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Fake disinterest/disengagement power moves

#1 · February 2, 2022, 1:39 pm

Quote from B on February 2, 2022, 1:39 pm
Hi Guys!
Context
Yesterday I took part with a female friend of mine in an organized sports walk of an hour, with a group of people I met for the occasion and did not know beforehand.
There was this other girl in the group (let's call her Lia) with whom I talked for 5 minutes, we basically discussed what kind of food we like and what we do. She tells me she is an actress, I tell her I am a lawyer.
First move: she seems not to hear me
She starts asking questions about what law firm I am in, and I answer that I work by myself in my own office. I then ask her what kind of acting she does, and she does not answer my question, and instead starts talking with another person in the group near us.
I remember from Power University that high power people don't let it slide when others do not answer, and say:
Me: So Lia?
Lia: Eh Bel, what were you asking?
Me: What kind of acting do you do?
Lia: (answers)
Second move: she deliberately disengages in the midst of my answer to her question
The conversation goes on for some time, then I say something about the benefits of working as a sole lawyer practictioner instead of being in a big law firm. Then this happens:
Lia: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Me: (I answer)
Lia: (in the middle of my sentence) Hey, we are remaining far behind the group! (gets away and starts walking ahead without letting me finish)
I completely disengage at this point and do not follow her.
Minutes later she starts talking with my female friend, and the two of them remain far behind in the group, much farther than we were when she deliberately disengaged from talking with me.
My move at the end
We finish the walk, and a small group starts walking together to go home. In this group are, among others, my friend, Lia, me and other people. I at this point engage my friend in conversation, and Lia starts talking with someone other.
Someone makes reference to a well known movie, and I say:
Me: Well everybody knows that movie!
Lia: What is it?
Me: Come on Lia, you are an actress and you don't know that movie?
Then we basically all say goodbye, and I remain with my female friend (who, btw, had asked me if I could join the walk also because she had "bad feelings" about Lia, whom she had started getting friends with some weeks earlier) and had asked for my opinion.
But this aside, I think I could have handled better the moment where Lia deliberately disengaged.
What I could have done better
Instead of letting it slide, would it have been better if I had gotten back near her when she disengaged, and said something in front of everyone like:
Me: You know Lia, there is no obligation to keep talking, but I think when you ask me something, you should at least wait for me to finish before going away.
Or was my behavior (of letting it slide) more high power?
And also, was it ok to put her a bit on the spot at the end, or would it have been better not to?
I will try to answer my own question: I think that letting it slide was the better choice, but I should have avoided as well the final passive-aggressive move. And just got on.

Hi Guys!

Context

Yesterday I took part with a female friend of mine in an organized sports walk of an hour, with a group of people I met for the occasion and did not know beforehand.

There was this other girl in the group (let's call her Lia) with whom I talked for 5 minutes, we basically discussed what kind of food we like and what we do. She tells me she is an actress, I tell her I am a lawyer.

First move: she seems not to hear me

She starts asking questions about what law firm I am in, and I answer that I work by myself in my own office. I then ask her what kind of acting she does, and she does not answer my question, and instead starts talking with another person in the group near us.

I remember from Power University that high power people don't let it slide when others do not answer, and say:

Me: So Lia?
Lia: Eh Bel, what were you asking?
Me: What kind of acting do you do?
Lia: (answers)

Second move: she deliberately disengages in the midst of my answer to her question

The conversation goes on for some time, then I say something about the benefits of working as a sole lawyer practictioner instead of being in a big law firm. Then this happens:

Lia: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Me: (I answer)
Lia: (in the middle of my sentence) Hey, we are remaining far behind the group! (gets away and starts walking ahead without letting me finish)

I completely disengage at this point and do not follow her.

Minutes later she starts talking with my female friend, and the two of them remain far behind in the group, much farther than we were when she deliberately disengaged from talking with me.

My move at the end

We finish the walk, and a small group starts walking together to go home. In this group are, among others, my friend, Lia, me and other people. I at this point engage my friend in conversation, and Lia starts talking with someone other.

Someone makes reference to a well known movie, and I say:

Me: Well everybody knows that movie!
Lia: What is it?
Me: Come on Lia, you are an actress and you don't know that movie?

Then we basically all say goodbye, and I remain with my female friend (who, btw, had asked me if I could join the walk also because she had "bad feelings" about Lia, whom she had started getting friends with some weeks earlier) and had asked for my opinion.

