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How to balance being vulnerable and maintaining high power with friends?
My husband and I move around a lot and find it hard to establish a core group of friends over time. We do have friends in every new city that we move to and hang out socially now and then; however, most weekends we hang out with each other unless we reach out to specific friends and make plans with them. The fact that we have to do most of the initiation seems to put us in a lower power position to me and I am feeling quite self-conscious about that.
The other day, when we were hanging out with this friend - she's a good friend of ours that we meet once every few months, my husband confided with her that our network in the city we live in is much more limited than ours back home.
Later on, she followed up with a question: So do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
To me, that was just a question to invite us to elaborate on the topic and a way for us all to be more vulnerable and stay connected with one another. But I felt like that put us in a lower status than her. Especially since she mentioned in passing comments how she has so many weddings to go to this year (aka she has a lot of friends).
Also, previously when we told her we were about to have a baby, she asked: So do you regret not partying or going out as much before you are about to have kids?
To me, this friend seems to have a perception that we are not socially high-power. What can I say or do in similar situations to restore the social balance, in a way that I can still be authentic and real with these friends but have their perceptions of my social power in a more positive light?
Hope this makes sense!
First off, congratulations on the baby!
And about the question... Great one.
That's all advanced frame control (and you've already done a great analysis, and correctly assessed the dynamic).
The next not so easy step is what to do about it. Before replying I'm curious to hear some other opinions here.
Especially this question here:
Quote from dsnw2022 on July 26, 2022, 8:52 pmSo do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
Later on, she followed up with a question: So do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
The frame behind her question is that it is important to have a high number of friends and anyone not having that is lacking.
One way to respond to this is to change the frame to how it's better to have a small group of friends who you can trust and have a deeper connection with than to have a large group of friends who you know at a surface level.
Also that there is a joy in having kids which is a whole new experience than having friends and it is important to spend time on both.
Quote from Growfast on July 26, 2022, 10:34 pm(...)
One way to respond to this is to change the frame to how it's better to have a small group of friends who you can trust and have a deeper connection with than to have a large group of friends who you know at a surface level.
(...)
That sounds like the "frame flip" technique (turning a perceived weakness into a strength).
And, I think that could be great if it's done well.
At the same time, I'm also concerned that it might create an enemy because the receiver seems to already be in a competitive frame.
So, the frame control might come across as:
- Her: I'm better than you because I have more friends
- You: Actually, I'm better than you because I have better relationships with the friends I have
That "me vs you" frame can lead to a negative outcome if one isn't careful to do some agreeing + maybe bridging.
So, personally, I would've responded with the meta-comment technique:
Her: So do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
You: That's a weird question to ask.
Then, maybe add a frame surfacing question to allow her to expand on her frame so it's easier to agree + redirect.
My take would be even more on the side of “attacking back”, because I perceive the question as very nasty:
Her: So do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
You: It’s so kind of you to worry about us, but we’re fine thank you. (interpreting her question as if she wanted to help, but also subcommunicating:“don’t play this “feel bad” game with me”)
I agree with Ali. Women are often a bit more indirect with their comms. So I think if you said 'thats an interesting question' with a flat tone it would get the job done. The lack of warmth would be all that's needed.
The other way is you could say with a curious tone 'that's an interesting question - why do you ask that?' And then when she tries to backtrack or cover with some BS go 'anyway' and change the topic. 'Anyway' is dismissive like yea I see your BS but I'm not interested in it.
You could also go further with the frame flipping. Saying few friends, deeper connection seems like you're justifying yourself. Instead you could say 'don't worry it might seem like you guys are a bit stuck here but your time to travel and have a bit of fun will come. You deserve it. It will happen'.
Now you're giving her support. If she justifies agree with her but with a slightly disbelieving tone.
IMO the 2nd option I gave is safest if you want to preserve the relationship. But yea this person is judgemental and likely socially competitive. You don't have claws like that unless you sharpen them regularly.
Later on, she followed up with a question: So do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
This is a loaded/leading question. She assumes you feel sad and because you already admitted that you would like to have more friends, you can only answer "yes" to be coherent. It's a trap.
I would go with a philosopher frame (on the spot not always easy):
"Well, I think everyone likes to be around their friends. Anyway, I'm happy that we get to know more people every week/month (re-empower yourself)"
Question 2
Also, previously when we told her we were about to have a baby, she asked: So do you regret not partying or going out as much before you are about to have kids?
Same here: loaded/leading question she sets the frame. I would also use a philosopher's frame:
Well, it's all about priorities. I had a lot of fun partying and I will still go out. The only difference is that now my priority is the baby. You don't want any child? (one-up back, optional)
These questions reeks of jealousy and frenemy, tread carefully and make her feel good about herself (Machiavellian).
@transitioned, @bel, @aliscarlett - thank you for sharing your suggestions. The tricky thing with going meta in this situation is that my husband did initiate this topic and confided with her earlier about how our social network in the city that we currently live in is much more limited than our network back home. So if I go meta on her comment and say 'That's a weird question' or 'Why did you ask that?', she could easily respond with 'Well because you guys mentioned this earlier'.
As I go through the frame control techniques in PU, I think I could have used the Frame Rejection or Reframing techniques but to put these techniques into something that would flow in this situation is challenging.
My husband did say something, which, upon my reflection, sounds quite reasonable for a reframing response. The last part of the response does sound like a justification and still put us in a lower power position in my opinion. What do you all think?
Well it's not that we don't have a lot of friends. It's more about the permanence and nature of the relationship. With our network back home, we know there's more permanence and history to the relationship. Versus here where we are living, people move around a lot and we prefer to be friends with people that we have history with, rather than making friends with completely new people who we don't know.
It's a good answer. However, there is a problem: investment. There's too much investment here. It sounds defensive only because of the heavy investment, not the content.
In the same vein, I think this would have worked better:
We have many friends. As you know long-time friendships are different than new friendships. Anyway, we're happy if you want to introduce us to other people! (put the onus back on her, tasks her, judge role, now she has to answer)
@amerok I didn't see your response after I posted my earlier post. Thanks so much for the suggestions.
Regarding Question 1, I think the philosopher's frame, especially with the re-empowering bit towards the end, works well without making it a justification and getting sucked into her frame.
Regarding Question 2, initially, I was thinking going meta would work because her question sounds more like she was projecting her attitude on me. So I would respond with something like
Why do you ask that? Are you afraid of not being able to do fun things if/when you have kids?
However, I do like your response more because it helps to correct her perception of me not having fun by saying that ' I did and I will continue to have fun' and go meta by posing the question 'Do you not want kids' back to her.
