Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 20, 2021, 10:13 am

I'll start it off with an example from Kevin:

Earned 2^nd Interview With Smart Frame-Management

Quote from Transitioned on June 16, 2021, 1:24 am

Call last night from a company for a manager job that's a bit out of my zone.

Started beating me up for not having experience of various specialist areas.
Instead of debating I said "great feed back of course you guys know - it's what you do".   And then I used questions and statements to point out I d been doing the same stuff in other industries.

Also built rapport by adding little agreeing 'tails' to his statements and stories.

Result is the guy said I can see you're a nice person and he put me forward for an interview.

Lots of skills showing here:

• Antifragile ego (not taking things personally): he avoids falling into he trap of attacking back and potentially souring the relationship
• Frame control: He recognizes that the initial frame was bad for him. But he waited his turn. Instead of going "me VS you right away" he initially accepts their frame and then slowly changes.
  There is one crucial aspect that made that work:
• Power protecting: had he said "it's not true, let me show you", he'd have turned into a "me VS you". Instead, when he gives them the information to make them realize that he actually has that experience, they are now free to change their minds without losing face and power
• Positive judge role: a bit hidden, but he takes their criticism, and turns into an opportunity to positively judge them. ("you guys know, it's what you do") really great stuff
• Reciprocity for win-win: the moment he turns what might be a criticism into an opportunity for building them up, he is also inviting reciprocity. Now the recruiter wants to give back and build him up

This also feeds back into the "better general brick-layer" we talked in the first post.

Kevin hasn't dropped a single brick-power move that changes everything by itself.
He was simply acting as a good general brick-layer.

In a short conversation, he used a few strategies and showed a few qualities that just makes him a high-quality guy that people want to be around.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 20, 2021, 10:24 am

A personal example from a few days ago:

This single brick in itself might not lead anywhere.

But the skill behind laying this specific brick, over the years, will lead to a ton more dates, and to a far greater power of choosing your mate among the ones that you list most.

You can also note here the overlap of all social skills.
This is applied to dating, but it's also about frame and frame control, negotiation, as well as mindsets -the mindset of not necessarily accepting the first "no"-.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on June 20, 2021, 4:31 pm

Would you think that it's better to open up a thread to discuss these mini case studies further or to discuss them on this thread directly?

I asked the above because I'm not sure of the dynamics of the above example.
The woman seemed to play some power moves but I am unsure if I read them correctly such as:

• I apologize for the late reply but I have to cancel our date.
  This contains the "I'm sorry" and late power moves.
• I only have an hour
  Sort of framing herself as the prize
• You know how to convince
  Implies that the man is chasing
• Wink Emoji
  Winking is covert aggression

As such, I would have thought game player and not gone further.
I will probably have ignored her texts and didn't realise that the effective response would be to frame negotiate from there.

I think the most important objective in texting is to maximise the chances of getting a girl out with the least effort possible.
As such, one should have the mindset of finding angles to get the girl out rather than being overly focused on power dynamics.

---

My Improvement in Brick-Laying

Pulling a Person Up from a Social Hole & Then Countering the Covert Power Move "That's Why I Like You" on this Thread

Lucio broke down the dynamics on the thread.
This was during a meeting with a potential business partner.
He was sharing a story at some point over video conferencing.

Him: (talking about a story)

Him: Sorry for the long rant. (He did talk for a bit too long)

Me: There are 2 things I enjoy.
Ranting and making money. (The making money references something in the story)

Him: That's why I like you Matthew. (He frames himself as the judge now. Social climbing in my opinion)

Me: I'm glad that we can get along. (This is a one-cross according to Lucio)

I have learnt to pull people up generally when they get themselves in a potentially awkward, social hole.
I remain calmer in the face of covert power moves through detachment and a stronger, anti-fragile ego. (Still a work in progress)
Previously, I would fly off the handle if I pulled someone up and he/she exploited that to pull a power move on me.

In short, I handle microaggression and covert aggression much better now.
I am a sensitive person (still am) and used to directly aggress the person employing microaggression & covert aggression.
As a result, I would often appear defensive, lose more status, and felt even angrier.

