How to expand one's social circle

Quote from John Freeman on October 8, 2022, 10:57 am

A major advantage of expanding one's social circle:

You can create scarcity and therefore increasing demand and status because the value of what you offer increases due to its scarcity.

Example:

Before, when I was organising a board game event, I had to do it in advance, motivate and excite the people, cook food so they would get enough value.

Now, they know what they get: basically 4-6 hours of guaranteed fun with cool people in a positive environment with food, beers, wine.

So I have this board game group for a specific 4 players game.

I organised recently such a game. We were already 3, so there was only 1 spot left. So I did not have to expand so much energy because I'm now on the good side of the value proposition.

Me: Hello, we're doing this game with friends on Sunday at 5pm if someone wants to join. We're 3 out of 4.

I had 2 "sorry" power moves out of the 5 people in the group.

I had 1 "I'm travelling to somewhere interesting so I'm not available" power move: my friend is doing humanitarian work for 4 months in Yemen (1 month away already at the time of the message). We all know this, so this was neither funny nor necessary. Just a power move. For the learning, here is the power move:

Him: It would have been with pleasure but I'm a bit far (kissing smiley). (kissing smiley can be quite covertly aggressive, or one-up in this case).

Me: No joke! Hahaha (addresses the power move, frame: "dude I see your move", then builds back reports by laughing at this joke).

I had 1 enthousiastic person who was waiting on his girlfriend to confirm.

JB said he was available.

Me: First come, first served. (meaning: "JB, you're in, the other guy who's waiting on his GF is out")

So now they know that now there is scarcity in what I propose. Before I had to put some energy to motivate people, now the dynamics is inversed.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 9, 2022, 10:46 pm

Rock on, John.

Just for the same of sharing some different approaches:

I'd make the frist one more direct:

Me: Hello, we're doing this game with friends on Sunday at 5pm if someone wants to join. We're 3 already, so there's one free spot

Better to say in advance so you're not forced to deny anyone later on if more than one person joins (preventing the "bearer of bad news" bad position).

The second one you did great, I think.
It's the guy who's on top who's not resentful of other people bragging but instead validates them.

I'd have personally said something like:

Him: It would have been with pleasure but I'm a bit far (kissing smiley)
Me: But still close to our hearts (heart smiley or kissing back or big smiley face) Send some pictures and catch up back here :).
For those still here, let me know if any of you wants to join

The second one is to control the frame and flow.
You close that chapter and move to avoid any off-topic.
You're there to find someone who joins, so you get back to your main topic.

On the last one, it might have been a bit a tad power movey, so I'd have just re-iterated matter of fact and with a sad face to empathize:

Me: Just one place this time sorry 🙁

Quote from Bel on October 10, 2022, 7:36 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 9, 2022, 10:46 pm

I'd have personally said something like:

Him: It would have been with pleasure but I'm a bit far (kissing smiley)
Me: But still close to our hearts (heart smiley or kissing back or big smiley face) Send some pictures and catch up back here :).
For those still here, let me know if any of you wants to join

The second one is to control the frame and flow.
You close that chapter and move to avoid any off-topic.
You're there to find someone who joins, so you get back to your main topic.

This to me is super-advanced verbal judo!

Jam-packed with high-power subcommunication and incredibly useful to learn.

Because, as I interpret the subcommunication:

Him: It would have been with pleasure but I'm a bit far (kissing smiley)

Subcommunicates that:

- he likes being in the group

- he has a judge role

- he is important to the group

- he is now doing something else that is great (maybe better than playing?)

- his being away is a loss diminishing the pleasure to be in the game

maybe he could be the leader here?

Me: But still close to our hearts (heart smiley or kissing back or big smiley face) Send some pictures and catch up back here :).
For those still here, let me know if any of you wants to join

Wonderfully deals with all subcommunication levels:

- we also like when you are here

- we will miss you

- we also are pleased when you are here (sharing judge role)

- you are not the only one doing something important, in fact we have the power of the group and doing things together here and this rebalances our situation with your personal vacation (“close to our hearts”)

- if you want to brag at least back it up with pictures

- you’ll come back even if you now play on your being distant (“catch up back here”)

- and I’m (lightly and jokingly, as per the emoji) tasking you to show I'm (still) the leader;

- now back to business, what this chat was for.

