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#761 · September 16, 2023, 5:44 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 16, 2023, 5:44 pm

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 11:09 am

The power-unaware person is the EASY OUTLET: he or she gets most of the anger and power moves going on between other power-aware people

The above story contains a concept which I frequently used to experience, but that I never was able to really, deeply understand until now.

The concept is this:

Power-unawareness begets most of the "system" anger and power moves, if only because other power players see the power-unaware person as the EASIEST OUTLET and as the FASTEST AND MOST OPEN PATH TO TRIANGULATION

In other words:

If A and B are power-aware, and engaged in a power struggle, they both know subconsciously that openly power moving or projecting anger against each other is a losing proposition.

Each of them subconsciously understands that there will be a price to pay for that.

The reasoning is the same behind the concept that revenge is usually costly, and that it is better to "resume playing the game" than "focusing on revenge" after becoming power aware.

For example, if A power moves on B, B can check the power move and gain power at the expense of A.

Or, B could go meta. Or, B could retaliate.

But if A and B both work with the young trainee C, and C is power UNaware, then it is obvious that any power struggle between A and B is going to be played mostly through attacking C.

C, after all, is unaware by definition. This means that:

C will not retaliate. C will not check power moves. The risks inherent in power moving on C, projecting anger at C, demeaning C, humiliating C, are much much lower.

And, if A wants to cause damage to B, and C is working for B at that moment, attacking C has the bonus of triangulating and damaging B by proxy.

That explains why I got the brunt of power moves, anger and all the rest of the shit by these bastards while I was power unaware.

Including in cases where I was not responsible of anything in the slightest.

This is key, and finally solves a big conundrum in my head.

I simply could not understand why so many people had ill-will toward me even though I always tried to "do as they wanted".

Well, it was precisely because of this that they behaved so dastardly toward me.

Incidentally, this is one dynamic that thoroughly, finally explains both my family's, and my former workplace's behavior.

I got the brunt of everything that was going on between others.

I believe this is tied to what is colloquially known as "being the scapegoat" (ie the one who is always blamed, punished, etc. for nothing).

The scapegoat is the weakest link, and power moving on him, projecting anger on him, maintains the homeostasis of the system while costing "less" than any other solution.

Now we have an explanation for this based purely on power dynamics.

Interesting proposition, Bel.

I think there are a few other dynamics at play on the topic of "why power-unaware and more passive people get more cr@p".

for example, I sometimes find my own anger mounting in the presence of people who are very passive and cannot manage to speak up and speak clearly even when I have no beef with anyone else.

Not saying any of these apply to you -indeed, from the story you related, you never came across as overly passive to me-.

But in general, I think the other reasons include:

The passive type feels slimy. He/she wants something from you, but doesn't ask clearly, which feels slimy (social manipulation)

The anger for "not being man enough": some men don't respect people who are too weak. The passive and power unaware not only doesn't gain respect, but gains the "opposite" of respect, anger and disgust

The passive type is like a black hole that attracts higher emotions. A normal conversation should be a two-way street. But when one party "says less than necessary", they end up forcing you to give more. And that includes the anger that, while in a normal person it would be checked and traded, with them goes one way only

The "being cheated" feeling: when you feel like you're the only one with the courage, assertiveness, and even honesty to speak up, you feel cheated for not getting anything back. In a way, it's a lose-win proposition

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 11:09 am

The power-unaware person is the EASY OUTLET: he or she gets most of the anger and power moves going on between other power-aware people

The above story contains a concept which I frequently used to experience, but that I never was able to really, deeply understand until now.

The concept is this:

Power-unawareness begets most of the "system" anger and power moves, if only because other power players see the power-unaware person as the EASIEST OUTLET and as the FASTEST AND MOST OPEN PATH TO TRIANGULATION

In other words:

If A and B are power-aware, and engaged in a power struggle, they both know subconsciously that openly power moving or projecting anger against each other is a losing proposition.

Each of them subconsciously understands that there will be a price to pay for that.

The reasoning is the same behind the concept that revenge is usually costly, and that it is better to "resume playing the game" than "focusing on revenge" after becoming power aware.

For example, if A power moves on B, B can check the power move and gain power at the expense of A.

Or, B could go meta. Or, B could retaliate.

