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How to react when being messaged during holidays

#1 · September 8, 2023, 8:47 pm

Quote from John Freeman on September 8, 2023, 8:47 pm
Hello TPM community,
from my journal, I re-structure the post and post it here since I think it's something that can happen to other people.
Context
A power player peer of mine (equal in hierarchy) messaged on WA me during my holidays for an ask. He wants to know if I am ok to exchange shifts with him so he can go to a training program. It's happening in 1.5 month so it's something that could have waited my return from holiday. In his message there was also plenty of manipulation ("Please several times"). For more context I feel that we're really in competition with one another so this training would give him more skills.
My reaction
I texted him the next day.
I’ll look into it when I’m back. See you.
Analysis
I thought about ignoring the message and then answering him when I returned. However it did not feel congruent as I would have this on my mind during the few days that I had left. To me his message is disrespectful because:
I’m on holiday so not supposed to talk about work problems. Especially on my private phone.
What he’s asking is for his own benefit only. There's no win-win here. I don't trust him enough to trust that he will reciprocate in the future. And I might not need it anyway.
It’s unimportant and non-urgent (this training is in 1.5 month, plenty of time). No life to save with this message.
My solution
About the messaging during my holiday, I will tell him face to face that:
When we're on holiday we're not supposed to receive messages from work, especially on our private phones.
I will use social norms instead of personal boundaries that he could use against me (it's "your problem"), so I won't use this format:
When I’m on holiday I don’t want to get messages from work
Alternative, to surface it and see what he says:
I was a bit surprised to receive a message from you during my holidays.
With time I found he's really a manipulator with a big ego so I'm being quite cautious with him now.
About accepting or not the training: I’m considering refusing and make up some excuses. I don’t want to help him get more training (help a competitor) and I don’t think he will reciprocate (win-lose). I also don’t want to help him with a favour as he is bothering me during my holidays. I would just lie and say I have something already reserved with my friends.
For more context, he got 3 weeks of holiday in a row through negotiation (all of us have 2 usually) and he tried to have even more days by trying to have me switch shifts with him. I would have worked 7 days in a row which is forbidden. But he did not care. I still refused.
Happy to know if you have any opinions or comments on this.

Hello TPM community,

from my journal, I re-structure the post and post it here since I think it's something that can happen to other people.

Context

A power player peer of mine (equal in hierarchy) messaged on WA me during my holidays for an ask. He wants to know if I am ok to exchange shifts with him so he can go to a training program. It's happening in 1.5 month so it's something that could have waited my return from holiday. In his message there was also plenty of manipulation ("Please several times"). For more context I feel that we're really in competition with one another so this training would give him more skills.

My reaction

I texted him the next day.

I’ll look into it when I’m back. See you.

Analysis

I thought about ignoring the message and then answering him when I returned. However it did not feel congruent as I would have this on my mind during the few days that I had left. To me his message is disrespectful because:

I’m on holiday so not supposed to talk about work problems. Especially on my private phone.
What he’s asking is for his own benefit only. There's no win-win here. I don't trust him enough to trust that he will reciprocate in the future. And I might not need it anyway.
It’s unimportant and non-urgent (this training is in 1.5 month, plenty of time). No life to save with this message.

My solution

About the messaging during my holiday, I will tell him face to face that:

When we're on holiday we're not supposed to receive messages from work, especially on our private phones.

I will use social norms instead of personal boundaries that he could use against me (it's "your problem"), so I won't use this format:

When I’m on holiday I don’t want to get messages from work

Alternative, to surface it and see what he says:

I was a bit surprised to receive a message from you during my holidays.

With time I found he's really a manipulator with a big ego so I'm being quite cautious with him now.

About accepting or not the training: I’m considering refusing and make up some excuses. I don’t want to help him get more training (help a competitor) and I don’t think he will reciprocate (win-lose). I also don’t want to help him with a favour as he is bothering me during my holidays. I would just lie and say I have something already reserved with my friends.

For more context, he got 3 weeks of holiday in a row through negotiation (all of us have 2 usually) and he tried to have even more days by trying to have me switch shifts with him. I would have worked 7 days in a row which is forbidden. But he did not care. I still refused.

Happy to know if you have any opinions or comments on this.

Roberto and Power Duck have reacted to this post.

#2 · September 8, 2023, 10:23 pm

After some thoughts, I'm thinking about accepting for the training so he owes me and I can ask him an exchange in the future. It's not strictly about being messaged but it's part of the social exchange dynamics.

#3 · September 11, 2023, 8:24 pm

I now understand I was not going for win-win enough.

If I don't propose win-win, there is no way it's going to be win-win as we need to be both on board.

So I have to do my part.

#4 · September 16, 2023, 5:03 am

Off-topic

So finally I forgave him for texting me during the holidays, I went easy-going about it.

I understand this training is important for him so he can get his pediatrician degree. So I decided to go for empathy rather than boundary-protection. I let it slip. I also decided to give him the days he was looking for. It will make me work 6 days in a row which is very tiring at the hospital. But I decided to go for teamwork. I think it's important for him to get this training. That's the colleague, win-win, leadership side.

On the machiavellian side, it made me look good to my boss that she saw that I was willing to sacrifice for a peer to get his training that he wanted a lot. My colleague was speechless as I was looking for solutions to make this work with our boss. It was genuine. As soon as I decided to let him have the training then I went 100%. So when she saw that I was willing to work 6 days in a row to help him I think I gained even more respect in her eyes.

/Off-topic

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