Lucio, to me this example deserves to be in PU in a lesson on subcommunication.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 10, 2022, 11:48 pm

Quote from Bel on October 10, 2022, 7:36 pm

This to me is super-advanced verbal judo!

Jam-packed with high-power subcommunication and incredibly useful to learn.

Because, as I interpret the subcommunication:

Him: It would have been with pleasure but I'm a bit far (kissing smiley)

Subcommunicates that:

- he likes being in the group

- he has a judge role

- he is important to the group

- he is now doing something else that is great (maybe better than playing?)

- his being away is a loss diminishing the pleasure to be in the game

maybe he could be the leader here?

Me: But still close to our hearts (heart smiley or kissing back or big smiley face) Send some pictures and catch up back here :).
For those still here, let me know if any of you wants to join

Wonderfully deals with all subcommunication levels:

- we also like when you are here

- we will miss you

- we also are pleased when you are here (sharing judge role)

- you are not the only one doing something important, in fact we have the power of the group and doing things together here and this rebalances our situation with your personal vacation (“close to our hearts”)

- if you want to brag at least back it up with pictures

- you’ll come back even if you now play on your being distant (“catch up back here”)

- and I’m (lightly and jokingly, as per the emoji) tasking you to show I'm (still) the leader;

- now back to business, what this chat was for.

Lucio, to me this example deserves to be in PU in a lesson on subcommunication.

Great analysis, Bel!

To which I'd add:

That commend presented the risk of bringing the mood down and leaving the group worst off.

Ie.: I'm far away, potentially doing better things, sorry you guys can't have me, will you even be able to schedule the game?

The good, "emotionally aware" leader had to check that emotional tone, and turn it around.

Quote from John Freeman on December 9, 2022, 4:29 pm

Hello everyone,

here is a mistake I was doing I identified when building a social circle.

Previously

I was asking on Wednesdays (-ish) what they were doing on the week-end after a short "how are you?"

So I was more into quantity than quality, I would send messages to a few people and see who was available. Even though I would eventually provide value (games, fun, meal, drinks, etc.) it's more of a taker's approach. I would also contact people too often with this too fill my week-end.

Now

I contact them and ask them how they are, how is their week, work, boyfriend/girlfriend. Then I simply empathize.

Example:

Me: work?

Her: A lot but it's ok

Me: Ah yeah, new projects?

Her: Old ones that last...

Me: Argh, endless?

Her: that's it

Me: Yeah I see it's a bit annoying

...

This only asks a couple to a few minutes. Then it feels natural to ask them about their availability as you and them now have a connection in the moment. It's like asking a girl out on a high point or Lucio's concept of increasing power to use it. You increase your power through

Moral of the story

Building one social is about building a series of relationships. However you want them to be solid relationships. That means good sincere connection. This comes from being interested ans liking the other person. Meeting them or doing an activity together is the consequence of that.

It's also important not to contact people too often. Contacting people every week is for best friends, lovers and family. For friends it's more every 2 weeks and for acquaintance about once a month. More frequently is equivalent to chasing.

It's ok not to have anything planned this week-end. It's more about the long term. So I prefer to have solid "yes!" ideally rather than "yes because you asked and I have nothing better to do"

So it's about prioritzing quality to reap quantity later on.

So the structure is to get in touch to chat with people on Tuesday-Wednesday and if that goes well, a proposition of encounter will naturally emerge out of it (either they or you ask on a high point).

Questions and comments are welcome!

Cheers!

Quote from John Freeman on December 9, 2022, 7:04 pm

Addendum

In terms of mindset and strategy: it’s better to be the guy who’s asking news about people and send them positive vibe than to be the guy chasing people to invite them to events. You can always then invite people or let them invite you. However the dynamics is different.

