How to turn personal experiences into stories

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 26, 2022, 7:53 am

Hello Ella,

Good question: being able to tell captivating stories is a good skill to have.

And great to see you're applying the concepts.

On the specifics of the question, check the forum guidelines.

Meaning:

High-level questions lead to long and generic answers, that may not even apply to you -and there's already a million high-level, generic guides if you Google "how to tell a story"-.

If you provide us with a clear example instead we can provide brief answers that are highly relevant to you.

So, give us an example:

1. Event you shared (maybe it wasn't a good one to begin with?)
2. How you told the story (maybe you went on too long?)
3. How people reacted
4. How you reacted (maybe you didn't defend your speaking time? Maybe you could have cut shot on purpose to limit damage. Or maybe you could have cracked a joke like "thank you for the excitement guys". Just a simple joke like that can fix everything, plus more. There's an example in PU with me being a host cracking a joke nobody laughed at, until I added enough social pressure to finally get a reaction. Something similar can work great. Not very beginner-friendly as it does require some social confidence though. But one can always try and learn)

And since we're here, tell us what you think you should do better, since you're the one with the most knowledge about yourself.

Quote from Ella on November 26, 2022, 12:58 pm

Thanks Lucio,

 

So I'll talk about one of the recent cases. As much as I'd like to talk about shared experiences, the truth is I don't share much hobbies with them and my friends and I generally just stay at home and do our niche. It is difficult to come up with things to say. In fact, I met this particular friend over study sessions.  I was talking with her, one of my few friends who gradually got alienated after going to different universities.

We planned to go to a cat café and she was annoyed that I went too formal and describe my clothes and bad etc. She also told me she's been to the cat café with others before (I proposed it but it'smy first time), how she's been feeling ill and also on private family issues that I affirmed. I in turn told her about my pressure of being the eldest at home and doing most of the housework including my siblings' stuff.

I think things began to go worser there. My friend here has problematic family issues that she can't tell anyone else other than her friends (which I'm not well aware of, she's a year older).

I feel like I reacted the wrong way and didn’t calibrate well enough or showed enough care for her health. But I don't want to seem sympathizing from above, which I feel guilty and suspect that I am.

So, she tried to lighten the mood and talk about her dog sniffing out cats around her. And my mind went blank and told the most dramatic thing I can think of recently:

 

Me: So, you know, a conspiracy happened at my residential building.

She: What is it about?

Me: The place I live I'd old, right? So apparently, there has been people trying to speculate the property and sell it off to a company.

She: Um, so?

Me: I'd recently know about this, but there used to be an office for management and a security guard post. But they have all been demolished for car parking spaces; and the management company at my building change every three years, while people have been convinced to leave by a fake claim on a company buying the building ...

She: And? (I think she's getting alienated at this point, usually it's her talking but I let my neediness get ahead of me)

Me: Yeah, and there's questionable sources, according to  a neighbour...

(then we exchanged pleasantries on health and wishing each other good luck at university and separated and she didn't contact me at all after)

 

I think I have habitually followed what other's say and expanded on negative threads. But also the fact that I couldn't make my friend comfortable enough with me (maybe it's my own insecurity, I felt a bit inferior to a senior) and fun enough to meet often. I'm also not sure why she's interested in me, aside from me being a patient listener. The dynamics is bad...but it is one of the few last contacts I have aside from cordial project partners.

I feel depressed.

So, what do you think?

Quote from Transitioned on November 26, 2022, 10:38 pm

Hey Ella

First thank you for being so brave.  Not easy in our glossy selfie world to admit social challenges.

I m a cat person.  Cat cafe sounds cool.  We used to have one in Melbourne but unfortunately covid killed it off.

I think one of the things you can do easily is add more open questions.  That will help you get along with anyone even if they aren't your tribe.

 

 

 

 

Quote from Transitioned on November 26, 2022, 11:22 pm

Couple of examples

What do you think of this place?

Are you into cats?

How was your trip over?

I think your instincts are good on the building story.

TPM has this concept of bids for vibing.  She s giving you basically grunts.  So she hasn't accepted your bid to vibe on that topic.  Time to change topic.  "Anyway that s too serious for a cat cafe.  Wow look at that lady's dress what do you think?  Good look or bad?   Btw that's an example of commenting on your surrounds once you get good at that you ll be er run out of things  to say

 

 

 

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 27, 2022, 3:01 am

Nice.

Now with that case study we can properly drill down.

Some very quick notes after a quick read (haven't read Kevin's posts yet):

No reason to feel depressed: you're doing greart learning something that's very difficult

You're doing everything right:

Trying, analyzing, and learning.

You're bound to get better.