This is how I would have replied in the past:

Him: That's why I like you Matthew. (He frames himself as the judge now. Social climbing in my opinion)

Me: Fuck you man, I just pulled you up. What a fucking piece of shit you are!

Then everyone would think I'm overly aggressive.

Those words were actually what I was thinking in my head, but the words came out differently as shown above.
So I also learnt that vulnerability is not power.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2021, 6:50 am

Matthew,

Yeah, for deeper comments on the specifics of each situation let's open new threads.

Another example from AR:

Recognized Disempowering Actions From Friend, & Took Action to Pull Myself Up to My Friend’s Level of Power & Status

The Lesson on Frame Control, Video Examples ( especially political ones), have opened my mind in ways whereby, I can come up with frame Control Techniques on the fly.

I met an old friend who now owns a hotel chain in my country.

We met at one of his hotels.
I walked into the lobby.

When I came across him he greeted me, we walked a bit and then he suddenly stopped. He aggressively guided me with his hand and pointed towards a particular sofa for me to sit.

I ignored his gesture as if I didn't notice it. I subtly turned 90 degrees and made a comment about the unusually empty lobby.

And he rushed to explain how it's empty only because if the covid situation, otherwise it is rather full.

I then humbly asked him to get me some water and willingly sat where he had initially pointed.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2021, 3:02 pm

3 examples with the same technique:

How “Strategic Charging” Saved Me $1.000

Definition:

"Strategic charging" is the act of getting what you want by nudging, interjecting, or confidently taking charge whenever people experience a situation of uncertainty that creates a lack of leadership, or lack of commitment towards a certain action.

Strategic charging is an advanced social skills technique.

In the example below, it put at least $1.000 in my pocket.

Equally important, it also saved me lots of time, and added a new place/adventure to my life.

See here the story:

• Strategic charging wins me an entry visa

Again, this is a brick-level technique that can be used in a host of different situations.

“Strategic Charging” Saved Me 7 Minutes At Grocery Checkout

I was reminded of this technique today, at the grocery store checkout.

And it's a good example that sometimes the bricks are "small" daily events you'd barely notice.

The lady wasn't sure whether the bar code on my 3 apricots was correct.
She looked at it, turned around to the other cashier to ask, and then looked again at the fruits, without moving ahead.

That's when I interjected:

Me: It's good, the guy weighed it

What was happening there?

The lady wasn't sure if the barcode was correct.
She was likely going to call someone to make sure, or go weigh it again herself.

This whole thing for 3 apricots that, even in case they were wrongly labeled, was going to change the price by ± 10 cents.
Such as: waiting there for nothing.
Not something I am fond of.

With strategic charging, I didn't waste any time:

Her: (looking at the apricots, still not scanning them)
Me: It's good, the guy weighed it (true, BTW)
Her: (didn't understand English, but understood "good") good?
Me: Yeah, yeah, it's good, the guy weighed it (I re-added the second part to provide a rationale, even if she didn't understood the words, it helps smooth things over)
Her: OK (proceeds to scan the barcode)

“Strategic Charging” Saved Me $50 At Airport

At the boarding gate, I had 2 pieces of luggage.

Why so?

Because, over a lifetime, you will save money & time by not caring about extra-luggage rules because you will always save time and, even if you got extra, most of the times you just go through -it's a potentially grey area of Machiavellian thinking, but I ultimately believe that with the time I save checking and complying to luggage rules, I can add more value to the world-.

Turns out, this time, they did want to check:

(at the boarding gate, I was one of the last & with other people behind me, which I knew put social pressure on my side, and greatly increased my odds)
Attendant: Wait, you can only bring 1 piece of luggage
Me: (one step strategically ahead, looking back towards her, body language saying "I'm 70% gone already") I just put this one out for convenience, but I can put it inside the bigger bag. OK for you? I checked in already with it (looking expectantly for an "OK")

All said it quite fast.

This was a slightly different type of "strategic charging".