There’s a giving vs taking dynamics here I think.

How many people are contacting you from now and then to know how you are? Not many, right? So if you are this person then people will feel closer to you.

Also getting in touch with people from now and then builds familiarity. And familiarity improves friendship.

I understand that my strategy will probably evolve in the future. I’ll update this thread accordingly.

Quote from John Freeman on December 10, 2022, 3:43 pm

Asking what people are doing this week-end

There is also a powerful side effect when you ask people what they are doing this week-end just to know what they're doing. That means: you're not asking them to check if they're free to propose an event. You ask them out of curiosity because you care about them and want to know what they're up to.

This is quite machiavellian/strategic as well.

With a friend that I've been chasing for event: he's now thinking: what? Now he got a Life where he does not need me to have something to do?

This happened to me today. When I asked him what he was doing he was already telling me that he's not available. I ignored and told him what I was doing and sent him pictures of what I did today. So the move is from:

Somebody trying to build his social life and needing other people for that reason (low power)

To

Somebody with a great social life thinking about his friends and about how  they are doing and texting them. This will get them chasing.

This is not something to manufacture out of the air. One must have a life with many things to do and then out of the blue you text people to know how they are. You're so warm that you care about them and you're so high power/value that you're busy doing something.

When they propose you, you tell them that you're already something (not in a power move way) and that you're happy doing something together the following week. You can also propose them to do something and then if they propose sometime when you're busy then you propose another date.

You're busy AND available.

You're busy because you have a great life full of exciting things.

AND

You're available to the people you like and love as you always find some time for them.

Isn't it what a cool, high-value, high-quality, high-warmth, high power guy does?

I think it is.

Now imagine being on the receiving end of this. Your cool friend (he's your friend so he's cool right) who's always organising cool stuff is contacting you to know how you're doing. You chat a bit, vibe, laugh. The logical conclusion of this conversation is: "so when are we seeing each other again?". You say that you're busy but you find another date. Now you're not chasing people anymore, you're offering them an opportunity. From taking to giving.

And of course when you say that you're not available, you mention without too much details (not too much investment) all the cool things you're going to do. So not bragging just informing.

I noticed that in dating girls I met on Tinder/Bumble get it right away. When I contact them on WhatsApp at the end of the week and ask them what they're doing, in my experience it's just a light chat of exchanging what we are going to do. It's part of the mating process: you display your social value and she displays her. It's also a way to know someone to know what they are doing in their week-ends. I she going to watch TV series or go to a high profile charity event?

Questions and comments are welcome!

Cheers!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 10, 2022, 5:08 pm

Quote from John Freeman on December 9, 2022, 4:29 pm

Hello everyone,

here is a mistake I was doing I identified when building a social circle.

Previously

I was asking on Wednesdays (-ish) what they were doing on the week-end after a short "how are you?"

So I was more into quantity than quality, I would send messages to a few people and see who was available. Even though I would eventually provide value (games, fun, meal, drinks, etc.) it's more of a taker's approach. I would also contact people too often with this too fill my week-end.

Now

I contact them and ask them how they are, how is their week, work, boyfriend/girlfriend. Then I simply empathize.

Example:

Me: work?

Her: A lot but it's ok

Me: Ah yeah, new projects?

Her: Old ones that last...

Me: Argh, endless?

Her: that's it

Me: Yeah I see it's a bit annoying

...

This only asks a couple to a few minutes. Then it feels natural to ask them about their availability as you and them now have a connection in the moment. It's like asking a girl out on a high point or Lucio's concept of increasing power to use it. You increase your power through

Moral of the story

Building one social is about building a series of relationships. However you want them to be solid relationships. That means good sincere connection. This comes from being interested ans liking the other person. Meeting them or doing an activity together is the consequence of that.

It's also important not to contact people too often. Contacting people every week is for best friends, lovers and family. For friends it's more every 2 weeks and for acquaintance about once a month. More frequently is equivalent to chasing.

