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Flirting with a relationship: how & how much?

Lucio, what is your view on flirting? What amount do you believe is acceptable/not acceptable in terms of having a healthy relationship?

Hey mate, do you mean flirting within your own relationship, with your spouse, or with women outside of your relationship?

Within Your Relationship: Keep It But Change The Nature

Flirting changes within your relationship.

It should go from "alluding to what might happen" and "I know you like me/men" to "alluding to what's happened, what will happen" and to "us great together".

On the article on text flirting for example I say I use a lot the "I know you like man/me" technique.
And those are great during seduction.
But using that type of flirting too much is not good in relationships: it sends the message that you are trying to position her as the one chasing. That's the equivalent of "one-upping", and those games should be dropped in a relationships.

Inside Jokes and References

The type of flirting that is always good instead are inside jokes and references.
Those build couple's culture and, in turn, that gets the couple closers (see Gottman's research where he calls it "shared meaning").

For example, if you know the last time you went out for dinner and you two drank wine and she got tipsy and horny, the next time you're with some friends you might say "oh yeah, my wife likes wine", while you look at her with a smile.
That type of flirting reminds you of the good time and of the sex thereafter. But it does so by leveraging a "you and her" secret reference and it creates a "we" frame.

Outside The Relationship: Depends

Flirting to me is a social balm.

It brightens people's day, make them feel good and, even if you're in a relationship, it's innocuous.

For example the other day I went to see a female friend of mine who was hosting other friends.
By coincidence, her neighbors were also walking up the stairs and when she opened the door she exchanged a few pleasantries and quickly introduce me to her neighbhors.

Then we went inside and, after she closed the door, she looked at me with a smile and said:

Her: Now they're gonna think we are lovers
Me: Ehehe, I thought the same

What does this type of flirting do?

It makes both feel good and attractive and it increases the "sexual temperature" of the room, opening the door for more jokes and laughs.

How much is too much depends a lot on the culture you're in, your personality, her personality and your history together.
But definitely there can be such a thing as flirting too much, both by yourself and in front of your partner.

As a rule of thumb, flirting too much with other women in front of your partner is in bad taste. It communicates unreliability, game-playing and, possibly, even immaturity.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

My 2 ¢.

If you're single I think you shouldn't use innocent flirt with a woman if you don't want to fuck/date her. The "plausible deniability" element of flirting may lead her to take interest in you then you will not reciprocate. You make her comfortable but you may potentially hurt her (It's not innocent). Lucio what do you think about the idea that your friend may actually fancy you?

For women that you like, by flirting you're opening youself for women who play games and you're pussyfooting (It won't look good on you and you waste your time). The only benefit I can see is when you're in a sensitive environment (work/group), you can arouse her discreetly/quickly with some flirt. I'm not a fan of suggestive seduction, I believe that telling a woman what you want to do with her in a no needy way is more powerful than implying it.

If you're in a relationship, flirting with other people depends on what you and your woman have agreed on, don't do something if you're not prepared for her to have the same freedom as you (and flirting is a slippery slope).

Flirting with your woman is the spice of your relationship, whisper to her that you gonna fuck her silly doggy style tonight then act calm and let her boil in her imagination. She will jump you when the moment comes.

Good discussion here.

Lucio, thoughts on killer7?

Quote from Killer7 on September 25, 2019, 4:12 am

My 2 ¢.

Lucio what do you think about the idea that your friend may actually fancy you?

For women that you like, by flirting you're opening youself for women who play games and you're pussyfooting (It won't look good on you and you waste your time). The only benefit I can see is when you're in a sensitive environment (work/group), you can arouse her discreetly/quickly with some flirt. I'm not a fan of suggestive seduction, I believe that telling a woman what you want to do with her in a no needy way is more powerful than implying it.

If you're in a relationship, flirting with other people depends on what you and your woman have agreed on, don't do something if you're not prepared for her to have the same freedom as you (and flirting is a slippery slope).

Flirting with your woman is the spice of your relationship, whisper to her that you gonna fuck her silly doggy style tonight then act calm and let her boil in her imagination. She will jump you when the moment comes.

Great message.

I agree with you, flirting is best in social circles like workplace, clubs, old friends and, in general, people who meet repeatedly and/or there is a certain aura of "not supposed to get sexual".

But sometimes it can also be for people you meet only once, like a clerk at the ticket counter and you can brighten their day.

For the reasons you mention of direct/indirect, flirting is also good for women to send a quick, short message of sexual availability upon first meeting someone without making too obvious.
Making it too obvious would lower their value and make them come across too thirsty, horny and "whorish". A smart woman who can signal her interest with flirting can instead prod him to make the move, which sometimes can happen that he hasn't even consciously realized he had been prodded.

Maybe a slightly longer lingering of her hand on him, or a piercing stare with a smile, or a look down and then up.
Or my favorite, the eyebrow flashing, best if done with one eyebrow only:

On the "fancying" bit: most likely there is some element of attraction.
That's why flirting makes people feel good: it's a way of validating them and their sexual market value.

 

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

You're right I didn't include the female perspective in my last message. Definitely for women flirting is the way to go. I prefer direct because it tells me that this woman likes me without ambiguity but I also appreciate a woman flirting with me especially considering the pressure that society put on them and their sexuality. The only think I would insist on with guys is that they should always comfirm the interest (if they want to) by escalating and watching how she complies to avoid attention whores/cock teasers/manipulative women.