Quote from Transitioned on January 5, 2022, 2:05 am

Yep - games.  They want you to be available when they want.  Also if it doesn't happen they can put some social debt on you.

I d say 'locked in?'

And if they then give you some maybe BS say 'no worries we can catch up some other time'.  Match vague with vague

 

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 5, 2022, 4:02 am

Thanks a lot man. This really helps a lot. Really needed the second perspective.

Quote from Growfast on January 5, 2022, 5:26 am

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 4, 2022, 9:53 pm

My friend proposed to meet next week:

Friend: Hey Matthew, keen to meet next week?

Me: Yes I am keen :). Mon evening?

Friend: Tenatively ok

Me: If Monday has a tight schedule or a potential clash, how about Tues or Wed evening?

(long delay for 4 hours)

Friend: Monday should be fine don't worry
Friend: Just don't want to over promise haha

Me: I don't think it's very fair to ask me to commit next week if you don't want to commit

(5 consecutive texts)
Friend: Oh I want to commit
Friend: don't worry
Friend: Just wanted to confirm I have no appointments don't worry
Friend: I confirmed it
Friend: I'll see you next Monday

Me: Thanks a lot (name). Looking forward to seeing you on Monday

My gut feeling is that his tone is patronising because

• "don't worry" implies I'm the one anxious about the meeting when I just wanted to get the timing down
  I actually don't really want to meet him after he said "tentatively ok"
• He frames himself as busier than me and takes so long to check his appointments
  How long do you need to take a peek at your calendar to check for free slots?

I believe that my main mistake is that I invested further into arranging the meeting after he said tentatively okay.
I should have said:

Him: Tenatively ok

Me: Let's meet another time then.
(or)
It will be great if you can let me know by Thursday.

I seem to encounter this kind of acquaintances from time to time.
They initiate a meet-up and then try to seem busy & lukewarm afterwards.

Do you have any advice on whether I'm reading this correctly?

It seems off when he is asking you for a meet up next week while he himself is not sure if he is busy.

It takes mere minutes to check one's schedule however busy he is. (Hours to check schedule? Never happens, it either means he wants to play the game that he is busier than you or else contacted many people for meet or/and you weren't his first priority for meeting next week)

As for when he replied

Friend: Hey Matthew, keen to meet next week?

Me: Yes I am keen :). Mon evening?

Me instead : Next week is possible. When were you planning the meet? (This would have forced him to reveal when he is free since he is the one who proposed the meet. If at this point he plays busy you can confirm he is playing games)

Friend: Tenatively ok

Me: If Monday has a tight schedule or a potential clash, how about Tues or Wed evening? (his tentative ok was a trap for him to act busy and make you invest more)

(long delay for 4 hours)

Friend: Monday should be fine don't worry

Friend: Just don't want to over promise haha

Me: I don't think it's very fair to ask me to commit next week if you don't want to commit (Nice)

(5 consecutive texts)

Friend: Oh I want to commit

Friend: don't worry

Friend: Just wanted to confirm I have no appointments don't worry

Friend: I confirmed it

Friend: I'll see you next Monday

Me: Thanks a lot (name). Looking forward to seeing you on Monday

(Thanks a lot wasn't right since it's a meet which he wants. Cheers would have been better.)

I absolutely agree that the 'don't worry' definitely puts you as the keener one for the meet.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 5, 2022, 5:31 am

Either games, but might also be personality or genuine work schedules that might tie him up.

Technically, you do lose power when he says "tentatively", but if you had the same personality/approach to settings up dates and/or the same work schedules, you could be fine with that.

Edit 2: empowered/disempowered is relative, and the new lesson on dating power dynamics shows it with bar charts.

So when he says "tentatively" you feel that his interest level drops below yours (say, you 7 with wanting to set it up, him 2 with leaving it open).
BUT if you have the same attitude AND if you show it, then you also lower your interest levels and you're not power down anymore.

For example, you'd say "awesome, let's confirm it in the next  days" -and then you match him, and you're all good.

But if you prefer scheduling things, then the different approach almost automatically makes you power-down and it's great to either go assertive, or use some other techniques.

"Don't worry" also disempowers you, typical covert power move.

On the other hand, his heavy investment and rapid-rate reply after your assertive statement also re-empowers you as he shows he cares.

What gave even more of your power away is you saying:

You: Thanks a lot

Thanks a lot sub-communicates he's given you something.

Jus say instead: "awesome, see you then man".

"Let's meet another time" is good if for you it's paramount to set up dates in advance.
But then, take charge and say "if you're not sure let's do another day when you know you're free, I like to plan things".

