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How to rebuild attraction with a girl who lost interest in you?


First of all, I'm still young, I'm 19 and I'm in Bible School. I've recently been direct with a girl that I liked, I told her that I liked her and that we should hang out the following week, she agreed. I showed unconfidence and incongruence throughout the week and she sensed it then she told me that "I'm not looking into dating right now, it's not my season for dating, I'm not interested in a boyfriend for now." I know she isn't telling the truth here, because it's quite well known in our community that she is looking for a boyfriend, even in social media it has been blasted.

As I did this I was just starting to read Mark Manson's Models, and I've been told by the PUA community to go direct with her. So I did, but I guess it backfired.

I'm sure she's still looking for a boyfriend, and I know she badly wants one. I've tried flirting with her and teasing her a bit with push/pull, negging, being playful, trying to get those mirror neurons on. But it seems like she is no longer receptive, it seems that her brain has gone from "hot" to "cold" as Derek Rake would have said it. In fact she no longer gives me attention or tries to make rapport with me unlike before.

What should be my next step? I'm thinking of being honest and upfront with her, about how I found her cute, about this false PUA thing that I'm trying to fake, about why I think she's wifey material, about my nervousness and all that. But I don't want to risk looking weak as well.

Women like to be desired as Mark Manson has said, it seems like she's also the type of woman who wants to get courted and pursued, but I can't pursue properly if she's always sensing that I'm playing games with her. My game isn't that bad, other girls are quite receptive. What would be your advice in what I could do to turn it around and get the attraction back or actually build the attraction?

On the other hand, If she lost attraction to me due to weakness and being needy, wouldn't trying to explain your feelings would only further show weakness and insecurity? I guess that is what she's getting from me. But my intention was to be vulnerable and to show that I desire her. Because women are naturally attracted to vulnerable men, and women like to be desired as well right? How do we raise back that interest level? How do we rebuild attraction?

I was actually planning to give it one more try, flirt with her and make her blush. I can actually do that with other girls, no problem. And in all honesty I'm quite vocal about these things, literally people will know and I know there will be moral support on my side too.

If she doesn't bite, I'd talk with her and be honest with her about why I liked her, her qualities, nervousness and unconfidence, wifey material, add in some jokes and all that. I'd have to be really sweet with my words here too, like really appreciate her insecurities. Then I'd have to remove my attention and get on and work on my life.


Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Hey man.

First of all, the usual disclaimer: it's hard to comment without knowing you, the girl, and without having witnessed the interactions first hand.
I always recommend to take whatever people online tell you with a big grain of salt, including what I say.

Now, that being said, a few notes:

  • Religious girls: the 2 different types

There are two types of religious girls.

The ones that are religious for social acceptance and the ones that actually believe in it and/or are fully bought into the religious culture.
How they act around men and sex changes dramatically depending on which type you are dealing with.

With the former you want to communicate they are safe with you and you will not spread rumors. I once took one of these type of girl home within half an hour of meeting her.
She had Jesus as a background image of her phone, but that was only to gain social acceptance (women care more about that than men).

With the latter, you might want to go high quality boyfriend route, like you mentioned.
Investing and doing the typical romancing might be best.
I went out with a 29 YO Virgin Muslim girl three times, brought her home three times and we never had sex.
She was attractive and even went out a lot. And when an attractive girl who meets lots of people stays virgin until 29 YO, then you should know she's of the latter type.

  • Recovering attraction: preselection and social status

the common advice is that it's difficult to recover and you're better off moving on.
The common advice is not wrong, yet "difficult" doesn't mean impossible. As a matter of fact, it's easiet when you two would meet and mingle anyway, which is the case for you.

The best way to do it is simple: let others do the talking for you.
What do I mean?
Be a high-value man, gain social status, be seen being cool. When she will see others -especially girls- liking you, she will most likely "magically" like you more.

There is no 100% guarantee of anything in life, but this works more often than not.

  • Telling her she's wife material: no

I embrace complexity and don't usually advice categorical no or yes.
But this is as close to a categorical a "no" as possible.

