Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 6, 2020, 11:09 am

Hello prince,

One of this website's goal is to empower people, including empowering against manipulation, emotional abuse and, as well... Bullying.

But contrary to various types and techniques of abuse and manipulation, so far I haven't written much about bullying.
There is a reason why: I don't personally have lots of first-hand experience with it (one of the 3 pillars of good learning/teaching is weak).

MY EXPERIENCE WITH BULLYING

On the receiving end, the first year in high school a guy wanted me to put my head under the water faucet for "baptizing".
I didn't, and that was the only strongest, single instance of direct bullying I can remember.

Then some stronger than usual one-uppings or challenges to my status with other male groups.
The peak was a guy during my teenage years who took my bike without my consent to go home, which among kids was huge, since your bike is your main property. But also that one was a one-off instance from a guy who otherwise acknowledged and respected my (higher) status (and I better not share what I wanted to do to assert boundaries).

And in high school, my male classmate was SO much more mature and so extremely high power that some of his behavior overstepped my boundaries and some of it could be labeled borderline bullying.
But overall, it was more like high-dominance, and he didn't antagonize me directly (sadly, in a way, as I might have learned even more :).

Observation

On the observational side, I've had more experience.

There were two kids in primary and middle school with some forms of retardation (not sure about the exact medical condition), and that experience taught me a lot about human nature and kids' power dynamics.
Sadly, these two were true magnets of bullying.

Bullying is an outlet for aggressive drives, as well as a tool for social climbing by using weaker folks as social pegs for the climb.
Seeing who are the kids who take that shortcut for status tells you a lot about their psychological makeup.
There were always a couple of truly abusive kids who'd lead the pack in terms of abuse, including beatings. Then some others would pile in with milder abuse, or provide "support" to the beaters as a way of gaining some status among the male group riding on the coattails of the real abusers (bullying is mostly about male status by the way, bullies gain little, if anything, with the opposite sex, and an equally strong kid who does his thing is usually preferred by women).

And now, answering your question...

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 6, 2020, 11:26 am

• Talk to yourself in more empowering terms:

No, you don't have any freaking tendency to get bullied.

Sure, it's true that some people make for better targets for bullying, and while you might want to have some changes in your behavior, you also want to have some empowering changes in your thought process.

And you don't have any fu*king tendency to attract bullying.
Bullies bully, that's what they do, not what you get upon yourself.

Instead, you have a tendency to stop bullying, and to fight it.

Don't underestimate this one, it's the true basis of empowering change.

The people who stay stuck with abuse are the ones who think they attract -or worse, they deserve it-.

• You're dealing with heavy-handed one-upping, more than bullying

I would consider what you described as strong boundary-crossing and strong one-upping.

Him telling you to hold something for him was a "my bitch power move".

But it's still only mild bullying at this point.

That guy wanted to push you around to prove he's above you. If you let him, he might then start with heavier-handed bullying, which is also why you generally want to avoid people one-upping you.

• You're doing well

Except for that first belief I told you about, it seems to me you're doing great.

Good mindsets and attitude, good power awareness, and also good thinking on your feet.
This one:

I denied and told keep it there, and if it got lost, it was his mistake

Was perfect.
You defended your boundaries, deflected his tasking, and put the responsibility back onto him, all without being defensive, passive -like making excuses for example- or aggressive -and risking escalation.

• Frame control at mindsets' level: the nerd VS the "tough guy"

It sounds like that guy was trying to frame you as the nerd, and him as "tough rebel guy".

It makes sense, in a way.

Society is a process that it sometimes an imposition on younger men, rather than something they actively choose.

So, yn younger men's circle, the guy who studies a lot is the guy who is "submitting" to society and the parents' will, while the tough guy makes his own rules and lives life his own way.

If you accept that frame, and hold that belief, then you will always feel like you need to defend yourself for studying, or wearing a helmet.
And every time he attacks you on those issues, you'd secretly think he's right.

Instead, you want to enforce your frame on the outside, while also holding onto more empowering beliefs that you're choosing to study hard because you care about your own empowerment and you want to go places in life.

Some other semi-related beliefs:

• Wearing a helmet is smart because I actively increase my chances of living long and accomplishing a lot of great things
• Stupid folks choose not to study and remain poor

Makes sense?