that I simply couldn’t feel before being “safe”.
The fight or flight response was immediate, instantaneous, and effective.
And only after it was turned off I could feel the pain.
The parallel
The same response got activated when I was unaware and constantly targeted by manipulators in my family and in my work.
I:
- couldn’t sleep
- had this foreboding sense of anxiety for life
- felt fear, and as I couldn’t see who or what was the cause, I attributed it to external stuff that had nothing to do with it
- couldn’t feel the pain
- tried to save as much as possible
- couldn’t get a sense of the time that passed.
Every day was equal and empty. Surviving was the only objective, getting farther one more day.
You know you have gotten rid of the manipulators in your life when you start wanting to use days to do great things.
When I finally sent these people off years ago, I felt all the pain my body had repressed, just like with the branches. I needed to, to get rid of it.
Being unaware and targeted by a manipulator is like being forever lost in the woods.
I’m so glad to know that my fight-or-flight response is now reserved for serious stuff.
And the hike, and view from the top of the mountain, was also great.
Waiter wants to make friends, but I get strange vibes
I was having breakfast at a place with Bella.
Bella asked a waiter for some cutlery.
The young waiter got the cutlery, went to Bella and gave it to her, asked if it was ok more than once, and smiled at her.
I find it somewhat strange that he is so courteous.
After some minutes, the same waiter comes back to get my empty plate.
I take the plate from the table and hand it to him.
Then this happens:
Waiter: Wow Sir you're so kind!
Me: Thanks.
Waiter: Are you staying here with us for some time?
Me: We already stayed for some time, now we're about to leave.
Waiter: Where are you from?
I answer, and he starts to make chit-chat with me about having seen my city, and how beautiful it was, and this and that.
I talk with him and ask him some information about him as well: where he is from, where is he living, etc.
Then someone comes and calls him back to work.
Waiter: I have to go, I'll come back in a little while.
I find it a bit strange that he wants to keep talking.
After some minutes, Bella and I get up to leave.
He gets near again, and this happens:
Waiter: So when are you leaving?
Me: Today.
Waiter: Oh, that's a shame.
Me: Well, maybe we can catch up in the future. Just give me your number.
Waiter: Sure, it's ...
Me: Ok, nice.
Then he tries to task me in front of Bella:
Waiter: You should get some food from here to bring along with you in your trip, we have boxes for that.
Me: Thank you, but we won't need it. (I turn around and start walking)
Waiter: You really should. It's good for you, you know.
Me: Goodbye. (without turning)
Waiter: Ok, bye.
Then we leave.
Later, I look up his number.
I find out that, while he told me he was born in one place and living in another country, his phone number is from yet another third country.
His whatsapp tagline is "If you don't like me, I don't care".
I think about it for a while.
Then I never write to him, and I trash his number.
The dawning
The dawning came to me later.
He was the kind of guy who travels a lot, who never stays anywhere, always moves.
He basically just liked Bella, and didn't care she was with me.
But, he was a waiter.
He had a problem: he had to first befriend me to get to the same "power level".
Then, he wouldn't have been a waiter anymore, but a "friend".
He tried to get information on our logistics. To find out "how long he had".
Only then he tried to power move me at the end, after having "made friends", in front of Bella.
By trying to task me to take the food. Which I refused.
And, his initial move of saying:
Waiter: Wow Sir you're so kind!
was using the "good samaritan frame", as explained in PU.
Gas station guy
I was driving in my car with Bella, and stopped to get gas at a gas station.
Another car was in front of me at the same gas station, and was being serviced by this gas station guy.
I was waiting for this car to finish to get beside the gas pump.
The gas station guy turns at me:
Gas station guy: (somewhat rudely) Will you please turn the motor off?
Me: (I look at him, don't answer but turn the motor off)
Gas station guy: If you are hot, just come under the roof with your car.
Me: (I don't answer, but shake my head to a "no. I find it strange that he just told me to turn off the car, and now he's clearly trying to task me to turn it back on and move it again... I immediately realize that safety wasn't the real reason why he asked me to turn off my car.)
