Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
How to convey that “I am a friend” instead of "I am not an enemy"?
Subject: How to convey that “I am a friend” instead of "I am not an enemy"?
Dear my friends, the last time I logged in was a while ago but I've been practicing things I learnt here. I've recently encountered a puzzle in both social and professional settings.
When I am making a critical notes for someone else, the default reaction is usually taking me as their enemy. This is sad truth for most of the time: not everyone is trained with TPM's anti-fragile growth mindset. I am just a nice guy offering value-adding advices to my colleagues and my organization, but my colleagues, especially the senior ones in power, will often be offended and subtly view me as their enemy somehow.
How to make friends instead of enemies?
Several books and several articles I read on this site, briefly mentioned something like: conveying "I am a friend" is usually better than "I am not an enemy" (please correct me if Lucio never said something like this). So, now, my question is, what are some social dynamic examples, or example phrases that I can say to imply that "I am a friend". Any explanation or references will help!
Shall I directly say something like "Dear my friend", "I am a friend of you", "I am value-giving for you", and "this will benefit you and our organization"?
I think we'd need a bit more detail on the situation. A few initial thoughts. Advice is the only thing you can't give away. Don't give unsolicited advice unless its a friend or relative and you can see a real disaster coming.
If its a critique of a plan or document. Start by specifically praising part of it. E.g. 'I really liked how your shed project is in a couple of stages so you can get something done if time or money is a bit short that month'
When you do call out a negative include yourself in it. E.g. everytime I make a plan for a project round the house I never allow enough money. Its the little things that add up and catch me. Maybe you could allow a bit extra on the costs'.
Quote from Transitioned on June 20, 2022, 4:57 amI think we'd need a bit more detail on the situation. A few initial thoughts. Advice is the only thing you can't give away. Don't give unsolicited advice unless its a friend or relative and you can see a real disaster coming.
If its a critique of a plan or document. Start by specifically praising part of it. E.g. 'I really liked how your shed project is in a couple of stages so you can get something done if time or money is a bit short that month'
When you do call out a negative include yourself in it. E.g. everytime I make a plan for a project round the house I never allow enough money. Its the little things that add up and catch me. Maybe you could allow a bit extra on the costs'
Good advices!
And I just notice that there is a forum rule to include details in questions. Sorry I missed that as I am still a newcomer comparing to you guys.
I thought the situation mentioned in the main thread broadly applies to all areas of our life. For example, when our lovers is playing games or gets emotional, we sometimes want to give advices to "correct" that behavior. For another example, in my organization many mid-level professionals have the obligation to write critiques to the plans, documents, reports and all kind of papers prepared in our department.
I am more interested in the question with a focus on the professional settings. However I can no longer edit the main thread for some reasons. In my organization, whenever a big paper comes out, many mid-level professionals have the obligation to write a short critical note, ranging from three to ten pages. However, some colleagues use the “critique” to actually please others rather than point out mistakes. I, on the other hand, believe that writing an actual critique is the only way to benefit our organization. So, my goal here is to rationally get my points out while emotionally not making enemies.
I've written some critical notes, which faced heavy retaliation from the seniors criticized. They wrote a reply ignoring the verifiable facts in my note, and making a conclusion that they are not convinced with the points I made.
Shall I make a new post with full details or the current level of detail is enough?
To me, it's more a mindset than what you say. If you really want the person to improve then you will convey it. I think it's less in the words than in the intention. I think the mindset is harder to fix than the specific words. With the mindset will come a certain tone, body language and attitude that conveys what you want to convey. Then your words will reflect it. That means: ego/power-protection.
Hey MMC
Same here, man. It improved a lot after I found TPM, but I also used to find myself all the time in the same situation.
Things improved exponentially when I started to put in practice everything Kevin said. One thing that I would emphasize is: if you do need to criticize, also end on a high note. If you start praising and than add a "but", chances are the person is going to forget everything you said before the "but". So I "sandwich" the criticism bringing back the praise at the end.
I also think it's important to balance things out: instead of trying to pinpoint every single error in what someone is doing, pick one or two (two in many contexts is already going overboard) of the things that are really important - if there is more and a disaster is coming, you can do it privately.
I still slip up, but that's where John's comments on mindset apply. My mindset is that it's about fine-tuning something that is already good to secure better wins.
Nice point kavalier made. If you correct every little thing it comes across as nitpicking. When you do focus on a couple of main things another good way is by asking questions.
And now you've said that you are critiquing seniors a little bit of power protecting wouldn't go amiss. I d add the bit that you have learnt something by reading their work. E.g. it's obvious the budget projections are really well-structured it was interesting I hadn't seen it set out that way before. I was wondering if we should budget across the teams or do you think for the audience it's better to focus in on our team?
That way you can point out potential gaps but it becomes more of a discussion than a critique. Which helps your influence because if you are discussing things on the same level with a senior go you!
In finest tpm tradition it also is win win because it helps them communicate with their audience. If the document is from a senior you can guarantee it was written with a particular audience in mind and a particular outcome. One of the dangers when working intensely on a document is snow blindness. You are so deeply immersed in the topic that you assume other people know what you know. Fresh eyes is one of the main benefits of reviews.
Quote from Kavalier on June 20, 2022, 9:12 pmHey MMC
Same here, man. It improved a lot after I found TPM, but I also used to find myself all the time in the same situation.
Things improved exponentially when I started to put in practice everything Kevin said. One thing that I would emphasize is: if you do need to criticize, also end on a high note. If you start praising and than add a "but", chances are the person is going to forget everything you said before the "but". So I "sandwich" the criticism bringing back the praise at the end.
I also think it's important to balance things out: instead of trying to pinpoint every single error in what someone is doing, pick one or two (two in many contexts is already going overboard) of the things that are really important - if there is more and a disaster is coming, you can do it privately.
I still slip up, but that's where John's comments on mindset apply. My mindset is that it's about fine-tuning something that is already good to secure better wins.
Thank you very much Kavalier, Freeman, Transitioned! Here is my brief summary of your thoughts. Please correct me if I made any mistakes.
- Have a growth mindset for all and my words and action will naturally convey that intention - Freeman
- Have a mindset/frame of "fine-tuning something that is already good" -Kavalier
- Start by specifically praising part of it -Transitioned
- End with high note - Kavalier
- Pick one (or two) gaming changing points; don't nitpicking every little thing -Kavalier
- Frame the critique as a discussion - Transitioned
- Say that I learnt a lot - Transitioned
- Be power-protecting - Transitioned
- When call out a negative include myself in it -Transitioned
Thank you for the note Kevin, I still have to take a look into this, but now that you flagged it I will.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 21, 2022, 5:02 pm
- Don't be too concise
- Don't be vague
- Don't trying to be cute
- Don't be too straight
- Recognize some problems are mine.
For example, when the article I criticize is too obscure and I want to suggest a more direct and concise way to express the idea, I would say "a new writing style will benefit a boarder audience on my level".