The fligh attendant was not undecided, she spoke with high confidence and power.

That made it important that I provided a strong logical reason, which was there -ie. "I could put this smaller one into the bigger one and adhere your rules, but it's just a waste of time" + "someone in your company was cool with it, so shouldn't you be OK with it as well?"-.

Importantly, I power-protected it with "OK for you" and made it far easier for her to say "OK go" then "no, stop here".

“Strategic Charging” Gets You Girls

Strategic charging can often be useful for men in dating.

Whenever a girl is vacillating between "no" and "yes" and you take charge and start acting like you're going to go ahead with something -say, trade contact information- 90% of the time you will go ahead.

This might not be ideal since it's usually better if she does want to go ahead herself -in our example, far better if she wants to trade contact information without any charging on your side-.

Yet, it's still far better to get a "maybe" contact than not getting anything at all.

I don't have data on how many times a "strategically charged" contact turns into a date and eventually sex, but it worked enough times that I can say "getting a contact is better than not getting one".

Use this over a lifetime, and you will go on a lot more dates, and get intimate with more women, compared to a power-unaware guy.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 24, 2021, 2:13 am

Knowing How Dominance Looks Grew My Acting Career

Before the coronavirus outbreak, I booked a role on season two of Murder in the Family. There was a scene where most of my acting had to be nonverbal because, in post-production, it was supposed to be narrated over as the introductory scene.

I used Lucio's "Body Language of Dominance" to strategically communicate nonverbal information to the audience about the scene as well as what was going on inside of my character's head.

When we wrapped up day two of filming, the producer said, "You elevated the character," then turned to a family member I had brought with me and said, "He's a future academy award-winner."

 

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 24, 2021, 2:25 am

How Social Power and an "Exception-Seeking Frame" Got Me An Exclusive Opportunity

I attended a speech by Mae C. Jemison, the first woman of color to go to space. At the end of her speech was a meet and greet. I waited in line for 15 minutes only to have the gatekeeper tell me that my ticket was not a meet and greet ticket and only guaranteed me a seat to her speech. I walked away disappointed because it was too late to get new tickets and I didn't want to hold up the long line.

After walking away, I realized that this was an opportunity to try out what I had learned in the Social Power course (now Power University) so far. I got back in line and re-approached the gatekeeper. She recognized me but had a pleasant smile on her face. (I was expecting a more judgmental facial expression considering she had already turned me away once before and here I was again basically "wasting her time".)

I looked her in the eyes and said, "I know I was just here and I don't have a meet and greet ticket, but have you ever made an exception?"

I was now leaning a bit on the railing to my left, holding unbreakable eye contact with her. (I had no idea if "locking in" was a smart move, all I knew is that I wanted to look dominant and locking in to appear more comfortable was one way to do it.)

She gave me a warm smile and said something along the lines of, "We're not really allowed to do that. We have a contract with Ms. Jemison that she's only willing to take pictures with everyone who buys a meet and greet ticket."

When she "shot me down" the people behind me had heard and started laughing. Personally, I felt like they were laughing at me because they had all bought their tickets and here I was trying to negotiate my way inside for free.

I turned back to the gatekeeper and said, "Look, I completely understand and if I were in your shoes I would feel the same way. Would it be possible to make one exception this time?"

I leaned back on the railing as we locked eyes for what was at least eight seconds (looking back, I'm surprised neither of us blinked). Since everyone in line was behind me and she was the gatekeeper standing opposite of us, it started to seem like it was all of us against her. From the outside looking in, one could easily perceive the situation as all of them passively shaming her for not letting one guy get a picture—which now meant she was "the heartless woman" holding up the line.

I tilted my head to the side a little to seem slightly submissive so as to not be overly dominant when I have no tangible leverage here. The social pressure began to really build up in the eye contact and silence of those eight seconds.

Finally, she looked at me, said, "You're breaking my heart," and in a low voice said "go" while she nodded towards the entrance behind her.

I thanked her and this was the result:

 

Yup, I got that picture. ?