But if A and B both work with the young trainee C, and C is power UNaware, then it is obvious that any power struggle between A and B is going to be played mostly through attacking C.

C, after all, is unaware by definition. This means that:

C will not retaliate. C will not check power moves. The risks inherent in power moving on C, projecting anger at C, demeaning C, humiliating C, are much much lower.

And, if A wants to cause damage to B, and C is working for B at that moment, attacking C has the bonus of triangulating and damaging B by proxy.

That explains why I got the brunt of power moves, anger and all the rest of the shit by these bastards while I was power unaware.

Including in cases where I was not responsible of anything in the slightest.

This is key, and finally solves a big conundrum in my head.

I simply could not understand why so many people had ill-will toward me even though I always tried to "do as they wanted".

Well, it was precisely because of this that they behaved so dastardly toward me.

Incidentally, this is one dynamic that thoroughly, finally explains both my family's, and my former workplace's behavior.

I got the brunt of everything that was going on between others.

I believe this is tied to what is colloquially known as "being the scapegoat" (ie the one who is always blamed, punished, etc. for nothing).

The scapegoat is the weakest link, and power moving on him, projecting anger on him, maintains the homeostasis of the system while costing "less" than any other solution.

Now we have an explanation for this based purely on power dynamics.

Interesting proposition, Bel.

I think there are a few other dynamics at play on the topic of "why power-unaware and more passive people get more cr@p".

for example, I sometimes find my own anger mounting in the presence of people who are very passive and cannot manage to speak up and speak clearly even when I have no beef with anyone else.

Not saying any of these apply to you -indeed, from the story you related, you never came across as overly passive to me-.

But in general, I think the other reasons include:

The passive type feels slimy. He/she wants something from you, but doesn't ask clearly, which feels slimy (social manipulation)
The anger for "not being man enough": some men don't respect people who are too weak. The passive and power unaware not only doesn't gain respect, but gains the "opposite" of respect, anger and disgust
The passive type is like a black hole that attracts higher emotions. A normal conversation should be a two-way street. But when one party "says less than necessary", they end up forcing you to give more. And that includes the anger that, while in a normal person it would be checked and traded, with them goes one way only
The "being cheated" feeling: when you feel like you're the only one with the courage, assertiveness, and even honesty to speak up, you feel cheated for not getting anything back. In a way, it's a lose-win proposition

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#762 · September 16, 2023, 6:13 pm

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 6:13 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 16, 2023, 5:44 pm

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 11:09 am

The power-unaware person is the EASY OUTLET: he or she gets most of the anger and power moves going on between other power-aware people

The above story contains a concept which I frequently used to experience, but that I never was able to really, deeply understand until now.

The concept is this:

Power-unawareness begets most of the "system" anger and power moves, if only because other power players see the power-unaware person as the EASIEST OUTLET and as the FASTEST AND MOST OPEN PATH TO TRIANGULATION

In other words:

If A and B are power-aware, and engaged in a power struggle, they both know subconsciously that openly power moving or projecting anger against each other is a losing proposition.

Each of them subconsciously understands that there will be a price to pay for that.

The reasoning is the same behind the concept that revenge is usually costly, and that it is better to "resume playing the game" than "focusing on revenge" after becoming power aware.

For example, if A power moves on B, B can check the power move and gain power at the expense of A.

Or, B could go meta. Or, B could retaliate.

But if A and B both work with the young trainee C, and C is power UNaware, then it is obvious that any power struggle between A and B is going to be played mostly through attacking C.

C, after all, is unaware by definition. This means that:

C will not retaliate. C will not check power moves. The risks inherent in power moving on C, projecting anger at C, demeaning C, humiliating C, are much much lower.

And, if A wants to cause damage to B, and C is working for B at that moment, attacking C has the bonus of triangulating and damaging B by proxy.

That explains why I got the brunt of power moves, anger and all the rest of the shit by these bastards while I was power unaware.

Including in cases where I was not responsible of anything in the slightest.

This is key, and finally solves a big conundrum in my head.

I simply could not understand why so many people had ill-will toward me even though I always tried to "do as they wanted".

Well, it was precisely because of this that they behaved so dastardly toward me.

