How to make friends without disempowering yourself
Hello Lucio Buffalmano and everyone in the forum. I just moved to the UK a month ago and I'm starting a new life with no friends. I have always had a problem making friends in new environments. That's because I'm simply not a friendly guy at first. I'm nice but I'm not friendly and you could say I have a cold attitude with the people I don't know. If someone talked to me, I'm nice and everything but I don't really show expressions. I could be doing this because I think it's empowering to not suck up to people or I could be doing this because it's naturally who I am at first but then again when I'm in environments where I'm the popular guy I'm usually very charismatic and give a playboy vibe and don't mind talking to strangers because it's framed like I'm being nice to fans. I've been to a lot of places and somehow I either end up being no one or the most popular kid, no in between. I don't know if my cold style is also some form of charisma but it's really not helping me make friends and I just don't know how to fix it. I never feel the urge to want to talk to someone because I honestly don't think anyone is worth the effort of talking to. And when I do talk to someone I am extremely low energy but that low energy is only with strangers Im very charismatic with the people I know. I feel like if I'm being nice or sweet its more disempowering and it feels very unnatural to me and like I'm sucking up to the people. But also that coldness sometimes feels weak because I naturally shine when I'm comfortable. I want to find the perfect balance of making new friends by being charismatic without disempowering myself. Do you have any advices for me or any thing I could read?
Hello AJ,
First off, allow me to please kindly redirect you to the "forum guidelines" in the "Start Here" section.
This thread was originally in the "introduce yourself section", and I had to move it.
Plus, just take a look at this message of mine, and compare it to yours: which message are people most likely to read?
Yours is a "wall of text", mine is broken up, ideally into "chunks of meaning", for ease of reading.
This may be a "wax-on, wax-off" approach like in "The Karate Kid": albeit it's a forum, it's a foundation and a mindset of effective socialization and communication.
Start applying the basics everywhere, and I think that most of your "issues" will disappear.
Now to answer your question, I'd ask you the question back:
Quote from AJ on November 5, 2022, 8:09 amI don't really show expressions. I could be doing this because I think it's empowering to not suck up to people or I could be doing this because it's naturally who I am at first
Independently of the "why", what's stopping you to be warmer?
What's stopping you from at least trying it, even if it means forcing yourself?
It's certainly possible to be too nice and come across as submissive and suck-up, but power and warmth aren't independent and you can have both -there are a ton of examples in PU, that's the best resource I know of, the rest is practicing it-.
I'd also recommend checking out this thread:
Hello Lucio Buffalmano,
First off, I apologize for writing in the wrong section of the forum, I'll avoid that mistake later and Thank you for your suggestion of the writing technique I will use it from now on.
Now, I took a bit to really get in deep and understand why I'm not warmer and I found these to be the reasons I don't socialize:
- My mindset: Whenever you watch a movie, tv show, or even some real life people, the characters that are silent, serious, never joke, never laugh, very emotionless and coldblooded are the most attractive, dominant, and badass. ex: Michael Corleone, Tommy Shelby, Tony Montana, Vladimir Putin, etc . . . It's like whenever any producer wants to make a character that they know everyone will interpret as the alpha and most dominant guy, they make the character talk less, have a few words and very powerful body language. Now of course, I know these are movies but as you have mentioned before movies might be a stretch and overdramatized but power dynamics still apply. There is also the law of least effort which really makes me not want to talk or be warmer to other people because I don't want to put effort. So when I meet new people I give off that vibe of the dominant character that doesn't talk a lot and it really intimidates people but they don't like me for it. Some girls get really turned on by my attitude and some don't like me and feel I'm not warm.
- I actually lack energy around new people. When I am with my friends, I am comfortable and chill and I shine. But when I meet new people, it’s like that shine isn’t there anymore and I don’t talk or even have the energy to. And I back it up with my brain by telling myself if I don’t have the energy to talk and shine then no need to force myself to because of the law of least of effort. Who are they so I waste my energy for them or try to engage?
I would say these are mainly the reasons why I don't socialize. Quick background: I’m 19 and I’m a university student. I used to be a very charismatic guy with vibrant energy and I gave off that cool playboy vibe. A lot of things happened that impacted my confidence and made me realize that I’m not powerful and dominant enough. I wasn't naive or anything, I wasn't that bad but still there was a lot of room for empowerment. So I had this sudden switch in my personality when I became aware of power dynamics and I realized that I don’t want to be “the playboy” anymore and I want to be the dominant man. I gained power on my own when I made the switch and with power university I became 10 times more powerful. BUT I'm no where near as popular and loved as I was before. I am rereading power university and will focus specifically on the lessons about value accounting, exchanges and social capital. Other than that do you have any advice for me? Because now that I am aware of power dynamics, I am in a mental struggle with myself to be warm and socialize.
