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Can we escape the judge role?
Hello guys,
a couple weeks ago, Lucio and Matthew exchanged around the judge role. I cannot find the thread again. Anyway, I wondered:
"Can we relate to one another without the judge role?
As I already stated, I prefer to relate to others as equal. It's much more fun and enriching in my experience. So when I got aware that I was also being the judge sometimes I wondered: "can't we just relate to one another as equals?"
My answer is: yes and no. Yes we can relate to one another as equals. No we cannot escape the judge role.
Why do I think that?
Because we are emotional beings. We are not neutral like machines. Our experiences and subjectivity color our current experience. So in most situation most of the time we will have a positive or a negative evaluation of something.
Therefore, we will judge things as good or bad. I'm aware this is relative. But that is how we make our decisions. We move away from what is undesirable (pain) and to what is desirable (pleasure). That is a very general statement.
What to do with this idea?
Well, it goes back to being a positive judge. To having positive expectations for people around us. That is my solution. And also not to use this to manipulate people. Here, manipulation as a win-lose tactics to get our way. So if we want the best for us and the others, then judging them is ok as there is no way out of it. We will judge whatever we think or do. The matter is who, how and when are we going to judge and for what purpose?
So, I'm proud to be a positive judge and I acknowledge it.
I'm happy to learn about your opinion on the topic.
Hey John,
It's an interesting thought.
One thing I'd like to make clear, and I'm aware it can be confusing, is that judging, judge, and having judge power, overlap, but they're all different.
To clarify:
- Judging = I think Mark not a high value guy (but I'm not necessarily expressing this to him, so no judge dynamics are set in motion)
- Judge role = "Mark, I expected better from you, and I must say, I'm disappointed" (ie.: I'm judging you as not being good enough)
- Judge power = (Mark feels bad and tries to prove himself to be good)
So, yes, I agree with you for both steps 1 and 2.
Steps 3 ultimately depends on the receiver, which is also why knowing about judge dynamics is empowering, since it can remove a potential hook for manipulators and value-taking judges.
But, more often than not, if there is some emotional connection between the judge and the judged, and even more so if the receiver looks up and/or respects the judge, then chances are good that you also can't 100% escape the power consequences of the judge role -but, as you also say, this doesn't have to be value-taking and can as well be value-giving-.
a couple weeks ago, Lucio and Matthew exchanged around the judge role. I cannot find the thread again.
I don't remember this.
You have an excellent memory.
Would it be the thread on the power dynamics of compliments?
Compliment Power Moves: Compliment Them for Fitting Your Frame Or Framing a Remark as a Compliment
Personal Opinion
Lucio helped a lot in clearing up the differences in the 3 terms.
I think most of us constantly judge others.
In a way, to craft and maximise our own social environment by letting the right people into our lives.
As for escaping the judge role, I think the only way would be for someone to have no influence on our lives.
And that would be like a stranger.
At the same time, there are ways where you can let other people feel less judged.
For example, to address a problem of a friend, something along the lines of
I'm here to listen and understand the nature of the situation.
If you would like my thoughts later on, I can share, and we can discuss this together.
Lucio, thanks for the clarification on the terms. It is definitely important to clarify. I did not see those terms in the dictionary. Worth adding?
So yes, I was talking in the sense that we are judging others as in 1. and we behave as in 2. and we end up having the influence on other people through 3.
I meant we cannot not judge the World and therefore other people around us. We cannot be neutral in our interactions with other people, most of the times. Either we gain something after the interaction or we lost something.
So our judging can be value-adding as you mention in the other thread about compliments.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 19, 2021, 1:11 pm99% of compliments are good, and you don't need to worry about them they're value-giving.
Matthew. Yes, that's the one thread. I'm going to read it. I haven't yet.
In a way, to craft and maximise our own social environment by letting the right people into our lives.
Definitely. Also to feel superior to others by comparison, which we tend to do a lot.
As for escaping the judge role, I think the only way would be for someone to have no influence on our lives.
And that would be like a stranger.
Agreed.
At the same time, there are ways where you can let other people feel less judged.
Yes, of course we can suspend judgment. That's what I'm doing most of the time. I accept people as they are. However, I do have an opinion on their actions or their character (judgment). If someone asks me, I have an opinion. I just don't let it color my emotional acceptance of the other person or their thoughts.
I accept who the other person has chosen to be. But I don't always accept their words or actions.
So that was my point: we can accept people but I do think we always have a positive or negative evaluation of their actions and/or character.
Even in my profession, sometimes someone will say: "I'm not judging" but the person is judging (It happened to me). We just choose to hide or not to express it.
What do you guys think on my answer?
My goal is to clarify the topic even further.
Yes, there is a way to escape the judge role. A few, in fact:
Summary:
1. No-one else is really caring or self conscious about your self consciousness. As Julian puts in his words, "No one is caring about you. You are a side character in a movie (to other people). You are not James Bond (to other people). This is empowering because you don't have to act cool all the time and all the pressure is gone to personify yourself. Relax. Even when you see a person running around naked with zero clothes on due to their mental illness, people don't care. They might stare but they immediately resume their boring lives.
2. No one ever has the power or ability to approve/disapprove of you. Why? Because they don't "know you." They don't know what you have been through. They don't know your childhood. They don't know your credentials. It is not possible for someone to know your life experience. Because people don't know you, even if they make an opinion of you, it is totally their projection. Even if you inform them of your background they have never experienced it exactly as you and therefore, they don't know. To judge someone is an illogical argument. For someone to judge you and for you to buy into their judgement is illogical and has no sense. Think it through.
3. Regardless of getting disapproval or approval.......you are a slave to another persons projection. Knowing this, someone else's opinion will not enhance you or lower you. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may (that is from Tylers (Owen Cook's) Blueprint Decoded. "The secret of a natural is to fully be yourself and just let the chips fall where they may.")
Thank you Oli, I will watch the video and comment on it. However, this is the opposite of the question asked in this thread.
This thread asks: "Can we escape being the judge?" (the posts above)
Not "Can we escape being/feeling judged?" (your post)
Oli, do you think we can escape being the judge?
At the same time, there are ways where you can let other people feel less judged.
For example, to address a problem of a friend, something along the lines of
Yes, this is also something important for maintaining good relationships, especially when you're in the leader position.
And it's an important concept because it means that you can judge, but without being a negative judge to others.
That allows you to maintain good working relationships even with people you don't approve of.
And it's also useful in close relationships.
If you make others feel overly judged, they might clam up and stop sharing their true selves, and that would eventually hurt the relationship.
And it's an important concept because it means that you can judge, but without being a negative judge to others.
I think it's the best way to put it using the concepts you described above.
That allows you to maintain good working relationships even with people you don't approve of.
And it's also useful in close relationships.
If you make others feel overly judged, they might clam up and stop sharing their true selves, and that would eventually hurt the relationship.
So important.
Useful information! I'd love to learn more about it.
I will try to find this thread
a couple weeks ago, Lucio and Matthew exchanged around the judge role. I cannot find the thread again.
Do you remember if this was an independent thread or some posts in the feedback mega thread?