It's ok not to have anything planned this week-end. It's more about the long term. So I prefer to have solid "yes!" ideally rather than "yes because you asked and I have nothing better to do"

So it's about prioritzing quality to reap quantity later on.

So the structure is to get in touch to chat with people on Tuesday-Wednesday and if that goes well, a proposition of encounter will naturally emerge out of it (either they or you ask on a high point).

Questions and comments are welcome!

Cheers!

Great stuff John!

Just a quick feedback on the one thing I personally felt might be tweaked: the questions in the example.

It felt to me like a bit too many questions in a row.

Too many questions in a row can be taxing since they have to reply to you.
And, if without sharing, can feel like a "taker of information", wanting to know what they're up to, but without sharing.

I'd mix a bit more of:

• Empathic statements -like the one you have in the end: perfect-
• Your own stories / updates
• Jokes, lightening up the mood comments -don't even have to be funny, ie.: "ah, freaking work mate, wish a life of holidays only :D"-
• End on a positive note -ie.: "alright mate, hold on, holidays coming soon LOL-
• End on a "confirmation of friendship" -"alright bro, sending you best wishes from here, keep in touch and speak/meet soon"

Of course, the usual note: that's only my note on the example, rather than the real-life interaction. Plus, you know the situation and the people better.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2022, 3:24 am

Quote from John Freeman on December 10, 2022, 3:43 pm

Asking what people are doing this week-end

There is also a powerful side effect when you ask people what they are doing this week-end just to know what they're doing. That means: you're not asking them to check if they're free to propose an event. You ask them out of curiosity because you care about them and want to know what they're up to.

This is quite machiavellian/strategic as well.

With a friend that I've been chasing for event: he's now thinking: what? Now he got a Life where he does not need me to have something to do?

This happened to me today. When I asked him what he was doing he was already telling me that he's not available. I ignored and told him what I was doing and sent him pictures of what I did today. So the move is from:

Somebody trying to build his social life and needing other people for that reason (low power)

To

Somebody with a great social life thinking about his friends and about how  they are doing and texting them. This will get them chasing.

This is not something to manufacture out of the air. One must have a life with many things to do and then out of the blue you text people to know how they are. You're so warm that you care about them and you're so high power/value that you're busy doing something.

When they propose you, you tell them that you're already something (not in a power move way) and that you're happy doing something together the following week. You can also propose them to do something and then if they propose sometime when you're busy then you propose another date.

You're busy AND available.

You're busy because you have a great life full of exciting things.

AND

You're available to the people you like and love as you always find some time for them.

Isn't it what a cool, high-value, high-quality, high-warmth, high power guy does?

I think it is.

Now imagine being on the receiving end of this. Your cool friend (he's your friend so he's cool right) who's always organising cool stuff is contacting you to know how you're doing. You chat a bit, vibe, laugh. The logical conclusion of this conversation is: "so when are we seeing each other again?". You say that you're busy but you find another date. Now you're not chasing people anymore, you're offering them an opportunity. From taking to giving.

And of course when you say that you're not available, you mention without too much details (not too much investment) all the cool things you're going to do. So not bragging just informing.

I noticed that in dating girls I met on Tinder/Bumble get it right away. When I contact them on WhatsApp at the end of the week and ask them what they're doing, in my experience it's just a light chat of exchanging what we are going to do. It's part of the mating process: you display your social value and she displays her. It's also a way to know someone to know what they are doing in their week-ends. I she going to watch TV series or go to a high profile charity event?

Questions and comments are welcome!

Cheers!

Yep, really really great stuff, John.

Another great advantage of having a good (few) social circle(s) is that adding more people becomes a lot easier (and already preframed as a high-value giver).

Rather than asking for 1:1s and doing coffees or, worst yet, tagging along with him, you can instead invite him out with you.

Ie.: "hey, I'm meeting a few cool friends this Thursday for X, join us".

Even if he cannot join or if he feels self-conscious about joining an already established group and you still wanna meet him, when you go from invite into your circle to 1:1 or joining his circle, it's a totally different frame: you go as a high-value value-giver.