Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
How to expand one's social circle
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 10, 2022, 5:08 pm
- Empathic statements -like the one you have in the end: perfect-
- Your own stories / updates
- Jokes, lightening up the mood comments -don't even have to be funny, ie.: "ah, freaking work mate, wish a life of holidays only :D"-
- End on a positive note -ie.: "alright mate, hold on, holidays coming soon LOL-
- End on a "confirmation of friendship" -"alright bro, sending you best wishes from here, keep in touch and speak/meet soon"
This is great feed-back thank you very much! I'm going to use this, right into my notes. I totally agree, what you propose is much better!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 11, 2022, 3:24 am
Yep, really really great stuff, John.
Another great advantage of having a good (few) social circle(s) is that adding more people becomes a lot easier (and already preframed as a high-value giver).
Rather than asking for 1:1s and doing coffees or, worst yet, tagging along with him, you can instead invite him out with you.
Ie.: "hey, I'm meeting a few cool friends this Thursday for X, join us".
Even if he cannot join or if he feels self-conscious about joining an already established group and you still wanna meet him, when you go from invite into your circle to 1:1 or joining his circle, it's a totally different frame: you go as a high-value value-giver.
Golden, thank you! Next level. :)
I think this is going to be my next main strategy: organise an event with a few people from my social circle and add people to it. It makes it much smoother.
Asking people how they are/work/holiday, etc. is win-win
First, here is the low value (taker) way of doing it: you ask them only so you can show off your (work/success/etc.). People can feel this and it's not agreeable.
The strategic and win-win way to do it is to ask something where you are doing well AND where you're curious about the other person. They get to share their story, you listen, ask question, etc. as usual because you're genuinely interested and then you share your success. This gives you an opportunity to display your value.
Another way that is not optimal is to share a success without people asking. It is more taking. You must have the patience for the other person to ask. They don't ask, I would not recommend to reveal it. Of course one can do it. However, it does not have the same impact.
Quote from John Freeman on December 11, 2022, 1:45 pmAsking people how they are/work/holiday, etc. is win-win
First, here is the low value (taker) way of doing it: you ask them only so you can show off your (work/success/etc.). People can feel this and it's not agreeable.
The strategic and win-win way to do it is to ask something where you are doing well AND where you're curious about the other person. They get to share their story, you listen, ask question, etc. as usual because you're genuinely interested and then you share your success. This gives you an opportunity to display your value.
Another way that is not optimal is to share a success without people asking. It is more taking. You must have the patience for the other person to ask. They don't ask, I would not recommend to reveal it. Of course one can do it. However, it does not have the same impact.
Great one, John!
On sharing a success, totally right.
I may even add: to push your successes on them is at high risk of turning a friend into a frenemy.
If someone never asks, assume they don't want to know.
Not everyone can be a good friend.
And the strategist knows that it's a grave mistake to force a not-so-good-person into a friend (they'll turn frenemies anyway).
That's the social equivalent of the dater who "tries to turn a hoe into a housewife" -or, for women, an inveterate player and/or alcoholic into a good father-.
Instead, it's a lot better and more beneficial for both, even win-win, to keep not-so-good people as acquaintances or semi-friends.
Exceptions always apply, so with good people, you can mention it or just share a small detail of your success -or whatever you're happy to share and talk about-.
Then wait for them to ask.
If they're good, they'll say something like "yeah right, I forgot to ask man, sorry about that, please tell me more" and let you share more, and be happy for you.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 14, 2022, 8:36 amI may even add: to push your successes on them is at high risk of turning a friend into a frenemy.
If someone never asks, assume they don't want to know.
Not everyone can be a good friend.And the strategist knows that it's a grave mistake to force a not-so-good-person into a friend (they'll turn frenemies anyway).
That's the social equivalent of the dater who "tries to turn a hoe into a housewife" -or, for women, an inveterate player and/or alcoholic into a good father-.
Instead, it's a lot better and more beneficial for both, even win-win, to keep not-so-good people as acquaintances or semi-friends.
Exceptions always apply, so with good people, you can mention it or just share a small detail of your success -or whatever you're happy to share and talk about-.
Then wait for them to ask.
If they're good, they'll say something like "yeah right, I forgot to ask man, sorry about that, please tell me more" and let you share more, and be happy for you.
Thanks a lot for the compliment and the feed-back! This above is golden -> my notes. The caveat about turning friends into frenemies is also quite important.
I think this deserves to be in PU somehow.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 14, 2022, 8:36 amQuote from John Freeman on December 11, 2022, 1:45 pmAsking people how they are/work/holiday, etc. is win-win
First, here is the low value (taker) way of doing it: you ask them only so you can show off your (work/success/etc.). People can feel this and it's not agreeable.
The strategic and win-win way to do it is to ask something where you are doing well AND where you're curious about the other person. They get to share their story, you listen, ask question, etc. as usual because you're genuinely interested and then you share your success. This gives you an opportunity to display your value.
Another way that is not optimal is to share a success without people asking. It is more taking. You must have the patience for the other person to ask. They don't ask, I would not recommend to reveal it. Of course one can do it. However, it does not have the same impact.
Great one, John!
On sharing a success, totally right.
I may even add: to push your successes on them is at high risk of turning a friend into a frenemy.
If someone never asks, assume they don't want to know.
Not everyone can be a good friend.And the strategist knows that it's a grave mistake to force a not-so-good-person into a friend (they'll turn frenemies anyway).
That's the social equivalent of the dater who "tries to turn a hoe into a housewife" -or, for women, an inveterate player and/or alcoholic into a good father-.
Instead, it's a lot better and more beneficial for both, even win-win, to keep not-so-good people as acquaintances or semi-friends.
Exceptions always apply, so with good people, you can mention it or just share a small detail of your success -or whatever you're happy to share and talk about-.
Then wait for them to ask.
If they're good, they'll say something like "yeah right, I forgot to ask man, sorry about that, please tell me more" and let you share more, and be happy for you.
A very great movie called High Noon starring Gary Cooper showcases this very nicely.
Highly reccomended for seeing a man and his frame truly put to the test. Also for observing the various ways your “friendship” are conditional and how it can manifest
Short and something every person who toggles many relationships at once should watch.
Wish high noon’s MC would’ve learned more about reframing and or been more prepared for this to occur, but that’s for us to learn through his story.