Incidentally, this is one dynamic that thoroughly, finally explains both my family's, and my former workplace's behavior.

I got the brunt of everything that was going on between others.

I believe this is tied to what is colloquially known as "being the scapegoat" (ie the one who is always blamed, punished, etc. for nothing).

The scapegoat is the weakest link, and power moving on him, projecting anger on him, maintains the homeostasis of the system while costing "less" than any other solution.

Now we have an explanation for this based purely on power dynamics.

Interesting proposition, Bel.

I think there are a few other dynamics at play on the topic of "why power-unaware and more passive people get more cr@p".

for example, I sometimes find my own anger mounting in the presence of people who are very passive and cannot manage to speak up and speak clearly even when I have no beef with anyone else.

Not saying any of these apply to you -indeed, from the story you related, you never came across as overly passive to me-.

But in general, I think the other reasons include:

The passive type feels slimy. He/she wants something from you, but doesn't ask clearly, which feels slimy (social manipulation)

The anger for "not being man enough": some men don't respect people who are too weak. The passive and power unaware not only doesn't gain respect, but gains the "opposite" of respect, anger and disgust

The passive type is like a black hole that attracts higher emotions. A normal conversation should be a two-way street. But when one party "says less than necessary", they end up forcing you to give more. And that includes the anger that, while in a normal person it would be checked and traded, with them goes one way only

The "being cheated" feeling: when you feel like you're the only one with the courage, assertiveness, and even honesty to speak up, you feel cheated for not getting anything back. In a way, it's a lose-win proposition

Thank you Lucio.

It's interesting,

In other words, if I understand correctly, people don't like overly submissive people because they feel the submissive types demand too much in the interaction / are trying to covertly turn the social balance in their way.

While I would surmise that at least a portion of it is a form of projection (ie the anger at the "passive man" really seems a form of rejection of the disowned part of oneself), it's probably a very frequent projection. And all the rest is spot on as well.

The interesting thing is that it is probably so even when the "passiveness/submissiveness" has been encouraged by a manipulator. In other words, the manipulator himself is going to resent the submissive/manipulated guy for "falling for it".

I guess this is another point to be added to the "how manipulators isolate people" list.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 16, 2023, 5:44 pm

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 11:09 am

The power-unaware person is the EASY OUTLET: he or she gets most of the anger and power moves going on between other power-aware people

The above story contains a concept which I frequently used to experience, but that I never was able to really, deeply understand until now.

The concept is this:

Power-unawareness begets most of the "system" anger and power moves, if only because other power players see the power-unaware person as the EASIEST OUTLET and as the FASTEST AND MOST OPEN PATH TO TRIANGULATION

In other words:

If A and B are power-aware, and engaged in a power struggle, they both know subconsciously that openly power moving or projecting anger against each other is a losing proposition.

Each of them subconsciously understands that there will be a price to pay for that.

The reasoning is the same behind the concept that revenge is usually costly, and that it is better to "resume playing the game" than "focusing on revenge" after becoming power aware.

For example, if A power moves on B, B can check the power move and gain power at the expense of A.

Or, B could go meta. Or, B could retaliate.

But if A and B both work with the young trainee C, and C is power UNaware, then it is obvious that any power struggle between A and B is going to be played mostly through attacking C.

C, after all, is unaware by definition. This means that:

C will not retaliate. C will not check power moves. The risks inherent in power moving on C, projecting anger at C, demeaning C, humiliating C, are much much lower.

And, if A wants to cause damage to B, and C is working for B at that moment, attacking C has the bonus of triangulating and damaging B by proxy.

That explains why I got the brunt of power moves, anger and all the rest of the shit by these bastards while I was power unaware.

Including in cases where I was not responsible of anything in the slightest.

This is key, and finally solves a big conundrum in my head.

I simply could not understand why so many people had ill-will toward me even though I always tried to "do as they wanted".

Well, it was precisely because of this that they behaved so dastardly toward me.

Incidentally, this is one dynamic that thoroughly, finally explains both my family's, and my former workplace's behavior.

I got the brunt of everything that was going on between others.

I believe this is tied to what is colloquially known as "being the scapegoat" (ie the one who is always blamed, punished, etc. for nothing).

