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Demeaning Joke and Virtue Signalling Case Study

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Plenty of great answers here!

My take in the original power move:

Don'be silly. Then addressing the whole group, including the asshole. I'm happy that I'll get to work you again, guys!

To the woman I would just say:

Thank you, girl! You are the best

In both cases: high warmth, high power. Strong and clear voice, eye contact, smile/quick laugh on your face (as if you had just heard a little kid say something adorable).

To the woman you can add a slight, friendly touch on her shoulder, slightly longer eye contact. She was siding with you, so she deserves extra-warmth. But you turn the tables and frame yourself as the highest power instead.

In any case, take charge of the conversation right away:

So, tell me. What are the latest news at the office?

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Lucio BuffalmanoBelDGX37Power Duck

Yes, great inputs indeed.

Some more on the dominant/aggressive end, but I wouldn't necessarily eliminate them.

For example, I also felt that Bel's original approach was great in the set up -the surfacing-, but "too much" in the "dumb asshole" reply.

On the other hand, to sometimes go very strong -ie., maybe have the "asshole" in there, without "dumb"- may be great for learning:

You go overboard maybe the first time, but you can still learn a lot from it, including how to recover, and the courage to go overboard.

If you always stay within the safe zone, it may be harder sometimes to push back very strongly -even when needed-.

Some random notes:

Quote from Transitioned on May 21, 2023, 11:03 am

How about - hey you can't bully your bro.   Bros forever (with a Fist bump or Fist over heart)

I like the approach of changing the frame from "you VS me" to "we're friends".

On the other hand, after an attack of that type, in my opinion it's too high risk of falling under the "don't offer the bitten hand" rule you came up with (awesome name/concept by the way!).
Especially because there are more people.

In my opinoin, if it were just the two of you, it would work better.

With other people around, you may want to be more assertive just to make a public point.

Quote from Kavalier on May 22, 2023, 6:03 am

Plenty of great answers here!

My take in the original power move:

Don'be silly. Then addressing the whole group, including the asshole. I'm happy that I'll get to work you again, guys!

To the woman I would just say:

Thank you, girl! You are the best

In both cases: high warmth, high power. Strong and clear voice, eye contact, smile/quick laugh on your face (as if you had just heard a little kid say something adorable).

I like these.

I'd personally still address it, but they're solid to minimize the loss: quick brush-off without giving it much power, and then leadng the way.

The key is to deliver it high confidence, and like all means little to you (ie.; it's an opportunity for vibing and some fun, but inconsequential).

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KavalierBelDGX37Power Duck
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Great case study DGX37!

I really like a lot of the ideas of how to re-empower oneself in the situation - thanks guys.

 

My initial two response ideas are along the lines of:

Guy: By the way, when you will be back? ( To me )
Me: Monday
Guy: Oh, we will have someone to bully ( Joking tone )
Me: Will you now? (Questioning tone)

Aim would be to show his hand with very little investment. Show the hand technique whilst isolating him as the only potential future perpetrator. Next, similar to Bel's depends on where the guys takes it next.

Guy: By the way, when you will be back? ( To me )
Me: Monday
Guy: Oh, we will have someone to bully ( Joking tone )
Me: Maybe not Monday then (questioning tone, intense eye contact to the Guy)

Aim would be to throw the ball back at the Guy see how he responds - put the pressure on and see if he backtracks.

 

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Lucio BuffalmanoPower Duck

Quote from Bel on May 21, 2023, 11:55 am

I wouldn't worry about that - IMO it would be a very good thing, and the respect of the group for you would skyrocket.

My POV on this is: he spoke of bullying you.

That's enough to warrant a strong pushback.

If he can joke about bullying you, for sure you can insult him jokingly.

If need be, you can also tone down the words I suggested.

I really needed to hear that, thank you. As I reflect I still am very avoidant of any conflict so I feel unease whenever I think about strong response, especially if there's possibility that threat would pass itself ( wishful thinking ), but perspective that hitting back hard is reasonable, and you can gain status from it even if you break the general mood is amazing.

Shows that you will not step back even against the whole group if the situation is not in your favor, very high power.

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Lucio BuffalmanoKavalierBel

Another relatively simple option:

Frame flip.

Guy: By the way, when you will be back? ( To me )
You: Monday
Guy: Oh, we will have someone to bully ( Joking tone )
You: You bet. We're gonna bully the shit out of you mate (smiles)

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KavalierBelPower Duck
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Doh!  Same mistake twice.  I m going to rember forever.

Could we also use the SJW approach because bullying is a loaded word.

"I know we re just joking.  But be a bit careful of saying bullying.  It might trigger some people." (Very quiet and calm)

And them bridge back.

Anyway we re all mates here.  Good catching guys talk soon.  (Happy high energy vibe)

 

 

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Lucio BuffalmanoBelDGX37
Quote from Transitioned on May 23, 2023, 5:36 am

Doh!  Same mistake twice.  I m going to rember forever.

Could we also use the SJW approach because bullying is a loaded word.

"I know we re just joking.  But be a bit careful of saying bullying.  It might trigger some people." (Very quiet and calm)

And them bridge back.

Anyway we re all mates here.  Good catching guys talk soon.  (Happy high energy vibe)

Yeah, good one, I like this one a lot.

The "it may trigger some people" also a great move: it's implied you didn't like it, but also show your personal power of not taking things too personally and making it about the general principle instead.
But the message to the speaker still lands very clearly.

Plus, very high power as it comes from a frame of "those who manage the culture", like a boss or owner -and above him in the hierarchy-.

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KavalierJack LesBel
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Great thread also to make a great point:

The techniques and approaches one can use are almost endless.

It shows that once you develop the awareness of the power dynamics and the personal power and confidence to push back, defend yourself, or enforce boundaries, then you're 90% done.

After than, learning the techniques is the icing on the cake and can be done quickly because you truly can do a ton of things.
And most of them are going to be good if you come from the right mindset.

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