But this aside, I think I could have handled better the moment where Lia deliberately disengaged.

What I could have done better

Instead of letting it slide, would it have been better if I had gotten back near her when she disengaged, and said something in front of everyone like:

Me: You know Lia, there is no obligation to keep talking, but I think when you ask me something, you should at least wait for me to finish before going away.

Or was my behavior (of letting it slide) more high power?

And also, was it ok to put her a bit on the spot at the end, or would it have been better not to?

I will try to answer my own question: I think that letting it slide was the better choice, but I should have avoided as well the final passive-aggressive move. And just got on.

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#2 · February 2, 2022, 6:48 pm

My thoughts: red flags!!!

I think you’re facing a power and game player. Overall I think you handled it well.

This is the kind of person I actively minimize contact with. I am polite, but connect on a superficial level on purpose.

Now you know who she is. Your friend had also negative intuition about her.

My understanding is that this Lia has attractive exterior. But to me she looks like ugly inside.

So I would not overthink it, be happy I dodged a bullet and move on.

This kind of people make us wonder what we did wrong or what we should to have a better relationship with them.

To me it’s a lost battle with this kind of individuals.

You’re able to find much higher quality people. I’m quite sure of it.

Rock on!

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#3 · February 2, 2022, 7:11 pm

This person Lia seems to be using these strategies to make herself look high-value by putting you down. Also most of her attempts seems to have a agenda that you must be going after her attention.

As far as long term relationship is concerned it's best to keep distance with Lia.

Me: So Lia?
Lia: Eh Bel, what were you asking?
Me: We are getting there.(act like she is eager here).
What kind of acting do you do?
Lia: (answers)

I have added the best way according to me to handle in bold.

Lia: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Me: (I answer)
Lia: (in the middle of my sentence) Hey, we are remaining far behind the group! (gets away and starts walking ahead without letting me finish)

My opinion is that You answering after she said "I'm sorry, what did you say" came as low power.

I would have replied either with these.

You : I did say something. I am only going to repeat once. Do you understand?
Or
You : If you were not paying attention the first time, I don't see why you are asking now.

What do you think?

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#4 · February 2, 2022, 8:14 pm

Quote from John Freeman on February 2, 2022, 6:48 pm
My thoughts: red flags!!!
I think you’re facing a power and game player. Overall I think you handled it well.

Thank you John!

I agree, it's an unwinnable battle with people like this and it's best to just keep distance.

At least I'm able to see it now, months ago I wouldn't even have been able to.

This kind of people make us wonder what we did wrong or what we should to have a better relationship with them.

Totally agree, that's precisely what they want. And in the past, it worked on me: I would have started thinking that maybe I had been disrespectful. Thankfully not anymore.

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#5 · February 2, 2022, 8:18 pm

Quote from Growfast on February 2, 2022, 7:11 pm
This person Lia seems to be using these strategies to make herself look high-value by putting you down. Also most of her attempts seems to have a agenda that you must be going after her attention.
As far as long term relationship is concerned it's best to keep distance with Lia.
What do you think?

Thank you Growfast, your explanation of why she was doing those things, as well as your suggestions, make much sense. She was basically trying to social-climb.

Unfortunately I only realized what was happening after the second disengagement, and then was able to understand that what she had done before was deliberate "disrespect", so to say.

When the first two moves happened, I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt. But, if something like this happens in the future, I could go like you suggest, or even cut it out asap:

Me: So Lia?
Lia: Eh Bel, what were you asking?
Me: (laughs). Nothing, have a nice walk.