The scapegoat is the weakest link, and power moving on him, projecting anger on him, maintains the homeostasis of the system while costing "less" than any other solution.

Now we have an explanation for this based purely on power dynamics.

Interesting proposition, Bel.

I think there are a few other dynamics at play on the topic of "why power-unaware and more passive people get more cr@p".

for example, I sometimes find my own anger mounting in the presence of people who are very passive and cannot manage to speak up and speak clearly even when I have no beef with anyone else.

Not saying any of these apply to you -indeed, from the story you related, you never came across as overly passive to me-.

But in general, I think the other reasons include:

The passive type feels slimy. He/she wants something from you, but doesn't ask clearly, which feels slimy (social manipulation)

The anger for "not being man enough": some men don't respect people who are too weak. The passive and power unaware not only doesn't gain respect, but gains the "opposite" of respect, anger and disgust

The passive type is like a black hole that attracts higher emotions. A normal conversation should be a two-way street. But when one party "says less than necessary", they end up forcing you to give more. And that includes the anger that, while in a normal person it would be checked and traded, with them goes one way only

The "being cheated" feeling: when you feel like you're the only one with the courage, assertiveness, and even honesty to speak up, you feel cheated for not getting anything back. In a way, it's a lose-win proposition

Thank you Lucio.

It's interesting,

In other words, if I understand correctly, people don't like overly submissive people because they feel the submissive types demand too much in the interaction / are trying to covertly turn the social balance in their way.

While I would surmise that at least a portion of it is a form of projection (ie the anger at the "passive man" really seems a form of rejection of the disowned part of oneself), it's probably a very frequent projection. And all the rest is spot on as well.

The interesting thing is that it is probably so even when the "passiveness/submissiveness" has been encouraged by a manipulator. In other words, the manipulator himself is going to resent the submissive/manipulated guy for "falling for it".

I guess this is another point to be added to the "how manipulators isolate people" list.

Power Duck has reacted to this post.

#763 · September 16, 2023, 6:45 pm

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 6:45 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 16, 2023, 5:31 pm

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 10:59 am

How to triangulate a lawyer to obtain a discount from another lawyer

I connected the dots on this just yesterday.

It happened years ago.

I had gotten to know this man (who was an acquaintance of a distant relative) who phoned me in frenzy because his former lawyer had just lost a criminal lawsuit where he (my acquaintance) was indicted, and now he risked going having his driving license suspended (he was a truck driver and thus needed it to work).

He asked me if I could examine the judgment and take care of the appeal in lieu of his former lawyer.

I studied the judgment and thought a great deal about it.

Then, before I could tell him what I thought, he phoned me again: he asked me if I could accompany him to a meeting with his former lawyer. Said lawyer wanted to talk about the judgment, and what to do.

I said yes, that I would accompany him.

When we got to this law firm, the other lawyer asked me if I was a lawyer, and as soon as we all were seated, this ensued:

Other lawyer: I can't believe this. I just can't believe this. I would NEVER have accepted to accompany a person to another lawyer as a lawyer myself.

Me: I am accompanying him as a friend, not as "another lawyer".

Other lawyer: (very angrily and escalating the tone): Let's not tell BULLSHIT among ourselves.

Me: (taken aback): You are really unpleasant.

Other lawyer: OUT! Go out of my firm. I can't believe you come here and you have the courage to tell me I am unpleasant!

Me: Don't worry, I'm going out myself. (to the person I accompanied): I'll see you later.

* click on blockquote to expand

I remember that the person I accompanied told me that his former lawyer had concluded the meeting by saying that the client could go "with them, or even with me if he wanted".

The interesting thing is that the client did not contact me again about this, and basically went to appeal the case with his previous lawyer.

Then I remember taking distance from the person I had accompanied and stopping responding to his calls.

Now I see that, while my behavior could have probably been improved in several respects here, the bigger picture here was that:

this guy wanted me to accompany him mostly to create the impression of a possible alternative, to have his former lawyer lower the fees for the appeal.

My mere presence there was intended to serve as an incentive for the other lawyer to lower his fees (and NOT as a way of "understanding things better", as he had told me when asking me).

In turn, the other lawyer was probably subconsciously angry at his client for using this ploy. But since expressing anger at the person who was paying was not possible, the anger was instantly redirected at me (who was the "unaware party").