And "cool, let me know for sure by X though as I prefer to plan things" also works great.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 5, 2022, 6:40 am

By the way, if one has that attitude and wants to power-protect, he should say in advance or take the blame.

That way, you make make sure you don't disempower your friends / partners / business partners.

I do have that attitude and really dislike scheduling calls or having deadlines.

So if it's a friendship, I might take the blame, ie.:

Me: yeah, sorry man, I'm really a dog when it comes to scheduling things and always prefer to keep things open almost until the same day. It's a personality thing, even at work I couldn't stand the alarm or the set hours

Then he says something "it's all good", and you say "yeah yeah, just want to clarify that it's a personality thing, and otherwise I'm always happy to see you man".
And then you're all good.

If it's a business relationship, I say in advance: I don't do calls, and I don't work on a "meeting the timeline" basis (ask Ali about that :).
Then it's likely that I will be far more involved than they even expect, but with that premise, it comes as a good surprise rather than a negative surprise when you always try to dodge their requests to schedule calls.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 5, 2022, 10:32 am

Edit 2: empowered/disempowered is relative, and the new lesson on dating power dynamics shows it with bar charts.

So when he says "tentatively" you feel that his interest level drops below yours (say, you 7 with wanting to set it up, him 2 with leaving it open).
BUT if you have the same attitude AND if you show it, then you also lower your interest levels and you're not power down anymore.

It didn't strike till now that there are similar dynamics when it comes to friends.
It seems that whenever you are proposing a collaboration, there's a dynamic of who wants the collaboration more.
The mini-collaboration in this case is meeting up for coffee.

Very relevant in sales in my opinion.
If you chase the prospect too hard for a meeting, you lose lots of power.
But if you have the biggest booth at a conference and everyone is visiting your booth, then things are a bit different.

What gave even more of your power away is you saying:

You: Thanks a lot

Thanks a lot sub-communicates he's given you something.

Bad habit of mine.
Thanking people when there's a mutual exchange of value like meeting for coffee.
I was thinking "thank you and congratulations for confirming the meeting", but that sounds weird for some reason.
My guess is that it sounds transactional like I'm bartering commitment to meet for coffee.
Instead, "awesome see you then" is an already collaborative stance (we are friends).

Do you think I can use the same text of "German, better planning" as in the texting guide?

Friend: Hey Matthew, keen to meet next week?

Me: Yes I am keen :). Mon evening?

Friend: Tenatively ok

Me: If Monday has a tight schedule or a potential clash, how about Tues or Wed evening?

(long delay for 4 hours)

Friend: Monday should be fine don't worry
Friend: Just don't want to over promise haha

Me: Don't want to sound German :). But better planning

The following sounds like a good strategy of under-promise, over-deliver:

If it's a business relationship, I say in advance: I don't do calls, and I don't work on a "meeting the timeline" basis (ask Ali about that :).
Then it's likely that I will be far more involved than they even expect, but with that premise, it comes as a good surprise rather than a negative surprise when you always try to dodge their requests to schedule calls.

It's a time-tested strategy of pleasantly surprising people.

---

Huge thanks to Kevin, Growfast and Lucio for helping me with this situation.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 5, 2022, 3:15 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 5, 2022, 10:32 am

Me: Don't want to sound German :). But better planning

Yeah, I'd just switch it to:

But yeah, I prefer planning.

It's not written anywhere that planning is "better" and feels like a (small) power move to the receiver.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on January 5, 2022, 3:54 pm

Yeah planning is not "better".

My feeling is this.
The thing is he implicitly framed at the beginning that planning is better himself by saying

Friend: Hey Matthew, keen to meet next week?

Then, I was on the same wavelength as him so that I thought why not go ahead and confirm the date.

If he doesn't like to plan, he shouldn't even ask me the question.

The crux of the annoyance on my part was what I brought up with him.
He wanted me to commit (half-commit actually) but he didn't want to commit.

My preference is either

• Commit fully to a time
• Leave things open fully

The half-commitment feels weird to me.

If he wrote to me on Sunday,

Him: Hey Matthew, any chance you can meet tomorrow (Monday)?
Or I text you a couple of days later if you're not free?

Perfectly fine for me.
Then, I don't have this lingering thought of having to schedule a somewhat arbitrary event during the week.

Do you think I'm reading this right?

Quote from ZenDancer on January 5, 2022, 8:02 pm

Really interesting exploration here. Is it possible that there's an element of social anxiety in your friend's vaccilating? Some times people have difficulty committing to social engagements, but it's more about their own insecurities than any kind of power play....