Gas station guy: Your fucking choice.
Me: (turning to Bella, smiling): Did he just say "Your fucking choice?".
Bella: I don't know, but he's a dick for sure.
* click on blockquote to expand
The gas station guy finishes to service this car in front of mine, and said car leaves.
But, the gas station guy stays still in a strange position, as in the following diagram:
Gas station guy-------------------------space where I'm about to drive---------------------------Gas pump
Immediately I get the feeling that, if I just drive there, he might start walking toward the pump and then fake getting angry at me for not waiting for him to move first.
Especially because another car, in the meantime, had gotten to the other side of the pump. And that car was clearly going to be refueled before mine.
So I signal at him with my hands.
He answers by making another gesture.
While I can't reproduce gestures here, this was the communication going on:
Me: (with gestures) Can I drive there now?
Gas station guy: (with gestures) Are you stupid? What are you waiting for?
I move my car, get off the car, and turn toward him.
I make a big smile and say:
Me: I was waiting for you to move first.
Gas station guy: Well you could have moved already.
Me: No... I'm in a car and you're a pedestrian. You've clearly got precedence :) .... (smiling)
Gas station guy: Well now you're going to have to wait more than this other car in any case, since this pump is slower.
Me: (silence, amused look)
Gas station guy: And it's not that I'm doing this on purpose.
Me: (thinking: "what a douchebag")
* click on blockquote to expand
The refueling is actually very fast. Another car gets behind me, with a man driving and a woman sitting beside him.
The gas station guy approaches this new car and goes:
Gas station guy: What a lovely woman we have here! So sexy.
Woman: (laughs)
Man driving: (says nothing)
Gas station guy: I have to be careful or your husband will hit me.
The reason for this douchebag trying to overpower me suddenly becomes apparent to me, as he replicated his behavior with all cars.
While paying, I find myself getting very close to him by invading his personal space, and smiling.
Then we're off.
Bella summarizes the encounter by telling me:
Bella: What a douchebag.
Quote from Bel on September 4, 2023, 2:30 pm
Me: (turning to Bella, smiling): Did he just say "Your fucking choice?".Bella: I don't know, but he's a dick for sure.
Top power couple :)
Suc as: you moving to refuel rather than waiting with the attitude of "life's short, got no time to waste with your bullshit"
Dominating other men to have affairs with their women
I am reading the Quora profile of a person with high dark triad traits, who had many sexual experiences with women.
One of the things that stand out to me in his stories, is that he confirms that sexual access to (some) women can directly derive from dominating their partners in front of them.
He tells many stories to this effect.
In one case, he met a younger man while travelling for work, and invited him to have dinner with him.
This younger colleague asked if he could bring his girfriend.
When he saw this man's girlfriend at dinner, in his own words:
he "instantly shifted gears".
He started dominating the young man first by "joking at his expense", then by "becoming condescending", then by "becoming somewhat rude to him".
Simultaneously, he started to flirt with the woman in front of her male partner.
Then he "got the man drunk".
And then he started to disparage the male partner directly to the woman.
The evening ended with him having sex with the woman.
The woman then told him that the turning point when she decided to have sex with him, was precisely when he "dominated her partner in front of her".
The same person, on Quora, tells countless stories of how he did basically the same to have sex with his neighbors' wives, his friends's girfriends, his work colleagues partners, and so on.
...
This totally explains what many men were trying to do to me when they saw Bella.
Of course, not all women are going to pusue a man that engages in this kind of behavior, even if they may be attracted to him.
But some will.
From the perspective of an immoral person, it makes sense to try this with all couples where there is an attractive woman.
So it was not simply an innocuous social game.
It was a tested strategy to try to have sex with the woman of another man.
This reinforces the importance of self-developing by learning to be able to out-dominate these assholes whenever they try.
And then ruthlessly cutting them off, as I had started doing.
I am now starting to realize the reason behind some more odd behaviors in the past by some people I thought were "friends", before TPM.