Drats.

Crazy story.

Yeah, if you wanted to "win" the client, would have been better to either say you are a lawyer, acting as such, or refusing to leave until you both should lave (and then the "client" would be forced out of the other firm as well and probably come to you).

Probably better to lose those clients anyway.

Still, to look at the positive, a great experience.

Today and as you grow, you want to refuse to go anywhere without a commitment or with something coming to you (high investment for free is no good).
But to learn, it was Ok.

Thank you for this as well.

The most interesting thing is that, I would still do something similar, for free, for a friend.

So I guess I'm not over it yet.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 16, 2023, 5:31 pm

Quote from Bel on September 16, 2023, 10:59 am

How to triangulate a lawyer to obtain a discount from another lawyer

I connected the dots on this just yesterday.

It happened years ago.

I had gotten to know this man (who was an acquaintance of a distant relative) who phoned me in frenzy because his former lawyer had just lost a criminal lawsuit where he (my acquaintance) was indicted, and now he risked going having his driving license suspended (he was a truck driver and thus needed it to work).

He asked me if I could examine the judgment and take care of the appeal in lieu of his former lawyer.

I studied the judgment and thought a great deal about it.

Then, before I could tell him what I thought, he phoned me again: he asked me if I could accompany him to a meeting with his former lawyer. Said lawyer wanted to talk about the judgment, and what to do.

I said yes, that I would accompany him.

When we got to this law firm, the other lawyer asked me if I was a lawyer, and as soon as we all were seated, this ensued:

Other lawyer: I can't believe this. I just can't believe this. I would NEVER have accepted to accompany a person to another lawyer as a lawyer myself.

Me: I am accompanying him as a friend, not as "another lawyer".

Other lawyer: (very angrily and escalating the tone): Let's not tell BULLSHIT among ourselves.

Me: (taken aback): You are really unpleasant.

Other lawyer: OUT! Go out of my firm. I can't believe you come here and you have the courage to tell me I am unpleasant!

Me: Don't worry, I'm going out myself. (to the person I accompanied): I'll see you later.

* click on blockquote to expand

I remember that the person I accompanied told me that his former lawyer had concluded the meeting by saying that the client could go "with them, or even with me if he wanted".

The interesting thing is that the client did not contact me again about this, and basically went to appeal the case with his previous lawyer.

Then I remember taking distance from the person I had accompanied and stopping responding to his calls.

Now I see that, while my behavior could have probably been improved in several respects here, the bigger picture here was that:

this guy wanted me to accompany him mostly to create the impression of a possible alternative, to have his former lawyer lower the fees for the appeal.

My mere presence there was intended to serve as an incentive for the other lawyer to lower his fees (and NOT as a way of "understanding things better", as he had told me when asking me).

In turn, the other lawyer was probably subconsciously angry at his client for using this ploy. But since expressing anger at the person who was paying was not possible, the anger was instantly redirected at me (who was the "unaware party").

Drats.

Crazy story.

Yeah, if you wanted to "win" the client, would have been better to either say you are a lawyer, acting as such, or refusing to leave until you both should lave (and then the "client" would be forced out of the other firm as well and probably come to you).

Probably better to lose those clients anyway.

Still, to look at the positive, a great experience.

Today and as you grow, you want to refuse to go anywhere without a commitment or with something coming to you (high investment for free is no good).
But to learn, it was Ok.

Thank you for this as well.

The most interesting thing is that, I would still do something similar, for free, for a friend.

So I guess I'm not over it yet.

#764 · September 16, 2023, 7:20 pm

I suppose part of the problem is that, to me, everyone was a friend.

#765 · September 16, 2023, 7:51 pm

Friend is different for sure -"real" and good friend, at least-.

But if a guy you don't know who asks for big investment without even talking about what's in it for you or trying to repay... Big red flag in itself.

As for projection, I personally don't think that's the case.
But I don't know for sure, my take is that the further away you move from the fact and the deeper into the psyche you look for various reasons, the more you're in the realm of speculation, conjectures, and storytelling (reason why I never was a fan of psychoanalysis).
But who knows...

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#766 · September 19, 2023, 12:33 pm

I find that I am losing some motivation in my work.

