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Emotional intelligence to preserve relationships: get physically close when you're verbally disempowering someone

Interviewer: He was struck by you, what was your reaction to him
Her: Nothing (makes a joke about it) I thought he was nice, but... Look, we've been married 35 years now (implies that because now they're good and because eventually she loved him, it's OK to share)ย 
Her: (Grabs his hand in preparation of sharing a potentially value-taking story)

Grabbing his hand is both a signal towards him as if to say "I love you now", and as a public signal, as if to say "we're together now".

I think she's an awesome woman by the way.

And also very power-aware.
When little later he says "she's not telling what happened", that's very dominant and potentially disempowering to her.
It might because he feels like he needs to regain some of the power.
She knows that, and says "he's insulted, so... ", as if to say "now he needs to get some points back".

However, she's power-aware while being super supportive.

Also interesting in the rest of the story:

  • The subjectivity of SMV: she says all her dancer colleagues loved him, but not her
  • The effects of preselection: because all her girlfriends liked him, she was more willing to date him
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Stefselffriend
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Very careful observation!

This recalls me your previous video, in which Musk's EX did this to Musk too: demeaning Musk while getting physically closer.

I think the phrase "he's insulted" is kind of a win-lose power move. It frames him as a person who can be easily insulted and very reactive to her (dis)approval. Only weak person, low EI person, or person who cannot control his emotion can be easily insulted.

Also, I think the "nothing" is super, super insulting, not less than Riley's words: "I would say yes to anyone...". My Ex also used this power move on me.

The man said "true" which not only gives away a lot of power, but also implies that he knows little about human psychology. She is obviously lying as no woman feels "nothing" about her lover in the first interaction. Even if she indeed felt "nothing", after fell in love, she would later backward rationalize the first interactions as a romantic ones. The man then takes a defensive position and start to explain the details. Well, a high power man does not to defend or explain. Here he is taking her insult seriously, which cements her frame.

Note that one possible response without being defensive to her "nothing" is agree, amplify, and ridicule: "yeah yeah she was so not into me that we married for 30 years". Well, she blocked this pathway before he could respond. Not sure if it was done intentionally.

By the way, his speaking style is similar to Musk, a lot of filler words: "you know, so, so, you know..."

However, I do think that forming a close relationship with a women who is power aware will do more good than harm for me.

 

I disagree. You gotta look at the whole interaction selffriend, the overall dynamics here have little in common to Elon Musk's example.
From what it transpires here the guy is most likely the leader of the relationship, and she's cool with that.

Just some of the most important signals

  • He talks 90% of the time, she sits and listens
  • When they disagree, he has the last word
  • When they disagree, his frame comes out on top
  • She is mostly supportive in her body language, Talulah wasn't
  • Talulah spoke most of the times in Elon's interview, and her frame prevailed
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Stefselffriend
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Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 2, 2021, 3:30 am

I disagree. You gotta look at the whole interaction selffriend, the overall dynamics here have little in common to Elon Musk's example.
From what it transpires here the guy is most likely the leader of the relationship, and she's cool with that.

I trust your observation on the other parts of video, of course. She might be supportive at most of time in the whole conversation. I agree that we can only conclude the power dynamics from the whole picture. Now I understand that why you said "I think she's an awesome woman" even if you identified her value-taking story. I think you could probably add a line in the main text like "although this story is value-taking, in the other parts of the talk she is very supportive".

May I just confirm that in your first post, you said she is "valuing-taking" by saying the "nothing..." story? This is also one of my main points.

If we restrict our concentration on the title of the thread "get physically close when you're verbally disempowering someone", this specific technique seems to be also used by Riley for at least once. Do you think that Riley physically touched Musk right after she said "I would say yes to any one"?

In addition, I think in this specific scenario, both Riley and this woman used the "joke-laugh" frame.

Thank you again for mentoring us and creating those contents!

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Lucio Buffalmano

Yeah, you're right selffriend, in the specific section, she was being verbally value-taking.

You probably hadn't seen most of the video, so had no idea of the overall picture.

Also, something else you couldn't have known: that guy always shares that story, and always gladly shares the story of how uninterested she was, and how he had to work and invest to change her mind.
Basically: the story was already out, and he seems very cool with it.

Overall, she seems like a woman who's a mix of both power-intelligent, and supportive.

Also, the main topic of this thread is that all the while she was being verbally value-taking by sharing that old story, she also took steps to minimize that.
She told her story, and knowing that it was not very good for him, she took steps to avoid that relationship would sour, and that people around would think that she is not supportive of him.

Instead, she made a nonverbal statement that says:

I'm sharing a story where he won't look too good, but it's in the past, now I'm beside him

That's also a big difference with Talulah.
Talulah didn't grab Musks' hand. She tapped him on the leg, and only did so when he was already so far gone, and when he had already lost tons and tons of value. Talulah also looked incredibly manipulative.

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Stefselffriend
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Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 2, 2021, 4:18 am

Yeah, you're right selffriend, in the specific section, she was being verbally value-taking.

You probably hadn't seen most of the video, so had no idea of the overall picture.

Also, something else you couldn't have known: that guy always shares that story, and always gladly shares the story of how uninterested she was, and how he had to work and invest to change her mind.
Basically: the story was already out, and he seems very cool with it.

Overall, she seems like a woman who's a mix of both power-intelligent, and supportive.

Also, the main topic of this thread is that all the while she was being verbally value-taking by sharing that old story, she also took steps to minimize that.
She told her story, and knowing that it was not very good for him, she took steps to avoid that relationship would sour, and that people around would think that she is not supportive of him.

Instead, she made a nonverbal statement that says:

I'm sharing a story where he won't look too good, but it's in the past, now I'm beside him

That's also a big difference with Talulah.
Talulah didn't grab Musks' hand. She tapped him on the leg, and only did so when he was already so far gone, and when he had already lost tons and tons of value. Talulah also looked incredibly manipulative.

Very complicated! My brain is about to explode.

So here is my new understanding:

This woman's story is +1 power for her and -1 power for him, but she initiated a physical win-win move, which is about +2 for the guy. The guy accepted the hand-holding initiative which gives +1 to her. Overall it is still a win-win for both.

Riley devalues Musk by like -2 for Musk and +2 for herself. Then she pulls him back slightly, which is about +0.5 for Musk. Overall it is still a win-lose game.

Am I on the right track?

Let's say that her move was +0.7 for him, so still slightly negative for him. But still, it showed effort and willingness to make up for him.

Overall, it says good things about them as a couple, yes.

Riley touching Musk I wouldn't even give him + anyting to Musk.
She just touched him to avoid he'd be too far off one.
Those dynamics said "she's in charge, he's clueless, she's pushed him to the brink, and then pulled him right back".

But yeah, you were close ๐Ÿ™‚

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Stefselffriend
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Hey Lucio ( the mentor)

Want suggestion from you

New here so apologies if something doing wrong

I have decided to invest in a relationship within a family. They are socially high on status ( just socially) & in my family I'm the only one who have been learning these things for years, but they don't know so the question I have to ask you is that do I have to play save or just go for it to confess my thoughts, as her family gives me so much affection specially her mother who is dominant in family. I know I have to invest more so that I can win her bcoz I know she is the one who will help me in social networking too ( reason I'm asking this to you is simple I'm learning from you).