*Note: Edits were made based on more details that I later remembered.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 25, 2021, 4:00 am

Knowing Power Dynamics Scored Me a Full Refund On a Three-Piece Men's Suit

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 24, 2020, 7:44 pm

The "honey deal trap"...man I'm learning so much :).

I think I might be in a similar situation right now that would be interesting to share.

Back in March, I ordered a suit for a meeting with directors and producers that was scheduled to take place in June. The company said the package would arrive in 8 - 10 business days.

After placing the order in March, the package had not arrived until a few days ago in August. That means that the meeting had already passed and I no longer needed the suit.

I was concerned this might happen when I placed this order, which is why I ordered so many months in advance. After the 10th business day had passed, I immediately disputed the transaction with my bank to make sure I could get my money back if push came to shove after contacting the company (I wasn't sure if they would negotiate in good faith, but I was concerned they'd stubbornly hold onto the money because companies are going out of business due to the virus and need every cent they can get). This was their response:

Since the first early reach out to the company that I made back in March was only done as insurance, there was no real urgency yet with the meeting being all the way in June. But, now we're in June.

Luckily, the meeting had been pushed back due to the virus as well, so I patiently waited 13 more days instead of 10 for more negotiating power.

Still no package.

So, I notified them to contact their logistics department to search for it, all the while keeping my bank updated on the situation. This is what they said:

Ouch. Not good news. We're in July now, the date for the meeting has passed, and I no longer need the package. What I need now, is a refund. So, between keeping my bank updated on this new development, I'm also contacting the company. This was my first response:

Looking back, perhaps I could have been more persuasive here in this reach out. However, I'm emailing with the expectation of receiving a refund so that they can display good customer service and maintain a good relationship with a "happy" customer (I was actually upset, but didn't want to break rapport).

I also held back on the persuasion because when they offered me only a $10 discount, something told me they weren't going to be too open to giving me a full refund later down the line (which is what I wanted). By reaching out this way, if they don't give me a refund now, it looks worse on them when I show these emails to my bank, in which case I would have a higher chance of getting my full money back.

Their response:

They don't give any timeframe on when they will get back to me, all we can tell from their email is that they completely ignore my request for a refund.

Note to self: be more direct next time you reach out to them.

They sent that email on July 31. Since they gave no timeframe, I have to reach out to them weeks later to find out what's going on:

The virus affecting shipping speed can cause customer satisfaction to suffer. That's understandably out of their control, but there's no real excuse for this lack of customer service here. They respond with:

I'm already in something of a sour mood from the whole process, and now they're asking for favors. Still, I want my money, so I make the calls and do the work over the following six days. Nothing.

Remember that note to self I made earlier about being more direct in terms of wanting a refund? Here's where I apply my lessons learned.

I address the confirmation link and post office so that we can remove it from the conversation. Then, I put my foot down a bit harder.

I'm not sure how banks operate in terms of disputing transactions, but I assumed if they saw emails of me attacking the company angrily, they'd feel less like I deserved a refund and be less inclined to help out. So, as dissatisfied as I am, I do my best to maintain warmth throughout my emails. This is what the company says:

Even if it wasn't their intention, after the way they ignored my first request for a refund as well as the extra work they have me doing, it feels as if the only reason they brought up the post office in the first place was so they could shift the blame toward them. This way, they keep their money, I get my money, my bank has one less issue to deal with, and everybody wins.

Smart, but the way they went about it wasn't smooth at all. It's as if they thought I wouldn't notice the game being played here after we've been emailing back and forth for the past five months.

It's at this point that it's really setting in the severe power disadvantage that I'm at. They could draw this out until the end of the year in which case my time is more important than these trivial emails. It makes their apology for making me wait sting much more.

Either way, as bad as I want to fully put my foot down by using the Insist & Dominate frame control technique, I'm at the point of using the broken record frame control technique to be direct without being demanding. Since I'm at such a power disadvantage, I have a strong feeling that what's going to make the difference here isn't me, it's my bank. In response to my "broken record" frame control, the company finally says:

I have no need for the suit anymore, so yes, I'll take the refund. After I let them know this, they pull what I believe to be the honey deal trap.