I have reflected on this and I believe it's tied to several factors:

I gave it all in my work to become independent of my family. Now that I'm relatively "able to get by", I lost some of the drive
I became a lawyer to unconsciously "protect myself" from takers and manipulators. Now that I'm more at ease in that respect, I am starting not to like so much the constant conflict inherent in my work
I changed. I am different than I was. My preferences are changing as well, and I don't really know how and in what direction
I am starting to concentrate in other areas of self-development, that before were totally blocked for me
I don't really understand if I'm becoming more "bad", or just more accepting of reality. Sometimes I have this feeling that I'm not behaving well, and I ask myself if my former self was more "kinder", if only by thanking people more, being more warm. I lost some warmth. I don't understand if my feeling is still my former conditioning by the takers in my life, or if I really lost something and am starting to be less empathetic.

I sometimes feel like taking a big one-year vacation would be good...

Lucio Buffalmano, John Freeman and Mats G have reacted to this post.

#767 · September 19, 2023, 1:16 pm

At the same time, so far there's been no "big breakthrough" in my work.

I did not get rich.

Clients didn't start pouring in suddenly.

I am seeing that everything I do has a very slow return rate. And sometimes clients still go "off radar" suddenly.

The only difference is that now I'm not pushing them for answers.

Or maybe I'm still making big mistakes I'm not seeing... which is a possibility. I could be going too far the other way with respect to my prior behavior.

I wonder how my former boss was able to get to that level of success by being a totally evil man so fast, while I struggle inch by inch.

Maybe the learning is that true success is possible only by really not caring about people and behaving in a machiavellian way. I don't know.

Lucio Buffalmano and John Freeman have reacted to this post.

#768 · September 19, 2023, 2:11 pm

Quote from Bel on September 19, 2023, 12:33 pm

I sometimes feel like taking a big one-year vacation would be good...

Could be an idea.

The thing about one year is that it feels such a big thing that most people would never go for it.

You could consider shortening that to 6, 3, or even 1 month, and then it becomes a lot more doable. And then you can start planning for it.

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#769 · September 19, 2023, 6:41 pm

Quote from John Freeman on September 19, 2023, 6:41 pm
Hello Bel,

I gave it all in my work to become independent of my family. Now that I'm relatively "able to get by", I lost some of the drive

I think this adventure is worth it. Becoming independent from your family is a HUGE step for anyone. At least it was for me. So big step in self-development I believe.

About losing the drive: I experimented the same. To go for growth when one is already comfortable is a big challenge. As it's now "us facing us". There's nothing at stake than our own drive to succeed. And like a fire it needs wood. It's up to us to find the wood to fuel the fire. It's challenging by nature. It's now 5 years that I'm working and I understood little by little why so many people were staying in the comfort. I was judging it as a teenager/young adult. But now I understand: why would someone work so hard if they don't have a strong reason to do so? Answer: they don't. So we need to fabricate a strong reason to push us higher. That's how I see it.

I don't really understand if I'm becoming more "bad", or just more accepting of reality. Sometimes I have this feeling that I'm not behaving well, and I ask myself if my former self was more "kinder", if only by thanking people more, being more warm. I lost some warmth. I don't understand if my feeling is still my former conditioning by the takers in my life, or if I really lost something and am starting to be less empathetic.

I personally am very doubtful that you became a worse person. I think it's more of the latter (accepting reality). The World contains beauty and kindness. It's not about that. I think it's becoming stronger and sometimes becoming stronger means feeling less. For instance the article from Lucio about alpha males: "fuck feelings". So there's a tradeoff here. If we aim to become stronger and more powerful, there is a price to pay I think. Not becoming a worst person but less careless, less naive (my words). And sometimes it feels like we lose our innocence. I think it's true and we do lose our innocence. And it's a good thing when our goal is to become a mature person. However, there is a price. One important thing is that it could also be temporary. As when we built our strength we might see that it's too much and that we need to swing the pendulum in the other direction. I think it's a normal process to be embraced.

Or maybe I'm still making big mistakes I'm not seeing... which is a possibility. I could be going too far the other way with respect to my prior behavior.

Yes it's probably the case. Still, it's part of the learning process I believe. Being an independent lawyer is not supposed to be an easy endeavour. So I think you can be proud of where you are. It's just that it takes time to grow a business.