#6 · February 3, 2022, 11:06 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 3, 2022, 11:06 pm
Yes, I think you overall handled it well.
Quote from Bel on February 2, 2022, 1:39 pm
I remember from Power University that high power people don't let it slide when others do not answer, and say:
Me: So Lia?
Lia: Eh Bel, what were you asking?
Me: What kind of acting do you do?
Lia: (answers)
Very smooth!
Another possible option with more assertiveness:
You: hey, we were talking, I asked you a question
With the attitude of "I ask you, and expect a reply".
If she's on the crazy side that gives her a chance of escalating and framing you as pushy or even as aggressive (or sexually aggressive) with something "maybe I don't want to answer" or "you're being aggressive".
Replying to those then gets more advanced, but that's also where you learn the most (one approach, you reframe around something like "No, it's not about having or not having to, it's about what's polite and normal behavior. But we can end it here, you can rest assured after these games of yours I have no interest in talking to you anymore").
But keep in mind that maybe she's no actress at all -or a poor struggling one-.
It's possible she feels bad about her life and all her shenanigans are cover-ups.
I agree with John anyway, these all seem like red flags.
Quote from Bel on February 2, 2022, 1:39 pm
What I could have done better
Instead of letting it slide, would it have been better if I had gotten back near her when she disengaged, and said something in front of everyone like:
Me: You know Lia, there is no obligation to keep talking, but I think when you ask me something, you should at least wait for me to finish before going away.
Or was my behavior (of letting it slide) more high power?
And also, was it ok to put her a bit on the spot at the end, or would it have been better not to?
I will try to answer my own question: I think that letting it slide was the better choice, but I should have avoided as well the final passive-aggressive move. And just got on.
Nobody was there when you two were behind, you lost no status with that -or very little when people saw she went back alone-.
You did well not to speed up to follow her.
I'd have also let it slide or confronted her very off-handedly.
Such as, you don't go straight to her, but more walk past and say "hey, I think it's polite to listen to someone after you ask a question", give her a second to redeem herself but be ready to keep on walking.
Then never talk to her anymore.
Why off-handedly?
Because her behavior seems quite erratic.
It's possible she's histrionic, had you confronted in the group she might have flared up with some BS just to get some attention -albeit that would have been a great learning opportunity-.

Yes, I think you overall handled it well.

Quote from Bel on February 2, 2022, 1:39 pm
I remember from Power University that high power people don't let it slide when others do not answer, and say:
Me: So Lia?
Lia: Eh Bel, what were you asking?
Me: What kind of acting do you do?
Lia: (answers)

Very smooth!

Another possible option with more assertiveness:

You: hey, we were talking, I asked you a question

With the attitude of "I ask you, and expect a reply".

If she's on the crazy side that gives her a chance of escalating and framing you as pushy or even as aggressive (or sexually aggressive) with something "maybe I don't want to answer" or "you're being aggressive".

Replying to those then gets more advanced, but that's also where you learn the most (one approach, you reframe around something like "No, it's not about having or not having to, it's about what's polite and normal behavior. But we can end it here, you can rest assured after these games of yours I have no interest in talking to you anymore").

But keep in mind that maybe she's no actress at all -or a poor struggling one-.
It's possible she feels bad about her life and all her shenanigans are cover-ups.

I agree with John anyway, these all seem like red flags.

Quote from Bel on February 2, 2022, 1:39 pm
What I could have done better
Instead of letting it slide, would it have been better if I had gotten back near her when she disengaged, and said something in front of everyone like:
Me: You know Lia, there is no obligation to keep talking, but I think when you ask me something, you should at least wait for me to finish before going away.
Or was my behavior (of letting it slide) more high power?
And also, was it ok to put her a bit on the spot at the end, or would it have been better not to?
I will try to answer my own question: I think that letting it slide was the better choice, but I should have avoided as well the final passive-aggressive move. And just got on.

Nobody was there when you two were behind, you lost no status with that -or very little when people saw she went back alone-.

You did well not to speed up to follow her.

I'd have also let it slide or confronted her very off-handedly.

Such as, you don't go straight to her, but more walk past and say "hey, I think it's polite to listen to someone after you ask a question", give her a second to redeem herself but be ready to keep on walking.
Then never talk to her anymore.

Why off-handedly?

Because her behavior seems quite erratic.
It's possible she's histrionic, had you confronted in the group she might have flared up with some BS just to get some attention -albeit that would have been a great learning opportunity-.

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#7 · February 3, 2022, 11:13 pm

Early on keep your intro and description as short as possible

I wasn't there of course, and far as I know you were flawless on your side.

Generally speaking though, this is one of the reasons why early on I rarely speak a lot in conversations.

It's like giving the flank, people can ignore you and then you wasted a lot of effort for nothing.
It looks like you were trying to look cool but it didn't work -a small social fail-.

Say a couple of things instead and let them as more questions.

For example, when they ask me, I look up in the air as if to say "how am I going to put this now", then simply say one of these:

I run an online business
I teach advanced social skills
I teach about power
Well, I'm kind of a mix between a writer, a researcher, and an entrepreneur

Very low effort, and very question-enticing.