Honey Deal Trap:

That's not happening :). Let's see what happens when I play dumb.

Here, I'm pretty much trying my best not to expend too much social effort since this entire process has now felt like an almost half a year argument. I should've guessed that someone who wants to keep their money this bad wouldn't be swayed by a trick like this, especially when they're the ones with my money and in the power position.

Great. Time to bust out those Yale negotiation skills :).

If you're a little unsure of what my thought process is as far as why I think this is a honey deal trap, I'll explain it the same way I explained it to them:

In other words, I didn't come all this way to get screwed over by a cheap shot.

My bank doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot, so I empower the company to work with me on solutions that will allow us both to walk away satisfied. I extend an olive branch to recruit them to my side.

Instead of working with me to find a solution, they slap away the olive branch and demand that I "trust them". They say there is no risk even if I close it first, but don't use the persuasive power of "because" to explain why there is no risk. So, I'm supposed to only take their word for it.

---

Here's the thing, as bad as I want my money back, this whole experience has been worth more than what I paid for the suit. If I close the dispute now, not only am I at risk of not getting a refund at all, but I lose the opportunity to put more of the negotiation and frame control techniques I learned to good use.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 24, 2020, 10:28 pm

I'm at an information disadvantage here, so it may be worth it to run a quick check of the policies listed on their website.

So far, since I don't know what their weak points are, my negotiation choices have been implemented based on their responses. For example, here was my response to their email that I should trust them because there is no risk even if I close the dispute first:

Here, I used what I call "argument flipping", a negotiation strategy I learned from negotiation expert (and my former Yale professor) Barry Nalebuff. I'm testing the waters on how far they will go to play this game since they completely ignored my willingness to work with them on a solution that will work for both of us when I said, "What can we do to make this work?"

As far as your comment on my freedom, energy, and peace of mind, I appreciate your friendliness mate. However, I see this as an opportunity to put everything I've learned to good use. I'm curious to see how this case unfolds, what ways I can achieve my desired end result, and what else I can learn from this company's style of negotiation, customer service habits, and social skills in difficult situations such as this one. I'm kind of excited about this opportunity for my personal development!

So far, my primary concern is that they'll stop emailing altogether. But, that's not in their best interest since the dispute case with my bank is still open.

Either way, it's not easy going up against a customer service representative with so much domain authority. The best-case scenario would have been collaboration since a competitive frame would most likely end in a win-lose with me losing. Since they've rejected my initial move for collaboration, I really want to see how this ends.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on September 9, 2020, 4:46 pm

If you've been following so far, you remember my little "argument flip" on the topic of risk when it comes to closing the dispute vs issuing the refund first.

Here was their reply:

Once again, they shift the conversation back to me needing to "trust them".

At this point, there's not a whole lot that I can do. If this is how they're going to play it, then they're not negotiating on the basis of "principled arguments" that I was taught throughout the Yale course. They're negotiating on the basis of "ethics and morals" like trust. That changes the entire game.

I had the option of taking their "moral high ground" judge frame and reframing to something more collaborative while attaching another "high moral" to it. Something like:

Ali: "Look, this isn't about trust, it's about fairness and I think the route that would be the most fair for everyone is if we..."

Still, I felt like that would be no fun. I really wanted to see how this would end if I trusted them. Are they actually an honest company? Have I been a little too harsh in judging them?

So, instead, this is how I responded:

If you haven't checked out Lucio's post on the silver medal technique, you're seriously missing out. I used this technique in another negotiation and it worked like an actual charm.

After sending this message, I still took some time to review all my options. If I decide to call my bank and close the dispute like I said I would, the ball would be fully in their court and they would have the full power they need to screw me. So, I made a few calls to see if I could get a wild card up my sleeve. Unluckily, not much could be done at this point.

So, I followed through with my end of the deal the same day:

I used the silver medal technique on August 28 and closed the dispute that same day as promised.

