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How to balance being vulnerable and maintaining high power with friends?
@amerok ah you beat me to it again hahaha. I hadn't thought of the investment angle to the response earlier and I think you are right. It was too elaborate of a response. But I don't know about tasking her with introducing us to other people though - does it make it seem like she has the 'upper hand' here because it sub-communicates that she has more friends and we will need her help in expanding our social circle?
As Lucio said, the problem with surfacing is that it is high investment. It's also a form of escalation. So it's a powerful weapon but to be used in 2nd intention not as a first line in these kind of social/light situation I believe. It's a matter of calibration here I think.
It's not meta to go "Do you not want kids?" I think. It's more a mirror of her own insecurity that you project back at her. She feels inferior to you because you're going to have a baby. So you take into account and mirror this insecurity back on her. Because she deserved it for being nasty.
This is not a honest vulnerability-sharing conversation. It is a power conversation: "who's on top".
Sometimes you want to end up on top because they've been asking for it. It's a form of punishment where you win because they try to make you lose. They brought it on themselves.
@amerok ah you beat me to it again hahaha. I hadn't thought of the investment angle to the response earlier and I think you are right. It was too elaborate of a response. But I don't know about tasking her with introducing us to other people though - does it make it seem like she has the 'upper hand' here because it sub-communicates that she has more friends and we will need her help in expanding our social circle?
Nope. That is the frame you bought into, hence your husband's answer. Your frame is: "I'm going to use you to grow my social circle". You see the difference? This is machiavellian because this person is not a person you want to have a deep and true connection with.
It might shock you, but that's what's most effective in your case. Who cares if she has more friends? You want "more friends" not "more friends than her".
Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't let her drag you to her level. Fly higher. Focus on what you can control: yourself.
Quote from John Freeman on July 27, 2022, 8:43 pm
I am not sure I understand what you mean by 'the difference' here. The difference between my frame of 'I am going to use you to grow my social circle' vs. what exactly?
Nope. That is the frame you bought into, hence your husband's answer. Your frame is: "I'm going to use you to grow my social circle". You see the difference? This is machiavellian because this person is not a person you want to have a deep and true connection with.
It might shock you, but that's what's most effective in your case. Who cares if she has more friends? You want "more friends" not "more friends than her".
Comparison is the thief of joy. Don't let her drag you to her level. Fly higher. Focus on what you can control: yourself.
Good answers already.
I see two good high-level formats here:
1. Reject and set new frame
- Frame rejection
- Reset your new frame
In its basic format:
Her: So do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
You: Not really, I like getting to know more people
It can be smoothened in a thousand ways, including, for example:
You: Yeah (<- brdige / align), some people feelthat way (<- validate his initial frame) and it's understandable (<- validate x2), you move to a new city, you start from scratch socially (<- validate x3), the first period can be challenging for some (<- Now you start moving away. Note: you're also re-framing in a far more empowered way. You say "the first period", you say "challenging" rather than sad, and you say "for some")Â
But not for us. We... (<- now your set the frame for you, not for those others people for whom it's challenging)Â
You can also of course not reject their frame at all, and simply bridge and then start off saying "as for us... ".
2. Thread-cut and set your frame
Their frame is negative.
So you want to avoid expanding it, and you want to minimize it.
One way is to completely sidestep it, not even reject it, and
Her: So do you guys feel sad about not having a lot of friends here or what?
You: We've just gotten here but we've traveled before and always made friends before. Some places are easier than other by the way (new potential thread: the different cultures, and it also sets you as the judge of this new place/culture combo)
In any case, we're planning to make good friends here as well
3. Power Move
You can also use the opportunity for a compliment and small power move:
You: we're planning to make good friends here as well, and you guys seem quite cool (so far)
The power move is called for in this case as it's insensitive to meet someone and ask them if it's sad they have no friends.
That frame denies that you can be friends, which is a form of distancing/rejecting.
Probably not on purpose, but still...
This format here surfaces that fact, and also takes a judge role.