If you say "my senior" about a girl who's one year older than you, I'm thinking you're quite young.

But keep on interacting, keep on reflecting... And you'll make huge strides.

A few mindsets switches that can help:

• Look at people as all in life phases, but all similar: you may be comparing yourself quite a bit to others. In part it's normal, but you may try to do it a bit less.
  I personally don't consider anyone a "senior" to me based on age. And I don't even think much of "junior" compared to me. Just people, everyone in their own life phase, everyone with their own challenges.
  What they are, you either were or will be, as other billions either were, or will be
• You're learning something very challenging: you're learning something that's very difficult to learn. As a matter of fact, I'm not aware of any single product/coach who teaches how to learn emotional/social intelligence (and still hoping someone from TPM can address that challenge one day).
  And the reason is because it's difficult to learn, and difficult to teach as well.
  BUT:
• You're learning something super valuable: bonding, connecting, and making friends is a tremendous life skill (and one of the best medicines for against lonliness, alienation, depression, etc.)
• You'll get better: keep on experiencing and reflecting, and you're bound to get better. This is where a growth mindset has only upsides.

Vibe & bond before you change topic: manage the flow with "deep/light" phases

Look at this:

Quote from Ella on November 26, 2022, 12:58 pm

So, she tried to lighten the mood and talk about her dog sniffing out cats around her. And my mind went blank and told the most dramatic thing I can think of recently:

Great read on your side!

If she tried to lighten the mood, it may mean that things got too heavy.

However, you still want to show some support before moving on, otherwise it feels indeed like you don't care and "can't wait to stop talkign about her problems".

So first acknowledge it, then bridge it (ideally finding something positive) and then let both of you enjoy a breath of fresh air with a lighter topic.

For example:

Her: (finishes to share sad story and tries to change the topic)

You: yeah, I understand it can be tough. But it seems like you're handling it well (reach out and touch her) (<---- this acknowledges what just happened, and it shows that she can alwyas share, that you care, and that you're ready to listen. A LOT better than "pretending it never happened" with a new random topic)

(now turn happier and chiller, look around)

Ahahah but yeah, your dog is really having the time of his life. Look at him making cat friends. Maybe should bring a couple of those home to give him friends (<----  now you lead back in the new direction, making it lighter. Later on, you can go deep again)

It may take a few back and forth and a new story to fully change the mood, but you'll get there.

It's this flow of "deeper/lighter" help people unload, without feeling like it's "too much" or getting sad.

In the end, you can both share your challenges, while also feeling good.

That's the magic that is both healing for both, and makes great friendships (or relationships, for that matter).

There was a great thread about this with Matthew, probably it's in his "Social Intuition" thread, see if you can find it.

Time it right, and only build things up if there's a climax

As we've seen above, the main issue in your story was not so much the story in itself, but timing.

That was the time to reach out to her, acknowledge her feelings of "heaviness", bond, then enjoy some minutes of lighter conversation.

Either talk about the environment, the people there, or something fun that happened to you, that you like doing, or that you want to do/try.

The second issue here was this:

1. Big build-up...
2. But no climax

The way you introduced this story, it felt like something big was coming:

Quote from Ella on November 26, 2022, 12:58 pm

Me: So, you know, a conspiracy happened at my residential building. (<---- the timing that rushed the story in + the "conspiracy" word makes it  feel like something big)

She: What is it about?

Me: The place I live I'd old, right? So apparently, there has been people trying to speculate the property and sell it off to a company. (<---- but now it feels like "same old, same old" because speculation and trying to make money is what everyone does)

She: Um, so? (<---- fair reaction, albeit one may say not really cool to externalize it so obviously and directly)

Me: I'd recently know about this, but there used to be an office for management and a security guard post. But they have all been demolished for car parking spaces; and the management company at my building change every three years, while people have been convinced to leave by a fake claim on a company buying the building ... (<----feels like a random story with random facts. You were talking about you two, now this. Because of the timing, it was out of place, and because of your buildup followed by "same old, same old", it feels off)

She: And? (I think she's getting alienated at this point, usually it's her talking but I let my neediness get ahead of me)

Me: Yeah, and there's questionable sources, according to  a neighbour...

Also note that your friend wasn't very skilled herself.

And I'd have to wonder how supportive she is.

A skilled and supportive person would have helped you save the mistake on your build-up without climax.
Instead, she highlighted it.

But, I think (I wasn't there of course) you correctly analyzed several issues, including you missing the opportunity to show more care for her health.
Worry more about showing that care, and less about how you do it for now -it's better to do it imperfectly, than not at all-.

Overall, you're on the right path.

---

Makes sense?