Btw, now that I'm done with power university please direct me to where I can leave a public review for it is the best course I ever took in my life.
Hello AJ,
No problem for the "wrong section", it's a lot more about the willingness to learn and making it easy on others than "doing it right".
To go back to your topic, it seems to me that you may be at the extremes, with lots of room for contextual adaptation right now (ie.: adopting slightly different approaches to better suit your goals and the environments around you).
As for most approaches to socialization, context and the law of balance apply.
Those "archetypes" of high-power men are fantastic examples and also good role models to emulate.
But they're not necessarily the most effective for everyone, and for every context.
Most people with a varied life are better off taking several approaches from different styles, and then adapting to the situation.
Generally speaking, the "been there / done that" archetype also tend to work better for older men, since younger folds tend to be more in the learning phase.
Not saying it's "wrong" of course, just that you may go for that one in more limited circumstances rather than your default approach.
I think your next task is to start adapting.
I'd even say to shelf that ideal of high-power for now.
Switch mindset to "what's higher power is contextual and goal-dependent", which is true BTW, and focus more on developing a social/dating life with more options.
When it comes to the law of least effort, also realize that it's also not the be all, end all.
And it's mostly important at the extremes, when people are way over the top, rather than at "normal ranges".
Plus, as long as you enjoy -or seem like you enjoy- the socialization process, you're still well on the "right side" of that law.
It's a bit like approaching a woman: yes, you're expending higher effort in the beginning.
But the guy who moves his ass still gets far better results than the guy who "plays alpha male" and stands still.
When it comes to confidence, seek to tie it more to "doing the right thing" and "doing your best", rather than achieving results (antifragile ego, growth mindset).
Quote from AJ on November 13, 2022, 11:52 pmBtw, now that I'm done with power university please direct me to where I can leave a public review for it is the best course I ever took in my life.
Thank you for this man, after months that the "private feedback / public praise" approach was in PU, you're the first one to actually say/propose that.
Up to you really, and if you got a Reddit account, that may be a good place. The self-help subreddit, for example.
Hello Lucio,
Thank you for the advice. Do you have any previous threads or anything you can think of other than power university that would help me socialize more effectively and get in that socializing mindset.
Just uploaded the review. Really meant every word, thank you for this amazing course. Also please tell me if you would like me to post this review on any other platforms, would love to do so.
Thank you AJ, was very curious to read it, but unluckily your review was removed :S.
Probably this subreddit on Power University itself is a bit less trust-inspiring but safer against removals since I manage it: https://www.reddit.com/r/PowerUniversity/
As for your question, I've never seen a resource on everyday/foundations of socialization and friends-making that made me think "this is it" -as a matter of fact, I think it's one of the main lacks in the self-development industry and a possible opportunity for entrepreneurship. We had started a project to address that here but Matthew dropped it unluckily-.
But there are helpful resources.
All I've seen that's worth mentioning is either in the reviews section of this website, or in the list of "best social skills books & courses".
Maybe for you right now "Charisma University" may be good and the fact that it tends to promote high-energy socialization is not a con but a plus since it sounds like you may gain to go more in that direction now.
Hello Lucio,
That's true I've never seen anything on day to day basic interactions. That's unfortunate that that project was dropped, I would be the first to join and if you ever decide to make anything in the future I would be the first to sign up because I don't want to have to go to other resources as I really trust your way of explaining things and I trust that you would balance social interactions with power.
As for the review they keep removing it for "self advertising" and for "no posting links". I don't know what they're on about. Anyway I will figure out a way to get this review posted on Reddit and Quora as well and will update you once I do. this is the review if you want to read it now tho.
Review of Power University ( Different approach to self development)
For those of you that don't already know about this, this is a trending course called power university that every one is taking on the website Thepowermoves.com. I finished this course and I can simply say that it is the best course I've ever taken. I've taken multiple self development courses before on Udemy and Coursera and I've read a lot of books that are regarded as the top bestselling self-help books and honestly, nothing comes even close to power university. Power University takes a different approach to self development by teaching you to become a more powerful, assertive, dominant character while developing a positive optimistic mindset. It is definitely for everyone, no matter the age or gender. The way the author, Lucio Buffalmano, describes concepts and the content through the use of texts, videos, and even movie scenes really helps you digest the information and have it cemented directly to your mindset and your personality without much effort. Truly an amazing course and would definitely recommend for anyone going through tough times or feeling insecure, naive or for those who just want level up and learn advanced social strategies.
Update: hello, I have had my final exams the last couple of weeks so I wasn't active on tpm. Anyways, I just uploaded my review in the reddit PU community and I've managed to get it uploaded in the self-help community too. So far it doesn't look like they've taken it off so here's the link. https://www.reddit.com/r/selfhelp/comments/zcbuti/review_of_power_university_different_approach_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3