I wonder how my former boss was able to get to that level of success by being a totally evil man so fast, while I struggle inch by inch.

This reminds me again of Yoda :

“Is the dark side stronger?” Luke asks. “No, no, no,” Yoda assures him. “Quicker, easier, more seductive.”

I think the person you become in the struggle of doing things as an eagle is worth the struggle. Without the struggle I think there is no transformation. It's not about masochism, it's about change. And as you know I think change requires effort therefore is painful.

Maybe the learning is that true success is possible only by really not caring about people and behaving in a machiavellian way. I don't know.

I don't think so. It might appear like that. The inner world of the person who succeeds while holding the torch is not the same as the one of the person who stole and lied. Again I personally think it's worth it.

To me your doubts are part of the normal journey of self-transformation and growing a business. It's challenging but you're doing it. So mad respect for it. It's a period in time I believe. Who knows where you'll be in 10 or 20 years?

I hope this makes sense for you.

Hello Bel,

I gave it all in my work to become independent of my family. Now that I'm relatively "able to get by", I lost some of the drive

I think this adventure is worth it. Becoming independent from your family is a HUGE step for anyone. At least it was for me. So big step in self-development I believe.

About losing the drive: I experimented the same. To go for growth when one is already comfortable is a big challenge. As it's now "us facing us". There's nothing at stake than our own drive to succeed. And like a fire it needs wood. It's up to us to find the wood to fuel the fire. It's challenging by nature. It's now 5 years that I'm working and I understood little by little why so many people were staying in the comfort. I was judging it as a teenager/young adult. But now I understand: why would someone work so hard if they don't have a strong reason to do so? Answer: they don't. So we need to fabricate a strong reason to push us higher. That's how I see it.

I don't really understand if I'm becoming more "bad", or just more accepting of reality. Sometimes I have this feeling that I'm not behaving well, and I ask myself if my former self was more "kinder", if only by thanking people more, being more warm. I lost some warmth. I don't understand if my feeling is still my former conditioning by the takers in my life, or if I really lost something and am starting to be less empathetic.

I personally am very doubtful that you became a worse person. I think it's more of the latter (accepting reality). The World contains beauty and kindness. It's not about that. I think it's becoming stronger and sometimes becoming stronger means feeling less. For instance the article from Lucio about alpha males: "fuck feelings". So there's a tradeoff here. If we aim to become stronger and more powerful, there is a price to pay I think. Not becoming a worst person but less careless, less naive (my words). And sometimes it feels like we lose our innocence. I think it's true and we do lose our innocence. And it's a good thing when our goal is to become a mature person. However, there is a price. One important thing is that it could also be temporary. As when we built our strength we might see that it's too much and that we need to swing the pendulum in the other direction. I think it's a normal process to be embraced.

Or maybe I'm still making big mistakes I'm not seeing... which is a possibility. I could be going too far the other way with respect to my prior behavior.

Yes it's probably the case. Still, it's part of the learning process I believe. Being an independent lawyer is not supposed to be an easy endeavour. So I think you can be proud of where you are. It's just that it takes time to grow a business.

I wonder how my former boss was able to get to that level of success by being a totally evil man so fast, while I struggle inch by inch.

This reminds me again of Yoda :

“Is the dark side stronger?” Luke asks. “No, no, no,” Yoda assures him. “Quicker, easier, more seductive.”

I think the person you become in the struggle of doing things as an eagle is worth the struggle. Without the struggle I think there is no transformation. It's not about masochism, it's about change. And as you know I think change requires effort therefore is painful.

Maybe the learning is that true success is possible only by really not caring about people and behaving in a machiavellian way. I don't know.

I don't think so. It might appear like that. The inner world of the person who succeeds while holding the torch is not the same as the one of the person who stole and lied. Again I personally think it's worth it.

To me your doubts are part of the normal journey of self-transformation and growing a business. It's challenging but you're doing it. So mad respect for it. It's a period in time I believe. Who knows where you'll be in 10 or 20 years?

I hope this makes sense for you.

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#770 · September 19, 2023, 8:04 pm

Thank you so much John,

for the spot on perspective and the kind words. A great great post that made my day better for sure.

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