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How to bond over longer distance

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Quote from hunter on June 7, 2021, 10:13 am

I think for me it’s about the basics on power and sense of self (not being needy like double texting which different to passion).

Regarding her I’m just going to leave it for now and see what’s happening when I go back to the city.

Yeah, if we wanted to maximize the odds, I'd also advise that:

Leave it for a while.

Then every once in a while you can send some cool pictures of your travels, or of food dishes, or of something interesting that you've seen or tried, with captivating/fun captions.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

An update on this interaction.

I left this alone with no contact since the original thread, about three weeks. I was driving through the city for other reasons so I decided to go for a meet up on text.

Me: Meet me this evening

Her: Where

Me: Walk along the water. Pick you up at 8.30

Her: I can’t tonight. Let’s do it tomorrow with the sun

Me: Alright say 2pm

—next day—

Her: Don’t feel like doing it today. I’m sorry. Let’s talk another day

Me: I’m leaving [city] tonight. Relax, it’s no big deal to go for walk

—4 days later—

Me: disappearing audio message of me laughing saying “You told me you’re a passionate dancer but you never mentioned to wear a neck brace for the whiplash”

This is a such a flip it’s basically funny. It suggests she’s either an immature game player or she’s really quite conflicted / something is up.

I can’t accept this kind of thing – it stuffed my around a lot since I extended for the next day.

Any advice on sensitive ultimatums in case she’s actually quite conflicted? The last audio message is attempting to give her a chance to step up using humour instead of heavy handed conversations. Obviously assuming she gets back to me again, at the moment I’m not initiating anything more. Alternatively just leave it regardless but that strikes me as too passive since this was so ridiculous.

 

Here is my analysis from that conversation of yours.

Not reacting to the fact that you'are leaving only means that she doesn't value you high enough after all this time.

What is done is done better to move on.

Persistence is better when it is calculated relatively to power you give away.

Even if you persist you still communicate that you pursue. What we persue so hard to extrem, communicate that the thing or someone has alot of value in our eyes. So you still give away Power.

However there is a way it can work. It is what Lucio call in his article Atypical seduction techniques. Yet I can hardly imagine that will work through texts. It needs physical presence or at least your voice should be heard.

One other thing, it's good to take risks. Yet, it also should be a calculated risk.

In my opinion, when things go south. A better risk is to "Warn" (not "Threaten") to end things. A bad risk, is putting her on pedestal as you did before.

It's good to be bold and aggressive about his desire. It's 10x better than someone who is just pleasing a girl to get her.

Yet they are only good if you know how to read the situation. That is something we learn here.

So if you think after all this time, there was something meaningful between you two. Warn her, that you'll cut her out.

Else, just drop it and move on (That's what I recommended).

ELKOUHLANI: In my opinion, when things go south. A better risk is to "Warn" (not "Threaten") to end things. A bad risk, is putting her on pedestal as you did before.

I recall Lucio used a technique like

Are you still keen on meeting up?
I cannot keep chasing :).

I'm also on the same page as ELKOUHLANI that it may require less effort with better chances to pursue another girl than this current girl.

ELKOUHLANI has reacted to this post.
ELKOUHLANI

Hi guys

Thanks for the input. My reasoning re pursuing slash caring is simply that I am rarely actually attracted to someone on a deeper level, so when it happens I just want to take it as far as I can. I’m quite romantic and idealistic basically.  I recognise I’m at the end of the universe right now with her, but fuck it. I’ve been on many dates and slept elsewhere in the interim, it’s not all or nothing.

I realise there’s a big focus here at TPM on effort as an indication of relative power, but I don’t think low effort is most effective always. Ie I can lose power via the effort but make more back in the process.

So I think the problem with the lightweight question “do you want to meet or no” is just that it’s giving her power and options but doesn’t actually reclaim power- you’re simply deferring to her again.

So for me the ultimatum is about reclaiming personal power and integrity and simply saying that I don’t accept what you’re doing and you can take that or leave it. That’s empowering yet reasonable and fair to others, but yes to do that effectively you do need to make an effort in the communication.

Anyway after much deliberation I did send her an ultimatum via recorded audio imessage. I expect no response or anger.  But I do reclaim integrity and effectively “leave on my terms not hers”.. I considered she may be in a conflicted spot right now and I may be adding unwanted pressure, but she’s just not doing anything to make that my consideration.

Anyway this was the message I recorded and sent.. bon voyage

Firstly you don't owe me anything at all, zero obligations right.

But I expect more from the people close to me than what happened last week. I deserve more consideration and better communication.

I know you're socially intelligent so I know you understand what you did. What I don't understand are your circumstances.

So it’s completely up to you to decide if you want to communicate with me. But recognise how you act now will determine whether I’ll speak to you again.”

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