One - who supposedly was "gay", and that undoubtetly contributed to my "lowering my defenses" - had even engineered to ask me and my partner if he could sleep at our house for a night, since he needed to be early up the next day at a place in our vicinity.
I am now connecting the dots.
Right now, as I write this.
Pre-seeding the power play
I remember some days before making this ask, he had "pre-seeded the request" by showing up abruptly at our house, and asked if we could "host him" for half an hour since he was "stuck there".
I let him up and he had tea at our house, than he abruptly told us "his friend had arrived" and he needed to go.
Asking the woman to make her ask her man
When, later, he asked if I could host him for a night, he did not ask it directly to me.
He asked it to my partner.
When my partner relayed the ask to me, I said "yes".
It was like as if my partner had asked me.
Smart. Very smart.
A power move to be studied and recognized as a real power play.
Guideline: when someone who has a "friendship" with you does not ask you directly, but asks your partner, default answer must be NO.
How to get the number of another man's woman
I also remember that he had started sending me useless "memes" on whatsapp, and when I did not respond, he showed one of them to Bella.
Bella laughed at the meme. He then said he would send them to her since she "was the one to appreciate them". And he got her number.
Very very smart.
Totally smart.
I think this move is pure genius. To be studied, and recognized as a very dangerous power play.
Again: when one of your "friends" asks for the number of your partner, BIG RED FLAG.
I still cut the bastard off
Then, however, after the ask to stay at my house, I had a strange feeling.
I didn't understand what was going on, but his behavior was strange.
I felt some disrespect. I felt he was odd.
I reflected on it, and without really knowing why, I cut him off for good and blocked him everywhere, before he could stay the night.
Now I know what was going on.
I can't wait to meet all these "friends" again in the future to show them my "gratitude".
Hello Bel,
I agree: sneaky taker behaviour. I think there is another option with the ask: it is to go to the person and say: “Bella told me that you would like to stay at our place is that right?” to re-establish direct communication.
It also depends if this person is more friend with you or Bella. If he’s more friends with you totally inappropriate. If he’s more friends with her I can understand why he would ask her.
However, I would still re-establish direct communication as to re-empower oneself. Also very different if you like the person.
If that was me and I badly needed a place to stay for the night I would ask when the couple is in front of me. And let them take some time to discuss it between them. Something like that in a respectful way. Also most of the time you don’t need to stay at people’s place you can get a hostel or a hotel. I would stay at someone’s place if they’re close friends and I want to spend more time with them and they’re happy to host me also in order to help me save money. Like family.
I never thought I would have written this, but the more I learn the more I go toward the direction of realizing it's true:
Women want men who are indifferent to them.
Meaning, men who are so "rock solid", and "independent" from a single woman's emotional and physical validation, that they could really - not "hypothetically" - and always - no matter the "stage" of the relationship - take them, or leave them, and be content and happy anyways.
And then - and only then - they want these men to stay.
But what women's collective preferences ultimately turn these men into is precisely someone who can leave them, or in any case do without them and a relationship with them, and be happy and satisfied anyways.
Maybe this is the same for men as well. In fact, it seems to be the same in work, friendship, and elsewhere; it seems to be a basic unconscious human tendency to yearn for those who "need us" the least.
Hey Bel,
I partially agree, but albeit this is a common take in many men's self-development corners, I'm not sure I fully buy into it.
As a matter of fact, I think this may be a confusion many men make.
Women chase and are afraid of losing those men who are indifferent.
Which certainly overlaps with "want", but it's not exactly the same.
AS you say: not different than for many guys and in many other fields.
Many guys "want" the bitchy woman who rejected them.
But it's not want, it's possessing, dominating, "winning", and getting revenge.
Save losing all the interest once they get her.
Then, they may start hating her attitude in the relationship, and want the more collaborative and supportive woman.
What's a lot close to "want" is this:
The man who is caring and want to see her doing well... But only in that little time he has to her.
Because otherwise he's got options of other women, and other competing interests in life that often take priority over her.
That's a lot more of a big catch than "indifferent".