She wouldn't have even had time to play her game and turn around with one of those.

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#8 · February 3, 2022, 11:20 pm

Quote from Bel on February 2, 2022, 1:39 pm
She tells me she is an actress, I tell her I am a lawyer.
(...)
She starts asking questions about what law firm I am in, and I answer that I work by myself in my own office. I then ask her what kind of acting she does

Also, it's a good move to build her up.

That:

Get some early rapport and some social capital
Prevents the struggling artists from feeling diminished and looked down upon

Something like:

Her: I'm an actress
You: (thinking "OK, odds are she's struggling to make ends meet, let's lift her up") Cool! I always dreamed of being an actor, but I'm as expressive as a scarecrow. I can imagine it must be exciting to put "become" someone else in front of an audience

Of course you don't have to lie, but anything that says "I appreciate your profession and I'm curious about it" works.

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#9 · February 4, 2022, 12:00 pm

Quote from B on February 4, 2022, 12:00 pm
Thank you Lucio!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 3, 2022, 11:06 pm
Another possible option with more assertiveness:
You: hey, we were talking, I asked you a question
With the attitude of "I ask you, and expect a reply".
If she's on the crazy side that gives her a chance of escalating and framing you as pushy or even as aggressive (or sexually aggressive) with something "maybe I don't want to answer" or "you're being aggressive".
Replying to those then gets more advanced, but that's also where you learn the most (one approach, you reframe around something like "No, it's not about having or not having to, it's about what's polite and normal behavior. But we can end it here, you can rest assured after these games of yours I have no interest in talking to you anymore").
This is very helpful, I would have never thought about this being even possible.
Nobody was there when you two were behind, you lost no status with that -or very little when people saw she went back alone-.
You did well not to speed up to follow her.
We were at about the middle of the group, which was one of the reasons why I then was able to realize she was doing this deliberately, but I don't think people nearby heard us.
I'd have also let it slide or confronted her very off-handedly.
Such as, you don't go straight to her, but more walk past and say "hey, I think it's polite to listen to someone after you ask a question", give her a second to redeem herself but be ready to keep on walking.
Then never talk to her anymore.
This is also really useful, I wouln't have thought of this possibility.
I agree with avoiding talking about myself early on: I tried to "build her up" by mentioning one recent tv series I knew she was in ("I understand you took part in ..., I must watch it"), and asking questions about her. Albeit she did not follow the thread, and seemed not to be eager to want to answer those questions, so I didn't push.
She was the one who redirected the conversation on my job, asked me questions about it to then "show her disinterest".

Thank you Lucio!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 3, 2022, 11:06 pm
Another possible option with more assertiveness:
You: hey, we were talking, I asked you a question
With the attitude of "I ask you, and expect a reply".
If she's on the crazy side that gives her a chance of escalating and framing you as pushy or even as aggressive (or sexually aggressive) with something "maybe I don't want to answer" or "you're being aggressive".
Replying to those then gets more advanced, but that's also where you learn the most (one approach, you reframe around something like "No, it's not about having or not having to, it's about what's polite and normal behavior. But we can end it here, you can rest assured after these games of yours I have no interest in talking to you anymore").

This is very helpful, I would have never thought about this being even possible.

Nobody was there when you two were behind, you lost no status with that -or very little when people saw she went back alone-.
You did well not to speed up to follow her.

We were at about the middle of the group, which was one of the reasons why I then was able to realize she was doing this deliberately, but I don't think people nearby heard us.

I'd have also let it slide or confronted her very off-handedly.
Such as, you don't go straight to her, but more walk past and say "hey, I think it's polite to listen to someone after you ask a question", give her a second to redeem herself but be ready to keep on walking.
Then never talk to her anymore.

This is also really useful, I wouln't have thought of this possibility.

I agree with avoiding talking about myself early on: I tried to "build her up" by mentioning one recent tv series I knew she was in ("I understand you took part in ..., I must watch it"), and asking questions about her. Albeit she did not follow the thread, and seemed not to be eager to want to answer those questions, so I didn't push.

She was the one who redirected the conversation on my job, asked me questions about it to then "show her disinterest".

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#10 · February 5, 2022, 10:27 am

Thank you for the update and letting me/us know what was helpful.

As usual, you know the situation better, so you're in the best position to discard the advice that doesn't apply -cool that you're already doing the "brief description", that's already advanced stuff-.

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