It places her on a pedestal before she has had the chance of actually deserving it, which is a nono.
Plus you're too young to talk about wife material (unless everyone around you gets married at around 20-21).

  • Telling her how much you like her: not now

I love being open and sincere.
But openness works when you both like each other.
Then the first one who says it actually takes the leader role and the other one follows. Very powerful.

But telling how much you like her to a girl whom you are sure doesn't like you (yet) will not help any.
That you can do maybe later if things turn out well, but not now.

  • Going direct: yes, but not in social circles

I love going direct, but I wouldn't have agreed with that advice for your situation.
This is social circle game, going direct is a big risk for your social status. When it backfires, everyone will know and if you don't manage it well it might take some time to recover.

  • Vulnerability: you got it, not in this case

Yeah, you got it right.
Vulnerability is great... In the right circumstances. But not in this case, don't explain your feelings and don't explain "what you did wrong".

If things go well maybe you can do that later on when you are together and you will piece together the story of your romance.
But not now.

Also check out: is vulnerability powerful?

dictatorce has reacted to this post.
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Telling her she's wife material: no

I was actually planning this to be more of a sweet joke that would make her think about me or laugh.

Telling her how much you like her: not now

Like I said, she never had a boyfriend ever, and she's one of those girls who's imagining boyfriends and wanting and searching for that "perfect" one. I was thinking of fulfilling a part of that fantasy by being truthful to her and giving her sweet nothings.

Going direct: yes, but not in social circles

I'm actually quite shocked the fact that she didn't even tell anyone. I've talked with her friends and they were all up and happy in me wanting to court her. My church community is pretty open to this, but I guess the thing is if I mess this one up and try to look for another girl, I would probably be seen as a player.

Investing and doing the typical romancing might be best.

I've tried and am looking for the right opportunity to strike, but it seems like she's not wanting to invest back after the "flake" incident, she's not even giving me any eye contact nor wanting to talk to me as she usually did. It seems like her interest level has been lowered and her attraction to me has been lowered as well.

My usual style in a school environment is to be pretty vocal about it, I would get moral support from peers and students and they would literally cheer me on as I confidently announce pursuing her. Like literally spit out lines and flirt during class and everyone would notice and support us and in turn making her blush and experience emotions associated with me.

And if the flirting and teasing doesn't work, I was thinking of being honest and direct with her, turning on that "conservative, religious, hopeless romantic, looking-for-the-perfect-guy" part of her, she watches a lot of movies, and would probably want one of those "romantic" confessions of some sort, turning on her romance buttons. Although I'd like not to look weak while doing this. Then I would have to move on and improve my life.

Although I did notice that she was trying to back-rationalize the fact that she got weirded out by my actions into something that is "It is not the right season for me right now" also adds that plausible deniability part of it as well. Thing is, I want her to see where my heart goes, and I would think that's something that a nice christian girl would be looking for, genuine love. I want her to see my true intention, and not just some fling-fling. Maybe she got weirded out as well by me coming on too strong? Or acting like a player?

I already lost my mystery, I already told her that I liked her even far before. Does this feel like a last-ditch effort for a quick date? Or maybe it might enhance the effect of her longing for me? Once I turn my attention away from her?

You over-extended, move on.

dictatorce and Kellvo have reacted to this post.

Oneitis = lack of options and lack of experiences with women.

She’s sucking/riding raw dicks/talking to many males/making new memories/feeling good while you’re crying/sad/looking at old memories.

My message is a bit harsh/redpillish toward women and you but I think you need a wake-up call.

dictatorce and Kellvo have reacted to this post.

I agree to an extent with the given advice - cultivate value, amass status and power, and employ triangulation. But why get stuck on her? You have a whole life ahead of you. Women, even very desirable women, come and go - but your own manhood remains. Don't let yourself be played. Move forward. You gotta love yourself first.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.
Lucio Buffalmano

Seems like the tables have turned now, I've only made a few changes and improvements with my life, and she is now coming back. I think the big part is removing my attention away from her. I'm thinking of asking her out again, advisable?