Three days later, the company went out of their way to email me to confirm whether or not the dispute had actually been closed. This email that I sent to them (the email above) contained both an image and full attachment of the email confirmation I received from my bank that, yes, the dispute has been closed for three days now.

The real question now is, how's that refund coming?

They ask for a day to sort things out with their financial.  I give them a week, then have to go through the trouble of following up to figure out what's going on (what happened to the promptness you showed when you weren't sure if the dispute had been closed yet?).

Long story short, this was their response:

Didn't hold up their end of the deal but made sure to try and secure my business for the future. The definition of trying to have your cake and eat it too.

Honestly, when I got this email, I was annoyed. Luckily, I wasn't disappointed because my expectations for this company were already very low. But, I felt that this was a very cheap cop-out that showed their hand.

I already forwarded them all of the information they needed as proof that the dispute is already closed. If they were interested in playing fair, they would have worked with me to find a solution to the problem of "the complaint still being opened" since it sounds like more of a problem on their end at this point.

If there is actually a serious problem on their end preventing the refund from going through, they can't admit that they're no longer able to provide the refund because I promised them my long-term business in exchange for their honesty. So, instead of putting themself in a position where they have to go back on their word and risk losing my business, they make the claim that the problem is actually on my end so they can pitch me more products while still holding onto my refund.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on September 29, 2020, 11:38 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 9, 2020, 9:18 pm

Thank you for the update, Ali!

Not happy to read you didn't get your refund, of course, but the bigger picture looks far better.

You handled this with great oversight and a great overall strategy. You secured the trump card, then negotiated from a power position, tested them, used a silver medal to decrease their incentive to cheat, and finally you decided to give them a chance to take the high road.

Personally, at this point, I'd email them again in 10 days time or so, just so that you can make sure they were indeed behaving poorly -and to put them in the tough spot of having to make even more nonsense excuses-.
And I might add in there something like "my bank told me that by now you must see on your end that the complaint is closed", so you basically take their main excuse away.

Thanks for the feedback, Lucio!

I did just that.

They responded the same day:

I end up giving them six days without hearing a word from them, leading me to follow up with this:

And, finally, the words we've all been waiting for:

Awesome :).

We'll have to see if they actually refund the money now, but I'm really just glad Lucio's advice to follow up worked. If Lucio hadn't made the suggestion to reach out again, I would've 100% given up on this negotiation simply out of distrust in the company.

Now, we wait...

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 24, 2020, 10:32 pm

Quick update:

Success! The refund arrived straight to my bank account as they promised ?

Lucio's notes on this approach:

Lucio: You secured the trump card, then negotiated from a power position, tested them, used a silver medal to decrease their incentive to cheat, and finally you decided to give them a chance to take the high road.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 25, 2021, 4:14 am

How Leveraging the Social Exchange (By Using Gratitude) Connected Me to Multiple Bestselling Authors At Once

Quote from Ali Scarlett on December 13, 2020, 6:40 pm

So, when I got a book deal opportunity, I was in talks with the company because they don't let everyone in.

When I secured the opportunity and started writing my book, I had also completed this part of Ullmen's persuasion course:

The Power "Thank You" Method

The most influential persuaders practice a habit of gratitude.

How To Use the Power "Thank You" Method

(1) Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you.

(2) Acknowledge the thought and effort the person took to help you.

(3) Tell the person how their action made a difference in your life and what actions you'll take going forward because of it.

And, I had already congratulated them on their good choice as I learned in Power University, but something told me that this was a great opportunity to see how good I was at using the Power Thank You Method. So, this was my email:

As you can see, I implemented every step in the method. And, here was the response:

He shared my email with the main team, and as a result, I was able to connect with numerous established bestselling authors within the company.

So, when I say that all of the strategies and techniques I share have been real-world-tested, this is what I mean. I've used this technique in a couple of other instances where it didn't work as well, but so far the results have been great in the field. And, of course, giving gratitude is also a way of giving value, which can increase your social capital.

So, I highly recommend this one :).