Glad to hear that!

Two quick notes from my side:

  • Watch out on linking changes with results

This more for your own overall critical thinking skills than this actual interaction.

You wrote you've made a few changes in your life and things have already changed. That's very possible. Yet, keep in mind the human mind has an inherent bias of seeming more connection, links and trends than there really are.

Often reality is more random than our mind thinks it is (a great book here: Fooled by Randomness).

That being said, in this case I think it's very possible that removing your attention has done the trick -and you rightly point out that it might be the big part-.

  • Give attention back slowly

My personal take here is that you should not be too reactive.

And especially not giving her again full romantic attention by asking her out.

Why not?
First of all because, if you do, it might show that you were playing a game and that, deep down, you were still the old eager self you who is chasing her a little bit too hard and a little bit too happy for her attention.

Second, because right not it sounds like the relationship might still be be too imbalanced (ie.: you're still on the negative for having chased too much, not in the most attractive way possible).

See it like this: right now it's still "you chased, she spurned".
If you invite her out too soon, then it becomes "you chased, she spurned, she barely gave you something, and you chased again".
That might be too much, too soon.

Better if you can rebalance the relationship now.
So before you ask her out, I would let her make a few more overt openings first, or work a little bit harder.

Don't treat her coldly though or that might seem like you're butt-hurt and seeking revenge. That would be a very negative trait to show in courtship -and socialization in general-.

Treat her nice, but the "niceness" of a slightly distant friend who's being polite. But socially polite, not the "I like you" or "I care about you" level.
Let her show her hand as well, and only then you can get back on the lead again.

Ideally, your moves from now on communicates the following:

Oh, you again.
How interesting, I thought it was done and I was already moving on.
But hey, show me you're on board now and maybe we can give it a try.

dictatorce and selffriend have reacted to this post.
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Another great response man!

I didn't think that she'd be coming back for me that quick, although she is showing signs and is seeming to be attracted to me again, the problem is she is hardening herself against me. I think it's becoming more of a Frame-Battle/Ego-Battle now, she's attracted to me but she doesn't want to give in or look too easy. What do I do with girls like that? Should I demonstrate more value and improve myself and really move my attention away from her until she really works hard for me?

And also at this point I am quite confident that I'd be asking her out again this weekend, should it be something like "I still think you're cute, let's go out on Saturday 5PM at X, you won't regret it." Or should it be more of a soft-invite/natural-invite? Like acting a bit coy, not too strong, not too direct, just asking her out normally. Anyway she knows my intentions now, since I've told her before that I liked her. Or also would it be better if I just hold it off until she really shows explicit interest signs?

selffriend has reacted to this post.

It sounds like you have very good social intelligence, man.

You do indeed want to avoid that frame battle / ego battle.
That's something that PUAs often struggle with as they tend to overgame (over-inflate their own value or push her down).

What you should do depends on how she views you.
If she views you as a fairly attractive man and/or a fairly good potential partner, then you shouldn't show more value or it becomes a game of "I'm better than you" and "you're not good enough for me".

See an example from my recent review of "The System" by Todd:

She likes him, but he keeps playing that game of "I'm better than you" for a little bit too long. The girl is desperate for connection and honest sign of liking, but he insists too long with the game. It becomes too much for her, and she quits.

So, no, to avoid any battle I would avoid showing more value and instead be warmer.

Personally, I would wait for a little bit longer before inviting out and wouldn't do it so early.
Yes, I would rebuild some goodwill before, get more time to recover a bit from the first failed attempt and let her show more signs. Ideally, in the best case scenario, she would give you a strong sign or "pass you the ball" for you to invite (ie.: "I tried this cafe the other at X, was sooo good").

Independently of when you ask, I would always avoid the "you won't regret it" part.
Yes, it's honest and it might even work sometimes.
But it slots you as the one who has to provide (a lot) for her and her as the final chooser.

dictatorce and selffriend have reacted to this post.
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?